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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you'd have more than one child?

309 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:19

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home Grin

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP Smile

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe??? Smile

OP posts:
merrymouse · 19/12/2013 21:41

Why have any children all? Because from your point of view the negatives are outweighed by positives.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/12/2013 21:41

Watching my children's relationships with each other develop and grow has been one of the great unexpected joys of being a parent (I'm an only child). Even at quite a young age, they really depend on and support each other, and although there are fights, they are generally very happy in each other's company. And, if you are at all interested in people and what makes them tick, seeing how they are similar and how they differ (there are three of them) is just fascinating.

FixItUpChappie · 19/12/2013 21:47

Sure it can be hard work but everything worth having is hard work

^^This. Kids can be a pain but you love them so much. Ours have given my DH and I immeasurable joy and depth of purpose. Its very tempting to have more IMO Grin

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 19/12/2013 21:49

I was an only child til I was 11. I was very lonely, used to have lots of imaginary brothers and sisters, was jealous of my friends who had siblings to play indoors with when the weather was shite whilst I was stuck playing in my room by myself pretending I had siblings.

I knew I'd never just have one child because I wouldn't want them to be lonely. I have 2 boys and would very happily have another 2!

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 21:49

Now mine are adults it is lovely to see them having a relationship and seeing each other without me.
I liked giving birth so much that I immediately wanted to do it again!

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 19/12/2013 21:49

I had one ds, and after a horrific birth, was sure he would be the only one.

Then when he was about 3, his total awesomeness as a lovely little human being overcame the birth trauma, and the thought of him not having a sibling, for the various reasons given by pp, was upsetting. Especially the thought of him being alone after DH and I die.

It took until he was 6 (ds2 is 7 weeks old now!) for his brother to be born. I'm already thinking whether we should have dc3 or not. My ds1 loves his little brother so much already. I'm just a bit sad it took so long to get pregnant and they are not closer in age, but in a way it was nice for ds1 to have us alone for so long, and he can be really involved with ds2 as he is that bit older.

Ultimately, people do what's right for them, whatever number of DC that means. Nobody will know what is right for you.

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 21:50

It is also sad for the grandchildren to have no aunts, uncles and cousins.

BlingBang · 19/12/2013 21:52

Having children usually is selfish, if you choose it. Nothing wrong with all the reasons stated whether it's the heir and spare or whatever. Not depressing at all but real life.

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 19/12/2013 21:54

What I will say is that this time it's been a lot easier and I've enjoyed these first 7 weeks more than I did with ds1, and I'd never have thought that possible.
In fact that's why we are already thinking we may try for a dc3 in 12-18 months.
Number 2 baby has found me a lot more laid back than number 1.

BikeRunSki · 19/12/2013 21:57

I have 3 siblings, and whilst we squabbled as children, I couldn't imagine not having them now. I truly believe that there is nothing comparable to a shared childhood, and they those relationships have been very important in forming me.

This is why I endured another hyperemisis pg at 40 so that dS could have a sibling. I jokingly say " I don't want to be 50 and playing football on the beach because he hasn't got anyone else", but I guess I am using "football on the beach" to represent many other things.

Fishandjam · 19/12/2013 22:00

Because I'm an only, and dealing with the fallout and responsibilities which happen when your only remaining parent develops galloping Alzheimer's is truly awful when you're on your own.

And for my DC to have someone to have shared history with. Again, I don't have that.

They may not get on - I accept that. But at least they have the opportunity, which would be denied my DS if I'd stopped at one.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 22:01

I'm also genuinely baffled by how people afford them, lol Grin

Me and DH have what we consider an average joint income: £53'000 year before tax so we know it certainly isn't a lot, but nor do we consider it particularly low - yet I can't fathom how we could even afford more than one child. We have been looking at childcare costs and paying for one is manageable, but if we had to put two children in childcare we'd be bankrupt....

OP posts:
MincedMuffPies · 19/12/2013 22:05

I always wanted 2. I always had a horrible feeling that DD might die to. I wanted a family and didn't feel me and dd together were one.

Lilka · 19/12/2013 22:29

I always wanted 4

My 3 siblings are very important to me, and growing up as 1 of 4, I couldn't imagine only having 1 child

I now have 3 children, one adult (who now has children of her own), one older teenager and one 8 year old

Becoming a parent is the best decision I have ever made, and it's been so so hard but so so rewarding. Very worth it, and so I was very keen to do it all again!

Watching my oldest and youngest together is amazing - they have a very close bond and never fight. Middle child doesn't always get on well with her siblings but still, thy are siblings and they love each other

I have an income of under £100 a week, and I make it work. We can't afford any luxuries, but we have what we need and that's enough for us. I didn't work until my youngest started primary school though, so I wasn't paying for childcare

Rhubarbgarden · 19/12/2013 22:35

Amrapaali I don't think anyone has stated care in their old age as a reason to have a child. All the references to aged parents are to do with sharing the load and understanding during bereavement. It's about making the inevitable more bearable for the child, not an insurance policy for the parent.

GingerbreadGillian · 19/12/2013 22:37

You're right about having two in childcare. We were better off with me not working than having two in a nursery!

