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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Space Invader! Was I unreasonable and over reacting?

294 replies

LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 11:53

Just really irritated and I understand that I probably may have been unreasonable and maybe I did over react. So please tell me if I was.

Currently 38+3 with our first. I am fed up, irritable, tired and just want our DD here. I normally go to the same connivance supermarket chain (one of the small shops) mid week if we need anything.

The last four/five times I have been, one of the female employees has taken it upon herself to rub my tummy whilst saying "ohhhh you are nearly there love". Angry. She comes from nowhere so every single time its been totally unexpected. Well, I snapped this time and in front of everyone by the tiles (t was busy) said "will you stop touching me. I am not public property and to be frank I am sick to the back teeth of you touching me every time I come here. Are you normally this much of a space invader. It's rude". She went bright red and wondered off looking very embarrassed.

Was I unreasonable embarrassing her in front of so many people? I wonder if everyone that saw thought I was over reacting and a bit irrational.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/12/2013 13:32

If you'd said it the first time, everyone would have agreed.

It's the way you handled the fifth time that there's a problem with.

I hope you have the grace to feel embarrassed next time you see her.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/12/2013 13:38

I think next time you see her, say something like 'I'm sorry I was so aggressive. Being this pregnant makes me a bit bad tempered - but I really don't like people touching me and I should have said so sooner. It's a bit rude to touch someone's bump when you don't know her.'

Because, yes, you were in the wrong for exploding but she has no right to touch you and it's not unreasonable to point out that you don't like it and plenty of other pregnant women would not like it either.

OrangePixie · 22/12/2013 13:40

Surely you're aware of the rule that a pregnant woman in her third trimester is never unreasonable?

MissFenella · 22/12/2013 13:47

so groping complete strangers is perfectly OK and complaining about it is an over reaction? Get real. Of course you do not randomly fondle people you do not know. What a ridiculous notion.

No wonder so many people still think women's bodies are public property.
Until women's attitude to this changes women will always be treated this way.

TheWitTank · 22/12/2013 13:50

Aaaarghhhhhh!!! Where has anyone said its okay?!!! Everyone has said it isn't. Just that the reaction was OTT and nasty. I'm bowing out now, this thread is infuriating.

kali110 · 22/12/2013 13:51

People arent stating she was unreasonable for not wanting to be touched it was how she went about it' she humilated that poor woman. She never told this she was uncomfortable the other 4 or 5 times. Bet tge shop workers will all be avoiding the op from on

TheMaw · 22/12/2013 13:51

Fenella which thread are you reading? Point out one person who has said it's ok to be touched by a stranger. Crying 'assault' in a case like this does a lot more damage to woman in the struggle to being taken seriously. The OP handled this situation very badly, THAT is what people are complaining about.

Writerwannabe83 · 22/12/2013 13:55

I think you probably need to apologise to her.....

haveyourselfashandy · 22/12/2013 14:03

Agree with dreamofwhitehorses 100% You need to back away from mumsnet for a while op.Your reaction was disgusting and I hated people touching my bumps.All I had to do was smile and say I didn't like it and have a joke.Some people take themselves far too seriously.This woman isn't the enemy.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2013 14:15

TwoPeas, rude behaviour is not okay though is it? You probably really upset that lady. There are ways to conduct yourself when you don't agree with something someone else does, and being rude is usually not one of them. "Sharp words" is usually code for rude, in the same way the OP kept using forthright to cover her rudeness.

ARealPickle · 22/12/2013 14:23

Ywbvu. It's yet another aibu thread where the op is unreasonable, asks aibu, everyone says yes but she continues regardless!!

Of course you can say you don't like something but to snap at the poor lady who was trying to be friendly was incredibly rude and deserves an apology.

ARealPickle · 22/12/2013 14:25

I agree tidy.

Where do people get this idea that is acceptable to have "sharp words" or be rude to our humiliate those who they disagree with. You'd think they weren't brought up to be polite but rather that other people don't matter.

TwoPeasOnePod · 22/12/2013 15:03

Its possible to be sharp without being unnecessarily rude, I said "Dont touch his face please!!" in a sort of forthright teachery voice.

