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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend, her DCs, and me 'punishing' them unfairly.

180 replies

youarewinning · 28/12/2013 13:00

Had my friends dcs (8&10) last night for the night as her and her DH had a child free family event. I'd booked cinema as a surprise.

She stayed for coffee when she dropped them off and kids went to park opposite to play on DS (9) remote control car he got for Christmas. I tell them to come in at 3pm as we're going out. Youngest tried to negotiate but I refused to engage and said 3pm please. Friend got a little defensive saying she always tells them 15 minutes earlier than she wants them in as it gives her negotiation room.

Anyway friend leaves and I get things ready for trip. DS comes in at 3pm and says the other 2 said they could stay out as it wasn't dark and their mum doesn't mind them being late.

DS is very upset (has SN and these things do upset him more than others) so I calmed him and gave him a snack. At about 3.20 I thought I ought to go and get the others as we needed to leave at 3.45. As I'm getting my shoes and coat on they come back. I ask them to go to toilet and get coats etc as we are leaving in 15 minutes. I also said to make themselves a drink. DS is finishing his snack at this time and youngest asks for one. I said no time now as late back but I had snacks for them. She gets in a strop and storms off. Tell other 2 to ignore her and get ready as we have to leave. Then finally persuade dc2 she won't drop dead of starvation in next half hour and we need to leave. By now it's nearly 4pm. Film starts at 4.15. Get to town at 4.10pm and park and then I tell them what surprise is. They were very excited. Grin DS asks if we can get sweets but I said too late now as running late but I had some chocolate and crisps and a drink each in my bag. Walking up stairs I hear dc2 start slagging me off to my DS. DS shouted at her so even if I'd not heard the whole cinema then knew about it!

I tell her not be so rude and she should have done as she was asked if she wanted things to be her way after.

I'm not a teller, or a rusher etc, more a natural consequences person. So just kept going on with plans treating all 3 dc equally.

We went to Burger King after and they all slept well. Friend collected them at 10.30am stayed for a coffee and left about 11.30.

She rang me about half an hour ago telling me both her DCs were distraught, why would I refuse them food and drink, I should have gone to find them to come in when they were late for the 'curfew'.

I just said they were not refused, they choose to ignore the curfew and therefore had no time for snack, they had food at the cinema, and a Burger King. I then said her youngest had been quite rude to me and about me.

She then said I 'knew' when she gives her girls a curfew it was always 15 minutes earlier than they actually needed to be in/ she wanted them in to allow for them to negotiate later and/ or be late. (What I've witnessed is the youngest arguing over everything times she's been given for most things and her mum agreeing to a different time). Therefore she feels I punished them unfairly.

I pointed out she was there when I reiterated they needed to be in at 3 and they chose to come in nearly half hour later and they were not punished.

So who is right here? I'm left feeling like a prize bitch but yet feeling there wasn't much else I could have done other than make us late for the film?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 18:22

It's not just school though it's EVERYWHERE. You don't sit there for ten exa minutes in the cinema when the films finished. You don't stay at preschool, nursery ,birthday parties, play dates, sports classes, etc all the things that kids that age have done for years.

Emergencies don't come with warnings either.

Of course they knew. They are 8 and 10 perfectly capable of understanding a simple sentence and command. And had they added 15 mins they still would have been late!! It was 3.20 after all. It was a deliberate complete dis regard.

These ridiculously low expectations of children are probably why kids like hers are so badly behaved.

MrsBeeZed · 28/12/2013 18:27

I cannot even begin to fathom the fact that some posters are supporting the negotiating and 15 minute warning nonsense. This may, perhaps explain why many children are "out-of-hand" these days. It's about time for parents to take back control.
OP you did nothing wrong in my book and if it was me, I wouldn't babysit again.

moldingsunbeams · 28/12/2013 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingThroughTheFog · 28/12/2013 18:28

Look, I don't disagree that the children were spoiled!

I just think the fact that they're spoiled, isn't the children's fault.

Revengeofkarma · 28/12/2013 18:30

I wouldn't put it past this woman to not ask you to sit again (until she was totally desperate!) while simultaneously telling everyone else it's because you're so horrible. Ignore that when it comes around as it will totally come back around and bite her in the backside.

YourHandInMyHand · 28/12/2013 18:31

Cheeky ungrateful woman! Shock

I'd be ringing her back and pointing out that despite her children not doing as they were told they had sweets and snacks during the cinema trip, followed by a burger king! I would also be pointing out I was looking after them as a very kind favour and did not appreciate being phoned up and told off! Angry

These kids are going to end up with no friends aren't they.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 18:34

If they were two year olds I'd agree. But these are children who quite happily and easily switch from being able to cope with time restraints and have done for years in every other activity or setting they have attended to being deliberately disobedient. Ergo it's their choice to behave like that as they already understand and know how to behave.

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 18:37

Nothing wrong in them being out unsupervised. The only thing is I wouldn't have relied on them to come in at 3 without being called but beyond that you did nothing unreasonable.

