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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend, her DCs, and me 'punishing' them unfairly.

180 replies

youarewinning · 28/12/2013 13:00

Had my friends dcs (8&10) last night for the night as her and her DH had a child free family event. I'd booked cinema as a surprise.

She stayed for coffee when she dropped them off and kids went to park opposite to play on DS (9) remote control car he got for Christmas. I tell them to come in at 3pm as we're going out. Youngest tried to negotiate but I refused to engage and said 3pm please. Friend got a little defensive saying she always tells them 15 minutes earlier than she wants them in as it gives her negotiation room.

Anyway friend leaves and I get things ready for trip. DS comes in at 3pm and says the other 2 said they could stay out as it wasn't dark and their mum doesn't mind them being late.

DS is very upset (has SN and these things do upset him more than others) so I calmed him and gave him a snack. At about 3.20 I thought I ought to go and get the others as we needed to leave at 3.45. As I'm getting my shoes and coat on they come back. I ask them to go to toilet and get coats etc as we are leaving in 15 minutes. I also said to make themselves a drink. DS is finishing his snack at this time and youngest asks for one. I said no time now as late back but I had snacks for them. She gets in a strop and storms off. Tell other 2 to ignore her and get ready as we have to leave. Then finally persuade dc2 she won't drop dead of starvation in next half hour and we need to leave. By now it's nearly 4pm. Film starts at 4.15. Get to town at 4.10pm and park and then I tell them what surprise is. They were very excited. Grin DS asks if we can get sweets but I said too late now as running late but I had some chocolate and crisps and a drink each in my bag. Walking up stairs I hear dc2 start slagging me off to my DS. DS shouted at her so even if I'd not heard the whole cinema then knew about it!

I tell her not be so rude and she should have done as she was asked if she wanted things to be her way after.

I'm not a teller, or a rusher etc, more a natural consequences person. So just kept going on with plans treating all 3 dc equally.

We went to Burger King after and they all slept well. Friend collected them at 10.30am stayed for a coffee and left about 11.30.

She rang me about half an hour ago telling me both her DCs were distraught, why would I refuse them food and drink, I should have gone to find them to come in when they were late for the 'curfew'.

I just said they were not refused, they choose to ignore the curfew and therefore had no time for snack, they had food at the cinema, and a Burger King. I then said her youngest had been quite rude to me and about me.

She then said I 'knew' when she gives her girls a curfew it was always 15 minutes earlier than they actually needed to be in/ she wanted them in to allow for them to negotiate later and/ or be late. (What I've witnessed is the youngest arguing over everything times she's been given for most things and her mum agreeing to a different time). Therefore she feels I punished them unfairly.

I pointed out she was there when I reiterated they needed to be in at 3 and they chose to come in nearly half hour later and they were not punished.

So who is right here? I'm left feeling like a prize bitch but yet feeling there wasn't much else I could have done other than make us late for the film?

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 28/12/2013 16:52

rude and ungrateful, I sure as hell would not be having them again, they were taken to the cinema as a treat, they were rude and did not obey simple instructions, and they then went home and moaned about you that is bad enough, what is worse is that the mother called you. No way would I do that

sunshinemmum · 28/12/2013 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilyaldrin · 28/12/2013 17:03

You didn't "punish" them, so your friend is whinging about nothing.

I definitely wouldn't be looking after them again, and if she asks I would her why.

SomethingOnce · 28/12/2013 17:09

Built in 'negotiation' time? Rod. Back.

YANBU.

Groovee · 28/12/2013 17:15

The child who was rude to you is learning well from her mother. I'd say no next time she needs a "babysitter"

Misspixietrix · 28/12/2013 17:21

What dancing said. YNBU.

Misspixietrix · 28/12/2013 17:23

Something my negotiation time is 10 seconds Grin. I start doing the countdown. Everyone from the 11yo DN to the 4yo Ds is usually there by 5! :) she sounds like one of those PFB parents OP I would definately make excuses next time. How ungrateful?! :(

Oblomov · 28/12/2013 17:35

They do sound awful.
BUT, she told you she gave warnings. I do too. "5 minutes boys", to my 2 , aged 10 and 5. (10 yr old SN) and you chose not to do this. Big mistake.
You didn't go and get them. No reminder.
No telling them why they must come in.
When she did come in she was told no snack. But your ds had one. Favouritism and unfair.
Now your rushing and stressed. That was your win fault. You should have told them to come in earlier and left earlier.
She was rude about you.
But I too suspect you don't actually like them.
You seem surprised that this all went badly. They seem spoilt but I also think you made some major clangers!.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 17:44

Seriously oblomov ?

