To have spent £110 on DGS1 (5) this Christmas and £16 on DGS2 (8 months)?

[Sneezecakesmum]

Sounds horrendous but

DGS1 has cerebral palsy and has a special place in my heart.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

DGS2 will probably be happier with the boxes and paper!

I'm just hoping my DD and DSIL will see this or will they think I have BU?

[perfectstorm]

I don't think it was based on nothing you'd written to be honest, OP. I think the phrasing was spectacularly unfortunate. But as you've now clarified, you aren't actually leaving everything to DGS1 and the rest can sod off. You've talked it over with your kids and they agree, and in case things change you are in effect setting up an informal family trust, with it being understood that the most vulnerable family members get the benefit, and right now that looks like it will be him.

I think it's normal to feel more passionately about an older child. It can take a while to truly fall in love with a new baby, while also feeling loving towards them. As the younger grows, so will that relationship. As long as you're open to that, and aware of the huge emotional price favouritism will exact of the favoured as well as the less favoured, and you ensure you do not damage the kids in this way, then no problem, no.

The problem is, as so many have related (and so many other threads on here from distressed parents of children who are treated very differently by grandparents show) that there are an awful lot of GM out there who behave exactly as your initial posts indicate. And assuming all people have built-in antennae for that is simply naive; they don't. And the kids suffer. So if you're saying you're aware of the potential problems and committed to avoiding it, and have arranged your will flexibly so the most vulnerable are the beneficiaries, that is actually not what your first posts said at all - but it's a wholly reasonable position.

[Mmmbacon]

.

[BigWellyLittleWelly]

sneeze I'm sorry you have been given a hard time, my older dd has CP caused by birth hypoxia, she was cooled but didn't have a 'miracle recovery' just so you know that. There are dangers to cooling, who knows what would have happened.

I 'get' what you mean. Asleep on my lap is dd2, 6months and healthy. I could buy the earth for dd1 but what she really really needs can never be bought. A new brain. One that works properly. Dd2 will never have the challenges dd1 has. It is complex and I am only beginning to comprehend the complexity of my feelings - I think you're v v v brave taking those similar feelings to the AIBU bull pit.

Merry Christmas to you and your family x

[5HundredUsernamesLater]

Specialagent

I hope you don't mind me asking, it is genuine curiosity not any form of criticism so forgive me if this also offends but why does the reference to Stephen Hawkin upset you so much?

[jigsawlady]

sneeze it is obvious here that you like the eldest so much more, unless you are an amazing actor everyone else will be aware too, (not sure why your dd hasn't out her foot down) and the baby will soon get the idea too.

The kindest thing you could do for both grandkids is make sure they have a good relationship. You don't seem to care as much about gs2 as you do about the older one but just looking at it from the older ones point of view; his doting grandmother who does everything for him is goings be gone one day and not just a few years of his adult life probably the majority of his life he is going to have to get by without you, help build a good relationship between the brothers, don't give him the sense he is more special than the other and focus on the whole family unit being strong. Once you and the parents are gone he may only have his brother and right now his brother will resent him and you I imagine.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Can you please stop with the Stephen Hawking thing??!?!!

Anything I say to you will most likely be deleted, but I have a SEN DB and a deeply SN DS.

Your Stephen Hawking crap is bloody offensive. Please stop it.

[Sneezecakesmum]

Thank you sunshine .

I think I was a bit naive in thinking all nannas love their GCs equally, but as you say differently. There was a lot of jumping to the conclusion that the little one would be sidelined and treated differently. Yes, differently but equally. He's 8 months old. How could anybody not love and adore a baby, it's impossible! I'm smiling just thinking about his antics

I'm sure your mum didn't mean to offend. It's easy to do the foot in mouth, as I have proved here . No child should feel left out or second best but I can see DGS 1 in that position more as he gets older. Not with his family but with the world in general. If we equip both boys with the knowledge they are loved and valued for themselves, we are doing the best we can for both.

