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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you'd have more than one child?

309 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:19

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home Grin

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP Smile

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe??? Smile

OP posts:
RalphRecklessCardew · 20/12/2013 13:00

Being an only child is fine, being one of two is fine, being one of many is fine. Unless you're a miserable duffer and then whatever you are you'll find a way to blame it. There. That's that sorted.

HaleyDunphy · 20/12/2013 13:01

Just wanted to add that I was an only child for a good wack of my childhood (more than 6 years) and it was wonderful! Grin seriously though, I was happy and never felt lonely.

Fast forward to now, and there's a significant different in mine and my sibling's ages but I am so grateful for her. Sure, I'm looking after her a lot of the time (as is the way when you are the significantly older sibling) and guiding her. And sometimes wanting her to fuck off and sort herself out.

I'm grateful because when my dad died, I didn't get the chance to feel alone. She was there too, feeling it too, remembering the memories too, and it was easier to support my mom with someone else helping to carry the load.

God bless that little shit Grin

WhataSook · 20/12/2013 13:03

Really? It's selfish to expect your DC to look after you when you need? What the fuck is wrong with people...of course we should look after our DP and I say that as someone who lives on the other side of the world from DP with my DM having a condition that will need care for. I have every intention of moving home when the time comes and DH knows this.

No fucking way I'd rely on the utter shit that isthe NHS in my old age...

FantasticThreealmost · 20/12/2013 13:15

How do you know you have done everything you can to prevent it?

I've had more than one child. That's as much as I can do.

By having three I hope that at least two of them will be there for each other. Like I said I can't guarantee it but if the choice was to have one child or none - and place the responsibility of care solely on that child's shoulders - having been through what I have, I would probably opt for none.

But that's with the hindsight of having cared for two elderly parents as an only child. If I was a mum to an only child, who hadn't cared for her parents yet - well, I would probably be outraged at that suggestion as well.

JRmumma · 20/12/2013 13:18

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if im repeating.

I'm like you OP. I have 1 4mo, don't see myself having another at the moment. All of your reasons are the same things I think about. Having another would make life harder not least financially, but also just day to day and id quite like a relatively easy and comfortable life.

Ive never been broody per se, i chose to have a child because i wanted one and felt the time was right for us/me. HOWEVER im under no illusion that i wont ever change my mind and want another, its not set in stone and I'm not sitting here for the next couple of years trying to convince myself either way. For me its not going to be a set out life plan, we'll just see what happens.

FantasticThreealmost · 20/12/2013 13:21

Ephiny - I have been stood on a ward twice now and the doctor has asked me if I would like a DNR placed on my mums notes. I've seen the DNR sign above her bed after I've decided that ending my mothers suffering would be in her best interest.

The doctor also thinks this is the best course of action but it wouldn't have been placed without my consent.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/12/2013 13:41

Yes Amrapaali that's about it. I think Ephiny it is seriously misguided to imagine that we or our parents would be adequately cared for in old age by the state/ health service.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 20/12/2013 13:44

Of course, it's absolutely fine to choose to have one, it's just a different dynamic IMO. Much like having, say, five would be a totally different dynamic to having two.

See my post at Thu 19-Dec-13 21:31:10 :)

I reckon the majority of parents want children rather than a child, because the majority of people grew up with siblings and it's their "normal" which is a huge influence. That doesn't mean of course that everybody who grew up with siblings wants children whereas everyone who grew up as an only child wants a child, but it forms your "base line" so to speak and your opinions are formed on top of that.

I loved pregnancy so that is a factor for me as well. I can see it wouldn't be as attractive a prospect if you hate the whole 9 months as well as the crowning part!

laughingeyes2013 · 20/12/2013 14:35

Noddyholder - why was that insulting? I'm missing something there!

Also you misread my post. I actually said having more than one child can share the burden of an ill parent, nothing about being forced to care for them.

I wasn't talking about my children having to look after me - I didn't offer my opinion on that topic.

No, I was talking about the burden of sorrow when you see someone you love suffer with a disease like multiple sclerosis.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/12/2013 15:26

I wanted to have a big noisy busy family, and with three sons that's what I got. I've been lucky enough not to have any money worries so this hasn't been an influence on family size. I found Going from 0 to 1 child is 100 times more of a adjustment than 1 to 2 or 2 to 3. My DC are nearly all grown up now and I just love them hanging out together and having each other. I've been very lucky.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 15:30

I haven't read the whole thread but wanting to have another would have been if I'd had the same longing for a baby that I felt when I wanted to try for our first.

