To have spent £110 on DGS1 (5) this Christmas and £16 on DGS2 (8 months)?

[Sneezecakesmum]

Sounds horrendous but

DGS1 has cerebral palsy and has a special place in my heart.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

DGS2 will probably be happier with the boxes and paper!

I'm just hoping my DD and DSIL will see this or will they think I have BU?

I think a lot of people (not all) are looking at this as a clear cut case of two children being treated differently. I don't think it is that simple when the two boys will never be equal. As much as I hate to say this, and wether we like it or not, children with such complex needs are different with totally different needs the therefore have to be treated differently. We can all lecture how important equality is but there is no getting away from the fact that there are lots of things in life that the oldest boy will never be able to enjoy.
My daughter is and always will be treated differently from her cousins because she is different. She has money from a grandparent put in to a trust fund for her to help her in the future. Her cousin hasn't but he has had driving lessons paid for and the promise of a car when he passes his test. Neither is jealous of the other because they are both loved and their individual needs are met.
The fact that she loves to spend time and help look after the older boy is probably very much appreciated by the mother as it frees her up to spend quality time with the younger boy. Something that he may miss out on otherwise and that really would cause resentment
this is a very delicate and different situation to what most readers are used to and I think you have to take that into account before judging OP so harshly.

I am sorry if I offended you but I did not say you did not love him. Perhaps in him you see the person DGS1 could have been and mourn the things that he has lost. It is quite possible to resent someone you love dearly and sometimes for things out of their control.

Having worked with young people with severe disabilities I have seen the pain and struggle of families to give time and attention to all their children.

I know that you and your DGC parents are doing all that you do with the best intentions and because of DGS1 issues you were probably more involved after his birth in supporting his DP so feel that closer bond. The problems may arise when even if you do not say the words DGS2 will sense how you feel towards his sibling and know its is different.

OP - first i agree with the PP who said good on you for sticking around! I don't think there's much doubt you love your grandkids, which i think is why many posters are trying to get you to see how your actions could be perceived, so that you can best implement this reserve of love. I can understand if you feel more pulled toward a 5yo who ha always required a great del of care, and is your oldest, and is 5. You've know dg2 for 8 months and dg2 is baby so not able to communicate/hold a conversation so well yet. Also, i think it's fine to buy less for an 8mo who just won't remember or understand. I think the house, though, is something so huge, and the term 'my special boy' is hard. Maybe a word other than 'special' - 'special' will continually define DG1, and (in a roundabout way) DG2 forever.

Thanks for clearing up on DS, but how does he feel? do you invest equal time and energy into his life as your DDs? You sound like a loving Grandma so I wouldn't pay too much attention to the people calling you a troll.

With regard to your property I do think that you can leave it to who you want, dont think they it may not cause resentment though. Also if you need care in the future your capitol and property may need to be sold for your care. If you leave it to your Daughter and SIL they could split, he could have half, of if one of them needs care again it may need to sold to pay for it if it is in their name as it will be an asset.
If DGS needs 24 hour care at home and your SIL and DD cannot provide it the property will be sold to pay for care in a home or DGS2 may end up is carer as most local authoritys do not pay for 24hour care at home so he may be unable to work and buy a home of his own. If your DD and SIL leave him their house too in our authority you are self funding for care if you have 2 homes or funds over 23.5k so it may not pan out as you want anyway.
As for spending more on the older child at that age it wont matter at this age. My MIL Spends £50 on each of her grandchildren. My DM spends nothing on my DC - I assume the other DGC get something. I was never a favoured child but have a good relationship with my siblings despite this - it still hurts though.

Reviving. I have a lovely relationship with all my family. It's only from some odd people on here you have the opinion it needs to be better. I would give my life for my children and for the GCs. The house is left to DD with my wishes being it goes to DGS 1 (purely on need) but if that were to change she will be making the decision. (I'll be busy pushing up daisies!).

I've already said that next year will be different as DGS 2 will be more aware so I will be fair on the present front! He has got a lovely new buggy though!

It just saddens me that people seem to think love and attention can only go so far before it runs out and if I love DGS 1 as my special GS then I can't love DGS 2 equally but differently.

There is more than enough love to go around 10 times over, it just worries me that so many people think it doesn't stretch to 'infinity and beyond' as the guru buzz lightyear says

Perhaps you could all look at this from another angle? When I am giving attention to DGS 1 his mummy and daddy can play with DGS 2 and vice versa. To me it is a win win situation.

Anniemarie. I don't resent DGS 1. I know what is in my heart. I wish he didn't have cerebral palsy, but we have accepted what we cant change.

"Perhaps you could all look at this from another angle? When I am giving attention to DGS 1 his mummy and daddy can play with DGS 2 and vice versa. To me it is a win win situation."

Do you live with them?

Boy... Wrt to DS I've bailed him out of his debts to the tune of £5K . Please don't go there! Once he left his handbrake off his car at the garage and it rolled down through someone's fence! I paid for the repairs to save his car insurance being unaffordable, as then he couldn't keep his car, he would lose his job and then lose his house!!

He has grown up now and has repaid my generosity, if not the money, by being far more responsible. Frankly the ppl calling me a troll were more likely to be found under a bridge than me

No I don't live with them allnew. I need my own space and I respect their right to their own space.

Does your DS know that you are leaving your house solely to your DD?

Yes DS does and he is very happy about it as he know DGS 1 needs lifelong care. He said he will give his share of the saving to him if needs be. DH and I have mirror wills to ensure our care needs if necessary so it's all tied up legally.

The wallpaper on my ipad and pc is one of the two boys hugging and smiling at each other. I see it every time in use the internet. I think that says both boys are loved equally by me and they all love each other

Sorry OP maybe I phrased that badly I meant when you see DGS2 crawling and cruising about and hitting his milestones do you see the development DGS1 might of had without the CP.

In whatever I have said I have not meant to cause offence and I hope you can find a path with your DGS that works well for everyone.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in your approach to the value spent on Christmas presents. My DD was a spring baby so was a similar age to your dgs2 by Christmas, I bought 3for2 toys at boots and that was her Xmas sorted. We were lucky enough to still be working our way through the gifts she was given at birth as people had bought with the future in mind. I also knew she would get gifts from family and friends, so she wouldn't want for anything and the reality being, the same as I imagine for any other babies, they don't need that much at this stage.

I also think you have been given a particularly harsh time on this thread. You have been clear and honest about your situation and feelings and as a result have been subjected to unnecessary unpleasantness.

I think it can be very difficult to fully understand the impact of having a child with severe disabilities in the family for those not directly involved and given that you have been far more involved in your DgS1 life than you would have been, had he been a fit and healthy baby I completely understand where you are coming from in how you talk about him and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that.

I also think that the arrival of dgs2 will have highlighted just how different their lives will be and the struggles that dgs1 will face throughout his life. With every milestone that dgs2 makes will be a reminder of what dgs1 will never achieve and i can see how this makes you feel the way you do.

Your love and compassion for both boys comes through as does your commitment to their future.

Sounds fine OP re presents. 8 month-old does not need anything much and it would be silly to spend money unnecessarily. Even when DD was 1, for her first Xmas we spent about £25 on her. Rest of family combined spent about £40. Totally different as they get older.

You sound like a very loving and generous person, OP.

I have a DS with SN and a Dnephew who is nt. I would be gutted if my mum spent more on my DS just because he struggles with other things. Or left the house to him because of his SN.

The only time it would ok in my eyes is if your bought similar and dgs1 happens to be more expensive because it's an SN adapted toy.

My mum has bought my DS a skaletrix type toy that was £50. It doesn't need to be expensive.

You are making assumptions regarding your DGS future care - why are you assuming that the best thing for him in 20 or 30 years will be to live in a house looked after by careers ? there could be other options which your "special boy" may prefer or are better suited to his needs at the time.
His future care will not be decided by you - I realise what you are doing is out of love but its not your call.

I assume your DD loves her sons equally,treats both fairly and on her death will leave her assets equally to both boys? Perhaps its time you did the same.

I think that looking ahead and planning the future for a SN child ( wether you agree with the plans or not) has to be admired not criticised. It shows acceptance of things that can't be changed. I've seen many families who can't accept their situation and honestly believe that a miracle will happen and their child will be cured. It's damaging to all. You experience many emotions when a special child is born into your family,many you can't explain and some you can't even put a name to and if you have been lucky and haven't been there you can't even begin to understand. Sympathise maybe but never understand. In my opinion OP actions and reasoning should be admired not criticised.

I'm a bit torn - I'm pretty sure my DM has a 'special' bond with my 7yo DD who was an only child for the until DS1 (2) came along. DD has also had a few struggles and I think DM has always felt that she needs a bit of extra understanding and care. I know she loves all the DC but I feel that she's closer to DD. Which seems natural, given the situation. I think it's fair enough that you love them equally but differently and the fact is, babies don't care about presents. I've barely started buying presents for my 1yo because he's had everything he needs as and when.

The OP is getting a hard time, there are numerous threads on here from parents saying their younger children cost little as have everything handed down and they dont buy them as much at christmas etc yet when another adult does it its cruel

The OP also has the right to do with her house what she likes. Another adult begrudging a disabled sibling a secure future as they cant work in any form doesnt deserve such a gift in the first place.

I am all for equal sharing and hate hand me downs etc and believe children should get the same and their own clothes etc but know most dont agree, well unless its the gran doing the buying!

for god's sake what's wrong with hand-me-downs? It's a massive money saver.

Your house might have to be sold to fund your own care in the future, of course.

Regardless of what anyone says, you knew why you did it and so why ask? You don't sound at any point like you are or were unsure about whether you were being unreasonable or not. Quite the opposite. Well, that's your prerogative.

But you seem to have stirred up a lot of sadness in other people here in response, and I'm wondering why you wanted to tell everyone - in an aibu thread - what you had done.

Firstly, I can see that you are obviously an engaged and loving grandmother.

I'm not sure you're doing the most helpful thing though.

While I can understand that it does sound as if DGS1 currently has some major physical impairments, surely it is far too early to tell what he will achieve in his life. But it sounds as if you have already made a lot of assumptions.

My perspective is that of having a SIL with CP. She is less physically impaired than your DGS1, from what I can understand. She lives independently in a council flat, with a carer visiting each morning to help her get up and ready. She has a degree. She has a job. She has a personal assistant at work. Yes it was a battle to achieve this, primarily because she is of an age where the assumption was that people with CP also had limited intelligence, so she had to fight every step of the way against the wider world's assumptions, with DMIL's assistance.

Coincidentally she also had a grandmother who thought she was special and that it would be difficult to love her younger brother as much. Nobody in the family appeared to value her (GMs) opinion much.

So I think what I want you to take from this is a plea not to let your assumptions become any kind of barrier to your DGS1. He will need you to challenge him to achieve his potential.

What I do think is that from your posts on here, you appear to be over stepping the normal grandparent/parent boundaries like a ten tonne elephant.

And some daughters are fine with that.

hundred you are assuming that the people posting have no experience of disability in their family.

I would worry about the way you have expressed some of your thoughts op I would recommend you read back over all your comments and see if you still don't see anything unfair there. DGS2 will come second in everything, everything will need to be planned with DGS1 needs in mind at least at xmas and birthdays he should come first. And love doesn't run out nobody is saying it does, people are saying your words sometimes sound as though you can't see beyond your DGS1.