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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spent £110 on DGS1 (5) this Christmas and £16 on DGS2 (8 months)?

281 replies

Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 16:29

Sounds horrendous but

DGS1 has cerebral palsy and has a special place in my heart.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

DGS2 will probably be happier with the boxes and paper! Xmas Grin

I'm just hoping my DD and DSIL will see this or will they think I have BU?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 18/12/2013 18:09

Are you going to eave anything to dgs2 btw

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:09

And the fact that you contradict yourself, don't forget that bit

Hulababy · 18/12/2013 18:10

No - money from the Nhs as a result of any negligence or damage caused by them would Go to your DGS1 entirely. I assume it would go in a trust fund of some form to help with ongoing medical needs. But for me that is different to an inheritence from a grandparent.

AChristmassyJerseySpud · 18/12/2013 18:11

Yeah sorry OP but you remind me of my parents.

They blatently prefer DD1 over DD2 and make it obvious. Even though they deny it. DD1 only has to look at them or whinge and they are all over her again.

I'm not happy about it. Your attitude of 'Hes got a special place in my heart' well both your DGC should have a special place in your heart.

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:11

What if DD and her DH split after your death but while both children are still minors. Say he gets a % of the house and remarries? DGC2 may end up with no inherited assets at all.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:12

Hula. No it's not different! It's money to care for a disabled adult!

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 18/12/2013 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:14

A hospital has no duty towards your DGC2. It's not the same at all

basgetti · 18/12/2013 18:15

Why did you stop cuddling the baby and give in to DGS 1 just because he 'looked at you sadly?'

CwtchesAndCuddles · 18/12/2013 18:16

Please be aware of how the younger sibling will feel in years to come about dgs1 having a special place in your heart because of his disability - it is all too easy for siblings of children with special needs to be left out.

I have a disabled child and my parents make a special effort to be there for my other child as she often has to miss out on things due to her brothers needs. Please don't just assume that the disabled child needs you more..............

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:17

For everyone who is looking at this purely as favouritism.

Can you imagine what it is like not to be able to sit or stand or walk independently. Not to be able to talk and express yourself despite desperate efforts to do so. To only be able to use one hand and not very well at that. To have a bloody tube in your stomach? And yet to be bright and eager to learn but your body just won't work. DGS 1 looks at DGS 2 crawling around, playing with his unused toys with a huge sadness in his eyes.

Don't talk about favouritism or other irrelevancies as though these circumstances were normal. They're not!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:18

I promise you DGS 2 will not be left out and not be sidelined. We know the possible problems and will make sure they don't happen.

OP posts:
TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 18/12/2013 18:19

They're not normal, you're right. But neither is your attitude to your DGS2. It really isn't, and it's sad that you seem unable to see that.

nf1morethanjustlumpsandbumps · 18/12/2013 18:19

I can see where you're coming from having my own "special" boy whose life will neither be easy or normal. My PIL go the other way though and DS is way down their list. He'll never carry on the family name so might as well have been a girl according to them. It is the sort of toy however could be enjoyed by both at a later stage.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 18/12/2013 18:20

I expect you probably mean well with how you are towards your DGS1 and I expect his mother and father as well as him are really grateful for what you have done.

I am visually impaired and I just would hate to think my parents or my grandparents would prefer me because of my disability, because it makes me more vulnerable because that would make me feel weak and pathetic and I am sure you don't want your DGS to feel that way too.

I hate to ask but how bad is his CP? Is he wheelchair bound, can he walk, does he have a stick? I have a couple of friends who have CP and one is clearly favoured by his own parents and they barely see his sister. The other on the other hand, is the opposite and barely talks to him if she can help it and doesn't bother with his children at all.

I am sure you don't mean to be upsetting but the thing is if you do special things for your eldest grandson and your younger grandson sees it, he will feel resentment for it. I know with some things it can't be helped, but he may begin to feel you have more of a bond with him than you do with himself, which would probably make him sad. This might not be the case as you may grow just as close to DGS2 as you are with DGS1.

As far as the presents are concerned I think this is perfectly normal. My Grandma is going to buy my daughter something worth £20ish pounds and my aunts children around £50 because they are 8 and 11 - they have higher needs and will know what they want. DD who is 8 months also just wants fun things to fiddle with, to be honest.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:21

Baguetti. The baby wanted a quick cuddle and was off playing again. He only likes quick cuddles between, crawling, cruising and playing Smile. He's also got his mum he can go to.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 18/12/2013 18:22

Legally it is different.
In my mind it is different too.

You can have your version if what it means to you. That's fine. But I am also allowed my opinion too.

You have your mind set. Your dgs1 is the special grandchild due to his disability and therefore you feel he deserves more material possessions and inheritence.

I'm not sure why you began this Aibu really tbh.

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 18:22

You can't make sure of that at all. Like I said, the childrens' parents could split and your 'plans' could be thrown completely in the air. DD could be left with less than is required to leave assets for both children and DGC may e nd up with nothing. Who knows DGC2's future earning power or health status. You cannot "make sure" of any of this. You can only "make sure" to act fairly to both children

GimmeDaBoobehz · 18/12/2013 18:23

X Posted with your previous update.

Poor DGS1! My friends both can walk, albeit slowly and sometimes with quite a bit of pain.

I don't blame you for leaving the house to DGS1, as long as you have left some money to DGS2 because of course he didn't choose to be NT.

I think some people have been really harsh.

My best advice would be to make them both feel special, but in a very different way.

TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 18/12/2013 18:23

Your dsg1 also has a mum!!! You are not the primary carer in your dgs1's life, and his life is not all about you!!! God I'm getting frustrated and annoyed with you.

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 18:23

Muppet. My attitude to DGS 1? I love him and would move heaven and earth to make his life the best it can be. What a fucking travesty that a grandmother should wish that for a grandchild Confused

OP posts:
basgetti · 18/12/2013 18:23

You have already described yourself how you sidelined DGS 2 as soon as DGS 1 gave you a sad look. In the circumstances you describe it is all the more important that your grandsons have a close relationship with each other and that DGS 2 will be a great ally for his older brother. You risk undermining that by teaching DGS 1 that he can take your attention away from his younger brother with just a look, and by telling the younger one, by your actions, that he matters less.

HicDraconis · 18/12/2013 18:23

Can you imagine for a moment being the other grandson? To want your grandmother to cuddle you and read to you and throw a ball when you're older - but know that at one look , she'll drop you for your older brother? Because you have so much (arms and legs that work while his don't and never will) - have you any idea what growing up in that kind of atmosphere will do to your dgs2?

If I were your DD I would be banning you from contact with either of them until you learned how to treat them the same. You may not think you will show your clear favouritism but it's shining through every post you type. You won't believe us though, there are none so blind as those that will not see.

Hulababy · 18/12/2013 18:24

Presumably dgs1 also has his mum to go to too, and his dad.

annielouisa · 18/12/2013 18:24

This thread has made me feel really sad. I have 10 DGC and love them all dearly they are all special and cherished in their own ways. Your DGC2 will quickly learn he is not considered special even now his sibling can upstage him with a look that demands your attention.

There will always be things that bind you closely to one child or another but how you react to a situation and share you love is important. It is not about the money it is about love and justice. You appear to resent an 8 month old baby for being healthy and see him as only being worth his sibling unused left over toys or clothes.

I delight in choosing presents and clothes that suit each individual DGC.