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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about friend leaving her baby alone/?

187 replies

AwfulMaureen · 24/12/2013 00:15

Go easy...my friend is attending a big family Christmas in a restaurant near to her home....the house is 2 short streets away and she is planning on leaving her DS (10 months) in his cot when it's nap time and taking the monitor with her.

I gently said that I didn't think this a good idea for a variety of reasons....which I don't want to point out here as everyone is aware of them I am sure.

I suggested various alternatives...she was dismissive.

AIBU to think this is not the right thing to do? And AIBU to be worried about the baby?

OP posts:
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 24/12/2013 01:09

it worries me that she is this controlling about his nap to be honest.

would she for example, leave him in the car napping, whilst she did her BIG shop in the supermarket - with her monitor in her hand bag Hmm.

What other risks with him is she taking?

AwfulMaureen · 24/12/2013 01:10

God knows. Sad I suggested she try Homestart recently because the simplest things such as going to buy milk, turn into major issues for her...she can't seem to manage basic stuff....

OP posts:
Shnickyshnackers · 24/12/2013 01:11

Oh cripes, good on you for realising she needs help. Thats a true friend. Please keep us up to date.

wellieboots · 24/12/2013 01:13

how do you know she doesn't have puerpal psychosis OP? What are some of the the struggles she has had? it certainly sounds like severe pnd to me, she has no sense of reality. Poor thing. I can't believe her family would agree with what she's doing and haven't been getting her the help she needs.

SugarHut · 24/12/2013 01:14

I had monster problems with not wanting my DS. I would fantasise about time away from him. I would sit in of an evening thinking, I could just go out, he never wakes up. I would think about it all the time. I really wanted to get away.

And do you know why I never did...because I'm not a dick that would put a tiny baby's life in danger. Despite feeling like I had no connection with my child, the basic instinct of knowing right from wrong is overriding when it comes to the crunch.

She won't do it, I can virtually guarantee. I'm just trying to put myself back in that frame of mind when I felt like that, and thinking what I would be trying to achieve by telling someone I was going to do something so stupid.

hippo123 · 24/12/2013 01:15

She def needs help and is lucky to have you. Get her to a gp or her hv ASAP. Sounds like she needs someone to open up to and listen to her.

AwfulMaureen · 24/12/2013 01:16

Wellie well I don't know I suppose! I just thought it was all about hallucinations and would appear much more obvious to outsiders. She manages to pay the bills, go out occassionaly...buy food and clothes...have a laugh on the phone...normal really. I thought Puerpural Phychosis would make that all stop.

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 24/12/2013 01:17

sugar I do hope you're right.

OP posts:
SugarHut · 24/12/2013 01:20

I think my motive would have been to provoke an outrageous reaction, resulting in a big confrontation, to which I would then be able to literally shout and scream about what was wrong.

I think she's crying out for someone to say "what the fuck are you doing?" so she can get it all out without having to initiate the conversation.

LapsedPacifist · 24/12/2013 01:22

Sooo... she's going out for a 'big family Christmas' meal in a restaurant?

And all these other family members - they know she's had a baby, yes?

And none of them are going to ask themselves where is this baby?

Hmm
wellieboots · 24/12/2013 01:22

Sorry OP I realised that my last post sounds quite judgy. You are an amazing friend and doing your best to help. She may be crying out to you for help by saying this, especially if she hasn't been right for a while and her family are oblivious to the problem. Bless you and your friend and that little boy. This has made me quite upset as some of it reminds me of how I felt - I never would have dreamed of doing this, but I did have obsessions, control issues, was snappy, etc etc. Praying for you all.

puntasticusername · 24/12/2013 01:55

Oh.
My.
Goodness.

This is so very, very wrong.

Your friend - and especially her little boy - are lucky to have you looking out for them. Please keep us updated. I hope she is ok.

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 02:00

Even if the monitor did work that far away, and I doubt it will, what if the baby doesn't conveniently want to sleep at the time she's due for lunch? Confused

This sounds like a nightmare and I cannot believe she's even contemplating it.

SabraCadabra · 24/12/2013 02:02

She wouldnt be able to hear monitor in busy restaurant over christmas would she over the music talking etc.
Anything could happen to baby, what if she was burgled have a fire....scary.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/12/2013 02:08

This time of year is one of the riskiest for housefires (tree lights/fairy lights are the biggest offenders)
Might not be her house, could be her NDN house.

I don't think polite is the way if a baby's well being is at stake. Sad

pegfin · 24/12/2013 02:28

I was obsessed about my kids sleeping too. looking back I can see it wasn't entirely rational to puts much stress on it as I did but at the time i was just so desperate for time and sleep and to eat in peace.

And i didn't like people fussing the kids when they should be sleeping.

Could the meal not be moved until after nap time?
Although the buggy suggestion would have worked for me but only if i could wheel them in already asleep.

Does the father help out at all? Or is there not a family member who could say to her, look it is fine, if he frets i will take him for a stroll so you eat in peace.

Although i think she must be struggling. would not be surprised if she does about turn and says she was never thinking of t seriously....

But i think the way to.approach it might be...look to even have suggested this there must be something wrong. you are a good mum. But we all struggle sometimes. Do you think you could for with some help? Could a relative give you a break?

And only suggest drastic action if she is insistent.

RevoltInParadise · 24/12/2013 02:36

You are a good friend. I hope you, your friend and the baby are all ok.

ThisIsMeNow · 24/12/2013 02:36

Good luck tomorrow Maureen with talking to her.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 24/12/2013 02:48

The thing is, if you talk to her and she says ok she wont leave the baby. How are you going to know if she's telling the truth?

kali110 · 24/12/2013 03:12

You're a very good person op.
I feel so sorry for your friend. Shes obviously not thinking clearly and needs some help.

Spermysextowel · 24/12/2013 03:13

Google puerperal psychosis. It is not in any way just severe PND. Look at the signs, look at your friend & bear in mind that often the mother will harm themself & not the baby. It does seem a little late for the onset of this but my now deceased friend managed to fool the medical professionals for some time, particularly since she worked in a medical environment herself.

rumtumtugger · 24/12/2013 03:58

A feeling of doom while Breastfeeding could be d-mer, which is a hormonal condition documented on this site:

d-mer.org/Home_Page.html

perlona · 24/12/2013 04:09

I can't believe people are trying to diagnose her with puerperal psychosis, every time that a certain missing childs name comes up on these threads there is always a horde of people claiming it perfectly normal to leave babies and children unattended while going out to socialise, the chances are she's just one of those ridiculously selfish idiots, there is a disturbing number of them if mumsnet is anything to go by, it seems the done thing in certain circles.

It's disturbing how detached some people are to their babies and their needs, most are not mentally ill, just too self absorbed to care about anybody but themselves. She needs a kick up the arse, to understand how utterly selfish and neglectful she is being, how unacceptable her behaviour is and that it won't be tolerated. The threat of social workers swooping in to take the kid is enough for some parents to cop themselves on.

I hate how every time someone behaves abominably, the threads get taken over by people claiming, with no evidence, that it's mental illness (or aspergers, sn etc). Most crimes, including neglectful, shit parenting are committed by perfectly 'sane', neurotypical brained people, it's ridiculous to try to excuse the actions of self absorbed dickheads by claiming that they must be victims in some way, they must be crazy/sick/incapable....

Call social services, if she does it once, she'll do it again and again until something happens. If she genuinely has mental health problems they'll identify that and will help her, in the most likely event that she's a selfish tit, they'll scare her into being more careful with her child.

Parsnipcake · 24/12/2013 05:05

I am a foster carer and I get placements over Christmas in this scenario every year. She is being stupid and could have her child taken into care. Burglars are very social minded at Christmas in my experience.

Lavenderhoney · 24/12/2013 05:25

Has she said she has a baby sitter? And if she tells you she has, will you believe her? Because she can just tell you what you want to hear when you threaten to report and do it anyway.

If she knows the monitor works then she has done it before-and anyway, how does she know? Who would test it with her, knowing what's planned.

You've said your piece, if it was me I would report anyway. If someone knocks at the door, wakes up the baby and by some miracle she hears it and comes running back, it will be reported. Or will she bury the person knocking under the patio?

What a dilemma op:(

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