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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get completely pissed off by smug 'know all' parents?

130 replies

JRmumma · 23/12/2013 13:47

It might just be me, but I find it really irritating when people who have children when you don't, or have older children than you, talk to you as if they are the authority on being a parent, and know better than you, just because they did it first. It also has a tone of 'im better than you coz i have kids/ had kids before you did'.

My favorite example is when someone says 'you don't know what tired is until you have a child'. Really boils my piss. There are a plethora of reasons why someone might be tired in their life, not just because your baby wakes in the night or is high needs. Its this sort of attitude, that implies that all life experiences except child rearing are invalid, that i find so desperately infuriating.

Anyone else???

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 23/12/2013 16:36

I am not a smug competitive 'know it all' parent but it does 'boil my piss' when some of the people who I work with rock up , half-cut and completely useless moaning they are 'tired' because they've been out all night on the lash.
I become a steaming ball of resentment when I ache from head to toe, am having to do my job PLUS theirs and had no sleep due to being woke every hour for feeding - it's a different kind of tired and it's tantamount to torture in my books Grin , so in my darkest not proud moment I may utter those twatty words.
Then I remember all the times I used stay out late, go to work useless and the disapproving glares of my older colleagues with the bags under their eyes and children - karma and all that Blush

CombineBananaFister · 23/12/2013 16:38

So YANBU but it might not be because thy think they're an authority on stuff, just bitter, tired and jealous Smile

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 16:39

Shiney, when i was about 30wks pg i bumped into an old school acquaintance who pointed at my bump and said 'good luck with that' with a snigger. I later found out that she had recently separated from her husband and was struggling with her child. Still no reason for such an obnoxious comment though. Not quite the same thing but still smug and know all.

OP posts:
Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 16:43

combine as long as you don't go on about it to them ALL THE TIME and about everything then ill let you off Grin.

OP posts:
SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 23/12/2013 16:48

DH has cystic fibrosis, and at times it is dreadfully tiring and draining - working a 12hr day then driving to hospital for a few hours before driving home at 11pm and back to work for 6am, only to repeat the cycle again for the next few weeks, or getting up every few hours to either check his breathing / oxygen levels or administer meds is pretty tiring too.

But obviously nothing compared to the tiredness felt when you have a baby, as many family and friends tell me oh so often.

NurseRoscoe · 23/12/2013 16:51

I have severe anxiety and have done 12 hour night shifts before.

I knew what tiredness was before my brilliant sleeping children were born

NurseRoscoe · 23/12/2013 16:51

oh, YANBU

TinselinaBumSquash · 23/12/2013 16:52

Sheldon my eldest son has CF, it's flipping draining like nothing else, especially getting up to do the IV, physio, etc etc. I have nothing valid to add to the thread, I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and Thanks and Brew.

snowed · 23/12/2013 16:52

YANBU

TheBigJessie · 23/12/2013 16:57

gertrudetrain I have just stupidly taken my 'lively' 3dc's to Saintsbury's (they always seems to have a certain type of shopper) and when my 2 year old was running off and knocking stuff over I got 4 'it only gets worse you know.'

I always tell exhausted looking women with younger children than mine that life gets better.

PenelopePipPop · 23/12/2013 17:06

Hmmm. Anyone daft enough to infer universals from parenting an individual is annoying so YANBU. And saying negative things to parents of very small children is incredibly crass so on that front YADNBU.

BUT on the sleep front my own DD did not sleep more than 2 hrs consecutively until she was 1, and I had encephalitis when she was 8m and subsequently developed very severe epilepsy which is triggered by sleep deprivation, so when fucking healthcare professionals who did not have children told me they knew how hard it was because they worked 12 hours shifts overnight I did want to grab them by the throat and say NO YOU REALLY FUCKING DO NOT.

I'm not saying parenting is the only valid life experience, but parenting a baby whilst recovering from serious illness is unique. Likewise the unimaginable stress of caring for a seriously sick child (which I am grateful not to have done, but am witnessing some amazing friends do right now). And any fucker who thinks they know what it is like from working long hours overnight is a halfwit.

NiceTabard · 23/12/2013 17:07

TheBigJessie so do I!

I think that having young DC was the tiredest I've ever been, it's because it goes on for months I think and as a person I don't respond well to lack of sleep, and am sure that is why I developed really severe anxiety & depression which is much better now that they are bigger and usually sleep through. When I have a couple of "bad" nights my anxiety does start kicking off a bit again.

gertrudetrain · 23/12/2013 17:09

Ah Thanks bigjessie.

HavantGuard · 23/12/2013 17:10

It comes across as smug but I honestly can't think of another situation where you have to run on 5 hours maximum of very broken sleep for 2 years and counting (BIL and SIL)

roweeena · 23/12/2013 17:18

I find people who have just had a baby and think they have cracked it or reinvented the wheel more bloody smug and irritating - roll on the toddler/ teenage years for them!

Someone on mumsnet wisely said once - never ever pass advice or judgement on someone who has an older child, very wise!

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 17:25

Havant you obviously haven't read Sheldon's post above then.

Sheldon if anyone tells you you have no idea, please slap them round the face.

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Bowlersarm · 23/12/2013 17:28

I hope I don't know you in RL OP. You sound like a right misery. Maybe people are chatting, trying to be helpful, passing the time of day with you etc whilst you're thinking the worst and snarling at them.

HavantGuard · 23/12/2013 17:29

I hadn't read Sheldon's post. Illness/being a carer is the exception. As I should have remembered, because I've seen the impact it has on people in my own family and posts on here. Apologies.

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 17:31

Roweena I'm sure smug new parents eventually all find put for themselves, its the parents of older children who think they know it all about someone elses younger child who need putting straight!

Just to point out though, its not exclusively the sleep thing though, its also the 'why aren't you weaning at 4 months', or telling a mother 'i think he/she is hungry' EVERYTIME their baby makes a sound, when most mothers are quite capable of working that out for themselves thankyou very much!

OP posts:
MrsMook · 23/12/2013 17:42

I'm currently fending off potty training advice from a relative who hasn't done it in 30+ years. He may have just had his 3rd birthday, but I am not attempting it seriously until he is prepared to communicate that he needs the loo as the only effect will be soiled clothes and furnishings. I am happy to bide my time...

Give me a choice between new baby sleep and pregnancy "sleep"/ insomnia and I'll go for the baby. Getting 2-3hr blocks of sleep at a time and not having to manually and painfully heave my body over hourly is bliss. At least I can get some serious zzz s in between feeds.

An extension of smug parenting is the sharing of soppy FB forwards about "gentle parenting" and other martyrish or saccharine parenting tips. Bork.

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 23/12/2013 17:44

Thanks everyone x

It truly is knackering at times. The last few weeks have been draining as I've been stupidly busy at work, 12hrs every day and it's been both physically and mentally tiring. DH has had a real blip and his health has been really poor so doing physio every few hours, meds etc. Then he's started randomly passing out after coughing hard, more prevalently during the night. I think I last had a full nights sleep over a year ago!! I know its hard for new parents, but it just annoys me that sometimes they want some sort of monopoly on tiredness!

However, for all my moaning (sorry!!) I've sort of adapted to it so it's not a hardship as such, if that makes sense!!

bigbuttons · 23/12/2013 17:44

I've got 6 and I NEVER give advice.

persimmon · 23/12/2013 17:47

I agree to some extent but there really is no soul-tiredness like caring for a frequently waking baby for weeks on end.

What annoys me is people who have more than 1 child (I have an only), all of whom are younger than mine, who try to lecture me about parenting because obviously if they have more than one child then they are more of a parent.. Hmm

chiquitaloca · 23/12/2013 18:03

I used to work 50 hours a week minimum, went to uni after work (nights only) then cooked every day (at night), but that was nothing compared to be recovering from a EMCS and taking care of a baby.

But, yes I agree with you, tired is still tired.

wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 18:09

Yanbu.

I hated the pregnancy comments. People put the fear of god into me!

Then you get people trying to tell you what you should do. Like... give them sugar water. Sugar water...no!
Smack their hand...no!

I never tell people what i think they should do with their child. Unless they ask for advise. In which case id gave suggestions.

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