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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get completely pissed off by smug 'know all' parents?

130 replies

JRmumma · 23/12/2013 13:47

It might just be me, but I find it really irritating when people who have children when you don't, or have older children than you, talk to you as if they are the authority on being a parent, and know better than you, just because they did it first. It also has a tone of 'im better than you coz i have kids/ had kids before you did'.

My favorite example is when someone says 'you don't know what tired is until you have a child'. Really boils my piss. There are a plethora of reasons why someone might be tired in their life, not just because your baby wakes in the night or is high needs. Its this sort of attitude, that implies that all life experiences except child rearing are invalid, that i find so desperately infuriating.

Anyone else???

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 23/12/2013 13:49

Hmmm, well, I for one, had no idea what tiredness really was until I had a newborn Grin.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 23/12/2013 13:54

I can't think of many situations which would cause the grinding tiredness that a waking baby/child causes.

But yes, other parents can be quite patronising. Just tune them out. Take the advice you want to and ignore the rest. Most people mean well, it just doesn't always get across that way.

mumaa · 23/12/2013 13:54

Same, I feel like I didn't know what tiredness was until I had a newborn. What does annoy me though is blatant lies people come out with about parenting, i.e. When I am knackered, had 4 hours broken sleep per night for a week and a very grumpy, teething, cold filled, many DD to deal with 24 Hours per day and MIL says "mine ALWAYS slept"

Really? You had 2 children with a 3 year age gap and you NEVER had a sleepless night? No teething, no colds, no stomach bugs, OK then.

mumaa · 23/12/2013 13:55

Many = moany

DingDongUriGelleryOnHigh · 23/12/2013 13:55

I think you should stop letting it get on your tits.

ViviPru · 23/12/2013 13:59

I've Christmas on the brain. I thought your title was know all' presents' and that really piqued my interest!

But back to the correct topic, we don't have kids yet and I get this all the time. I am the youngest of 3 and DH is the 2nd youngest of 4 so we're up to our armpits in nieces and nephews and many of our friends have kids. While we may not know exactly what it's like, we are emotionally and mentally intelligent human beings and have empathy. Having been around babies and small children from a young age myself, I'm on occasion astounded by the greater knowledge and experience I have compared to some first time parents who have never been in contact with children. I never patronise them by pointing this out though.

all life experiences except child rearing are invalid

I don't think its fair to say that all parents do this to non-parents, but I certainly have friends who will say enormously insensitive things tantamount to the above, and actually worse than the above.

I find it irksome, but have over the years trained myself not to let it get to me. I think it's highly rude to belittle someone because their life/experience is different from yours be it child-related or otherwise. I run my own business but would never say to a wage slave employed person that they don't know what fulfilling work/true pressure/job satisfaction is until they're self-employed. Who am I to presume?

I don't think it's something exclusive to parents. Anyone who assumes superiority based on their own circumstances is really rather shortsighted.

MyBalletShoes · 23/12/2013 14:07

My bug bear is ' Oh, you've only got one though'.

So, I might have another DC but then it'll be, 'Oh yes but when you've got three...'

There's always someone with 'more experience' than you letting you know you're doing it wrong Wink

Just ignore ignore ignore Smile

usualsuspect · 23/12/2013 14:09

I think you should chill and have a Baileys.

VodkaJelly · 23/12/2013 14:12

I recently had DD (who is 11 months old) and I get loads of people at work giving me advice on parenting her, normally young women, who are being nice and well meaning but it does get on my wick.

When I gently point out that I also have an 18 Year Old son, (as well as 2 other teenage children) and remember it all well they do tend to shut up. But I feel mean in doing that as they are trying to help.

Trills · 23/12/2013 14:15

IS chilling and having a baileys the Christmas equivalent of Wine?

Musicaltheatremum · 23/12/2013 14:17

I remember as a junior doctor when we did 80-100 hour weeks and longing to go back to that when I had my children as even on the worst rotas I had 2 nights off out of 3 to sleep but with children it was every night.

usualsuspect · 23/12/2013 14:17

Yes,Trills. Xmas Grin

Wine
vestandknickers · 23/12/2013 14:19

You need to chill out and ignore! I must agree though that the tiredness you experience with a newborn baby is unlike any other tiredness. Sorry, just saying!

