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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you'd have more than one child?

309 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:19

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home Grin

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP Smile

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe??? Smile

OP posts:
InsanityandBeyond · 20/12/2013 11:04

I have 4 (living). If someone had said to in my early 20's that I'd have that many, I would have said they must be bloody crazy Hmm.

I desperately wanted one as I loved DH so much I wanted his baby (feelings like that have LONG worn off now)! Then when DD was around 18 months and although I found her REALLY hard work, I desperately wanted her to have a sibling so she would have someone to share her life with and hopefully have a close bond with them. I come from a family of 8 children with different fathers and there is no closeness at all due to the way my mother brought us up with me being the hated reminder of my father who left her.

It took me 2 years to fall pregnant with DD2 (and I was over the moon with DD having a sister as I'd always wanted one to be close to) but she died shortly after birth due to having a condition that was not diagnosed until I was 7 months pregnant. With 2 months of that happening, and I still don't know to this day how Grin, I was pregnant again with twin boys who were born 10 months to the day after DD2's birth and death.

DD1 was very aware of DD2's death and the loss of her sister and I always had a totally irrational feeling of guilt about it so when the boys were 7 and DD1 12, I had a crazy urge to try for one more child in the hope that I could give DD1 the sister she had wanted and I admit to being devastated when I found out DS3 was going to be a boy, but only for a short while. He is very much loved and DD1 is now grown (17) and I have gotten over the urge to try to replace the sister she lost. I think a lot of it was my projection due to having 4 sisters who have never had a lot to do with me as they view me as the family 'fuckup' due to my mother's emotional abuse and view of me that they have accepted as truth Sad.

WhereIsMyHat · 20/12/2013 11:08

Two was easy, three is a fucking nightmare.

OP, people have more than two because they want to, just like you want one. On a very basic level we are mammals and despite modern life many of us still have the primal urge to reproduce and a lot of the time, more than once.

OneMincePie2Many · 20/12/2013 11:10

noddy the spiel about family around the table in 20 years' time, I didn't mean to imply that that scenario has got to include many many children, only the family that you hope or wish for.

Which is what this thread is about isn't it? What we have all wanted, how we envisaged our lives, our child(ren')s lives? Why we've made those choices? Isn't that what the OP is canvassing for? There's no right or wrong family unit, only the one that you're happy with.

NoComet · 20/12/2013 11:13

I guess DH and I both have siblings who we rub along with pretty well and with whom we have shared good times and bad.

Both my parents have siblings with big age gaps and aren't as close.

It was therefore natural to have two.

I'm incredibly lucky, my DDs are as utterly different as it's possible to be DD1 is 'A quirky socially clumsy dyslexic' and DD2 is the most sociable 'normal, does friends and fashion' child.

Somehow they rub along together, we live in the middle of no where so they had to get along and that really helps.

When I want to ring ones neck the other balances it out.

MTBMummy · 20/12/2013 11:19

DP had been keen on a sibling for DD for over a year and I had been the one digging my heels in. Until last year when my mum passed away, I couldn't have gotten through that without my sister. And the thought of DD having to deal with both my and DP's eventual deaths on her own was just awful.

I hated my sister until we were in our 20's we wound each other up and had nothing in common. Once we both developed our own lives we got on fine and now I would do anything for her and cannot express how much I love her

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 11:21

It's just bizarre that both me and my husband had a sibling yet neither of us haver that 'natural' feeling to want to have more than one child Grin Knowing my luck I'll have this baby and something will flick in my brain and I'll start wanting more and more and more.

I think my husband is content because he wanted a son, which we're having. Prior to finding out the sex he said that if we were having a boy he'd be happy to stop at one but if it was a girl he'd want to have another baby to try and get a son Hmm That didn't go down well....poor little possible daughter....

When the Sonogorapher told me we were having a boy the first emotion I was experienced was utter relief!! It wasn't relief because I knew my husband was getting what he wanted (can't think of a nicer term) but because it meant I wouldn't have to do it all over again. That can't be a good sign Grin

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodone · 20/12/2013 11:26

Writer, I have one and I agree. On the most part, have more than one seems like double the work and stress. I'll stick to one (and one lot of sleepless nights), thanks!

Amrapaali · 20/12/2013 11:27

OP, try wandering over to the One Child Families section. They have some very sensible advice over there.

It seems to me you are fighting your own natural instinct to stop at one, and trying to do what society sees as the norm. noddyholder is talking a lot of sense up there.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 11:29

Thank you for that link - I shall take a look Smile

OP posts:
FantasticThreealmost · 20/12/2013 11:32

I look at families with only one child and wonder 'do you realise how easy you have it?' Esp when the child is 5+. Life must be a walk in the park.

I am 35wks pg with dc3. I found two easy .. until dd2 learnt to speak and then the arguing started.

I grew up as an only child though. And wouldn't wish that on anyone. It was dull as a child and as an adult, bloody hard work - I have cared for both my parents and now they have passed away, its just me who remembers most of my childhood. Its not a nice feeling.

Amrapaali · 20/12/2013 11:40

Again and again, this shared grief and caretaking of a parent comes up. To be frank, I am completely baffled by this argument.

My MIL is one of 9 children, she had to take care of her mum, who was bed ridden for over a year AND dad single handedly, even though most of her siblings were in the same town. Their personal circumstances meant they just couldn't help out as much as they wanted to.

In my case my sister, my parents and I live on three different continents. So for all practical purposes, if anything happens where I need help, I have to rely on friends or my husband.

If you stop at one, use any extra money (money you may have spent on another child) to shore up your pension plans, old age care schemes, proper wills and what-not and ensure as much as possible that your son or daughter don't have to go through any unnecessary trouble on your behalf.