Personally I think ASD is harder to cope with on a different level. At least we can understand why legs and arms don't work but getting inside your child's mind when he is upset and unable to express himself . But speech ... Wonderful. We are doing signing now so it's improving here! Take care and have a lovely Christmas.

[Sneezecakesmum]

Reviving

Yes, I will speak to DD and DSIL today about the disparity but reassure them money is put away for the babe and next yeR it will be equal.

Believe me the baby gets lots of love and attention from me before the big boy comes home from school as I don't want him to feel jealous when the babe gets fussed over.

I think most people have inbuilt radar when it comes to sibling favouritism and make sure neither child feels left out or second best.

[revivingshower]

Hi sneezy as I said before it took guts to come back and fight your corner when your aibu got a negative response. I guess you are a strong person in rl and hopefully you can use that to help your family when things get tough. Sadly people often have to fight for the best care for their disabled kids and you will be a great support with that if it does happen.
I do think this thread shows just how careful you have to be about appearing to favouritise one child. You maybe used a few words or phrases in your posts that led people to make assumptions that you favouritise the older boy. Well in your family people know you much better but it never hurts to be sure and tell them your reasons and talk about things. I don't know if you have mentioned this to your dd yet but you could tell her the subject came up when you asked "some friends" what they thought about the presents you have got the boys, and then say just to reassure her you feel the same love for both of them and will help with whatever is best for her. I'm sure she knows that but it is nice to hear these things sometimes
Anyway good luck to you all and I hope you do have a good Xmas together.

[Sneezecakesmum]

We are in West Yorkshire. We went to a wheelchair accessible parkland for children and spent the whole day looking at children on zip wires and playing in non accessible playgrounds (about 5 of them!). Couldn't get to the animals in the wheelchair as it was so crowded. Not a good day out

[Sneezecakesmum]

Frogspawn. I refer to DGS 2 as 'the baby' because on my ipad DGS automatically upper cases but I have to space then '1' in the 'numbers keyboard'!! Typing the baby is just much easier, but I can't call DGS 2 the older boy as it sounds silly, but I will if you want .

We used to go swimming a lot before the older boy started school but during the school holidays and weekends the only warm pool is so crowded and everyone stares at the big boy and we have to change him on the floor of the disabled cubicle, carry a 19 kg kid plus a baby to the poolside and get stared at some more. Frankly it's so shite we have backed off.

We used to go to the park but its a major outing, rather than hop in the car and away. Not since school though as there is no time. We took both boys out on every day in the summer on a specialist trike and a baby trike, so we did go out. We have a SN playground in the art gallery which we go to but to go out and about we have to drop his therapy program which is aiming to promote future independence and there are never enough hours in the day.

The baby can just climb into my car when he is older and I will take him out so mum can have a pamper day or go to work. I couldn't even get the wheelchair in my car . The baby will never be second best. He will be the first to walk, ride a bicycle, a scooter, run, speak. Of course I don't resent this. I am amazed and thankful he is well and healthy. Nobody who looks at a disabled child can help but feel a sense of sadness. If only whole body cooling had been available for him his disabilities would probably not have been so severe, but we just have to accept what is and get him the best he can be and secure his future if we can.

Both my grandchildren are special in their own way but I have had 4 years longer loving the older boy who has needed various operations and endless anxious times, so emotionally it's been a roller-coaster. I honestly don't believe the baby will feel second best. He is loved and fussed so much by everyone. In fact I'm surprised at how 'fair' in the attention both boys get. Both boys are special, but in different ways.

I'm sad so many people have made the assumption, based on nothing I have written, that the baby will be neglected or second best when this is far from the truth. Do you think I should buy another shape sorter for the baby when there is an unused one in the cupboard, or new clothes when there are unworn ones in drawers? Would a toddler really know these material things are 'second best' when the important thing is I sit and play with him with them?

