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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that he is entitled to refuse this

265 replies

messclearer · 28/12/2013 19:18

I have name changed for this as it is very sensitive to me and my family and I’ll try to keep it as broef as possible.

My sister is gay and her and her wife (they have a civil partnership) have wanted to have a child for some time. I have a younger brother who is 19 and one months ago Dsis and DSil asked him whether he would donate sperm for artificial insemination. DSis has implicitly stated that this is what was going to happen was going to happen for the last few years without ever telling him and no-one in the family has ever challenged her (I accept that this is partly my fault). My brother initially told them that he would need to have a long think about it but last week told them that he did not to do it. Since then my sister and the family and some of our family friends have reacted very nastily towards him, my mum and dad uninvited him from Christmas dinner and my sister sent him some very nasty texts along with telling everyone that he is dead to her and that she has no brother etc.

I feel that it is his choice though and the reason he gives for not doing it (he would feel uncomfortable around a child he had biologically fathered but was not their parent) is a reasonable one regardless of whether you accept it or not. I saw him yesterday and he is shell shocked by the whole thing and the way that most people he has known since he was very young have turned on him. I feel terrible for him as he has suffered vitriol from most member of our family in the last week or so for making a legitimate choice. DH seems to think that the initial reaction is expected and although it is unpleasant at the moment, it was an inevitable consequence of this decision in an emotionally charged environment but that it will inevitably blow over. I feel horrendous about the whole thing for him as so many people have turned on him for making a choice that is acceptable in my opinion alongside the ridiculous assumption on the part of my sister that he was certain to agree to this request.

OP posts:
2468Motorway · 28/12/2013 19:38

Wow weird reaction from your family. So your 19 yr old brother doesn't want his sperm used to artificially inseminate his sister's partner. So his biological child would be raised as his nephew in an informal agreement.

I'm not surprised! If you don't do this sort of thing properly it will have massive far reaching consequences, financial and emotional. He would have to be 100 % on board. Best of luck to you but perhaps you should throw it back and ask any other males in the family if they'd like to do it. Bet there is a bit of a silence.

grimbletart · 28/12/2013 19:38

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MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 19:38

Your family are behaving terribly. Your brother has a right to choose not to father a child. Please stand up for him, poor lad!

harriet247 · 28/12/2013 19:38

Well that is one aibu I never expected to read! Hinbu obviously!I actually think it is pretty warped and I would stay well away from her until she resets that brain of hers. Madness.

starrystarryknut · 28/12/2013 19:39

My goodness I feel sorry for your DB. You really should show him the responses on here, as it is likely that he is wondering if perhaps he was out of line etc. He is definitely not BTW. I find the whole thing incredible and just wrong (or certainly the blatant assumption and now bullying) - and I have many gay friends, some of whom have or wish to conceive. You make a big point about genetics - is this is some way about preserving a particular ethno-religious bloodline?

Flibbertyjibbet · 28/12/2013 19:39

Can you imagine if every couple who had ivf just got sperm from the husbands brother? No it wouldn't happen would it.

Your brother is right to refuse. Your sister needs counselling before going any further down the path of having a baby. She seems to have issues with the child being genetically her wife's, but not hers.

FryOneFatChristmasGoose · 28/12/2013 19:40

I agree with everyone else. It's totally inappropriate, and he'll be landed with the consequences for years to come. So unfair. I say ask your dad if he'd be willing to donate. If not, then why not, if they are so keen on your DB being the donor.

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 19:40

This is really shocking behaviour on your sister's behalf. I speak as a lesbian who had a child with a friend who acted as a donor. It is a HUGE decision on his part and he has every right to say no. In fact if he went ahead but waa secretly very unhappy to do so that would be awful. I do understand your sister and her wife's predicament but, like you I think this poor man is in the right. Am astounded that the rest of your family think otherwise.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 19:40

I am shocked at your mum and dad.

Is there anywhere that offers advice to gay couples wanting to be parents? About the legal and emotional issues of sperm donation etc?

