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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you'd have more than one child?

309 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 19/12/2013 20:19

I'm just curious as to the reason you decided to have your 2nd child (in scenarios where the 2nd baby was planned).

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and her 2 children and bloody hell, listening to them argue and bicker constantly was just mind numbing - I could have screamed. She's there shouting at them, they're getting upset, she's telling me what a nightmare it is when they don't get on etc etc. I'm sure my sister isn't the only parent to be in this situation. I was at breaking point just listening to them, at least I had the freedom to get in my car and drive home Grin

From my experiences of talking to parents with more than one child they always seem to have more worries - be it the cost of bringing up two children compared to one, sibling rivalry, sharing their time between them fairly, family favourites, siblings that hurt/hate each other etc. I feel exhausted just listening to some parents when they tell me the stresses of having more than one child.

All that goes through my head is, "So why have another?"

Is it that you wanted a sibling for your current child?
Or that you missed having a baby around the house?
Or that you just love having mini versions of you and your DH/DP Smile

And is having two (or more) as stressful as I'm led to believe??? Smile

OP posts:
ouryve · 20/12/2013 00:04

I was set against a second, but got pregnant anyway. Then lost it at 7 weeks. I realised at that point that I definitely wanted a second child, though.

lookingfoxy · 20/12/2013 00:07

I find 2 children very hard, however if im honest the reason I had a second child was so that ds would not be an only child and would have a close relative when im gone, plus I got my much wanted girl Grin
I hope things work out the way ive planned and both are married with loads of kids before I pop off!!!

JohnCusacksWife · 20/12/2013 00:08

We've got 2 wonderful girls and I'd have gone on to have another if I was younger. Seeing our girls play together is the joy of my heart and I can't imagine life without one of them....it would be so quiet. And (I know I'll be flamed for this) a singleton misses out on so much....our girls are a tight wee team and no amount of friends at school makes up for the bond they have as sisters together. DD1 was only 11 mths old when I fell pregnant, against all the odds, with DD2 and I remember crying to my mum that, while I was delighted, I was also scared it would take some love or attention away from DD1....and my mum said "love doesn't divide, it multiplies" and that was so true. Each to their own and all that but children are so wonderful that I wonder why anyone would stop at 1, given a choice.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/12/2013 00:18

Johncusack i also had the same worry when pg with ds2. It seems nuts to think of it now but at the time i just couldnt understand how i would love the new baby and worried i woulnt be able to because he wasnt ds1. Madness i know as from day 1 i was in love with him but it was how i felt.

Lj8893 · 20/12/2013 00:18

Me and my dp were always adamant we only wanted one child.

Now we have our dd we already know we want another one and she's only 7 weeks!!

A few weeks after she was born I was shopping with my mum and we started talking to a shop assistant, she was asking about my dd etc. somehow it came up in conversation that i didn't want another, and she said oh my god you must!! My mum agreed and said when her mum (my dgm) died, the support her and her siblings gave each other was incredible and the shop assistant said she was an only child and when her mother and father passed away, she wished she had had a sibling to share the grief with.

That conversation alone changed my mind about having an only child.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 00:23

So do people think its wrong for parents not provide siblings? I feel like people who only have one are being accused of inflicting a lonely and sad life on their child.... Hmm

OP posts:
SamHamwidge · 20/12/2013 00:32

i only have one, no chance of another and am feeling a bit miffed at some of the slightly smug comments on this thread.

My bond with my DD is lovely, even if I was in a position to have another I'm not sure I would.

BigBirthdayGloom · 20/12/2013 00:38

Because babies are addictive! I have stopped at three but lord, there is absolutely nothing as amazing and surreal as being pregnant, giving birth and having a newborn snoozing on your chest. I love my children, I will always love them but the newborn time is what made me desperate for a third. Note-had I not wanted all the other bits too we would have stopped at two.

mydaftlass · 20/12/2013 00:49

They are hard work.
But I get to love two awesome little people.
And they really, really love each other.

thebody · 20/12/2013 00:53

It's not wrong to have one child. It's choice. We had 4 that's our choice.

CheshireDing · 20/12/2013 01:25

We have 2 - the second being only 3 weeks old. We had No2 as pfb is so lovely and funny we wanted another little one to spread the crazyness.

There is no denying we are knackered though.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 20/12/2013 01:27

I was an only child - it was more good than bad but I still wanted more than one child myself.

Then DD came along. Pregnancy and labour were pretty grim, compounded by PND and other health issues post-natally, which weren't resolved until she was 3.5 - about the time I'd have considered trying again in theory.

Except I got made redundant whilst on sick leave after having surgery which meant it wasn't an option financially.

Whilst all of this was going on however, I honestly never felt a desperate urge to have another and neither did DH. I think by that stage we'd seen more benefits you sticking at one (for us - everyone's different. A major sticking point for me would have been the logistics of being a working mum - I'd have either had to arrange hours to suit DD or to suit a younger sibling so one would have got short changed.

I love the fact that the spare time and resources we have can be be devoted to her, that we don't have to constantly worry about being fair, or hold back from doing something with one child because the other one isn't the right age/wouldn't enjoy it/it's too expensive (all complaints I regularly hear from my friends with two or more).

But the overriding factor was always simply not feeling broody again, or not enough to do anything about it!

Just have this baby, enjoy him or her and see what happens and how you feel a bit further down the line. I really don't think you can second guess how you'll feel about having more than one child until you have the first one!

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest · 20/12/2013 02:01

Because I need one to wash and one to dry?

