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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you'd have more than one child?

309 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:19

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home Grin

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP Smile

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe??? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 10:27

I guess it's a lottery if siblings get on - you just have to hope for the best. My DHs parents find it so hard to accept their sons don't like each other, it causes his mum so much upset because she feels so torn. I'm pretty sure that even if one of my DH's parents got very ill he would still have nothing to do with his brother and they certainly don't have nice childhood memories they'd want to share together. Because I'm so close to my sister I find it really hard to understand my DH's non-existent relationship with his brother but it does make me realise that having a sibling isn't the be-all and end-all and isn't always a guarantee that childhood will be more fulfilling.

My friend had a DD 6 years ago and she and her DH were adamant that due to their financial situation they would only ever have one. They agreed they would rather be able to give their daughter toys and treats, weekends away etc because she was their only financial concern as opposed to having a 2nd child and all that be denied (for both children) because they wouldn't be able to afford it. They were always very sensible and practical about this so everyone was very surprised when she got pregnant again (planned) and baby is now 8 months. Their financial situation is now dire. My friend says that although she knows that as a family they cant afford anything anymore she wouldn't change it as she given her daughter a sibling (they had a little boy). In some ways I see her point but in other ways I feel bad....the daughter's life has already taken a huge hit in terms of what she is used to (having toys every now and then, dance class, new clothes every few months etc) because things just cant be afforded anymore. And I just think is it worth it because with an almost 7 year age gap is she even going to be that close to her sibling anyway?? Is it right to sacrifice the current style of life and happiness of one child for another in the hope a loving sibling relationship will form?

My friend is the youngest of 3 and she admits herself she isn't particularly close to any of them - mainly because of the large age gaps. They may have grown up in the same house but they certainly didn't share friends and lives as such.

OP posts:
Madasabox · 20/12/2013 10:28

I have 2 and am pg with no 3. I did it, because I found 1 hard. 2 is much much much easier. Then I wanted a 3rd because I found I liked the chaos and the noise (most of the time). I wanted to look back in the car and see 3 little faces. But...I was lying in bed last night thinking my 2 are great together - why do I want to change that dynamic? Too late now!

I am one of 4 mind you. I am only close to one of my siblings and the other 2 aren't close to anyone so I think with more than 2 your odds are better that at least 2 of them will get on!

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 10:32

My ds is very close to a few friends and I do dispute that only family can fulfil that role. I am much more likely to assist my best friend with her parents than her own sister is. But I do think when siblings are close its great but not 'better'. You cannot assume that it will really have that much influence as you age. Someone in a dreadful marriage with money worries etc will not think well its ok as I have my dsis/br because your life is your life and I don't think an only child would be disappointed with an amazing career and family because he didn't have a sibling. My sons closest friends dad committed suicide and although he has 2 brothers and his mum he spent all the time afterwards with us and another friend. Life is not set in stone MN is very rigid in its opinion on things like this compared to RL

Wishihadabs · 20/12/2013 10:32

Writer I don't think it's a lottery if siblings get. As I mentioned my sis is my best friend and I spoke at length to my mum when having dc2 as to how to enhance their relationship. I think I am too close to see it, but others tell me my 2 get on well.

Wishihadabs · 20/12/2013 10:33

Siblings get on

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 10:36

Of course it is wishihadabs - otherwise all siblings would get on - and the reality is that they don't. My sister is my best friend too, but I'm under no illusion that it's the same for everyone.

My dad is 1 of 5 and only really spends time with 1 of his siblings.
The others he tolerates because they're family but that's where the relationship ends.

OP posts:
LaCerbiatta · 20/12/2013 10:37

Mine bicker all the time but yesterday they were both on the sofa watching TV and for no reason they were holding hands.... just moments like that make it all worth it!

Wishihadabs · 20/12/2013 10:37

Well I think it can be influenced. ....

cory · 20/12/2013 10:38

Writerwannabe83 Fri 20-Dec-13 10:27:22

"Their financial situation is now dire. My friend says that although she knows that as a family they cant afford anything anymore she wouldn't change it as she given her daughter a sibling (they had a little boy). In some ways I see her point but in other ways I feel bad....the daughter's life has already taken a huge hit in terms of what she is used to (having toys every now and then, dance class, new clothes every few months etc) because things just cant be afforded anymore. And I just think is it worth it because with an almost 7 year age gap is she even going to be that close to her sibling anyway?? Is it right to sacrifice the current style of life and happiness of one child for another in the hope a loving sibling relationship will form?"

How important is new clothes every few months? Does everybody have to find it equally important?
(am sitting here wearing MIL's cast-offs and not feeling terribly worried if I have to tell the truth)

Families are all different. Siblings are all different. Some people would find it a struggle to live on 52000 a year, others wouldn't know where to start spending that much money. No point in trying to predict how any one set of circumstances is going to affect some other family.

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 10:43

I think when you are in the middle of young children schools toys etc then that family sibling thing is your whole life. Now that ds is at university I can see the bigger picture of how life moves on etc and the changes that occur people living abroad etc. Although now that leaving home until late 20s is becoming so difficult maybe one is a good idea Grin

AndWHOOSHTheyWereGone · 20/12/2013 10:43

For me when I'd had one, and I realised how beautiful and amazing that one was, I wanted to make another one because I knew that one would be different to his sister but also so beautiful and amazing. And he was. They love each other, DD asks for her brother all the time, gives him cuddles. They climb into bed together for a bedtime story, roll around on the floor giggling their heads off. We made those wonderful little people. When I'd had DD, whenever I pictured Christmases in the future, big occasions etc, I always pictured two grown up kids at the table, two bags packed to go back to uni. Two feels balanced to me, it feels right. That feeling and those images (I think) are based on what I didn't have as a child. Those images for you may be something completely different.

Stop overthinking, just focus on getting this one out! Then when that one is older you can think about it. There's no right or wrong though and no rush.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 10:43

Oh I know cory - sorry, my post didn't mean to sound judgemental of them - I just meant it in the sense of they were so adamant they didn't want a second child because they wanted to be able to afford to give their daughter what they could, so was surprised that after 6 years of this stance they changed their mind (hence my interest in why people choose to have a 2nd). I probably didn't make it very clear what I was trying to say. I have no problems with children being in cast-offs - I've got loads of 2nd hand baby clothes upstairs just waiting to be worn Smile

OP posts:
bigTillyMintspie · 20/12/2013 10:44

I wanted more than one because I was an onlie and I hated it. I wanted to have a family. We stuck at two as DH didn't want any more, but I would probably have had more otherwise.

DD and DS (teens) are very close although they have their bickering moments!

isitme1 · 20/12/2013 10:45

Dh spent around 8months with ds1 all together as he had a few issues in a different country and ds1 has health problems so was unable to stay with him.
Once he was able to sort everything out (visa, family etc) ds1 was 3years old.
Im a broody cow and love babies.

Ds2 is now 5months lol.
Took us around 2months to conceive. I was pg around 3weeks before dh birthday last year I think amd when his birthday came round this year we felt extra lucky to have gone from zilch to baby so quick.

Would like another in a few years.

unless im pg now Xmas Blush

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 10:46

Definitely just focus on now as you have no control over anything else and also keep one eye on yourself and your relationship too! My oldest friend has 2 She got divorced 6 yrs ago and one oh er dc the daughter is away with work. her ds now wants to go to his gf for xmas this year and she is distraught

noddyholder · 20/12/2013 10:46

We are a family Hmm

isitme1 · 20/12/2013 10:47

I found it rather hard to get my head around if I love this1 sooooo much how on eearth can I love another the same?? Was there such thing as that more love??

I know there is.
I have to amazing beautiful little boys. They may be young but they are rather close. Baby sees big bro and starts laughing and vice versa lol

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 10:48

I think the problem with the 'there's no rush' is that whilst growing up and thinking about my 'ideal family life' I always said that if I was to have more than one child I would always have them very close together in age as I do think that makes a difference in the sibling relationship, I just imagine it makes them closer - but that's solely based on my experience of my childhood with my sister (13 month age gap) as opposed to anything concrete Smile

I think that's why my sister's children argue so much - there is a 4 year age gap - and so everything her younger daughter does (aged 4) just pisses off her brother (aged 8)Grin I can't imagine how two siblings with such an age gap and of different sexes can ever have the same sibling relationship me and my sister had. My mom's sister is 7 years her junior and they aren't particularly close because like I said previously, with such an age gap you don't necessarily 'grow up together' as you are always at such different stages of your lives.

OP posts:
therunnawaybride · 20/12/2013 10:51

I have 2 and I think I'll stop there as I have a ds & dd.
having 1 child was just never an option for me I am one of four and love my db's and dsis we had so much fun together I wanted my ds to have that too hence why I had dd and I'm lucky that 9 times out of 10 they get along brilliantly and completely love each other, my son was almost 5 when dd was born and takes his big brother role very seriously! Grin The age gap worked for us though as ds had just started school so we had a good routine and separate time with dd.

Wishihadabs · 20/12/2013 10:52

But writer you still have ages even if you want a close gap !! FWIW I think you do have to work harder with sibling relationships with long gaps (especially if one is already at school when no 2 comes)

NickyNackyNooNoo · 20/12/2013 10:55

I never wanted just one, I have a DB and although we argued when it came down to it we totally look out for each other no natter what. So I wanted my DCs to have that especially when I become older and more doddery Grin

But it took 3 years to concieve DS1 so never thought DS2 would ever happen. There is only a small gap and when they were little my life was a living hell, hideous, awful and I should've gone to docs re possible PND but I never 'had time'. BUT it is fab now they have their moments and I have learnt so many things. My eldest DS has been having issues with some kids and school and his brother always sticks up for him and gives him.a pep talk. It's so lovely to see them get on they have their moments though. The initial nightmare was worth it to get to where we are now Grin

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 20/12/2013 10:56

A close gap doesn't need to be 13 months though. I think that the big thing is school years. Two school years is still very close, so depending on time of year your first is born, that can easily be 2.5 years by the calendar. Which is masses of time to make a decision once your baby is here. Don't put pressure on yourself to be making a forever decision about a sibling by the time your first child is 3 months old!

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 20/12/2013 10:58

none of the reasons you gave in your op.

For me, I just wanted another one!

Not for a sibling for my pfb, not for having a baby to play with, not for a 'mini me'

Just a plain old animal, biological urge to reproduce. I needed to have another child. I wanted to have another child. I HAD to have another child!

Granted, I would probably have waited more than 6 months after giving birth the first time Grin but things happen. Particularly if you're careless Grin and that's why there's 15 months between my two. But although that gap wasn't planned, having 2 children certainly was. Actually, we planned 3 but had to rethink as both our children have disabilities.

It's been fine. Some fun, some stress, lots of love and laughter and it works for us. Love them both to death.

They fight. But they also play happily together.

People should have as many or as few children as they want to, are able to or can afford and other people's reasons for the size of their families are, well, fairly irrelevant in any decision making process for the size of someone else's family. The only thing anyone should think about when deciding how many kids to have is what is going to work best for me, in my situation.

loveolives · 20/12/2013 10:58

I don't find two that hard at all really. We wanted another because we wanted to, can afford it and wanted a sibling for our son. Couldn't imagine just having one child.

OrganixAddict · 20/12/2013 10:59

I have 3 because I came from a family of 4 and love my siblings and the support they offer me.

I also have fantastic memories of growing up with them. My DH is an only and he was adamant that, if we could, we would have more than 1.

Dds 1 & 2 were the easiest babies / toddlers ever. They are best friends now and love each other. The only rival for their affections is dd3 and to see them play together, care for each other etc brings a tear to my eye.

Life would be quieter and easier for me with only 1 yes. But I think my children are gaining a lot from having siblings and that will last longer than the trouble of diffusing rows and extra washing will.