CecilyP · 28/12/2013 19:40

What a horrible way to treat a 19-year-old lad who has made a sensible and thoughtful decision. I think their subsequent behaviour has really reinforced that his decision is the correct one.

I hope you are able to offer your brother all the support he needs as you and he appear to be the only sane ones in this situation.

Varya · 28/12/2013 19:40

Tell them to find a donor outside the family if they want to do this.

Stinkyminkymoo · 28/12/2013 19:43

Jesus, this is probably one of the worst family related things I've read on MN. Your poor brother, I'm sure that you are supporting him as best you can in what must be a very unpleasant time for him.

My DSis has gay friends and they got a sperm donor for their DC as I'd have thought a normal couple would. What if they wanted a sibling or 2? Is he supposed to keep supplying sperm until their family is complete? What if DSis wanted a child? Obviously they couldn't be related?!

Your poor poor brother, what a terrible situation for him Sad

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 19:44

Am more than happy to share my experience if you feel that would help. Pm me if you like op but you dont need to be gay to know that he is firmly in the right.

CecilyP · 28/12/2013 19:44

Well, tell your Dad that if he feels that strongly about it why doesn't he donate the sperm. Your poor DB, it's his body not some sort of stud service.

Yes do it! It would be worth it to see the reaction and could make your family see sense.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 28/12/2013 19:45

Could they not use anonymous donor sperm to fertilise her egg and put it in her wife's womb. Or vv. Then theyd both have a biological role but wouldnt be creating Uncle Daddy. Which is atotal headfuck for a kid.
This is rl, not an episode of friends.

elliejjtiny · 28/12/2013 19:45

Your poor brother. I will never donate my eggs to anyone for various reasons. To assume someone would donate their sperm is awful and to assume that when the person donating is still a child is just creepy.

CrapBag · 28/12/2013 19:46

YANBU.

In fact even if your family do a u turn, if I was your poor brother, I wouldn't want to know. What an appalling way to treat him.

Imagine when the child was older, if they had to find out who their bio dad was for any reason, the impact that this would have.

Your sister and everyone else are bloody despicable!

Corygal · 28/12/2013 19:46

Sympathetic as I am to a childless couple, that's rank. Prob not illegal tho', as the law may not have come across it yet. Altho maybe the Australians are thinking about it.

What happens if/when the marriage breaks up? DB would be entitled to see the child over DSIS.

TwerkingNineToFive · 28/12/2013 19:46

Why can't they just get a donor that shares your dsis hair/eye colour?
I think your brother is totally correct it could cause major emotional problems for him and the child.
Very odd that everyone agrees with your sis on this.

TwerkingNineToFive · 28/12/2013 19:48

By 'everyone' I mean in the family not on MN.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 28/12/2013 19:48

My cousin used an anonymous donor and now her partner has used the same donor to conceive a younger brother/sister. Why can't they do this?

OryxCrake · 28/12/2013 19:52

Your brother is the same age as my DS and I'd go bloody ballistic if he was being pressured in that way.

Nobody should be put in that position against their will and he's just a kid fgs.

It's really sad that family members, including his mum and dad, are ganging up on him and giving him a hard time. Thankfully he has you on his side.

NomNomDePlum · 28/12/2013 19:52

if he has said no, that's the end of it. glad you are supporting him, hope the rest of your family get a grip soon.

Tikkamasala · 28/12/2013 19:53

YANBU. I think the sister and partner are being awful. Totally normal that your brother is not comfortable! Out of order for something like this to be assumed

raisah · 28/12/2013 19:53

Your sister was unreasonable & deluded to think that he would accecpt such a life changing decision without being asked. Is she mad?! It is understandable that she would like a child & wants it to be bioligically related to her in one way. I presume that her wife would be the bioligical mum & she the 'aunt/2nd parent?

You should stick by your brother and defend him at every opportunity, he needs an advocate since nobody will give him the time of day.

If he went ahead with the mad plan & something went awfully wrong, the fall out would be huge & they need to be made to understand this. It is far to use a donor & not mix business with pleasure.