to think that he is entitled to refuse this

[messclearer]

I have name changed for this as it is very sensitive to me and my family and I’ll try to keep it as broef as possible.

My sister is gay and her and her wife (they have a civil partnership) have wanted to have a child for some time. I have a younger brother who is 19 and one months ago Dsis and DSil asked him whether he would donate sperm for artificial insemination. DSis has implicitly stated that this is what was going to happen was going to happen for the last few years without ever telling him and no-one in the family has ever challenged her (I accept that this is partly my fault). My brother initially told them that he would need to have a long think about it but last week told them that he did not to do it. Since then my sister and the family and some of our family friends have reacted very nastily towards him, my mum and dad uninvited him from Christmas dinner and my sister sent him some very nasty texts along with telling everyone that he is dead to her and that she has no brother etc.

I feel that it is his choice though and the reason he gives for not doing it (he would feel uncomfortable around a child he had biologically fathered but was not their parent) is a reasonable one regardless of whether you accept it or not. I saw him yesterday and he is shell shocked by the whole thing and the way that most people he has known since he was very young have turned on him. I feel terrible for him as he has suffered vitriol from most member of our family in the last week or so for making a legitimate choice. DH seems to think that the initial reaction is expected and although it is unpleasant at the moment, it was an inevitable consequence of this decision in an emotionally charged environment but that it will inevitably blow over. I feel horrendous about the whole thing for him as so many people have turned on him for making a choice that is acceptable in my opinion alongside the ridiculous assumption on the part of my sister that he was certain to agree to this request.

Shocking behaviour from your sister, she has no right to demand his sperm. If I were you I'd stand by your brother on this one. She cannot make such a decision for him simply because she feels it's a convenient way to tie herself to the baby genetically, she must realise that was always going to be his choice?

I do want to say though that several people on this thread have referred to her being a lesbian as a 'choice' or 'lifestyle choice' and I have to say - it is not! She is as likely to have chosen to prefer women as any of you have chosen to prefer men. To keep insisting that homosexuality is a choice is really fucking ignorant!

I don't object to this in principle. If my sister needed donor eggs I would probably provide them to be combined with her husband's sperm. I don't find that wrong or weird. It is a nice way for a family member to help another if they can.

So basically if your DBro was in agreement with providing the sperm I would actually think he was doing a very positive thing. However, the point here is your DBro has said he is uncomfortable doing this and that should be the end of the matter. He should not be ostracised by the family for his considered decision.

Hmm blatant I took the comments about lifestyle choice in relation to the choice to have a baby (with or without her brother's sperm.)

Obviously our sexual orientation is not a choice but to marry someone (of either the same or opposite gender) and to have a child with them is a lifestyle choice whether gay, straight or bi.

I know a gay couple where the brother actually offered his sperm when he found out they were planning IVF. The couple thought about it very carefully, and decided that they would rather use an unknown donor. The main issues were that it would change their relationship with the brother when he was the father of their child.

They now have two children with two donors, and I think it they would have preferred the same donor for both.

Potentially your brother could have been called upon to father many children before he was ready for his own family.

I would give your parents a slap.

This is the most awful thing I have ever read on here.
OP, your family sound like a bunch of abusive,brainless bullies.Revolted at the plan your sister hatched while your brother was still a child himself, just wrong on so many levels.
Have they no thought or care for his emotional well-being?I cannot fathom any mother or father or sister being so cruel to their child/brother.
Sister and her wife ought to seek counselling,although, from what you have written, they do not seem fit to be parents of any child.
I am so angry on your brother's behalf.Please stand up for him, cannot imagine the turmoil he must be in.
And ask your Dad to offer a cup of HIS sperm.

I am sensing a level of ambivalence in your posts OP?

The dynamics of the family sound powerfully for the sister and against the brother, and not sure where you fit in?

It can be hard to do the right thing when you've been brought up in a family where there are some strong roles and dynamics going on.

There are some people who would be ok with being the biological father of a child raised by their sister. Your brother is not one of them, and at 19 that shouldn't be unexpected.

How on earth could the family dynamic not be altered by something like this? In plenty of cases it could have a positive influence, drawing the family closer together. Clearly not in this one though.

I actually think you need to apologise to your brother for not standing up well before now and pointing out the obvious: This is not a trivial or a simple request, and thus be prepared for both answers when the request is made. You will have to be the bridge builder, otherwise your brother may end up being coerced into it anyway.

Poor bloke! I can imagine so many scenarios in the future where this would come back to haunt him were he to do it. Totally unreasonable reaction on your family's part and at his age he should never be expected to do this! Very weird...

Wow, your bro must have felt the request from your sister like a slap round the face, then your parents reaction like a knee to the groin.

The fact that this appears to have been an open secret in your family, apart from your DB, suggests problems already in your family dynamic. Which inclines me to the opinion your DB is one smart cookie to say no.

Apologies if this has been mentioned before, but I think his age is crucial in this. At 19 I don't think I would have been able to go through with something like this or even to understand the enormity of it. I know that at 19 he's an adult but I still think that it's very unfair to ask something like this from someone so young.

