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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused this present for dd

191 replies

happydutchmummy · 21/12/2013 23:32

Dd godmother came round tonight to drops off Christmas presents. She excitedly whispered to me when she came in that she'd bought a rocking horse for dd.

However we already have a rocking horse, it hardly ever comes out of the toy cupboard and it takes up masses of space. We do not need or want another rocking horse so I suggested she gives it to another child or returns it to the store for a refund.

My friend was really upset at me not wanting it, said she couldn't easily return it as the store she got it from is miles away, it was expensive, she doesn't know any other little girls, she was sooooo looking forward to seeing dd face as she opened her present, etc. It ended up being a huge guilt trip to refuse it.

Should I just have accepted it to spare her feelings, --even though it will just end up in the attic and never get used- or would you have refused it to up?

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 22/12/2013 15:50

I think you were extremely rude to turn down a gift, and what's with this "overstepping a boundary" by purchasing a gift for a child without always checking with the parents. Agree it is good to ask if buying something large or expensive but also sounds like some parents are almost on a power trip and everyone else has to "know their place"

Coconutty · 22/12/2013 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 22/12/2013 15:57

I honestly couldn't do that to someone, I'd actually love her for putting the thought in and tell her how beautiful it is and how thankful I am. I'd then sell the other one and leave the new one out, perhaps your DD would play with it if it's left out and now she's presumably a bit older?

If it's your child's godmother she's obviously your friend, why would you want to hurt her feelings?

Skogkat · 22/12/2013 16:04

I wouldn't think of refusing a gift. I might eBay it later, but I would always be grateful and thankful and tell her how lovely it was. If she later asked after it, I would probably have to make up something though Hmm

ADishBestEatenCold · 22/12/2013 16:07

Your friend (a friend who is clearly lovely enough for you to chose her as your DD's GodM) travelled from "quite far away" to bring Christmas presents, including a very special present for your DD (so special, to this lovely friend, that she was excited about it) and you told her you didn't want it. Have I got that right? You wouldn't let her give her gift to her GodC? You made her take it away? That is breathtakingly hurtful.

happydutchmummy "I will apologise for hurting her feelings" I don't think you should be surprised if that doesn't repair the relationship, to anything like it's former closeness. Unless your friend is a much nicer and more understanding person than you (and even then), then I would guess that you might find this friendship seriously damaged.
"She doesn't have any children so isn't aware of issues with buying very big presents (or very noisy ones) and I have always accepted them". I'm sure she should be very grateful that you have accepted them in the past.
"However in my defence" You have a line of defense?

This can't be true. Is it a wind up? I can't visualise anyone not realising just how rude this is. It must be a wind up.

silverten · 22/12/2013 16:13

Rocking horses are complete one-trick ponies as toys. 5 mins is about their limit for any child, but they tap into that Dickensian fantasy that adults love to indulge in when buying for children.

The reality is that most people don't live in mansions with an entire wing to house the children, the nanny, and the nursery and the rocking horse is a massive space-hog that doesn't earn its place.

We've got one. It lives in the loft, because it is a precious family heirloom that can neither be played with or restored, but unaccountably cannot live at MIL's house either, even though she's the only one who gives a shiny shit about it.

I would cheerfully use it for firewood, pointless Thing that it is. It gives me the Rage.

ElkTheory · 22/12/2013 16:17

Very unreasonable and rude on your part, IMO. She wanted to give your child a special gift and you rejected it. Goodness, why not just say thank you? Get rid of the rocking horse if you don't want it.

HoHolepew · 22/12/2013 16:19

I don't know what on earth gave you that idea harold .

I would be really pissed off if I bought a present that ended up being sold straight away. I'd much rather be told that it wouldn't be used and to get a refund. .

Just say no

thegreylady · 22/12/2013 16:23

Our rocking horse was used a lot by my dc then treasured for dgc...BUT dgc1 lives in Turkey-not sure the airline would have liked it! Dgs1 used it quite a bit when he was very little but when dgs2 came along it was relegated to the loft where I fear it will live out its lonely days.I remember my Grandad's delight 42 years ago when he [a retired Durham miner] went to London on the train, braved Harrods!!! And returned with a small Shetland pony on wooden rockers.It had a music box under one rocker and played Frere Jacques when rocked. I feel so sad now that no one wants him :( We called him Jacky Boy and used to sing that song to the kids...
Jacky Boy
Master?
Sing ye well?
Very well
Hey down
Ho down
Derry derry down
Among the leaves so green-o.

perlona · 22/12/2013 16:24

You were very rude, it's annoying when people buy presents that are too big/age inappropriate/you have several multiples of or inferior quality to what the parent would prefer to buy for them but unless someone has ignored a specific request not to get a certain item or has bought something offensive or dangerous, it's good manners to keep the groans silent, smile and thank them for their kindness. Teach that to your kids and you'll never have to worry about them giving a rude response to a gift either.

