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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 10:46

THE OP ACKNOWLEDGED SHE'S BEEN AN IDIOT FROM HER SECOND POST.

THERE'S NO NEED TO KICK SOMEONE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY ARE IN THE WRONG AND ARE TRYING TO GET HELP!

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 30/12/2013 10:49

I think he sounds like a bully but I also think slamming someone for being pregnant is pretty disgusting too, like saying it'd be better if there was no baby. Things moved quickly with my OH too OP (due to irresponsibly getting pregnant but would never change it) and these things happen whether other people like it or not. However, dd (from previous relationship) and dp got to know each other on a gradual basis and get on well - things like this don't happen and if they did, I would be taking time out of the relationship to focus on ALL my children. I feel really bad for you having read about your situation and also some of the horrid comments, you don't come across as a bad mother but very vulnerable.

ApocalypseThen · 30/12/2013 10:49

What help us she trying to get?

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 30/12/2013 10:54

why the fuck else would she have posted?

flipchart · 30/12/2013 10:54

vampytbh in this case it probably would be better for all,including the DD if there wasn't a baby. The OP got pregnant with a bloke she hardly knows within 3 months of dating him,. Once she finds out his true colours in the way that he behaves and treats her DD it is too late.

pigletmania · 30/12/2013 10:56

Some really nasty people out there, I really hope you don't work in the caring professions. Why the hell should ss be involved Hmm. Just because op is an fault does not make her not vulnerable, all these nasty words are not helping her. Helping you yes to vent, but not helping her. No winder she has not come back for more vitriol and abuse!

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 10:59

I think this thread is going to go back and forwardswith us the OP wont come back at all her partner saw the thread and is probably apologising profusely and playing happy families for a while maybe taking the wee girl for lunch to her favourite place the kid will be confused but play along and it will be all better which is bloody sad cos it will keep happening

ApocalypseThen · 30/12/2013 11:00

why the fuck else would she have posted?

Tone, please. Remember?

Anyway, other than straight talk, no one can give any help here so I wouldn't call posting here looking for help. Following her child's advice and doing family counselling would be looking for help.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 30/12/2013 11:01

I got pregnant with somebody I wasn't even in a relationship with! Shit happens. I'm not saying it was a responsible thing to do, feel free to judge me but it can and has worked out. I felt guilty at times on DD's behalf but none of us would go back and change it. OP can look after her baby, partner or no partner, right now it sounds as though the latter is the better idea but her baby has a right to be wanted and loved as well.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 30/12/2013 11:02

haha at 'tone' Blush - sorry.

BlackDaisies · 30/12/2013 11:22

Agree the abuse of the OP is horrible. And just gives her DP fantastic ammunition for saying what a horrible site this is and not worth using and comparatively how supportive he is to her. It's a well known pattern of abusive relationship behaviour to criticise support networks and friends to isolate people. The dynamics of being in an abusive relationship are strange. It takes years, and support and steps backwards and forwards to get out sometimes. Outsiders being abusive or angry only serve to close the door and lock you in it even more. OP I hope you are able to filter out the responses that are a waste of time and still use some of the support here tp reflect on your situation. Take small steps, openly stand up for your daughter and speak out against unacceptable behaviour. Get real life friends in board and build up your support network. Think about the possibilities of leaving/ staying for now.

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 11:26

I think that the abuse of an 8 year old is horrible but there you go. If op doesnt return i suspect it is because Dp is being on best behaviour and being all angelic. Then she may return in a few weeks time with the same problem.

garlicbaubles · 30/12/2013 11:30

I can't believe the abuse on this thread Shock

People can start their own threads, and/or join Stately Homes, to take out their anger at parents who didn't put them first. It's very wrong to project all that onto a woman who's just realised she's in a precarious situation, and is asking for support.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 30/12/2013 11:30

I don't think OP has been abusive, I think she's confused and very pregnant which most of us can identify with. Her so-called partner is in the wrong. I wonder if he has any other kids.

Oblomov · 30/12/2013 11:43

I hate these threads too. Mum is almost as bad as her abusive dp. In that she is so weak, she should be ashamed.

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 11:46

Oh ffs. Here we go again.Hmm

OP, ignore all the shit stirrers

needaholidaynow · 30/12/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 11:50

Yes Op ignore all the straight talking "shit stirrers" and bury your head in the sand, things WILL get better without you doing anything to change your situation. Enjoy dps good behaviour... he must really love you all huh!
Hmm

PeriodFeatures · 30/12/2013 12:07

I hate these threads too. Mum is almost as bad as her abusive dp. In that she is so weak, she should be ashamed

what a nasty comment. Truly. You have not walked i OPs shoes. She has come on here looking for advice. She is being abused. She is unable to stand up to this man because for whatever reason she has made herself vulnerable. Can you even imagine what she must be going through? the anxiety and fear and realisation that she has given up her security and put herself, dd and ubc in a position of dependence on someone who is predictable and scary?

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 12:10

cantheyseeme. Can you read or do have trouble comprehending?

The OP acknowledged she is in the wrong straight after her opening post. She has not ignored any advice.

HaroldTheGoat · 30/12/2013 12:10

Everyone arguing amongst themselves isn't helping any more than some of the comments people are getting up in arms about.

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 12:13

Well I think it's perfectly ok to point out when someone is being nasty to an Op who is seeking help. Why letosts like that go unchallenged?

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 12:14

Sorry "why let posts like that"

HaroldTheGoat · 30/12/2013 12:15

Well she came on last night and said she was leaving the thread and had found it useful and all that's happening today is a dead horse getting flogged.

PeriodFeatures · 30/12/2013 12:22

I have just read the comments that have been left since last night goat frankly shocking comments. I just I wanted to say something, that's all. I hope OP comes back or finds support elsewhere.