Grin

I have one DD. Jury's still out on another.

cory · 20/12/2013 09:03

For me, the sheer joy of having dc around far outweighs any extra trouble.

Besides, dd and ds actually like each other, they have fun together, they don't argue much and they have supported each other through some horrendous times. I don't feel that guilty about one of them occasionally having to give way to the other: doesn't do them any harm and there are plenty of compensations.

I like my brothers too, have happy memories of childhood and always enjoy meeting up with them again.

I wouldn't feel guilty if I'd only had one either: my dn, who is an only, has a good quality of life too. But every child doesn't have to have an absolutely identical life, there are more ways than one to find fulfilment.

There is no rule that says you have to have more than one- or indeed that you have to have children at all. But for some of us, it's definitely the right thing.

Wishihadabs · 20/12/2013 09:14

Writer why don't you chill out and enjoy your very special 1st pregnancy ? I honestly think you are over thinking this one. I'm not trying to patronize you, but at your current stage you can't possibly know if you will want to provide your dc1 with a sibling or have an overwhelming desire to repeat the whole pregnancy/birth/new born thing. We are all different my bf says she would have had more if she could have skipped the pregnancy and gone straight to age 3. I would relive the pregnancy to 2 bit over and over forever, but don't think I could cope with a third pre-school child.

LiegeAndLief · 20/12/2013 09:22

Dh is an only child and he insisted we had 2.

I think a sibling is a very special person because they're the only people who will be a constant fixture in your life. Parents die and friends and partners may come and go, children only arrive a lot later on. I know some people don't get on with or see their siblings so it won't be the case for everyone but on the whole i think it's true.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 09:24

I certainly have no desire to repeat pregnancy, lol. I have been signed off since I was 10 weeks pregnant due to recurrent episodes of unexplained bleeding and and now due to my own health deteriorating (my heart isn't coping too well) I'm signed off permanently. I'm now under 3 Specialists, I'm medicated and have to go in to hospital every 3-4 weeks for monitoring. I know I've got to have an ELCS and they are anticipating problems with my health after the birth too Hmm Me and DH have said that if this baby comes out healthy and I get through it too then we will count our blessings and just stop at the one Smile

But maybe part of me isn't comfortable with that decision? And when I read all the posts about the good experiences of having more than one it makes me wonder whether we are being selfish at deciding to just have one. But is it worth risking my health all over again....I don't know....

But at the same time - I genuinely just don't think I would want a second one anyway. I seriously am baffled why people do it sometimes. Maybe I just need reassurance that it's normal to feel like this and that just because I don't want the 2.4 scenario and just because I don't have urges to have lots of children it doesn't mean that I'm bad mother material. Though some posts on here kind of imply that.

I do think there is 'something' out there that in society that makes people frown upon people who only have 1 child and wonder what the 'sinister' reason behind it is......as though women who don't want more are 'odd' in some way??

OP posts:
LiegeAndLief · 20/12/2013 09:27

Also, I am not close to my brother, he lives far away and I see him once or twice a year. But I love him and I know that if there is ever a problem with our parents he'll be there to do it with me.

thegreylady · 20/12/2013 09:32

When I was little I invented a sister, her name was Sylvia and she was older than me. I lied about her to my friends who, thank goodness, were very understanding when the truth came out.
I had wonderful parents and extended family and I was lucky to have close relationships with my cousins but I yearned for a sibling of my own. If I had been an only child of only children it would have been very hard.
I am sorry for my dgd who is an only- her parents' choice.

thegreylady · 20/12/2013 09:34

If it is your health that is the reason then of course you should stop at one. Do what is best for your family and that would never include losing you!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 09:35

A lot of people keep saying how they wanting to provide siblings and how unfair they would feel if they chose to keep their child as an 'only'..

This kind if implies they had their second child for the sake of their first one, not because they themselves actually wanted another??

OP posts:
Wingebag · 20/12/2013 09:37

We have 1 DD together & DSD who lives hundreds of miles away.

I am an only & would argue DD will have the best of both worlds - she has our full attention most of the time, but also has a big sister who adores her & vice versa.

I would like to stay as we are but DH thinks DD will get lonely (I didn't!) & would love a boy. (He does know we don't get to pick Wink)

We shall see.

BlingBang · 20/12/2013 09:37

Well your situation is different as you have health problems so might be very sensible to stop at one anyway and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Plenty of folk are happy being an only and there are advantages.

Saying that, don't know why you are getting shirty and giving the raised eyebrow faces - you did start this thread asking what was good about having more than one child.

Growing up it was very very rare to be a only child so it did seem strange to most people I know. Having siblings was just expected and probably what nature usually was predisposed to.

Fakebook · 20/12/2013 09:38

I only tried for dc2 because I got broody. Dd was unplanned and before her I'd never felt broodiness or a need for a baby. We had 2 years of troubles getting there and towards the end I wanted a baby so much it hurt me. I can't explain it. I think if it hadn't been for the broodiness I would never have had dc2. We had dc3 because I got broody again once DS got to 6 months.
Having one baby definitely did something to my hormones. I've always loved children but I never thought in a million years I'd have 3 of my own.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 09:38

greylady - I'm not sure my health is the reason. Even before I get pregnant me and DH were very much of the "one will be enough for us" stance. I just can't help but feel that couples who make that decision are looked down upon or judged and I don't understand why (though some responses have enlightened me somewhat). That's why I started the thread, I'm just interested in what 'triggers' people to have more and what the general thoughts are on only children Smile

OP posts: