to think that he is entitled to refuse this

[messclearer]

I have name changed for this as it is very sensitive to me and my family and I’ll try to keep it as broef as possible.

My sister is gay and her and her wife (they have a civil partnership) have wanted to have a child for some time. I have a younger brother who is 19 and one months ago Dsis and DSil asked him whether he would donate sperm for artificial insemination. DSis has implicitly stated that this is what was going to happen was going to happen for the last few years without ever telling him and no-one in the family has ever challenged her (I accept that this is partly my fault). My brother initially told them that he would need to have a long think about it but last week told them that he did not to do it. Since then my sister and the family and some of our family friends have reacted very nastily towards him, my mum and dad uninvited him from Christmas dinner and my sister sent him some very nasty texts along with telling everyone that he is dead to her and that she has no brother etc.

I feel that it is his choice though and the reason he gives for not doing it (he would feel uncomfortable around a child he had biologically fathered but was not their parent) is a reasonable one regardless of whether you accept it or not. I saw him yesterday and he is shell shocked by the whole thing and the way that most people he has known since he was very young have turned on him. I feel terrible for him as he has suffered vitriol from most member of our family in the last week or so for making a legitimate choice. DH seems to think that the initial reaction is expected and although it is unpleasant at the moment, it was an inevitable consequence of this decision in an emotionally charged environment but that it will inevitably blow over. I feel horrendous about the whole thing for him as so many people have turned on him for making a choice that is acceptable in my opinion alongside the ridiculous assumption on the part of my sister that he was certain to agree to this request.

It's nasty that they've planned it from him being a younger teen. That's what I find disgusting personally

What you do for him is stress that their reaction is toxic, sick and shocking and he is totally entitled to care about his own fertility and what children he does or doesn't want to father, and that he isn't some useful gene bank for his sister or anyone else.

Has your sister decided she wants him to inseminate her partner so your family will still have a claim on the baby if her relationship breaks down?

If they're in a civil partnership prior to conception, the conception is not via sexual intercourse (can be DIY, at home AI, but must be via AI or IVF etc) and by consent, and they register the child jointly on the birth certificate, then both parents are named on it and the sole birth/adoptive parents, in law.

He does also need to consider the fact that if they spilt the sil may go after him for child support

As above - in law, a child born of a civil partnership is the child of that partnership. There is no father and he wouldn't be liable for any child support.

The horrible implications here are emotional. And the whole family are behaving abusively towards a teenager who doesn't want to father a child he won't have any parental relationship with, but will be closely associated with for the rest of their lives. Absolute emotional minefield for an adult to negotiate, much less a teenager. I'm gobsmacked that these parents are so cavalier about their own child's needs and rights. Just horrendous. What a terrible thing to do to him and thank the Lord he has the guts to stand up for himself on the issue.

FryOne your information is out of date, I'm afraid. For a start, anonymous donation is no longer permitted in the UK. If a lesbian couple in a civil partnership have a child, both can be named as parents on the birth certificate.

Just to clarify the legal/financial position - as the lesbian couple have a civil partnership, even if they do self-insemination at home, they are the legal parents and will both be on the birth certificate. The sperm donor would have no legal rights or responsibilities towards the child, now or in the future.
This is as a result of the 2005 equality act, birth certificates now have mother and parent rather than mother and father because of this.

Sounds like a very mature decision by your brother.

Not sure if anyone has said this but for a 19yr old your brother has shown himself to be a mature, responsible adult...

Regardless of what he decided he considered it, did not react and faced up to what he was asked and refused in the face of an emotionally charged situation.

He needs to be given a lot of respect for that, please support him OP.

Yeah, I have to agree. He's shown really impressive gumption in the teeth of horrible bullying.

OP, your sister and your parents are just horrible. Fucking horrible. I really feel for your young brother, who sounds like a thoughtful and responsible young man. And he is young - 19; the fact that your sister "has implicitly stated that this is what was going to happen for the last few years [my bolding] without ever telling him and no-one in the family has ever challenged her (I accept that this is partly my fault)." So, your sister decided that a SCHOOLBOY was going to father her child? Excuse me while I just vomit in the corner. for brother with sister.

"Since then my sister and the family and some of our family friends have reacted very nastily towards him, my mum and dad uninvited him from Christmas dinner and my sister sent him some very nasty texts along with telling everyone that he is dead to her and that she has no brother etc."
SO what do your parents/sister expect that this will achieve? Are they trying to cow him into it?

I really think that it is necessary, for your brother and for your own ability to look at yourself in the mirror, that you stand up and be counted here. And I really do mean "stand up". Stand up to your parents and tell them they are wrong, wrong, wrong and that you are ashamed of them. Stand up to your sister and tell her she is a bully and her long-standing assumption that her brother would donate sperm was a shockingingly selfish display of entitlement and considering she started thinking of her brother as nothing but a personal sperm bank when he was still a CHILD is just horrible.

As for the family friends reaction - why? Were they also privy to your sister's master plan? Did everyone know your brother was just a walking sperm bank for the golden child except him ??

And yes, as others have suggested maybe raise with your father that if they want the child to be genetically 'theirs', he should step in as a sperm donor. Let's see how they like them apples .

They cannot compel him to donate,how dare they ostracise him
Someone needs to have a stern word with the ladies

Really ?

So, your sister's wife would be the child's biological mother; your brother would be the child's biological father and the child's uncle by marriage; your sister would be the child's biological aunt and the child's mother by marriage (civil partnership).

Oh, and there is the not so tiny matter in that your brother (a teenager) is being bullied, coerced, blackmailed into 'donating' his sperm, by not only your sister and her wife, but also by his own parents (the very people he would expect to protect him _ yes, even at 19)!

And these people think they are suitable people to bring a child into the world and parent it?!?!

This is so sad.

What where said x a million.

It's all well and good buying a turkey but what are you planning to do to support this very young, vulnerable teenager who has had his entire family turn their backs on him because his sister started wanting his sperm while he was a child?!

I would not be happy to father a child and pretend for the rest of my life I was his uncle. Very emotionally complicated IMO.

Either way it's entirely up to your brother and he shouldn't be pressured into anything he's not comfortable with - certainly not be badgered abusively and disowned.

If your parents are so keen to have a biological connection with the child, then yr Dad should be the sperm donor.

May be they could ask your father for some of his sperm?

Would solve the same genes issue

Oh x post

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour by the family. messclearer's brother needs to have no reason for his choice he is absolutely free to simply say 'no'.

However I do think that OP's husband is being extremely naive to think that this will somehow blow over. No doubt the family will want to brush this under the carpet at some point but I would doubt that the brother will be able to easily forgive and forget the hurtful and hateful comments made.

That's disgusting both the request and reaction

Stand up for your brother children or the rights to children can't be demanded good on your brother for saying no

They need to go through the proper channels and apologise to your brother bless him

If he's feeling low show him this thread

All the males who are against the brothers decision should offer theirs then no problems if its no big deal

She was being unreasonable in even asking a nineteen year old boy to do this.

Your sister and her wife sound like they will be fantastic parents to a child....not