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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spent £110 on DGS1 (5) this Christmas and £16 on DGS2 (8 months)?

281 replies

Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 16:29

Sounds horrendous but

DGS1 has cerebral palsy and has a special place in my heart.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

DGS2 will probably be happier with the boxes and paper! Xmas Grin

I'm just hoping my DD and DSIL will see this or will they think I have BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:25

Muppet. Do you think his mother doesn't give a toss? Believe it or not, we both want the best for both boys!

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:27

I don't know why you started an AIBU thread when you are utterly adamant that you are not

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:27

Unless its a reverse

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 18/12/2013 18:28

What will happen when your other grown up children have kids OP? Will they also not be as special? what if your other DGC have disabilities? What then?

My grandparents hugely favour my DSis (oldest of 4). we get given gifts (they won't leave us anything, they want to see us enjoy them), and my sister got a very valuable, much loved and saved for ring that meant the entire world to my grandma. next cousin got a slightly less valuable, but also long had, long saved for ring. me and my younger cousin got one's she picked up from the market. Now, there's no malice there, and my grandparents would be horrified if they realised how it feels, but there you go.

I agree on the disparity in spending in terms of material goods, but that's not really what this is about. I always had my sister's old things, and when it came to the 4 of us cousins they had been 2 other people's things first. It shouldn't matter, but it does. Your DGC are equals. However, clearly your heart is in the right [place so if you just take a look from outside it will all be fine Xmas Smile

TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 18/12/2013 18:28

Of course I don't think his mother doesn't give a toss. What I do think is that from your posts on here, you appear to be over stepping the normal grandparent/parent boundaries like a ten tonne elephant. You just don't get it, do you?

maddening · 18/12/2013 18:30

money towards baby activity eg baby swim lessons or family activities (Zoo membership/ national trust etc which the whole family can enjoy all year (especially getting out and about in summer with the baby)

DustyBaubles · 18/12/2013 18:31

Well clearly we all have unresolved issues with childhood jealously allnew , whereas the OP is a paragon of righteousness and is not BU at all. Grin

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:31

Baggeti. The boys adore each other. DGS 2 crawls over and 'kisses' DGS 1 and DGS 1 lights up like a Christmas tree to see his baby brother!

I will reiterate I will make sure neither GS is left out of my will or one neglected in favour of the other.

I love them both dearly but I can't help that my heart is pulled towards the older boy.

I have taken what people have said on board (apart from the trolls!) and am happy about the financial disparity THIS YEAR ONLY. I'll make sure the baby has plenty of boxes and paper!

OP posts:
TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 18/12/2013 18:31

And once again, you spectacularly miss the point...

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:31

Agree maddening. But I think for the OP (if genuine) this is more about making a point of making it up to DGC1

IamInvisible · 18/12/2013 18:32

Your attitude is appalling IMO.

Your DGS1 has his mum too.

Those of us who are telling you about our issues with favouritism are doing so because it hurts and it makes you feel worthless, it zaps your confidence. I still don't feel like I am fucking good enough and I am 43 in a couple of months.

I don't have to imagine what it is like not to walk unaided because I can't. It is shit. No amount of presents will make up for that.

You need to treat both of your grandchildren the same. They will notice from a very young age if you don't. My DS1 is 19 now, he can remember things from when he was 2!

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:33

"I love them both dearly but I can't help that my heart is pulled towards the older boy"

So you love one DGC more than the other. Nice. Glad we got that clear.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:33

Annalouise. You do not know me and I resent your saying I don't love both GC.

I know how I feel and the baby is not neglected or sidelined by me or anyone. It's just a very different situation from the norm.

OP posts:
TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 18/12/2013 18:35

You said it though, your words, not ours.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:35

Boys from. I think my son is gay so no GCs there! Grin. And DD says no more!

OP posts:
HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas · 18/12/2013 18:35

Have read this through and cannot understand why you posted an AIBU, OP when you only want validation - and seem to think all those who disagree with you are "projecting".

A lot of people think you are not behaving in a balanced way, and it is your right to ignore them all.
But really....what was the point in asking.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:36

Maddening. I am ashamed to say I spend money on my GSs all year not just birthdays and Christmas. The baby has a lovely phil and teds I bought Blush

OP posts:
muchadoaboutsomething · 18/12/2013 18:38

I think you are getting a really hard time here. I also think that provided both dgs know how loved they are you can avoid resentment over material things like a house. Which is after all just a material thing.