[frogspoon]

Giving a more expensive present to your older DGS is not unreasonable, especially if you plan to make up for it when DGS2 is old enough to appreciate such things. You are quite right that at his age he doesn't need big expensive things, and will enjoy the wrapping paper more

But never buying him new things and only giving him hand me downs because "your brother was too disabled to use them" is unfair. Your DGS2 is always going to feel second best. A cast-off who just gets the things that were bought with love for his older brother but were unsuitable, so they got passed on to him.

I have no doubt that you love both your DGSs very much, but you do clearly have a favourite. Notice how you are constantly referring to your DGS1 as "special", or "DGS1". Whereas DGS2 is usually just referred to as "the baby". Your DGS2 is also special in his own way, so try and see him as the special little person he is now.

Also, I don't understand why you can't take your DGS with CP to the park, swimming etc? Swimming is actually therapeutic for children with CP, and some swimming pools have ramps and slopes to allow wheelchair users (if he is a wheelchair user) to go in. There are also wheelchair accessible children's playgrounds. If you tell us whereabouts in the country you are and I'm sure people would help you find these facilities to enable you to enjoy these activities with your DGSs.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

i don't even have a clue what to get my own 12mo

[charitymum]

Actually just read thread bit more. Horrified at the negative caustic and unpleasant comments directed at OP by some posters.

Sheesh if a loving grandmother caring about her family, making financial provision for them and coming on here to ask advice on a sensitive issue gets this shit then frankly I worry about state of nation.

[Sneezecakesmum]

Thank you cerealmom. Wow! Food for thought. We got a specialist solicitor to write the wills and they are as straightforward as we could make them. Mirror wills for DH and me. If we need care the NHS only takes so much, so the cap should help us keep the bulk to go to DD with her and DSIL deciding what is best. As it goes to her it doesn't affect any benefits DGS 1 should get. Even if DD and DSIL separated DSIL would cut off his arm before depriving the DGSs of anything.

His mum also has a huge house (bigger than mine) and only a sister so he wouldn't have a need to do anything nasty. His mum also loves the DGSs to bits too! I don't know what she has decided to do with her house but I imagine she will get proper advice too. It's not a subject we talk about as her DH died this year

I think the solicitor said a trust would form part of DGSs estate and would affect any means tested benefits.

I know my assumptions about DGS 1 seem negative, but plan for the worst and hope for the best, and all that . I am convinced deep down he will be another Stephen hawking .

Obviously if any circumstances change we will rewrite the wills (DH and I have security of tenure I think it's called) and it's all in place for how the present circumstances are.

I would trust DD and her DH with every penny I had which is why the wills are quite loose and flexible. DGS 2 will have a lump sum in the care of his parents for uni or other needs which is in the wills too. I think it's all covered as it now stands but if you have a crystal ball I'd love a peek.

Thank you for your kind thoughtfulness. I will certainly keep in mind changing circumstances but right now it's nearly Christmas

[charitymum]

Just skimmed this thread. Don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I do understand you views and feelings towards the eldest boy who has had to go through so much and that you are considering his future on your will is great.

There is a lot of evidence about the impact of having a sibling with a disability and the challenges for family to meet the needs of disabled child while still supporting the needs of the non disabled brother or sister.

SIBs has some great advice on this www.sibs.org.uk

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

One of my nieces is severely disabled and my Pils at one point intended on leaving their estate to her.
Worst thing they could possibly have done, if something happens to her mum, there are all sorts of residential schemes she'd be eligible for, I would imagine its similar physical disability to hers that your grandson has.
If her mum ditched her or died, she'll be cared for. If she owned a property, it'd be sold to pay for said care, what a waste of their hard earned home.

