Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spent £110 on DGS1 (5) this Christmas and £16 on DGS2 (8 months)?

281 replies

Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 16:29

Sounds horrendous but

DGS1 has cerebral palsy and has a special place in my heart.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

DGS2 will probably be happier with the boxes and paper! Xmas Grin

I'm just hoping my DD and DSIL will see this or will they think I have BU?

OP posts:
Heathcliff27 · 18/12/2013 17:00

Give him the £16 gift and give your DD £94 in cash to buy whatever he needs, sorted.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 18/12/2013 17:00

Fwiw if someone was playing favourites with my children as you are with your grandsons they would be cut out of our lives before they could do any damage. Be very careful, you could end up with nobody.

Hulababy · 18/12/2013 17:01

It's just DGS1 is my special boy.

More than anythig else, even the vast difference in how much you have spent on them, this is the issuue I would have. ven if you don't say anythig to them - they (the children that is) will know eventually. It will be picked up on through your actions and the way you treat them. Just becase DGS2 does not have SN he still should be treated the same by you surely?

If I was the parent then yes, I would wonder why you were treating my children so differently - but then I can't abide favouritism within familis - have been on both ends of it, either is a particularly great place to be, especially with siblings. TBH if it continued I would have to say something.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

So, if they both have tons of toys, why not cut back on both rather than spending nearly £100 more on one than the other?

randomAXEofkindness · 18/12/2013 17:03

Wow. The possibilities for future resentment are endless... Not sure that you've thought that one through properly.

EvaBeaversProtege · 18/12/2013 17:03

So it's ok cos he has dgs1's hand me downs Hmm

It's less & less about the money spent & more & more about favouritism!!!

Mckayz · 18/12/2013 17:03

I agree with Angels, if someone played favourites with my children then they would never see them again.

NatashaBee · 18/12/2013 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 18/12/2013 17:05

You do know that the whole house thing could cause major issues in the future? Are your DD and SIL aware of your intentions? CWill you be providing anything for your DGS2? What is he ended up needing some form of level of support too for other reasons - noone knows what the future will hold?

GobbySadcase · 18/12/2013 17:05

Omg how toxic?
I did consider going nc with DM when she tried this shit with my kids. They're all disabled btw but still she tried favouring the eldest.

I'm resentful, it hurt me. So I was going to make damn sure it didn't happen.

randomAXEofkindness · 18/12/2013 17:07

I'm still confused about who the parents of these children are?

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 17:07

The baby is given plenty of love and attention from everybody, including me. The presents are just material things which he won't even notice at the moment.

I have money I can put in the baby's education fund but in the future he can earn his own home. DGS 1 is very very unlikely to be able to live independently. My leaving him my house will prevent him ending up in a care home somewhere. Is that really so bad?

OP posts:
Heathcliff27 · 18/12/2013 17:08

Posters daughter and son inlaw are the parents

allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 17:08

"Fwiw if someone was playing favourites with my children as you are with your grandsons they would be cut out of our lives before they could do any damage. Be very careful, you could end up with nobody"

^this^

Heathcliff27 · 18/12/2013 17:09

Surely providing for their future is your daughter and son in laws issue and not yours

Original poster
Sneezecakesmum · 18/12/2013 17:09

The parents are my daughter and my son in law.

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 18/12/2013 17:10

"I have money I can put in the baby's education fund but in the future he can earn his own home"

Htf do you know, he's 8 mths FFS. Anything coud happen him in the future.

SunshinemMum · 18/12/2013 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCurseOfTinsel · 18/12/2013 17:10

I have a severely disabled child (my eldest) and 2 NT children.