I think you'll never have to worry about her getting the wrong thing again.

soverylucky · 22/12/2013 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NurseRoscoe · 22/12/2013 16:26

A little child won't be able to pretend to love a gift she already has. Small children's emotions aren't as developed as ours.

If she asked for ideas I don't know why she bought something different isn't the whole purpose of asking for ideas so you can get the child something they WILL love and don't already have?!

soverylucky · 22/12/2013 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
happydutchmummy · 22/12/2013 16:27

Surely though it is ruder to accept a gift and then when she comes round and asks after it to say I donated it to charity or sold it on eBay. Rocking horses are sturdy things that can't really get broken so it would be impossible to make up a tragic believable story of its demise... I'd end up upsetting her more by accepting it and then getting rid of it. I am already stuck with one horse in my house to keep family member happy, and I shudder at the thought of trying to find space to keep another one.

It would have given her a few minutes of joy to see the look on dd face when she unwrapped it (assuming my 3 year old didn't blurt out that she already has one and never really plays with it) but it would have given us years of hassle trying to store it and having to circulate horses depending on which guests are round.

OP posts:
HoHolepew · 22/12/2013 16:29

Maybe you should build a stable block?

Lilacroses · 22/12/2013 16:35

But the op was told before the friend gave the gift and so had the opportunity to say "wow, thank you that is so incredibly lovely and thoughtful but unfortunately we already have one and I'd hate for you to have spent all that money on something so special only for us not to use it" It's highly likely that if OP didn't say something her young DC might well do, not unkindly but in the way that children do.

It doesn't mean that you have to be rude and you would hardly ever have to say that but if I had bought someone or their child a huge and expensive gift and they all received it graciously and I then found out that they had one already in the cupboard that they didn't actually enjoy or that they sold it straight away I would be so upset. I would much rather someone appreciated the thought I'd put into the gift but was honest with me and I could return it and get them something they would really enjoy.

I do agree with others that in general with gifts you smile and accept with gracious thanks and my Dd has always done this but if you are forewarned that someone has spent a small fortune on something that your child already has I think it is really dishonest not to mention it while still acknowledging the lovely thought and trouble they've gone to. Perhaps posters think I ought to have accepted the kitten and the 2 white ponies graciously too?!

HaroldTheGoat · 22/12/2013 16:36

Sad For jacky boy.

So many poor unwanted gee gees.

Lilacroses · 22/12/2013 16:37

x post op.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/12/2013 16:38

There has been talk of a line and everything that is alive crosses that line.

And poo.

And tanks

And firearms.

Lilacroses · 22/12/2013 16:41

Grin fair play Harold! Good post!

Howstricks · 22/12/2013 16:42

In the original post it states how the friend was really upset. That is a real shame.

Lilacroses · 22/12/2013 16:43

It reminds me a bit of when people were all buying huge trampolines for their back gardens. There were quite a few threads about family members turning up with these as gifts and the recipients being a bit stressed and annoyed because they took up the entire garden. Similar situation I think.

Meerka · 22/12/2013 16:44

If you're really Dutch, then there s a culture clash.

it is considered rude in the UK culture to refuse a gift. But in the NL, I've noticed it's quite a lot more accepted, at least with my experience of dutch family and friends (specially with Rotterdammers for some reason). Actually, good old dutch pragmatism and comon sense kicks in!

So, culture clash and it may be worth explaining to the godmother, or getting DH to explain, that it's kind of okay, if something is impractical, to say No. Not sure how the godmother will take it from you, atm; you know her best so will be able to judge.

it was also thoughtless and annoying of her to buy something so big without checking, but perhaps it was inexperience.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2013 16:47

Horribly rude, OP. Did you really need to ask? Put yourself in your friend's shoes. You really need to make amends - and quickly as this is your daughter's godmother. I'd be reconsidering my friendship with you.

Meerka · 22/12/2013 16:49

by the way, agreed you cant get rid of the old one if it was from family and have the shiny new one out there instead.

dunno if this would work but how about returning it and then picking out a present together?

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