[ceebie]

Also, all those people commenting that the house issue is unfair, I bet that they aren't in the position of having to worry about how a child or grandchild is going to cope with a severe disability after they are gone. One day, DGS1 will be an adult with his disability, potentially without parents or grandparents around to look after him any more. That is a scary, scary prospect. If I were a parent of a severely disabled child, I think I would have many sleepless nights worrying about how they will cope after i am gone. In fact, it may well be that DGS2 will be the closest family member to ensure he is looked after and cared for. The more that family members can plan ahead now to try to secure a good future for him, the better.

[ceebie]

Sneeze, you're doing fine. Not sure why you felt the need to 'check' Mumsnet views (I think that about a lot of AIBU posts) - you should trust your own instincts as you know your DD, DSIL and DGC best, I don't think people here are best-placed to judge your family circumstances without knowing you and your family personally.

Of course a child with a disability will have greater care requirements, greater funding needs and more planning for the future needed for them. So long as both children are loved and have time spent with them, I doubt there will be resentment. Although my sisters don't have disabilities, I have spent most of my life trying to tell my Mum that she doesn't need to treat us all equally if we have different needs at different times. Not everyone spends their time measuring up against their siblings - not if they feel loved and secure.

[CerealMom]

Me again!

Another option (if you can afford it) could be to put a lump sum aside or regular amount into a savings/investment vehicle on behalf of your other DGC. So that DGC2 gets the invested uplift over the next 18/20yrs and DGC1 gets your house lump sum benefit. Or save/lump sum for both.

PM me if you want any investment info. I'm not a financial planner but used to work in the industry - i.e. what questions to ask a financial planner/product!

[CerealMom]

Have lots of practical and other concerns here. Have you considered:

1. End of life care/cost for yourself?

1. Once the inheritance is with your DD/DSiL, what if they were to divorce. This money would be part of their estate to split.

1. Benefits available to your DGS1. Will having this money (at some time in his life) affect his ability to access services. If his pot is a lot less than expected (see 1/2) would this push him just over a thresh hold. The enough, but not quite enough scenario. I appreciate you can't always plan for state allowances etc... years in advance.

1. Would this money be better wrapped in a trust (see 2/3). One your DD/DSiL could access on DGS1 behalf. This can be constucted to encorporate a number of options/scenarios.

4i. Trust options - adaptive works to DD/DSiL house. What would happen to their house/estate once they died, or could no longer live independently, but your DGS1 being still alive.

4ii. Trust options - independent living for DGS1 - will this money be enough to provide carers and for how long. Difficult to know how much and types of help he will need as an adult.

Whilst I appreciate you are trying to lessen the difficulties and financial burdens on your DD/DSiL's behalf, you could be setting your family up for some unforeseen consequences (after you're gone to help sort out!); i.e. tax and feuding. After all, once you and your DD/DSiL have gone, it will just be DGS1&2 to care for each other. You wouldn't want to inadvertently cause a rift.

I would take some very specialist legal advice with regards to your money. The Law Society can provide you with specialists in your area. There is a lot to think about not just 'leave them the money'.

You are making some very big (negative) assumptions about DGS1 and his life chances and assumptions that everyone else will be ok and not mind the money going to just one GC. Have you thought about leaving DGC2 money for university? Ensuring (as much as you can) a good head start for job/no debt for DGC2 to fend for himself? I hate to think how much uni fees and housing will be in 20yrs time.

You could also ask your DD/Sil and DSiL's parents how they intend to split their money. Not intrusive given your/everyone's plans to help with the care of DGC1 in future and be fair to other DC/DGC.

Apologies for the essay :-)

[CloverkissSparklecheeks]

It is in no way a similar situation but my nephew is just over 1 and it is hard to find things to buy him as he has do many nearly new things given to him from my DCs and is 1st GC on SILs side so is spoilt by her family. I still keep aside the same amount of money as I would spend on other nieces/nephews but just let my DB and SIL know I have the extra cash for when he does need something.

[Sneezecakesmum]

DD can sell my house for money for an adapted flat, bungalow etc, anything she sees fit for her son when the time comes.

Happy Christmas and lots of happy children when Santas been.

Xxx