I wasn't on minimum wage or anything either, it was prohibitive. I have just gone back to work after several years being a SAHM. Now that the eldest is in school we can afford the childcare for the younger one.

That said I'm so thankful we had another. I'd love more but it wasn't to be.

GingerbreadGillian · 19/12/2013 22:42

For us, we had a second because we love them and they bring us more joy than we thought possible. All the squabbling and financial expense is a drop in the ocean compared to the love and joy they bring.

There are loads of other reasons I could give too but basically it boils down to how much we love and cherish them.

Fishandjam · 19/12/2013 22:45

What rhubarbgarden just said.

monicalewinski · 19/12/2013 22:45

I always wanted 2. My family moved a lot when I was young and I always had my sister as a friend when we went somewhere new; me and my husband are in a job where we move a lot, so I always said I'd have 2 so they had each other.

They fight like nothing on earth a lot of the time, but they also have a massively strong bond and are fiercely protective of each other. When they're not fighting they are best friends.

Financially, I don't think you'd ever have kids if you tried to work out if you could afford it. I worked more or less for free for about 3 years as nearly all my wages went on childcare, but it gets loads cheaper once they start school so I actually see my wages again now (finally!).

fuzzpig · 19/12/2013 22:50

I made the decision that I would love more than one child, before we even had our first.

It wasn't really anything to do with wanting another baby specifically, I was never really interested in the baby phase (although I do miss it now they are far out of it).

It is purely because I was a very lonely only (not through choice, mum had MCs after me). Very simplistic I know, and TBH my family is so messed up I may have been just as miserable (or more so) with a sibling. But I decided quite young that if I had DCs I would hopefully have more than one.

And I've been very very lucky to have two, would actually love more but can't (health/money etc) so two it is!

They do bicker sometimes and there are times when it's stressful of course, but I wouldn't change it for anything. They are incredibly close (DD6, DS4, 2 years 2 months between them), very similar in their interests and mannerisms, and they absolutely adore each other. It's amazing, seeing them curl up together on the couch or hearing them so excited to see each other when they wake up in the morning, how proud DD is of her little brother and seeing her teach him things, it's just MAGIC, it really is incredible, I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me TBH. I guess it would seem more normal, if I'd had a sibling relationship myself, because I just can't imagine being that close to anyone in that way. But it still feels new and amazing and frankly I just melt seeing them together.

So that's why :o

radiatormesh · 19/12/2013 22:51

Because I wasn't done. I couldn't imagine never having another first scan and seeing that heartbeat for the very first time. Or never again feeling that first kick. Or never meeting my baby for the very first time. Or hearing my baby laugh for the first time. Etc. Etc.

The fact that seeing the two of them play together is just beautiful, as is seeing the adoration in DC2's eyes when he sees DC1 do something he can't yet manage, wasn't a factor, although it was in our decision to start ttc#3 soon.

#1 and #2 were because I wanted a baby. #3 is because I want my children to have another sibling.

Mumof22222boys · 19/12/2013 23:02

My 2 get on fantastically well although little one can be v annoying. They are 7 and 9. Occasionally thought about no. 3 but we are happy as we are. Financially it would be more difficult although not impossible.

I always wanted children in a relaxed kind of way, even though my brother and I didn't get on as children. We are now close. When my mum died I saw how important we were to my dad...and that was one possibly selfish reason to ha e kids.

FeckOffCupofMulledWine · 19/12/2013 23:08

I have a DD who I love with all my heart but at the moment I don't feel the need to have another. As she's moved through each stage of reflux, teething, potty training and come out the other side my overwhelming feeling has been relief that I don't have to do that again. I love the little person she is now she is no longer a baby, I love the fact I can have a conversation with her and don't have to guess what she wants and the older she gets the more I can't face the thought of going back to sleepless nights and buckets of milky puke again.

Both me and DH have a sibling who we are not close to and only see once in a blue moon, would never think to phone up for a chat etc. DH's sibling didn't even meet DD until she was 9 weeks old. Having a sibling is no guarantee of a close bond and I socialise DD with children of friends and different group activities almost every day.

I also hated pregnancy and had an awful birth, long labour with a 4 hour pushing stage ending in traumatic forceps birth without epidural which left me quite poorly afterwards, I'm not keen to repeat that with an older child to have to run after as well as a newborn.

It's an individual choice, I always thought I would have more than one but I don't have a yearning for a second child the way I did for the first and for me personally I wouldn't have another child unless I was very sure I wanted one as I don't think that would be fair on anyone involved.

thebody · 19/12/2013 23:54

Op we had 2 boys 16 months apart.

9 years later we had 2 dds 18 months apart.

We blame wine.

Dds are teens now and lads in 20s. It's been a roller coaster. Grin

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/12/2013 00:01

Well neither of mine were planned but both welcome surprises and i would have more. Yes there are stresses but i am very lucky to have two healthy children and there is some sort of magic box of joy within children that is addictive. There is a lot of fun to be had with children and the first 3 years with each of my dcs were the happiest years of my life. If i could relive those years over and over i would.

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