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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Space Invader! Was I unreasonable and over reacting?

294 replies

LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 11:53

Just really irritated and I understand that I probably may have been unreasonable and maybe I did over react. So please tell me if I was.

Currently 38+3 with our first. I am fed up, irritable, tired and just want our DD here. I normally go to the same connivance supermarket chain (one of the small shops) mid week if we need anything.

The last four/five times I have been, one of the female employees has taken it upon herself to rub my tummy whilst saying "ohhhh you are nearly there love". Angry. She comes from nowhere so every single time its been totally unexpected. Well, I snapped this time and in front of everyone by the tiles (t was busy) said "will you stop touching me. I am not public property and to be frank I am sick to the back teeth of you touching me every time I come here. Are you normally this much of a space invader. It's rude". She went bright red and wondered off looking very embarrassed.

Was I unreasonable embarrassing her in front of so many people? I wonder if everyone that saw thought I was over reacting and a bit irrational.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 22/12/2013 12:26

You're not going to apologise though, are you? The point is, you created this annoyance yourself by letting her do it several times and making her think it was okay. This really isn't that lady's fault.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2013 12:28

Personally I think you were far too rude and insulting, especially in front of so many people -she must have been absolutely mortified! A short "please don't do that" would have been enough. I completely understand not wanting to be touched, but you had not said anything previously so she probably thought you were fine with it and that it was a kind, friendly thing to do! You made a huge deal out of something that could have been handled with no nastiness or embarrassment and hasn't left some poor girl feeling like shite and probably scared she is going to be complained about. So YANBU about being touched, but you were VUwith your reaction.

MissFenella · 22/12/2013 12:28

Your body is yours and you get to decide who touches it, being pregnant makes no difference. It is no different that someone groping your breasts or bum. It's assault.
The only one needing to apologise is the stranger who gropes you. I certainly do not a agree you need to be polite or give an explanation - the very thought is most bizarre.

TheMaw · 22/12/2013 12:29

You should still apologise.

RalphRecklessCardew · 22/12/2013 12:30

Definitely NBU. Being pregnant doesn't make you public property. Thank you for doing this, it might stop other people from mauling.

Pancakeflipper · 22/12/2013 12:34

I actually feel sorry for the woman, because you hadn't said anything before she probably you didn't mind her interest. She was probably looking forward to baby's arrival and would have been cooing over the baby.

To say something is fine IMO but to be humiliated in front of everybody - well seems a bit OTT to me and sad.

To me this annoying but minor in what happens in life when pregnant /have children. Not something to press my buttons.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 22/12/2013 12:36

Going from silence to an outburst like that was unreasonable.
If you dont like something then say so . Politely. Assertively. First time.
If they dont respect that then its time to become more harsh.

What you did was akin to having an employee and saying nothing while they stack things the wrong way over and over again and then one day screaming in their face that theyre doing it wrong and firing them on the spot!

People 'shouldnt' do a lot of things that they do. Its up to us to open our gob the first time and make our boundaries clear.

dreamofwhitehorses · 22/12/2013 12:42

This is one of those things where people who have spent far to much time reading the frothing on mumsnet (where touching someone is now an assault) then take the mad attitudes out into the real world and and end up abusing some poor friendly woman in public for the crime of annoying you a little bit.
In real life people just say, please don't do that now, it's all getting a bit much, or just see that the woman's heart was in the right place so excuse her from being annoying, and forget about it the second after it's happened. On mumsnet they'll wind it all up until you probably should have reported her to the police.

I'm sure you'll get lots of support here that your behaviour was perfectly reasonable, but message from the real world, it wasn't.

AutumnStarOfWonder · 22/12/2013 12:45

The poor woman. I feel really sorry for her. She probably thought she was being nice and some people are more tactile than others.

As for people saying it's an 'assault', are you serious? It's ill advised but hardly malicious.

I really think you should apologise, OP.

AutumnStarOfWonder · 22/12/2013 12:47

X posted with dream. But yes, exactly what she said.

Gruntfuttock · 22/12/2013 12:49

Well said dreamofwhitehorses, I agree with every word of that.

Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 12:50

I am just heading out but will review all posts when we return.

However like I said before I recognise that I should have said something the first time and next time I will. Also I recognise that I should have not have been do forth right and I should have been more diplomatic however I wont appologise for telling her to stop touching me. I agree with the person that said its the same as a random stranger grabbing your butt or breast. It's not on.

I would never dream of touching someone's pregnant belly that I know never mind a strangers. I don't get why anyone would think its alright. I honestly don't get it.

OP posts:
kali110 · 22/12/2013 12:52

Yes ywbu. Yes the people in the shop probably do think you were being irritational. Dont worry i dont think this woman will ever come near you again!

Pancakeflipper · 22/12/2013 12:53

Well why ask if you are being unreasonable then ?

TheMaw · 22/12/2013 12:55

Nobody has said that you should put up with being touched. It's your horrible attitude and rudeness to the woman that people are questioning. The point about assualt is so fucking stupid that I was going to ignore it, but since you ra using it as a justification for your behaviour then I won't:

You were not sexually assaulted by this woman. That is the difference between her rubbing your numb and trying (and failing) to be friendly, and groping your bum or boobs.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2013 12:57

You weren't forthright, you were rude and mean. Maybe if you stop trying to pretend it was being forthright, you'd see just how you behaved.

No one is saying you shouldn't have asked her to stop touching you, but the way you did it was spiteful and humiliating. Although considering your refusal to apologise, I'm not actually surprised this worked out the way it did.

I think if you're still unwilling to say sorry, you need to avoid this shop, the poor lady doesn't need to be embarrassed by your behaviour again.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2013 13:01

Lets be fair to the poor girl though-its NOT universally seen as the same as touching your bum or boobs, however much you feel it is. Most people do not see it that way, thus her feeling it was an okay thing to do. Nobody is saying you should be touched if you don't want too-of course you shouldn't! However your reaction was completely OTT and I imagine the onlookers were cringing at your nastiness.

Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 13:08

I have admitted that I can see I was unreasonable for not telling her first time to stop and a bit irrational for it not been more deplomatic. I would never have asked the question had I thought I was been totally reasonable.

I do think though she does need to considered her actions next time she chooses to touch a stranger. I still don't get why it's alright for someone to touch strangers (pregnant or not).

OP posts:
TwoPeasOnePod · 22/12/2013 13:13

I certainly didn't apologise to the woman who touched newborn DC. She had brown stuff under her fingernails. My quick judgement was to tell her not to touch. Different (brown fingernailed) strokes for different folks I guess..

TheMaw · 22/12/2013 13:14

Read the thread. Nobody is saying it's ok to touch strangers. It's your reaction, the way YOU handled it that people are discussing.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2013 13:15

It's NOT acceptable. I don't think anyone has said it is. It was your reaction that everyone is disagreeing with. You could have told her without taking it to extremes (humiliating her in front of her colleagues and customers by calling her a "space invader".) If you felt that strongly and felt she needed to know, why not take her aside and say to her it's not acceptable to touch pregnant women? Otherwise I think a short "don't do that" would have got the message across. I think she has got the message loud and clear now anyway!

TheMaw · 22/12/2013 13:17

TwoPeas, that's different though isn't it? She did it once and you stopped her. That's totally your right to do that. But letting it happen five times then humiliating someone in front of a lot of people is not on, especially as the woman probably thought she was being friendly and the OP was ok with it.

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 13:17

I'd be fucking annoyed too but I'd like to think I'd not deliberately humiliate another person in retaliation.

Given the choice, I'd rather be like the lady in the shop and be kindly but wrong than be nasty but right.

feathermucker · 22/12/2013 13:19

YWNBU - everybody has their own preference as to personal space. I would have been too embarrassed/uncomfortable to say anything the first few times either tbh!

I didn't like people stroking my DS's face etc when he was a baby whereas some people don't mind.

Don't worry yourself - she's learned now ;)

sunbathe · 22/12/2013 13:21

I hate being touched by people, kids and dh excepted, so I can totally understand your reaction.

And I'm not heavily pregnant.