I'm boggled by the other mother phoning to complain.

ImABadGirl · 28/12/2013 18:38

These kids are going to grow into adults that are always late, you know the sort that keeps people waiting because their time is more important than yours.

OP I think you did a great job and I certainly wouldn't be sitting these kids again.

zzzzz · 28/12/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 28/12/2013 18:38

You know I think the dc were having a moan/whinge and wanting sympathy/indulgence from your "friend", shame your friend couldn't work that out...

whatever5 · 28/12/2013 18:39

She sounds like a real pain in the neck. Apart from everything else I would be furious that she believed her precious darlings when they said you didn't give them food and drink all afternoon and evening. She can't think much of you to believe that.

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 18:44

We used to have friends with with badly behaved kids like this. One time when we were looking after them they went too far
I told their parents who were livid with me and accused me of making things up. They never spoke to us again! To be honest it was a relief! We have loads of kids round and no such issues. ..ever again. Please don't over think this op. Don't tolerate such behaviour, especially when you are doing someone a favour!

clam · 28/12/2013 18:47

She gives her kids negotiating time for everything?
Tell her Good luck with that one!

LookingThroughTheFog · 28/12/2013 18:52

But these are children who quite happily and easily switch from being able to cope with time restraints and have done for years in every other activity or setting

Could be. Or, they could be the two children who turn up late for every single registration, and are shoved in to classes after the warm ups have happened, and who have learned not to pay any notice to raised eyebrows and stern looks.

I don't know.

Look, I admit, I'm coming at this from a biased angle. Like I say, I've taught my children how to behave, and I'm teaching them how to think for themselves too. My father was the 'I bark an instruction, and you will obey immediately, without complaint or question. You will do my will at every turn, and there will be no deviation. You have no free will; you only have my will.'

It was hideous, and I haven't spoken to him for 9 months, and then it was only one sentence because I had to.

There is, absolutely, a middle way between what he did and what this mother is doing. I'd like to think that I'm finding it. But I find the instant and unquestioning obedience model doesn't sit well with me.

But like I say, that's my baggage. The children were rude, the mother was ruder for complaining, but expecting the children to behave any other way when the mother had told them they wouldn't might have been a little misguided. Not wrong; just misguided.

foreverondiet · 28/12/2013 19:25

Your friend is so rude. You looked after them so your rules. The 15 mins thing is a nonsense - a couple of minutes warning is enough. Don't offer to look after her kids again and tell her that you did her a big favour and you expect an apology.

AndHarry · 28/12/2013 19:37

Your friend is very rude and she is teaching her DC to be the same way. The natural consequence is that you will no longer babysit for her Wink

emptychair · 28/12/2013 19:41

Wow. Another here who would NEVER look after her children again.

If my child had exaggerated starvation like that, I may have queried it to my friend but the second I was told the truth, I would be mortified and my DC would be bollocked within an inch of their lives!

I would probably have gone to get them when they didn't come in by about 5 past 3 but I'd have told my friend, in no uncertain terms, how peeved I was with their rudeness at the cinema.

I am astounded that you took them to the cinema and BK and they were so ungrateful!

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 28/12/2013 19:48

Your friend is rude, your natural consequences sound normal and absolutely fine.

I have no idea why an 8 yr old + need 'negotiation time', and it's absolutely not up to you to keep to some strange indulgent routine that their mother uses. How do they cope at school? I'm sure they don't expect 15 notice before breaks and lunch...

Your friend is ungrateful and quite unpleasant.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 28/12/2013 19:48

She's an idiot.

CrapBag · 28/12/2013 20:06

Don't babysit for her again. If she asks remind her that your parenting style wasn't to her liking.

^^This!

She should have been apologising for her kids bad behaviour and thanking you for having them. Distraught??! Oh please, you did not bloody starve them ffs. Your friend sounds like a parent that lets her kids dictate everything. When they grow up and go to work, are they going to get negotiating time? No of course not, stupid thing to teach them.

Bodypopper · 28/12/2013 20:56

Totally agree. You are right op and your friend is a bloody idiot.

Tell her you think it's best that kids know where they stand and do as they are told in a loving environment.

Definatly don't baby sit for her again.

Negotiate my arse. Grin

Panzee · 28/12/2013 21:13

You can't defend their actions. They pulled the "our mum lets us" line. So they clearly knew what they were doing!

justtoomessy · 28/12/2013 21:27

My DS is 4 and stays at friends houses and I tell him he has to do what they say and I tell them to tell him off if he is rude etc and treat him how they would their own children. I always apologise as he is a bit feisty/loud/bossy for his own good.

The kids were rude, their mother was rude!!

I wouldn't have them stay again.

SirChenjin · 28/12/2013 21:33

You were right, she was wrong, rude, ignorant and ungrateful, and she's now bringing up 2 rude, ignorant and ungrateful children. The apple never falls far from the tree.

I'm willing to bet that you will not be offering to look after the pair of them again. Her (big) loss.