To ask why you'd have more than one child?

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe???

Lots of cousins and plenty of interaction with them works just as well Christmaspudding.

I struggle to understand the thing about caring for elderly parents too. Maybe because I haven't experienced it (yet), from either side.

But I don't expect to provide care for my parents (I don't live close enough for it to be practical, and I imagine medical professionals are better qualified to make any decisions than I am), and I can't imagine expecting any child I have to do that for me, it would seem selfish. I'd rather they were living their own life.

Honestly it's something I've only come across on MN, not in real life. I don't know anyone who does this. Most of my friends and colleagues don't even live in the same country as their parents.

No christmaspuddingaddict that isn't the general consensus.
Each family is very different.

I think the care thing is just not applicable to everyone and if you think its your dc responsibility i think thats a worry.

Ephiny your faith in the uk medical services is touching.

I never said it was a guarantee Noddy. I actually said I couldn't guarantee that one of my dc wouldn't end up caring for me alone.

But I haven't directly placed that burden on their shoulder by only having one.

As far as my parents go, I remember how lucky I felt growing up feeling completely safe and protected by them and their love. I was very lucky. My mum was the best.

But they didn't think long term. They didn't think what the long term consequences of having an only child at such a late age would be.

People do not move house across country and indeed the world to care for elderly parents in the majority of cases. I know my friends who are dealing with older parents aren't apart from one and she has 2 sisters who do sod all to help.

their choice to have me was really selfish, now that has made me really, really sad. I am certain your parents didn't have you, just so they have a ready-made carer in their dotage.

As for second-guessing your choices, we all do it at various points in our life. For various choices. Education, where you choose to live, your job. Why should it should be any different when choosing your parents' care?

When my grandma was ill, my dad rushed her to the nearest hospital. My uncles weren't happy that their mother was cared for in a timely manner, but they were quite miffed that the hospital didn't have a great reputation. Having siblings actually hindered my father at those moments.

The grass is always greener....

'directly placed that burden on their shoulder' WHy do you think its ok to say this?

I have 3 siblings and I grew up feeling completely an inconvenience and so did the others. I would have preferred to have the love and stability and good memories with no siblings. My mother has 4 and will be alone because of how she was as a parent so no guarantee. My friends mum has 3 and she was an amazing mum yet 2 of her dc cant and wont help out

Thanks, I do know how lucky I am to have my one. I know a couple of people who have had fertility problems, and have not yet been able to have any children, which must be heartbreaking. I feel very lucky, and probably enjoy being a Mum more because I was only able to have one.

It always worries me though, reading of people who were only children and hated it, or this idea of onlies having to care for elderly parents with no support. I am lucky enough to have a sister I get on well with, but DH is one of 4, of which two live in other countries, and one has cut contact with the whole family, so I know its not all roses with siblings. I suspect DH will end up bearing the brunt of caring for his parents if and when the time comes.

I don't understand the comment about UK medical services (or why it was addressed to me) though I'm sure no country is perfect in that regard .

As for the rest, I don't think anyone can place a burden on you, unless you choose to take it on.

"I imagine medical professionals are better qualified to make any decisions than I am)" that's what you said, Epi.

I think the other poster meant, the medical pros here aren't all that capable. And your faith in them was quite amusing

You have no choice but to care for your parents because if you don't - then no one else will.

I've been on plenty of hospital wards where elderly people have had no one and I've seen the care those patients receive. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

When my mum broke her hip, she had dementia and I couldn't leave her bedside for any length of time as I didn't know if she would eat or drink without me there to remind her. I couldn't rely on the nurses on the ward - they were too overstretched and understaffed.

I have been on a children's ward and an elderly ward and the difference in care is mind boggling. Those reports on the news of poor elderly care is just the tip of the iceberg. I've witnessed it first hand.

Oh, I see. I think. I don't think it's really a question of 'faith', more that someone with medical qualifications (however dubious) is probably going to be better placed to make medical or end-of-life type decisions than I am, given that I have no experience or training at all in these matters!