As much as possible, bring them up to be confident, self-reliant, sociable and spend as much time with them. Last count, the world had 7 billion people around. No, your child won't be lonely when you die. He/she may miss you terribly, but you won't be leaving them behind on a deserted planet,if you don't give them siblings.

Amrapaali · 20/12/2013 11:41

Are your parents onlies as well, Fantastic?

Ephiny · 20/12/2013 11:42

If you're happy with one, then I think you should stop at one. Don't worry about what others think or what 'society' sees as the norm. It should be about what feels right for you and your family.

Personally I would not have more than one child, because having siblings was such an unhappy experience for me. Yes we presumably have shared childhood memories, but they're not ones I particularly want to remember, and as we rarely have any contact with each other anyway, it's not really relevant.

There's some evidence that only children are happier (and that their parents are too :)).

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 11:43

I just don't get the dull thing. But then we have always had a social house before and after ds. We have always loved holidays just the 3 of us though as I think its a time to chill which ds loves. The looking after ill parents thing is a huge worry for anyone. And I think wanting to do that is so generous and about the individual and what your relationship was like. This way of being totally focussed on your little unit and mapping out how you would like the whole thing to go is alien to me though I live in the day and ds has been brought up to do the same.

Trinpy · 20/12/2013 11:44

I've seen several posters on this thread saying that bigger age gaps mean siblings won't be as close. I have 2 older brothers, one is 7 years older, the other is 5 years older. They were both so excited to have a baby sister and included me in all of their games. Now we are adults I am very close to the youngest and we can talk to each other about absolutely anything. I don't speak to the eldest as much but whenever I have needed help or support he has been the first one there.

Sorry for not answering the op, but I know people worry about age gaps and I wanted to reassure anyone who is!

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 11:47

More and more people will leave this country too as the job and housing situation is dire and so scattered families is very much the norm. Really keep an eye on your own life and relationships my dear friend has 2 kids and no one for Xmas this year and is heartbroken plus her ds feels terrible. They were her life and her world was shattered when she got divorced out of the blue and her dc left home.

cory · 20/12/2013 11:53

We have a 3.5 year gap between dd and ds and I don't think I have ever seen two such loving siblings. It helps that they do different things, are at different stages and have different interests: they have enough common ground, in the shape of shared jokes and experiences, but they are not in competition.

WilsonFrickett · 20/12/2013 11:55

One is perfect (if that's what you want and what works for your family). I have to admit the 'they entertain themselves better when there are siblings' argument has made me lol, so far today DS has

  1. come in for a cuddle and a chat in bed with me
  2. went downstairs for a sneaky first day of holiday play on his ipad
  3. rearranged his cars in their garage (he's v hopeful Santa is bringing him a toy ferrari so wants it to have space)
  4. had breakfast and nice chat
  5. popped into my office - I'm working MNing twice to ask me 'where things are' and give me the post.

That's it. Entertaining him is hardly onerous. He is brilliant, our family works brilliantly, I absolutely wouldn't change it for the world.

I also found the post way back suggesting singleton families are 'too adult focused' quite insulting, but then it was countered with around a squillion posts suggesting singleton families were too focussed round their PFB so I'll let it slide...

And OP I always knew I only wanted one too.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 11:58

but they are not in competition.

I agree that this is a big factor in siblings that are close in age. Me and my sister were always being compared to each other (she unfortunately was the one criticised) and it was always in the background. Thankfully, because we were so close it didn't affect us directly, we didn't let our relationship suffer, but we both knew it went on and I do actually think it has influenced the different ways in which we have turned out. Even now (we are 30 and 31) there is always this sense that she felt I was favoured because in the 'competitons' I came out best in my parent's eyes.

OP posts:
FantasticThreealmost · 20/12/2013 11:59

Amrapaali - Their siblings were too old to be any help.

They had me late in life.

I loved my Mum and Dad with every part of me. I loved it being just the three of us. I loved the holidays and being treated almost as an adult by them from quite a young age. I was very lucky to have had them as parents.

But ultimately I think their choice to have me was selfish. The burden to care for them was always going to fall on my shoulders. Its not just the physical act of caring, its the guilt of not being enough and all the tough emotional decisions you have to make. I still lay awake wondering if the choices I made for her care were the right ones.

I can't guarantee that my dc won't have to go through what I did, that they won't have to care for dh or me alone. But I have done my best to try and make sure they won't - and that is a big difference.

I don't think you can know the drain of caring for elderly parents until you have done it.

BucksWannabee · 20/12/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christmaspuddingaddict · 20/12/2013 12:08

As the parent of an only, not by choice, I find this thread very sad. I am mostly happy with our little family, and DD (6) has seemed happy and very sociable, with cousins she is very close to who are always round our house, but it seems the general consensus is she will grow up sad and lonely, and be burdened with caring for me all alone as an adult! Sad

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 12:10

fantastic the love is what you should remember that is not selfish. Mind you I never treated ds like a little adult and we are still young enough now to do lots with him. he is home from uni and we have a lot of interests in common. He has some mates with lovely siblings and he joins in a lot of their stuff but mainly his mates prefer to come here. There are lots of people with a house full of children and they treat them appallingly. Having a sibling is no guarantee of anything when you are older those that think it is are in for a shock.Enjoy the day everything beyond that is only in your imagination

FantasticThreealmost · 20/12/2013 12:11

Well she may not be burdened with caring for you. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Or you may live a healthy life until you are 79 and then pop off in your sleep.

But if you do need care, then yes, it will be your dd's responsibility.

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 12:11

Christmaspudding you should never have to feel like that There are many many couples and women who would love just the opportunity to have one.