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 14:19

Re the sleep thing, im sure that for the people who say so, that its the most tired THEY have been in THEIR lives, but its the refusal to accept that it may be different for other people that annoys me really. If you refuse to accept that it might not be the most tired someone else may ever be then you are one of those parents im talking about!

Yes and also once you have the child and so you do 'know' its on to the next thing i.e. Wait till they are x age, that's when the fun starts.

Oh shut UP!!!!

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 23/12/2013 14:33

I agree with you mostly, but unless you've had very unusual life experiences, having DCs is likely to be the things that blows your sleep to smithereens

gertrudetrain · 23/12/2013 14:33

It's the people who kind of go on at you when you are obviously having a bad day that get to me.

I have just stupidly taken my 'lively' 3dc's to Saintsbury's (they always seems to have a certain type of shopper) and when my 2 year old was running off and knocking stuff over I got 4 'it only gets worse you know.'

Felt like replying 'well fucking shoot me now then.' It can't get worse. It just can't. This has to be the hardest bit when they don't have fully formed brains.

NewtRipley · 23/12/2013 14:33

thing, not things

NewtRipley · 23/12/2013 14:34

I hate the PFB thing on MN. Really condescending. Tends to be the sort of people who say "get a grip" as well

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 23/12/2013 14:43

I have to say that I didn't suffer too much with the extreme tiredness with DS1, mostly because I co-slept with him and he was pretty good at sleeping at night (shit during the day mind!) AND because I used to do overnight on-call work, sometimes that would last all night after being at work all day beforehand. Going without sleep for 36h, sometimes, was pretty severe - but at least it was only once a week.

But - with DS2, I am a lot more tired (older, more difficult baby) and yes, it's the constant unremitting lack of sleep that is more wearing. No it's not the tiredest I've ever been on a one-off basis, but it IS the tiredest I have been for a continuous period of time.

Of course if you have some kind of illness or condition that only allows you the occasional half hour of sleep between wakings every night, then you probably DO know what people are on about; but if not, then YABU if you are not a parent yet (yes, put me down as a smugger if you must) because you really don't know how unrelenting it can be yet; and if you ARE a parent and have just got an easy baby then be very thankful!

As for the comparative remarks about children, that's just schadenfreude talking on other people's part. It can be very annoying because yes, it assumes that all children follow the same pattern, which of course they don't (as I am finding out with DS2!)

ThurlHoHoHow · 23/12/2013 14:47

We were lucky but I'm certain people with some illnesses will have been far more knackered than we were. Being a parent doesn't mean you're the only one who is tired.

I used to hate the mums who would day things like "oh, you'll never leave the house quickly again." Er, it's not that hard...

float62 · 23/12/2013 14:58

I know what you mean a bit OP, before ds I'd do night lambing (on top of all the other work, stuff, etc) for weeks on end. It set me up grand for when I had a baby.

imissredwine · 23/12/2013 15:57

People love a bit of competition!
I found coping with a newborn overwhelming and exhausting. Now no. 2 is here it's the daytime that's harder but nowhere near the massive lifestyle change and upheaval the first brings. And don't think I'm bragging or being competitive. .. I'm nit a natural at this mum stuff.
Grow a thick skin and fuck em all off. Do stuff your own way. I can almost guarantee it's the right way

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 16:07

Thumb yes i am a parent and maybe i do have an 'easy baby' but that's just conjecture on your part and exactly what im on about. Everyone is different (not just babies) and adapt or cope with things differently. You've admitted that dc1 didn't make you the most tired you have ever been!

I must admit though that the sleep comment came from a bloke who never helped his wife with night times so it annoyed me all the more.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/12/2013 16:21

What you have to remember is that when their children were small, they got all the patronising advice from their friends and relatives - and now it is their turn to hand it on.

Just look forward to the time when your children are older, and you can know it all, and smile condescendingly at your friends who are childless or whose baby is still tiny.

ShinyBlackNose · 23/12/2013 16:29

I sympathise with you, op.

When I had new DC a number of acquaintances I would bump into would give a faux sympathetic smiles and comment on how hard it was to have a new baby. I'm certain they wanted me to be finding it hard. It was hard but in very many ways I found it a lot easier than I expected. The smiles faltered when I said so.

I also hate the condescending PFB, 'I take it you only have one?', type comments as though having more children makes people experts. Maybe they have got four, but maybe that just means they haven't been great parents four times over?