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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get completely pissed off by smug 'know all' parents?

130 replies

JRmumma · 23/12/2013 13:47

It might just be me, but I find it really irritating when people who have children when you don't, or have older children than you, talk to you as if they are the authority on being a parent, and know better than you, just because they did it first. It also has a tone of 'im better than you coz i have kids/ had kids before you did'.

My favorite example is when someone says 'you don't know what tired is until you have a child'. Really boils my piss. There are a plethora of reasons why someone might be tired in their life, not just because your baby wakes in the night or is high needs. Its this sort of attitude, that implies that all life experiences except child rearing are invalid, that i find so desperately infuriating.

Anyone else???

OP posts:
Twattyzombiebollocks · 23/12/2013 19:11

I think unless you are a chronic insomniac or you work 36 hour shifts, you really don't know what tired is until you have a baby. My dd has been waking 6/7 times a night for the past 5 months, and most nights she has a 1-2 hour spell where she won't settle at all, and I can tell you I'm pretty damn knackered just now. A 3 hour solid stretch is a good night for me.

mrsjay · 23/12/2013 19:14

most people just speak from experience and think they are just chatting MEh i think people who are so smug they dont want to talk to other parents about experience makes them look a bit of a knob tbh

loveolives · 23/12/2013 19:29

YANBU. We have 2 children and we will not be having any more, however those people with 3+ always say to me 'Ah sweetheart that's what we said' . I want to punch them.

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 19:38

I know loveolives, we only have 1 and not planning anymore right now. I hate the presumptuous 'you will change your mind' shit, as if they know your mind better than you.

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Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 19:41

I don't mind people talking about their experience mrsjay, just telling me what mine is/will be.

Especially as all of the projected experiences im having/will have are usually negative.

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AngryFeet · 23/12/2013 19:45

I also find non parents patronising when they think theyknow exactly how to raise/discipline children and like to go on about it to you when they have no idea. Goes both ways you know ;)

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2013 20:02

"I think unless you are a chronic insomniac or you work 36 hour shifts"

Its statements like this that are the ones that piss me off, made from the assumption that you don't work weird shifts, or have no health issues.

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 20:04

Yeah there is that too angry. I have a friend who constantly criticises her DB and SIL's parenting and although she has no children, is adamant she knows better.

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Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 20:09

boney - YES! Also if you aren't on your arse, have managed to have a shower AND leave the house then you must have an easy baby and so are one of the lucky ones. Never just a bit more organised/coping better than another new parent.

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catellington · 23/12/2013 20:16

I hated all those negative comments too...so much so I decided not to have any dc. Dd was a surprise and how wonderful it is now. My life is so much better. Everything is relative, yes it is tiring having children but nobody knows how it will be for another person. For me the immense pressure of my ridiculous long hours stressful job was far harder than even the newborn days.

catellington · 23/12/2013 20:19

And yes I now get the comments from the same people who told me how I would be more tired than I'd ever been (I wasn't) isolated (never) wouldn't have time to start my business ( I did) that 'just you wait until you hav another ....

Flibbedyjibbet · 23/12/2013 20:25

I'm going to be a Christmas twat but I don't care.

I don't have a condition like ME so don't understand that tiredness (personal experience is key here) however I have had 1 month of halfway decent sleep in over 4 years. I am constantly knackered and look like shit.

And yes said in a non condescending manner it is even worse with 2. When it was just the one I could occasionally grab a nap when she did. That will never ever ever happen again plus DD1 NEVER stops talking at me so my poor frazzled brain doesn't even get 5 mins.

Neither of them sleep through the night both end up in our bed, snoring, kicking, wriggling.

Rather than be annoyed by us please show us some sympathy and make us a coffee.

Disclaimer; I do love my children.

FishfingersAreOK · 23/12/2013 20:32

YABU to be really pissed off. Just think "meh" at their comments. They are either trying to sympathise (which they have clearly mi-judged/ misjudged their audience) or trying some weird game of one-upmanship.

If you don't want their sympathy then just gently ignore it.
If you don''t like their one-up-manship don't bother to get pissed off. Just ignore it.

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 20:35

flib ill make you a coffee as long as you don't tell me how it will be for me!

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Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 20:38

fish if it was just passing comments then id just ignore, but its the hour long lecture that im supposed to nod along and agree with that i cant deal with.

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FishfingersAreOK · 23/12/2013 20:58

You sound really angry at anyone who would even mention anything about parenting. Maybe you need to change who you talk too. Or your reaction to it.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that once you have children other people will talk to you about your children. They think you will want to talk about them. If that other person also has children they may also want to share experiences with you. Especially if they are not sure what else to talk to you about.

It happens to a lot of parents. And you are on a parenting forum. So I am guessing you have some interest in discussing some parenting issues.

So I still think you are BU to get so pissed off. Seriously. Drop the people who make you so angry. Or work out how to change the subject. Or just agree that their point is interested/an accepted approach to kill the conversation. Or learn to think "meh". Unless you want to spend your life "completely pissed off" all the time. Parenting talk will continue, just as house price talk will continue, discussion of schools, discussion of current affairs.

katherinelilyflower · 23/12/2013 21:09

DD is 12 months old and the product of expensive, invasive and soul destroying (at times) fertility treatment.

I personally didn't mind, at all, friends with babies saying 'ooh, i didn't know what tiredness was before ...'

I did mind, 'you don't know what tired feels like.'

I minded the latter because it set me apart, because of the air of exclusivity about it and the assumption of knowing what I thought and felt. I rarely did feel tired because I am lucky enough to work regular shifts and be a good sleeper.

But then I never claimed to know what tired felt like, so please don't set childless people up.

Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 21:10

Not really fish, ive been quite clear than what annoys me is when people think they know better/how it will be for me. Talk away about parenting, ask me for advice, give me advice whatever, but don't tell me you know better than me just because your children are older than mine.

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Original poster
JRmumma · 23/12/2013 21:11

Yes katherine you've just said it much better than me!

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catellington · 23/12/2013 21:18

Katherine I am with you!

Dwerf · 23/12/2013 21:23

Flibbedyjibbet I hear you, neither dd2 nor dd3 slept through until they were at nursery. Quite often Dd2 would be up until way past midnight, dd3 would be up in the night and I'd have to be up and smiling to take the older two to school. Knackered? I was broken.

FishfingersAreOK · 23/12/2013 21:25

So deal better with how you react to those people. "Meh"..

katherinelilyflower · 23/12/2013 21:31

Dwerf, I understand that, I really do.

I do not and did not understand people who told me that and added that I had no idea how they felt, when I had not claimed to and had the statement merely been left as it was, my only response would have been sympathy not competition.

The problem is that telling some of us we don't know what it's like is more painful than some can possibly imagine.

Layl77 · 23/12/2013 21:40

You actually have never felt tiredness like newborn baby, post-birth adrenaline ran out, breastfeeding all day tiredness.
But yes it is noting and people forget their kids and make crap up about how they slept through from 3 days old and potty trained at 9months.

ChineseFireball · 23/12/2013 21:45

I agree with Fish that YABU in getting quite so riled up about it. If they are smug and annoying they are likely less than important in your life. So it doesn't really matter what they think, does it?

Whatever you do there is going to be someone who thinks their way is better than yours. I get that it isn't nice to have someone criticise you when you're doing the best job you can, but don't spend your life getting wound up about stuff that in the grand scheme of things aren't that big a deal.

Be miffed, by all means, and hope like mad that the next time they go out they don't notice their skirt is tucked in their knickers or some such karma-esque "revenge" but don't waste your energy getting hugely pissed off.