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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend, her DCs, and me 'punishing' them unfairly.

180 replies

youarewinning · 28/12/2013 13:00

Had my friends dcs (8&10) last night for the night as her and her DH had a child free family event. I'd booked cinema as a surprise.

She stayed for coffee when she dropped them off and kids went to park opposite to play on DS (9) remote control car he got for Christmas. I tell them to come in at 3pm as we're going out. Youngest tried to negotiate but I refused to engage and said 3pm please. Friend got a little defensive saying she always tells them 15 minutes earlier than she wants them in as it gives her negotiation room.

Anyway friend leaves and I get things ready for trip. DS comes in at 3pm and says the other 2 said they could stay out as it wasn't dark and their mum doesn't mind them being late.

DS is very upset (has SN and these things do upset him more than others) so I calmed him and gave him a snack. At about 3.20 I thought I ought to go and get the others as we needed to leave at 3.45. As I'm getting my shoes and coat on they come back. I ask them to go to toilet and get coats etc as we are leaving in 15 minutes. I also said to make themselves a drink. DS is finishing his snack at this time and youngest asks for one. I said no time now as late back but I had snacks for them. She gets in a strop and storms off. Tell other 2 to ignore her and get ready as we have to leave. Then finally persuade dc2 she won't drop dead of starvation in next half hour and we need to leave. By now it's nearly 4pm. Film starts at 4.15. Get to town at 4.10pm and park and then I tell them what surprise is. They were very excited. Grin DS asks if we can get sweets but I said too late now as running late but I had some chocolate and crisps and a drink each in my bag. Walking up stairs I hear dc2 start slagging me off to my DS. DS shouted at her so even if I'd not heard the whole cinema then knew about it!

I tell her not be so rude and she should have done as she was asked if she wanted things to be her way after.

I'm not a teller, or a rusher etc, more a natural consequences person. So just kept going on with plans treating all 3 dc equally.

We went to Burger King after and they all slept well. Friend collected them at 10.30am stayed for a coffee and left about 11.30.

She rang me about half an hour ago telling me both her DCs were distraught, why would I refuse them food and drink, I should have gone to find them to come in when they were late for the 'curfew'.

I just said they were not refused, they choose to ignore the curfew and therefore had no time for snack, they had food at the cinema, and a Burger King. I then said her youngest had been quite rude to me and about me.

She then said I 'knew' when she gives her girls a curfew it was always 15 minutes earlier than they actually needed to be in/ she wanted them in to allow for them to negotiate later and/ or be late. (What I've witnessed is the youngest arguing over everything times she's been given for most things and her mum agreeing to a different time). Therefore she feels I punished them unfairly.

I pointed out she was there when I reiterated they needed to be in at 3 and they chose to come in nearly half hour later and they were not punished.

So who is right here? I'm left feeling like a prize bitch but yet feeling there wasn't much else I could have done other than make us late for the film?

OP posts:
PointyChristmasFairyWand · 28/12/2013 14:12

YWNBU and if my DDs behaved like that at someone else's house I would not be moaning - I would be imposing serious consequences. Don't ever have them again.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 14:16

OMG - how rude. Both her and the children. Ungrateful shits all of them and I wouldn't be seeing anything of them at all in the future.

drivingmisslazy · 28/12/2013 14:19

I would agree and not have them again.

I had a problems with a friends child (now ex friend lol), he would come round, pick on his little sister and my dd, one time the girls were playing nicely in the garden he came out (he was 8 btw) and kept pinching both girls, I said he carries on he will go indoors, he picked up their dolls and threw them over next doors garden. I made him go in, and friend called later as son was hysterical as I was mean to him by not letting him play in the garden !!!!! Did not have them again and friend soon became ex.

lljkk · 28/12/2013 14:20

yanbu. The friend should have rung to say
"Wow! Thanks for having my kids overnight. You're a great friend, a real star. I get the impression they were a bit demanding, I'm ever so sorry about that. I owe you double for putting yourself out so much for them."

NB: My kids can be prats and I would have been mortified nonetheless if they had played you up.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 28/12/2013 14:20

I really don't see how not having time for pre-cinema snacks, when followed by snacks (at the cinema!) and Burger King, could possibly be a punishment, let alone an undeserved one.

BaconFrazzles · 28/12/2013 14:23

Urgh, I can't stand parents that negotiate all the time with their kids. It's a lame, half hearted way of parenting IMO.

OP, you weren't out of order at all. I'd be so furious with her and her children I'd probably drop her as a friend.

WooWooOwl · 28/12/2013 14:26

You are right, your so called friend is well out of line.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 14:27

Even though posters are pointing out different ways you could have handled the children it doesn't mean that what you did was wrong.

They're 8 and 10 fgs, more than old enough to comprehend that outside their own home the rest of the world operates in a different way. Barring any special circumstances we're unaware of they were rude and their mother was rude. Both were ungrateful. My mind is actually boggling that she was incensed enough to phone the OP to tell her so.