I have bought (over the years) shedloads of things to try, cartloads of things because they are the things that work right now, extra bits because I've seen them here and now, and probably won't when I am actually looking for them - and so on. I completely understand the huge spend aspect.

however my younger 2 have never had 'just' all the stuff that is left lying around when the eldest cannot access it, or has moved on, or was never interested. these things were chosen for my eldest, with her interests and issues in mind. the younger 2 benefit from them, sure. but they do not have them in place of things which were chosen for them, with their interests and issues in mind (and issues there are, despite being NT, because they are the siblings of a severely disabled older sister - they need their attention, and focus too).

we will probably end up leaving our house in trust for our eldest too - she won't work, and probably won't live independently. she will need providing for more than the other two. but we will do as much as we can to ensure they are left with plenty too. resentment is never a good thing to foster in siblings.

HyvaPaiva · 18/12/2013 17:10

I'm an adult with CP. My family never treated me differently to my siblings and cousins: pointing out 'specialness' isn't good. It's unfair to DSG2 in material ways but actually it's worse for your DGS1 because your marking him out as 'special'. I would have hated that as a child. I didn't - and don't - want to be mollycoddled, set apart, or spoiled because I had/have CP.

If I'm the family favourite it's because I'm awesome Grin

Really, please be careful. You're essentially saying 'you get special treatment because you have Cerebral Palsy and it's a shame'. That's not healthy at all.

Christmastightarse · 18/12/2013 17:11

I am the younger child even down to the extent that my elder sibling has been disabled her whole life (her life expectancy has been reduced by 10 years ie they expect her to live to 70 rather than 80 so not really life limiting) and the family home has been left to my sister in the will because she has never been able to work and its not her fault she's disabled.

It's not my fault I'm not disabled!

My sister and I have a really bad relationship this is due to her being a spoilt brat but that's what the family has done to her, this has nothing to do with the illness. They give into all her demands and requests - she asked for £3,000 for Christmas (for "no reason I want it") so she's been given it and I've been told that because they've given her £3k they cannot afford to give my family anything more than token presents.

I have no relationship with parents/gps or sister due to this behaviour and yes I am seen as the one who's the complete selfish bitch in all this because they do not see what they have done/are doing.

Think long and hard over how you are treating dgs2, because it's not too late to change but it soon will be.

randomAXEofkindness · 18/12/2013 17:11

I have money I can put in the baby's education fund but in the future he can earn his own home. DGS 1 is very very unlikely to be able to live independently. My leaving him my house will prevent him ending up in a care home somewhere.

How do you know this ^^?

GobbySadcase · 18/12/2013 17:11

How do you know the 8 month old won't have developmental disorders?

olibeansmummy · 18/12/2013 17:11

I think the money is not an issue, but your attitude most certainly is :( the way you talk about dgs1 is totally different to the way you talk about dgs2. Yes your dgs1 has had a hard time of it, but so will your dgs2 in reality as he will have to deal with your dgs1 taking up a lot of their parents' time and attention, the last thing he needs is his dgm treating him as a second class citizen. Don't just change what you say in front of dgs, you need to try and change your thinking as it will be so obvious.

EstellaAgain · 18/12/2013 17:12

YABU given that they are not siblings. You risk offending one of your own children.

perfectstorm · 18/12/2013 17:12

The difference in expenditure between a 5 year old and 8 month old is completely sane. A 5 year old likes expensive toys, an 8 month old likes scrunched up paper and packaging and banging spoons on pans.

Leaving your house to only one grandchild when you have children and grandchildren in the plural is unutterably disgusting. It's also vilely patronising towards your disabled grandchild and risks isolating him amongst his own peers in the family - one of the biggest disservices you can ever do to any child.

YANBU about the presents this year. Your sentimentality about disability (your GS1 is a human being who happens to have cerebral palsy, not a puppy) and your favouritism towards him to indulge that sentimentality, without pausing to reflect on what they may do to him, isn't. If he needs expensive adjustments to the house or aids of some kind to enable him to reach his full potential, then sure, extra dosh. Similarly if he or the the younger proves talented in some area and needs extra help. Great. Fair doesn't always mean the same. But your attitude goes way, way beyond that.

I have to ask: do you have (or did you have when they were young) a favourite child? Because in my experience grandparents who do this do it as parents, too. And they damage their kids, and/or their kids' relationships with one another in the process. You can't help how you feel, but you can damn well help showing it.