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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about friend leaving her baby alone/?

187 replies

AwfulMaureen · 24/12/2013 00:15

Go easy...my friend is attending a big family Christmas in a restaurant near to her home....the house is 2 short streets away and she is planning on leaving her DS (10 months) in his cot when it's nap time and taking the monitor with her.

I gently said that I didn't think this a good idea for a variety of reasons....which I don't want to point out here as everyone is aware of them I am sure.

I suggested various alternatives...she was dismissive.

AIBU to think this is not the right thing to do? And AIBU to be worried about the baby?

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 24/12/2013 19:21

Ridiculous argument FraidyCat. You don't have to take a child in a car. You don't have to go to the pub. You do have to keep your chid with you or with an adult that is sensible. You do have to keep your child safe.

PansOnFire · 24/12/2013 19:34

FraidyCat, do you have children?

Well done OP, it can't have been easy to tell SIL but it's a good job you did. I hope your friend gets better soon. You're a good friend.

ThisIsMeNow · 24/12/2013 19:47

Well in that case fraidy, none of us should ever leave the house again.
You can call social services because I'm taking my baby to another house tomorrow involving a car journey. Hmm

Ffs.

PeriodFeatures · 24/12/2013 19:56

is it a tapas restaurant?

MissMarplesBloomers · 24/12/2013 20:10

OP- regardless of what your friend is going through, you have done her a favour in alerting her behaviour to the family. I hope she gets the help/support she needs.

I hate baby monitors with a passion because they lull parents into a false sense of security, so they stop checking their baby properly.

A monitor doesn't tell you if the baby is still breathing (unless its a sophisticated one) too hot , too cold, wrapped up in its blanket too tightly. It can be a useful tool in conjunction WITH regular visual checks but you have to get off your butt & LOOK at baby too!!

pegfin · 24/12/2013 21:13

Well done Op. a good sensitive intervention. Thanks

JesuslovesmethisIknow · 24/12/2013 21:40

well done OP xxx

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/12/2013 22:19

At least I hope that's why the law would interested - it would be extremely frightening if social workers/police/judges were as nutty about risk assessment as everyone here

We are rather less concerned with a nappy that goes unchanged for an hour than we are someone who does not take normal reasonable steps to protect there child.

I've lost count of the number of babies and toddlers over the years who have been in my case load and removed most not returned to birth parents because of being left unattended whist parents went out. Some as a result of police protection some after disclosure a whole fuck load who were reported by civic minded house burglars.

Op I'm so glad you spoke to someone who will help.

Perfectlypurple · 24/12/2013 22:38

Blimey. I can't believe she thought this would be ok. Glad you got it sorted op. She is lucky to have someone who cares.

Charlie97 · 24/12/2013 22:48

She is not well....... Help her

That's a very short message but it's how I feel, she's not coping.

Very sad Confused

Charlie97 · 24/12/2013 22:52

Sorry has not read the whole thread! Doh! Obviously SIL is on the case. Smile

AnandaTimeIn · 24/12/2013 23:29

Obviously SIL is on the case. smile

Yea, thank god SIL is on the case...

her brother (my friend's partner)

I got the idea she was a SP...

So what the fuck is he doing about it? Why does he think it's o.k. for her to go out and leave their DC alone?

Why doesn't he stay home? What's he doing to help support her with her PND?

What about her family? Most people when discussing Christmas plans also discuss obvious child care plans.

I can't believe her family are o.k. about this.

Cityofgold · 24/12/2013 23:39

For what is worth Fraidy I agree with you. Perhaps not nuts but definite hysteria. Fires and burglars and boogey men at every corner. People have totally lost the ability to assess risk and instead have unfortunately become adept at bad scenario bingo, each call becoming more tragic and yet unlikely than the one before. My favourite MN scenario is never leaving a child in the car in a petrol forecourt in case a pump explodes. Classic.

Salmotrutta · 24/12/2013 23:46

Wee bit different to leaving a baby in a house TWO STREETS AWAY from the restaurant don't you think City and Fraidy?

Jeez.