Yes,the suggestion that your father should offer his sperm seems like a good one.If he's as keen as the rest of the family he should put his money where his mouth is.

Apart from you and your brother, your family sound deeply unpleasant and uncaring. Pity the poor child, whoever its father turns out to be.

I am appalled at this story and your whole family, especially your parents should be deeply ashamed of themselves. they are behaving like spoilt, selfish, short-sighted children while ironically, your boy 19 year old brother who is little more than a child himself is the only only one behaving like the adult.

It's a big decision for any family member to make, but for a 19 year old boy it's just too much to deal with right now. If he were older maybe the answer would have been different - maybe not. But that's his call. No-one can expect this of someone else. It's not just sperm, is it? It's a much more complex and challenging situation than that, fraught with potential emotional pitfalls that stretch far into the future, and not something to be entered into lightly.

If your sister and her partner cannot see that then perhaps they are not emotionally intelligent enough to be parents.

And as for your parents - words fail me. Poor kid.

I would think it was would be incredibly unusual for a 19 year old male to agree to this idea!!

I am amazed that the family thought he would!!

What a bizarre plan. Dsis needs to go and buy sperm from a donor. What a ridiculous expectation

So your parents have been looking at your DB as a brood stallion, what a way to treat your 19YO. I am speechless at your family emotionally blackmailing DB and in awe at him having the maturity and strength to stand up to them. I have just had to tell my family your story as they saw my face as I read the thread. DD18 is on the side of DB and can't believe it all either.

Thank goodness he has you on his side mess.

Good post Bored.

I can't believe they expect him to go through with it like some unfeeling sperm machine! If he was on board with the idea I don't think it would be icky at all. Expecting him to do it is well and truely bizarre.

My Dsis and Dbil can't have kids. There is no way my Dsis can carry a baby. I volunteered to be a surrogate after many many long discussions with my DH. They decided against it for their own reasons. I don't feel that it would have been awkward or weird as I was very willing to do it. The only stipulation I would have has would have been that if something happened to Dsis and Dbil then I would wanted to take custody of the child rather than anyone else.

It's actually surprising how many people have asked why I haven't has a baby for her without even knowing I had offered. Some people just don't think through the implications.

Your family is being very unreasonable, among other things. Your poor brother. Your sister sounds like she'd be a crap parent, she has no views or thoughts of other peoples feelings. She should use her own egg if she wants to have family genes, and use a sperm bank.

I understand why your sister asked your brother so that she would share some genetics with the child, but I am appalled at her reaction and that of the rest of your family. I'm glad your brother has your support

This is all awful, but the most disgusting thing I've read on this thread is grimbletart 's comment.

My DB and his husband have asked my DSis (19) to have their baby for them

I don't think it makes the family's behaviour any better, but that's not quite a comparable position (and I suspect the difference is what is driving the family's vile behaviour).

Pregnancy is risky. People die while having children, not at a high rate but certainly not at a zero rate either. Being left with substantial health issues that may, for example, prevent having another child is also a significant risk. Even if a woman is absolutely on board with giving the child to someone else and entirely emotionally secure in their decision, the physical risks are non-trivial.

Egg donation is not remotely as risky, but it's certainly not risk-free, and involves a commitment to hormone treatment over a period of some weeks.

Sperm donation is risk free, and can be done in twenty minutes via a procedure than a 19 year old man is probably doing daily anyway.

So if you're confronted by an emotionally abusive family of fuckwits, that's their excuse: it's risk free and no trouble, so what is he complaining about? Turning it around to situations which are comparable were he a woman is emotionally similar, but if you're not concerned about the broodmare/stud's emotional well-being, that comparison doesn't resonate.

Grimbletart, what a horribly homophobic comment you have made. The OP's DS has not rejected men as a lifestyle choice any more than straight women (I'm guessing you included) have rejected women as a lifestyle "choice"!

I have no personal experience of this situation but I have seen stories in the news and such of sisters donating eggs to another sister, and I remember in the TV show Brothers & Sisters one brother was infertile so his two other brothers donated their sperm and neither knew who was the biological father of the child. I know it was a show, but something to consider. Anyway, I am not seeing the 'gross' factor that people are finding about the dad/uncle role (though I doubt he would have a 'dad' role, a donor is usually just a donor I think??).

But back to the point. Your brother is completely within his rights to refuse. Your family need to respect his decision. Your DS and DSIL have other options, this is not the end of their dream for a family. I feel very sorry for your DB as he must feel very torn.

Perhaps part of the reason your brother refused is that he didn't think these people would be suitable and loving parents for a child? If so then he has been proved correct. Your poor brother - how ridiculous for your family to think he doesn't get to decide for himself on this. I can't believe how much they are bullying this poor 19 year old and hope he stays strong.

I have absolutely no problem with the idea if everyone agrees but that is clearly not the case here.

Normally I never think its a good idea to show people threads that are about them but in this case I would. Your body, your choice, brother of messclearer!

I don't think the biology of it is yuk. I would accept an egg from my sister if it were donated freely.

The yuk is the timing and the pressure. I think for many people, 19 is too young to be making decisions about parenthood. I certainly think it's too young to make decisions about assisting other people with it.