Though I have no intention of getting involved, either way.

No Ephiny, it is down to the next of kin to place a DNR - not the doctors.

The sibling rivalry between my stepsons has put me off having a second child of my own. Both my stepsons are lovely individually and lovely towards their little sister but the two boys together are horrible. I don't want to have a second child to take done of the pleasure out of being a patent to my first and I don't want to make her feel jealous or threatened by another sibling.

My solution is to have a big age gap. If we do have another I want there to be 4 years plus between them so they have the benefits of a sibling when they are older but the experience of being an only child.

As I said before I am happy to assist my friend in a way her siblings aren't and they had a happy normal childhood just circumstances mean one can't and one won't. You sound like you have made a 'better' choice because you have this 'probably' covered when you cannot possibly know. Anyway def bowing out of this as those who think like this always do and these threads go round in circles but as I said before live for today as you have no control over anything else and if you think you know what will happen when your dc grow up you are blinkered.

Biology - when one baby gets to a certain age many people get a biological urge for more... Not that surprising surely?!

Anyway, sure kids fight, but look at them when they're cuddling each other and bonding and it's a different story.

I have never said I have it covered.

I have merely said I have done everything I can to prevent it. Because I have lived that life. And I wouldn't wish it on my children.

Writer it all looks different from the other side. I felt like you and now I have 3 children.

I'm not sure that's true about next of kin making DNR decisions, at least in the UK. The decision would normally be discussed with relatives, if there are any who wish to be involved, but in the end it is the doctor's decision how to proceed with treatment (or not):

"The doctor in charge of your care will make a
decision about what is right for you. Your family
and friends are not allowed to decide for you, but
it can be helpful for the healthcare team to talk to
them about your wishes."

www.uhs.nhs.uk/Media/Controlleddocuments/Clinical/AdultDNACPRpolicy.pdf

"In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, although relatives can give their view, any final decision about CPR would be the responsibility of the doctor when the patient is unable to make the decision."

www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Endoflife/CPRforpeoplewithcancer.aspx#DynamicJumpMenuManager_6_Anchor_6

It's a discussion for another thread, maybe, whether it should be that way. I personally feel it probably is correct, as there are all kinds of potential conflicts of interest if you allow relatives to make decisions like this, and they are likely to often be too emotionally involved to always make the best decision for the patient, rather than for themselves.

Not that medical professionals are pure and perfect decision-makers either, of course. Everyone is human, with pressures and biases from different directions, and there have been many sad cases where relatives have felt the decision has been made for the wrong reasons. But on balance, having it this way is probably the best of the choices available, if the patient isn't able to give their own view.

How do you know you have done everything you can to prevent it? Nonsense.

I think it's very difficult to explain adequately one's own situation. All I can say is FantasticThreealmost, I know exactly what you mean.

I am not sad or lonely as an adult, not was I as an only child, far from it. But now, right now, when both parents are elderly (70s + 80s) and not in good health, I would like to have a sibling to share it with. Just the shared memories and someone else to say, "do you think this is the right decision". There are huge pros IMO to being an only child, but I stand by the fact that for me it is harder now as an only than it would be if I had siblings.

I wanted more than one (we have 3) because I loved having 2 brothers when I was growing up and I'm really enjoying having nieces and nephews now. There is a big age gap between our 3 but they all get on really well. I don't think the issue of elderly parents is necessarily about who would do the caring but about having someone to share a very difficult time with. My FIL died earlier this year after a long illness and my DH and his brother supported each other a lot during this time. It also meant that they could share some of the practical things that needed doing too such as sorting out power of attorney and ultimately organising the funeral. My friend's mum and dad died quite young and in a short space of time. She hadn't been particularly close to her brother before that but they also really supported each other and are now very close. I find it difficult to understand how siblings can end up not getting on. My mum is really close to her sister and my dad is close to his brothers and sisters so I don't have much experience of families that don't get on.