Rowingdowntheriver · 24/12/2013 23:52

I think you are just talking about likelihood city. Risk is a factor of both likelihood and consequence. In these cases the consequences could be so bad that even the tiniest likelihood of something happening just isn't worth taking the risk for.

TikkaTurkey · 24/12/2013 23:53

The baby is more likely to come to harm on any car trip than from being alone in a cot in a locked house for a couple of hours, yet no-one is suggesting it should be illegal to transport babies.

The above from fraidycat. Just have to say, what the actual hell are you on about?! Confused
How on earth is being in a car trip anyway comparable to abandoning your kids for a few hours to go to the pub/a restaurant?
One involves being in the car WITH your kids, the other involves leaving them by themselves!
Do you HAVE kids? If you have, how can you not see that it is just not the same scenario in any shape, way or form?!
You can't just leave them for a night out, baby monitor in hand or not! Hmm

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 24/12/2013 23:54

Civic minded burglars?! Wonders will never cease!

IneedAsockamnesty · 25/12/2013 09:41

Dancing, I have very fond memories of one who after breaking into a house and finding a 8 month old baby home alone not only phoning the police but actually waiting there until they arrived because he couldn't in all good conscience run away and leave the baby.

Ofcourse he did end up in prison,he knew he would and even that was not enough to make him leave someone else's baby alone.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 25/12/2013 10:38

fraidycat

Seriously?! Wow.

BrianTheMole · 25/12/2013 11:17

People have totally lost the ability to assess risk and instead have unfortunately become adept at bad scenario bingo, each call becoming more tragic and yet unlikely than the one before.

And if your risk assessment concludes that its ok to leave a baby at home and go for a meal two streets away, then your risk assessment skills are very poor. And one of the reasons why we need social services departments sadly.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 25/12/2013 11:37

OP well done! You are a good friend and found a workable, kind solution. Please pursue this and make sure your friend gets some help..

Re: risk assessment. I have a good friend who is a Cambridge graduate and a social worker (specialising in child protection). She used to leave her baby and toddler in hotel rooms on holidays whilst she and her DP went to restaurants several streets away (over 20 years ago, mind). I doubt it is that uncommon. I used to have rows with my DH as I refused to do the same and he thought I was health and safety gone mad when I insisted on babysitters. Still not sure who is right - it is indeed true that a baby in a cot in a house or hotel room for 2 hours is no more likely to come to any harm than one being passed around the pub. It is also true that in a big house, pre baby monitors, we couldn't hear the DC at night anyway if they cried/ coughed/ whatever so I guess it didn't make a big difference if we had been 2 streets away. But the fact is that leaving babies out of earshot for an hour or two, although standard only a generation ago, is no longer the socially accepted norm and so the conclusion, OP, is that your friend is struggling when she told you she was planning this.

EirikurNoromaour · 25/12/2013 11:42

It's about weighing the risk against the benefit. If you're at home and you get a phone call saying your other child has had an accident two streets away and you need to go to them - then in that case you might leave a sleeping baby for a short time for example. The benefit would be greater than the very small risk. But to go out for a meal? I can't see why the benefit would outweigh the small but genuine risk of a house fire, an intruder or similar.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull · 25/12/2013 11:57

I fucking hope Fraidy and City don't have kids Shock.

TeaOneSugar · 25/12/2013 12:44

I would be amazed that a paramedic would consider this for a second, i assume, like my DH she'll have attended SIDs, which usually makes them ultra fussy about monitors etc.

springysofa · 25/12/2013 13:26

What I would worry about in a situ like this is that she could cut you off because of your 'interference' - then who would be on hand to keep an eye on things?

I was in a similar position once, my friend had older kids, and before I said the unpalatable I had to make sure that enough people were in my friend's life (or the kids' lives) to keep an eye out. There were enough people around and I took the risk, having spoken to her other friends before I did. Predictably I was cut off, but at least I knew there were people around and she wasn't, or the kids weren't, going to be isolated.

I hope this goes well and that your friend gets some help. Well done for being a good friend OP.