Friend, her DCs, and me 'punishing' them unfairly.

[youarewinning]

Had my friends dcs (8&10) last night for the night as her and her DH had a child free family event. I'd booked cinema as a surprise.

She stayed for coffee when she dropped them off and kids went to park opposite to play on DS (9) remote control car he got for Christmas. I tell them to come in at 3pm as we're going out. Youngest tried to negotiate but I refused to engage and said 3pm please. Friend got a little defensive saying she always tells them 15 minutes earlier than she wants them in as it gives her negotiation room.

Anyway friend leaves and I get things ready for trip. DS comes in at 3pm and says the other 2 said they could stay out as it wasn't dark and their mum doesn't mind them being late.

DS is very upset (has SN and these things do upset him more than others) so I calmed him and gave him a snack. At about 3.20 I thought I ought to go and get the others as we needed to leave at 3.45. As I'm getting my shoes and coat on they come back. I ask them to go to toilet and get coats etc as we are leaving in 15 minutes. I also said to make themselves a drink. DS is finishing his snack at this time and youngest asks for one. I said no time now as late back but I had snacks for them. She gets in a strop and storms off. Tell other 2 to ignore her and get ready as we have to leave. Then finally persuade dc2 she won't drop dead of starvation in next half hour and we need to leave. By now it's nearly 4pm. Film starts at 4.15. Get to town at 4.10pm and park and then I tell them what surprise is. They were very excited. DS asks if we can get sweets but I said too late now as running late but I had some chocolate and crisps and a drink each in my bag. Walking up stairs I hear dc2 start slagging me off to my DS. DS shouted at her so even if I'd not heard the whole cinema then knew about it!

I tell her not be so rude and she should have done as she was asked if she wanted things to be her way after.

I'm not a teller, or a rusher etc, more a natural consequences person. So just kept going on with plans treating all 3 dc equally.

We went to Burger King after and they all slept well. Friend collected them at 10.30am stayed for a coffee and left about 11.30.

She rang me about half an hour ago telling me both her DCs were distraught, why would I refuse them food and drink, I should have gone to find them to come in when they were late for the 'curfew'.

I just said they were not refused, they choose to ignore the curfew and therefore had no time for snack, they had food at the cinema, and a Burger King. I then said her youngest had been quite rude to me and about me.

She then said I 'knew' when she gives her girls a curfew it was always 15 minutes earlier than they actually needed to be in/ she wanted them in to allow for them to negotiate later and/ or be late. (What I've witnessed is the youngest arguing over everything times she's been given for most things and her mum agreeing to a different time). Therefore she feels I punished them unfairly.

I pointed out she was there when I reiterated they needed to be in at 3 and they chose to come in nearly half hour later and they were not punished.

So who is right here? I'm left feeling like a prize bitch but yet feeling there wasn't much else I could have done other than make us late for the film?

My daughter knows that different people have different rules and that the adult is in charge. End of

hothead my DS is the one being assessed for ASD. He's the one who needs timings etc to be organised and know what is happening. With regards to me parenting differently - that's fine. She does it her way I do it mine. But she was there when I said be in at 3 as going out and will be hungry after playing out so would want a snack. The dc2 asked for 3.30 and I said said there wouldn't be time for a snack as going out, need to be at 3. She then asked for quarter past as she wouldn't want a snack as she wasn't hungry. I just said I'd asked for 3? She couldn't know if she would be hungry in an hour and were they going out or not? They went out.

I don't think it will be curtains on our friendship. Her dcs have been messaging DS yesterday and today in the normal way. The DCs actually seem non plussed by it all. That's why I'm wondering where her attitude has come from.

I'm gonna rue the day I told her she's entitled to stand up for herself if she doesn't agree with things and no one will hate her for having a differing opinion.

Don't confuse parenting with doing someone a favour.

Children of that age are perfectly capable of adapting their behaviour to the situation. In all my years of childminding I have never had to adapt my approach in order to suit particular children except when they are very new to the setting. They soon learn the rules, which are firm, fair and consistent, and have no problem abiding by them.

These children know you well and know that you are clear in your instructions and mean what you say. They had a reminder that they needed to come in when your DS came in. They chose to ignore that to make a point or at least the younger one was making a point.

You are likely to be asked to care for them again and it is perfectly reasonable for you to establish the boundaries in a calm, reasonable manner as you did. You chose to allow them to miss their snack in order that they learn not to deliberately disobey you in future. That's not being mean.

Children need to know where the boundaries are and, although the younger one didn't like finding out the slightly harder way, she will be able to use what she has learn on this visit to make decisions about how to behave on future occasions in your care. If you think she might try it on again a quick reminder about how she missed her snack last time will help.

If you could talk to her teachers and leaders of out of school activities she has attended, you'd probably find that they have all had to do the same.

As long as she doesn't think that the phone call from her doting mother will cause you to change your approach, you'll probably find that she accepts your boundaries more easily in the future. I see no need to end the friendship. You've done the tough bit now.

Perhaps she was glad that you did something 'wrong', and is clinging on to it?

If she is struggling she may be jealous of how you manage? Then her kids go to stay with you, all five of you have two lovely treats with no shouting and tantrumming, they'd followed the rules (ish!) and you seem to be able to cope do much better than her.

I can imagine them chatting away about the cinema and BK and and and, with one of them telling the story of the day 'so we were late but OP had said 3 so we didn't get a snack but she already had snacks for us in the cinema and THEN we went to BK!' and your friend just seizing on the one thing she could complain about? If she is struggling?

FWIW I see no issue whatsoever with your entire approach. Just don't tie the whole thing in unnecessary knots by explaining and getting hung up on timings, etc. even if the kids had complained, a normal approach would have been 'don't be silly, look how kind she was taking you for those lovely treats!' Or 'meh, she's just a bit stricter than me: you know that'