My parents bought my sister's house for her. They helped with mine but we bought it. And do you know what that's fine as we both want them to do what's best and trust them, and each other, to level the playing field between us when they can. We didn't have to think about it when we were younger and now I would help my sister buy a house if need be and I had the money which she will never have because of what I chose to do for a living compared to what she does. Both professions but my earning power is huge and I believe in redistribution of wealth even between siblings.

Dgs1 will need more, we don't know what but if the family can level the playing field with love and care resentment need not matter and I personally suspect that dgs2 will in time be the biggest advocate for making sure dgs1 gets what he needs, even at a cost to himself as that's what loving family do. And ime what they do particularly well. Care obviously needs to be taken with sharing time, love and care between the dgs, but lots and lots of people manage this well, and I believe you and your daughter will do just this as I know how much both dgs are loved by you all.

AChristmassyJerseySpud · 18/12/2013 18:38

So anyone who doesn't agree with you or thinks you a BU is a troll.

Ok then.

hoppinghare · 18/12/2013 18:39

I think that is fine. I have a bigger difference in spending between my own kids. I have only bought my baby one small toy as she has all her brother's and sister's toys as your GS has and she won't even notice people are getting gifts just as your GS won't. No point in buying a load of stuff similar to what he already has if he won't even realise he is getting a present. And I think it is fine to have a special place in your heart for your GS1. If his CP is making it difficult for him to even use toys why shouldn't he have the one slight advantage in life of being his gran's favourite? So many other things are against him.

Fairylea · 18/12/2013 18:41

Be very careful your dd doesn't pick up on this.

I have two dc, a dd aged 10 and a son aged 18 months. My mum worships the ground my dd walks on but even though she makes every effort to convey that with my son I know she doesn't feel the same
It is transparent to see. I am actually reducing contact with my mum (and therefore her with the dcs) because of it.

Both gdc need to be treated and loved exactly the same.

HicDraconis · 18/12/2013 18:42

Actually it's not that different a situation from lots of peoples "norms".

And you are setting your dgs2 up for a lifetime of resentment, jealousy, guilt - I can see why you're so protective of dgs1, you've been heavily involved in his care for 5 years. It seems very unfair that he won't have the options and choices dgs2 will have purely for being born neuro typical.

And it's ok to feel like that!

What's not ok, never ok, is to show it as obviously as you are. And I repeat - were I your DD, until you'd learned not to show your preference, you wouldn't be getting near either boy.

This has nothing to do with the $ for Christmas presents - my ds1 had far more spent on him than ds2 on ds2's first Christmas (ds2 was 3 weeks old). Everything to do with your refusal to see that your actions are screaming to dgs2 he's not as important, not as deserving, as dgs1 because he's NT.

And if you really can't see how damaging that is then I am sad for all of you.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:46

Muchado. You have actually been the first person to see it's not about favouritism but about love.

Love is infinite. It doesn't have boundaries like money and houses. I have enough love, care and time for both my grandchildren and because I know the loving dynamics of all my family, especially my daughter and her DH, I know without any doubt that both boys will always feel loved and treasured and valued.

If a bunch of sad people just can't get it then that's their problem.

I'm happy that plenty of others do Smile

OP posts:
revivingshower · 18/12/2013 18:49

You have got a real flaming on here op but that is aibu for you and kudos to you for staying on here and answering posts.
Well I think maybe you should take on board the general agreement that it is wrong to favouritise one child even if they do have SN.
YY to dgs1 remaining your special boy, while dgs2 becomes your other special boy. They will have different needs and you will be able to help each of them in different ways. For example I know someone who has to spend a lot of time in hospital with one dc and the gran helps out looking after the others at home while she is away.
But yes financially try to be fair, would you really have only spent £16 on dgs2 if he was your only dgs and had loads of stuff already? Probably not.
Also you can see how ppl feel about leaving the house, this could create bad feeling in the family. Why not leave it to the dc and let them make provision for his future, maybe he will be at home with his mum for many years and she can more easily access the money to care for him if it is hers, rather than tied up in a trustfund or something.
You will have to be a pretty tough person to take advice from this aibu but if you do you will be sensible and create a better relationship with your family.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 18/12/2013 19:03

This is a really unpleasant thread.