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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Space Invader! Was I unreasonable and over reacting?

294 replies

LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 11:53

Just really irritated and I understand that I probably may have been unreasonable and maybe I did over react. So please tell me if I was.

Currently 38+3 with our first. I am fed up, irritable, tired and just want our DD here. I normally go to the same connivance supermarket chain (one of the small shops) mid week if we need anything.

The last four/five times I have been, one of the female employees has taken it upon herself to rub my tummy whilst saying "ohhhh you are nearly there love". Angry. She comes from nowhere so every single time its been totally unexpected. Well, I snapped this time and in front of everyone by the tiles (t was busy) said "will you stop touching me. I am not public property and to be frank I am sick to the back teeth of you touching me every time I come here. Are you normally this much of a space invader. It's rude". She went bright red and wondered off looking very embarrassed.

Was I unreasonable embarrassing her in front of so many people? I wonder if everyone that saw thought I was over reacting and a bit irrational.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 21:02

I dont engage with the staff in there. I go in, get what I need, self check out and off I go. Other than this particular member of staff I can't remember last time I engaged with a member of staff there. On that basis not sure why it would be uncomfortable but I will find out next time.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 21:06

Are you worried that you might have upset her?

I imagine not.
But if you were I suspect she will smooth it all out in her mind quite soon and with a bit f internalisation and rationalising she'll be over it.

MudCity · 22/12/2013 21:06

How can anybody compare bump-touching to sexually motivated physical harassment? How!

I agree with DamnBamboo on this.

Intent is everything here and the assistant was trying to be chatty and friendly...she didn't realise it might be viewed as inappropriate.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:07

I think most people would object to having their bum pinched and if in a workplace scenario you reported it to HR, they would certainly ask if you had ask the 'bum-pincher' to stop. The onus is on the victim to make it clear in no uncertain terms that it is unwanted - you need to have made it clear that it is unwelcome!

Not saying it's right, but that's how it generally is.

Mimishimi · 22/12/2013 21:08

YABU not to say anything prior to snapping at her and publicly embarrassing her. Could you not have politely asked her not to do it the first or second time she did it. I hope you don't expect the store staff to coo over your baby once it does come or give you favours (like asking you to come ahead in the line) because they almost certainly won't now. You can be sure she will tell every other staff member.

Coldlightofday · 22/12/2013 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2013 21:11

You know, the thing that irritates me about mumsnet is their are so many people on here accepting bad behaviour and letting people walk all over them.

I would rather see more people acting like this than having their boundaries trampled all over. I also don't think if you've accepted someone disrespectful to you once, you've given permission for it to continue.

Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 21:12

The onus is on the victim to make it clear in no uncertain terms that it is unwanted - you need to have made it clear that it is unwelcome!

Really? Slightly off the subject but just curious do you apply this logic across the board?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:13

Not all offensive behaviour is sexual harassment though is it and it should be clear to the harasser, that what they're doing is unwelcome.

Some women might actually like their hot colleague rubbing up closely or playing with their hair, or at the very least, may not be offended by it.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:14

I have said little that I'm not saying it's right - I'm telling you how it is in many workplaces.

Coldlightofday · 22/12/2013 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:15

And what do you mean by across the board? If someone touched my arse, they'd be told in no uncertain terms to stop and if it was happening to a colleague, if you can't tell the person to stop, HR will step in and do it for you!

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2013 21:16

I think most people would object to having their bum pinched and if in a workplace scenario you reported it to HR, they would certainly ask if you had ask the 'bum-pincher' to stop. The onus is on the victim to make it clear in no uncertain terms that it is unwanted - you need to have made it clear that it is unwelcome!

Bloody hell.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2013 21:16

But nobody has accepted the "bad behaviour"-or suggested the OP should. Anywhere. In fact everyone agrees it was not acceptable and she should have been told. The first time rather than the 5th.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:17

of course it's not, but if you don't like it - you need to tell someone to stop, or get someone to tell them for you.

If it was something more serious, no doubt it would escalate faster and in an entirely different way.

I've seen colleagues complain about unwanted touching by a guy we worked with (he was told to stop by HR) and one guy who was cautioned for harassment.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:18

Yes, bloody hell chased I know - the law is an ass sometimes.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:19

ANYWAY, this is not about bum-pinching is it, and it's ludicrous to draw the comparison in this situation, it really is.

Coldlightofday · 22/12/2013 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coldlightofday · 22/12/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 21:23

It was quite a sustained telling off though wasn't it? Grin
I mean, just saying "get off, I don't want you touching me" would have been more than enough I would have thought.
I might have to hide this now as I can't stop cringing. Sorry.
But maybe I just have a low tolerance for that kind of thing.
Ah well, all done now.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:23

Why would that make it ok for it to continue. Of course it doesn't - who on earth would think it would?

I am not stating my opinions BTW, I am telling you how it is in many workplaces.

This is not area of expertise, although you would have to tell someone at some time, otherwise unless it was being done overtly, how would anyone know, how would you or anybody ever stop it.

Regardless, It's got NOTHING to do with this thread anyway.

Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 21:23

Regardless of my situation I really do not agree with the principle that "the onus is on a victim to make it clear in no uncertain terms they don't want the attention (whatever that may be)".

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:24

ARe you being purposesly obtuse cold

One is sexually motivated - the other is not.

Both unwanted granted, someone pulling my hair would also be unwanted! Is that like bum-punching too?

Coldlightofday · 22/12/2013 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 21:27

Here you are.
Have a read, not sure how up to date it is.

www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment