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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you'd have more than one child?

309 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:19

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home Grin

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP Smile

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe??? Smile

OP posts:
JackShit · 20/12/2013 16:36

Fucking hell Sad

Like many I have one child and am MEDICALLY UNABLE to have another.

Some of the comments on this thread are vile. If you have been fortunate enough to have the good health required to have 2/3/4 children then great, but do you have to make others feel so shit?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 16:40

She fell pregnant on the Coil - and loved telling me all the icky details about it Grin Both my DH's parents have siblings but they aren't close to them at all. My PIL hasn't spoke to his sibling in over 40 years and my MIL although in contact with her siblings doesn't really have many positive things to say about them. They tolerate each other because they are related, if they weren't they wouldn't be in each other's lives. That's why I wonder if my In-Laws actually only wanted one child themselves, because their own experiences of having siblings were not good ones - just like how my DH feels.

OP posts:
laughingeyes2013 · 20/12/2013 16:43

Jack - the thread question is "why would you have more than one child".

So if you click the thread you have to expect its full of answers to the question.

I'm sure no one wants to hurt you with their answers. Perhaps someone with NO children at all might also feel upset? But I think if it does it takes the context out of the original question.

Ultimately you can do a good job with one, or a good job with two. Or you can do a bad job both ways too. Parenting is more than the amount you have, but that wasn't the OP's question.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 20/12/2013 16:45

Jack - Sorry this has upset you. Please realise that most people don't feel like that. I have 2 (3rd on way) but don't think my family set up is 'better' than anyone else's. It just suits us.

Also, when asked to describe reasons for having more than one, most people don't intend to be offensive about having one. They are just saying 'these are what i see as the benefits'. So just like describing the benefits someone has with being a working mum can be inadvertantly offensive to SAHMs and vice versa.

JackShit · 20/12/2013 17:00

I totally get that, but a few of the posts are a little strong, such as "I wouldn't wish that in my child" etc.

A little mean imo.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 20/12/2013 17:02

I agree. I just meant that they are a very vocal minority. Which sadly you get on most issues on parenting choices. I just didn't want you thinking that the volume at which they yell on these threads is representative of how many of them there are in RL Smile

Joiningthegang · 20/12/2013 17:07

As one of three I wish I had been on my own.

We always said we would stick with one - we have three - whim I wouldn't be without, but if I had my time again I would stick with one

laughingeyes2013 · 20/12/2013 17:17

Yes I think unfortunately typing can bring out the beast in people who face to face would choose to temper their words.

I still think if those people knew it would hurt you they'd have probably put their opinions across in a gentler way. At least I hope so.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/12/2013 17:43

Do you like having a sister op?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 17:46

I absolutely love my sister, next to DH she is my favourite person in the world Smile

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/12/2013 17:49

Sounds like you just answered your own question.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 20/12/2013 17:49

I have 3 and none of them were planned, we just went with whatever happened so didn't not plan either Xmas Grin
I think when it comes down to it for all the arguments and bickering, when one is in trouble the others are there like a shot.
They stand up for each other, and I couldn't imagine being without any of them.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 17:51

The problem though creamy is that even though I feel like that about my sister, I still don't want more than one child myself, lol.

OP posts:
lalouche · 20/12/2013 17:57

I was an only child, happy but lonely. My parents would have liked more kids but couldn't have any. So now instead they are about to get 3 grandchildren:) my two so far luckily get on fantastically, entertain each other and stick up for each other. Watching them interact is my favourite part of parenting by a long shot. I hope dc3 will just add to the fun:) I love big noisy families, though 3 is definitely my limit.

raisah · 20/12/2013 18:43

I am from a large family and although I have 2 dc, I couldn't imagine not having another. I wouldn't have as many as my parents did but I certainly would love to have 3 if circumstances permitted.

My siblings & I almost killed each other growing up but we learnt so much about functioning in society from each other. We are very different personalities but we complement each other well & my parents deserve a pat on the back for not abandoning us to ss as we were challenging!

My SIL has 1 sibling & she prefers celebrations at our place as when we are all together, it feels like a proper party. Whereas xmas at her parents just consists of her parents and sister & its not different to any other day.