Do NT children need an explanation of the entire day in order to accept a curfew???? What is wrong with expecting a child to look at the watch and realise they need to go home?

Do schools give 5:10/15 min warnings? Like hell they do, they blow the whistle and kids line up. The would have been doing it at school for years.

If my did goes to her friends house i tell her to be back by seven and she is. It's not hard. They took the piss on purpose. It's not an alien concept to them ffs

NicknameIncomplete · 28/12/2013 17:52

Why do kids need a reason to come in? Kids dont need to be told a reason. You tell them to be back at 3 they should be back at 3.

OP told them they had to be back at 3 because they were going out.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 17:53

Exactly ^^

IDontDoIroning · 28/12/2013 17:59

Oblomov - I disagree if she was their nanny/cm and a professional getting paid to look after these dc but she's a mum friend doing a huge ( looking after 2 dc with a SN DC of her own) favour to her so is under no obligation to follow the mums rules.
In fact the opposite should have applied and the dc should have complied with her rules even if they aren't what they are used to at home. NT children should be able to comprehend this and understand that different people have different ways if doing things.
Actually with a SN child herself surely that's even more reason not to change her parenting in her own home with her own child present.

lovelyredwine · 28/12/2013 18:00

Yanbu. What happens at school? I'm fairly certain that when playtime is over that's it, there's no, 'oh go on then, you can gave 5 more minutes.' Bloody ridiculous woman.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 18:02

If you played the 10 more mins card at a nursery or CM you would e charged an extra hour!!

Kids need to learn to get ready when told or face consequences. Simple

Bloob · 28/12/2013 18:03

YANBU, sounds like you dealt with it excellently. But bear in mind your friend probably recieved a very different version of event from her kids to what really happened.

LookingThroughTheFog · 28/12/2013 18:03

Do NT children need an explanation of the entire day in order to accept a curfew?

No, they don't but expecting children who have never had to accept a curfew to suddenly accept a curfew without even giving an explanation as to why the curfew is in place, is possibly expecting too much.

They don't understand curfews at home. They simply don't exist in their world. This is not the children's fault.

I remain slightly baffled as to why you didn't just yell 'five minutes guys!' at 2.55. It wouldn't have been that hard, would it? Not least because the mum told you that they wouldn't understand a non-negotiable curfew.

However, she was totally out of order for her phonecall, and I think she's letting her children down by not preparing them for this sort of thing.

DownstairsMixUp · 28/12/2013 18:05

I wouldn't ever look after her kids again! If i drop my DS off anywhere I tell him he follows THEIR rules and that's that!

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 18:06

Of course they have had a curfew. Every day, three times a day. Whistle goes that's it. Don't tell me 18 times a week is not enough to give children an indication that things happen there and then.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 18:07

Sorry 15 times Blush

fivegolddeblooms · 28/12/2013 18:09

Fucking hell, there's only one 'prize bitch' in this scenario, and it's not you OP.

ilovesooty · 28/12/2013 18:11

Whatever slack parenting they've had at home they will have had to accept curfews at school so to say they don't understand them and they don't exist in their world is ridiculous. They're 10 and 8 not preschoolers. I don't see that the OP has done anything wrong at all. She also made her expectations clear before the parent went home.

Adeleh · 28/12/2013 18:13

She sounds horrible. Don't babysit for her again.

LookingThroughTheFog · 28/12/2013 18:16

But school is so different to home. Lots of things happen in school that don't happen at home. They have to line up at the door before going outside, for example. I don't make mine line up at home; they can go out and wait in the garden. I don't make them stand and say 'Good morning, Mummy,' when I enter the room as they do for teachers at school. They get to watch TV at home and to relax a bit.

Yes, perhaps it would be better if these children had been taught that they obey an adult's instruction every single time and without complaint or question or explanation. A jump and 'how high?' scenario. But they haven't been taught that, and that's not their fault.

Revengeofkarma · 28/12/2013 18:16

The other bit that's jumped out at me is the kids didn't learn after the first time. Late coming in? So no snack. But they KEPT ACTING BADLY. And then went home and bitched enough about it (you know, the children's hell that is a surprise movie and BK) that they got that stupid woman to phone you and bitch some more.

Just astounding. She's done it to herself. Those kids are going to have few friends if that's how they act at other people's houses.

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 18:17

Seriously Oblomov?? Children need multiple remi ders and copious reasons given? No they don't! It speaks volumes that these children and their mother all feel op was not only unjust but that it warranted mentioning after the lovely treats they were all given! Outrageous and incredibly ungrateful. They are spoilt brats. Tell your friend that this problem will never occur again because you will not be doing her any more favours. Well behaved children and considerate parents do not behave like that.

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