As it was, I felt fulfilled by having one, never hot that overwhelming longing for another. Luckily my hubby felt the same way although I had to wait for 3 years before my husband also wanted to try for a baby and that was tough at times.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 15:33

The more you have, the more chance of one of them achieving fame and fortune and keeping you in your old age, of course!

ChrisTheSheep · 20/12/2013 15:34

I'm an only myself, and, though I had a lovely childhood, I didn't want DS1 to be on his own. Mind you, now DS2 is on the horizon, I'm bricking it a bit...

merrymouse · 20/12/2013 15:34

I don't expect to provide care for my parents

Everybody I know expects to care for elderly relatives. It's just what you do - it's not about burdens, it's about being part of a family group.

Obviously not every family will do this, but I do think it is very much the norm, whether you are actively caring for them, or paying/organising for somebody else to do so.

Bumpsadaisie · 20/12/2013 15:35

Double the joy! Mine are 4 and 2 and as thick as thieves. They love playing together. Yes there is the odd argument about a toy but generally they are a delight. And it means I don't have to entertain them too!!

I certainly don't identify with the scenario at your sisters.

Bumpsadaisie · 20/12/2013 15:37

It's hard work too with just one , OP. They look to you for all companionship and entertainment !

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 15:49

See if you identify with the arguing when they are older bump Grin
They just continually wind each other up - it's just infuriating. The 4 year old thinks her behaviour is hilarious whilst the 8 year old just thinks it's childish Smile It is only over the last 12-18 months their relationship has become one of annoyance with each other, prior to that they got on very well and seemed to like each other Grin This is why I think the age gap is a big issue between my sisters children, it doesn't enable them to have the same interests, especially being opposite sex too. Her eldest is now always saying he wishes he didn't have a sister - I tell him all the time that when he is older he will love his sister more and it's just hard at the minute because she isn't as grown up as he is, but of course he is 100% convinced she is the worst person in the world Grin

They are lovely children but oh my Lord, when they start on each other I just want to run away... Grin

OP posts:
jeanmiguelfangio · 20/12/2013 16:00

I was a one until my parents split when I was 15, now I have step siblings. I didn't mind it and my DD will be a one too. I don't deal with motherhood awfully well. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby with every part of me, but I have absolutely no desire to do this again. And that's ok. My SIL has a 2yo and a 3 month old. It's not for me thanks

Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/12/2013 16:00

The age gap gets smaller as they get older, 24 and 28 is hardly any gap.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 16:10

I know creamy - I'm specifically talking about the age gaps in young childhood and how it can affect the bond the children share. I think it's probably why my DH and his brother don't get on - they have a 7 year age gap and apart from living in the same house and eating meals together, they had no active role in each other's life. My DH is the eldest son and I often wonder if his parents only intended to have the one as they openly say DH's brother was an accident - I imagine if they had planned to have more than one child they would have had another one whilst my DH was much younger. I will have to ask them one day.

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/12/2013 16:21

I think it just depends a lot on luck if siblings get on. I have a 10 year gap and a 21 month gap and my DC have always got on really well.

BlingBang · 20/12/2013 16:29

Epiphany - I don't really understand you unless you hadhhorrible parents. We weren't necessarily expected to care for our parents but when my mum fell ill and was dying of course I wanted to be there caring for her because I loved her. I wanted to be there when she took her last breath. It was natural and a privilege.

Your views are quite strange if you love your parents.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 20/12/2013 16:31

I think you can over analyse age gaps. DH spent a lot of time with his siblings, although there is quite an age gap and their relationship was semi-parental in childhood. OTOH I am close in age to my brother and we aren't particularly. We get on, but not close.

jamdonut · 20/12/2013 16:32

I was an only child for 8.5 years. Then my mum had my sister. She was a nightmare from the word go.
So much distress has been caused over the years by her, that I no longer am in contact with her.

It makes me feel guilty,and my mum,(when she was alive),hated that we didn't get along, although she understood perfectly why. I don't wish her ill. I just don't want her to be part of my life.

It is why I have always encouraged my 3 to try and get along. They have massive fallings out,sometimes, but in the end they are pretty good friends and look out for each other,which is nice.

You just can't predict family relationships, you really can't.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 20/12/2013 16:33

Regarding age gaps, any number of things can be behind a big age gap. They may say his brother is a surprise, but there could be financial reasons, or infertility, or remember that people rarely talked about miscarriage in the past.

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