Don't mind them again OP.

zeeboo · 28/12/2013 14:30

Wow, no wonder they're appallingly behaved with a mother like that. You coped very well!

bochead · 28/12/2013 14:34

I'd just quietly take myself off her approved list of babysitters. Next time she wants you to look after her kids, don't go all out to treat them just be busy. I don't get the being unable to follow your instructions about when to come in from playing? - what happens at school Confused.

Do they have audio processing disorder or other special need? If they do, then you are in the wrong for not dealing with instructions as she requested so that the children could obey you. If they don't then she needs to address some stuff, or those kids could be in real danger if there is ever an emergency, (just thinking of how a roof blew off a building in my high street Xmas eve and how quickly the area had to be evacuated).

RockinAroundTheXmasTreeHippy · 28/12/2013 14:35

YWDNBU

Your house, your rules, they are more than old enough to understand that & were trying it on.

your friend is a cheeky ungrateful cow & her DCs have learnt bad manners from herHmm

Personally I would be telling her where to get off in no uncertain terms, you did her a huge favour & she feels she has a right to impose her slack & frankly unworkable, ridiculous parenting style on you & yours & is annoyed you didn't bow down Shock - tell her to swivelAngry

ilovesooty · 28/12/2013 14:45

I don't get the being unable to follow your instructions about when to come in from playing? - what happens at school

They probably think clear instructions don't apply to them there either. They sound like the sort of selfish ill disciplined children who spoil things for the vast majority - which is completely down to their mother's poor parenting. I can't nelieve anyone is defending NT 8 and 10 year olds not being capable of following instructions in different contexts.

I'd tell her that since your care of her children seemingly wasn't satisfactory to her you won't be repeating he favour. I hope she at least financed the treats for her children.

throckenholt · 28/12/2013 14:46

Your friend is being a prize arse.

In your place I would have gone and dragged them in at about 10 past 3 - and reminded them that you had asked them to be back for 3, and that is what you meant, because of plans for later in the day.

I would also have taken the youngest aside and quietly said that if she was going to be rude about you, then she would not be able to come and visit again.

And if friend doesn't like it - then tough cheese. You were doing her a big favour, and going to considerable expense. You don't need friends like that.

friday16 · 28/12/2013 15:04

No good turn goes unpunished, does it?

Valdeeves · 28/12/2013 15:39

I think you could have been a bit clearer to the kids so they understood what was going on - might have made them moan less.
But essentially their behaviour was poor - their mum needs to teach them to follow other people's rules. They go to school so they know how to do so.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2013 15:47

But what could be clearer than "be home by three" ?

LIZS · 28/12/2013 15:54

yanbu . Next time she asks a favour tell her NO.

NadiaWadia · 28/12/2013 16:02

Her DCs were 'distraught'. FGS!

Her kids were very rude. And she has just shown you where they get that from. I wouldn't bother again, OP.

RunRabbit · 28/12/2013 16:06

youarewinning Don't have them again, clearly the childs rudeness is modelled after the mother.

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 16:12

Me and all my friends have a rule of your house your rules. It doesn't matter what they get away with with their Mum. If they are in someone else's house they should follow those rules (within reason of course).

When I was a child I never would have dreamed of acting like them. Your friend needs to have a look at her own discipline techniques.

Revengeofkarma · 28/12/2013 16:14

I'm noticing your "friend" (and as others have said, she isn't) had sweet fuck all to say about how her kids inability to follow basic instructions upset yourchild who they knew (one presumes) to have special needs and requires routine and following directions?

She's going to quickly run out of friends and babysitters!

perlona · 28/12/2013 16:21

yanbu, if your friend insists on raising rude, ungrateful little brats then that's her problem, leave her to it, don't mind them again. I'd dump her as a friend because she's not one, she's raising her children to be what she is; rude, unappreciative, self absorbed, inconsiderate, don't waste your time trying to do anything nice for her again.

BlackDaisies · 28/12/2013 16:24

Her attitude would have infuriated me after all the effort you made to give her kids a good time while she was away for the night. You explained they needed to be back because you were going out. Very rude of them to ignore you, and then to moan because their lateness meant you couldn't buy a snack at the cinema (even though you'd prepared for this by bringing your own snack for them). I think their behaviour was very rude and disrespectful and their mum's behaviour in sticking up for them odd and equally rude. I wouldn't be looking after them again in a hurry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2013 16:36

Boy oh boy, that is some size of rod your friends has made for her back, OP. You were NBU. Not only do her children argue negotiate with her all the time, they can also manipulate her to tell YOU off. She's a halfwit.

IDontDoIroning · 28/12/2013 16:50

I wouldn't be doing her any favours again in a hurry. Not only did you babysit for her you took them to the cinema and fed them.
And the way she shows how grateful she is is to have a go at your parenting.
I would be mortified if my dc was rude to another adult who was looking after them and doing me a huge favour and I would be giving them a row for being rude and cheeky and getting them to apologise to you not ringing you and having a go at you for not having the same parenting rules as me.

As other posters have said how do they manage in school or with their friends parents? She's going to run out of baby sitters fast with this attitude.