YY to a previous poster saying that women in third trimester should have leniency on such matters. You no longer fully 'own' the inside of yourself during pregnancy, so people should be respectful of the outside of it. Women are not objects to be touched at will.

angelinajelly · 22/12/2013 15:09

Don't worry about it, OP. Yeah, maybe you were a bit mean, but she must have a hide like a bloody elephant and the imagination of a lump of lard to think it's OK to go around bump-groping. You might not have said anything the first few times she did it, but I bet you flinched and grimaced, and I bet she chose to ignore your reaction. She's the rude one.

TwoPeasOnePod · 22/12/2013 15:22

Ps. arealpickleit is also rude to insinuate that someone is badly brought up if they are not a model of fake politeness at any personal cost. I was fabulously brought up, in a manner equipping me with manners and knowledge of how to utilise them. Not so much brought up with forthright assertion, which is totally vital and is not rudeness.

Jux · 22/12/2013 15:27

I wish I'd had the guts to aay something to the bunch of strangers who kept feeling me up when I was pg. They'd come out of nowhere, grab my bump and then disappear off again, leaving me gaping. It is incredibly rude and presumptuous.

Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 16:18

I can see that 90% of people think I was unreasonable for not saying something first time and for snapping at her and been forth right about what I was thinking. It would be disingenuous of me to say I wasn't thinking it and yes I have been very irritated by her touching me historically but never said anything.

Now I have said on a couple of occasions that I was unreasonable for not telling her first time to stop and a bit irrational for not been more deplomatic. I am unsure if some people missed those posts. However, although I may have been harsh I won't be apologising to her because I meant what I said about her touching me although my approach could have been less aggressive. I understand people may not agree with that posistion and that's fine. If she didnt touch people she doesn't know the she wouldn't risk gettin snapped at.

Interestingly enough just been out for lunch with a bunch of friends (three are also pregnant) and asked the same question. They all feel I wasn't been unreasonable and its very odd that she touched me anyway. So RL friends think I was not unreasonable but MNers think I was been unreasonable. On balance, with the exception of the two points I acknowledged above I will go with my RL friends position. Which I understand goes against 90% of the responses on here.

OP posts:
ARealPickle · 22/12/2013 16:26

You're not unreasonable for telling her to stop, but snap at her and publicly humiliate her.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2013 16:28

You don't apologise for the sentiment, you apologise for your aggressiveness. And of course your friends will back you. Don't be so naive in thinking you're getting an objective perspective from them.

But hopefully if nothing else, this will make you think about your behaviour in future, so I suppose that's something. Please don't go in that shop and embarrass that poor woman again though.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 22/12/2013 16:31

You were astonishingly and outrageously rude imho. But you clearly don't want to hear that, and are only choosing to hear the people who agree with you.

Writerwannabe83 · 22/12/2013 16:31

I agree with tidy - you are right, she shouldn't have been randomly touching you and you shouldn't have to apologise for how you feel about that BUT you should apologise for the way in which you spoke to her and publicly humiliated her. Really not very nice. Your pregnant friends are obviously biased - hardly an objective opinion......

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2013 16:32

So RL friends think I was not unreasonable but MNers think I was been unreasonable. On balance, with the exception of the two points I acknowledged above I will go with my RL friends position. Which I understand goes against 90% of the responses on here.

So why bother with the thread?

Waste of bloody time really.

I hope the poor woman realises that not everyone is as precious about these things.

Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 16:36

I didn't go in their planning to humiliate her. I didn't think "right I am going to snap at her in front of everyone and show her up". I was minding my own business checking my stuff out and she touched me again and I reacted immediately. There was no premeditated planning or malice in it. However that doesn't mean snapping at her was the right approach. But in my defence, if she kept her hands to herself it never would have happened.

Hopefully she won't be touching pregnant strangers in the future. And as for me, I shall try to be less aggressive if it happens again.

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts though. It's good to hear/see it from a different prospective.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePeaPod · 22/12/2013 16:38

Worral I started the thread prior to the lunch otherwise I probably wouldn't have started the thread havin spoken to my RL friends.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/12/2013 16:41

Yes but you've still chosen to take the position of a minority of people (your RL friends) purely because they agree with you.

Like I said, a waste of time.

You really don't want to know if you were unreasonable at all.

Either way, I hope you learn to get your temper under control before the baby arrives.

I say that because you're in for a couple of years of completely nice, well meaning strangers touching your baby too.