Makinglists · 20/12/2013 18:56

I'm an only child though my childhood was ok I wouldn't want it for my children. Being the well meaning focus constantly of my parents attention was suffocating. As I have become an adult the thing I would have wished for most was a sibling - just to know that there was someone else out there to share things with. I have no great ambition that my sons will grown up to be best buddies (if they do great but I doubt it) but what I do hope is that they have the sense that there is someone else out there who they can share their childhood with and when things get tough that someone will look out for them. It may not work out that way but I would rather have taken that chance then the sense of isolation/loneliness I felt/feel as an only.

lalouche · 20/12/2013 19:32

Incidentally, I find it much harder entertaining just one child - the practicalities are harder but it's much less intense with two, esp when they are entertaining each other. I'm a rubbish playmate by comparison!

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 20/12/2013 19:45

"...even though I feel like that about my sister, I still don't want more than one child myself, lol."

And that is why it's perfectly fine to have one. DP has 3 sisters but they are all about 25 years older than him so he grew up as an only child. He finds sibling stuff weird and unnatural to him. Things I worry about with DS, he sees as totally normal.

There's no use having 2 or 3 or more if you're going to be totally stressed out and hate it and want to run away all the time!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 21:07

But there's just this nagging feeling that to purposefully choose to only have one is cruel - it's not as though many 'onlies' have posted on this thread and told us positive anecdotes about their childhood, quite the opposite in fact.... Hmm

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/12/2013 21:17

Of course it's not cruel. Just do what feels right for you and your family. You dont need to of think of all the negatives about having 2 or more children just concentrate on enjoying the one you have. You can be happy with one child without putting down the experience of 2 or more.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 20/12/2013 21:20

Of course it isn't cruel. There are loads of people who will also post negative experiences of siblings .Plus, the title is 'why have more', so that's not likely to get that many onlies responding "I had a great childhood" because that wasn't what you asked.

laughingeyes2013 · 20/12/2013 21:26

Lalouche - I totally get what you're saying about it being much harder to entertain one!

I felt as though holidays would carry a certain burden with it if we kept to just one child, sociable as he is. I remember seeing a similar aged boy on a holiday looking lost and sad on his own and feeling like I wanted to include him with us but at the same time unable to do that (we had or own itinerary and besides his parents might not have found the idea suited them!). I recognise you can get sad looks from kids in a large family too, it just is how it came across, as though he was lonely by himself.

My father in law was an only hold and says he spent his whole life wishing for a sibling. I am one of a large family and always wishes I was an only child who would get some attention, but now that I'm an adult I'm really grateful for my siblings.

I think it's like other topics such as mums putting their kids into childcare so they can work vs mums who give up work and are the child carer, or breast vs formula feeding - everyone feels strongly that their way is best. Probably because it's what they know and are comfortable with or perhaps may have actively chosen.

ComposHat · 20/12/2013 21:30

I guess because you don't know how it will pan out. I am 33, my sister is 31. We can and do bicker and fall out at the drop of a hat. We do love each other but we're very different people and manage to rub each other up the wrong way.

Three decades of it and it eill probably ho ombtil the day we die.

JoInScotland · 20/12/2013 22:15

I am the youngest of 7 (6 survived into adulthood). I always wanted a bunch of children - 3 or 4! Then I had an emergency C-section, a massive hemorrage and lots of various serious health problems ever since. I just turned 41. It might not happen. If it does, we will require IVF to conceive... and we don't have an infinite supply of money to try beyond more than once.

Now, this is not what I planned. Though of course, people look at my DP and I with a son who is nearly 4 and assume that we have planned things this way because I tend not to broadcast my health problems. However, my son is the most social child at his preschool. He is kind, and caring, and hugs all the babies and younger toddlers every day at pick-up time. He is very loving, and good at sharing. We have always instilled in him a sense of every person's worth and never let him "get away" with things or spoiled him. He would love a sibling, we would love another baby, but it probably won't happen.

As others have said, "families" come in many shapes and sizes. None of them are "the only way to do things", because different people want different things, and of course sometimes choices get taken away from people as well.

JohnCusacksWife · 20/12/2013 23:39

Writer, if you only want one child that's fine but your apparent lack of confidence in your own decision suggests that you're not certain about it. I think you're way over thinking things and should just enjoy your pregnancy and then see how you feel once your baby's here. You might find your decision's confirmed or you may see things differently. Who knows?

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