To have spent £110 on DGS1 (5) this Christmas and £16 on DGS2 (8 months)?

[Sneezecakesmum]

Sounds horrendous but

DGS1 has cerebral palsy and has a special place in my heart.

DGS1 has had tons of toys from me and others still new as he simply can't manage to use them, plus more toys than normal as we've struggled to find something he can use. DGS2 lives in a virtual toy shop!

DGS2 will probably be happier with the boxes and paper!

I'm just hoping my DD and DSIL will see this or will they think I have BU?

[allnewtaketwo]

Yes he has parents, and so does the eldest! Do you feel they betrayed the eldest in some way by having another child?

[IamInvisible]

My mum used to refer to my niece as her "number 1 grandchild!" I asked her what she meant and she said it was because she is the oldest and would always be special, but they'd all get treated the same.

Guess what? That hasn't happened. DN has been on a pedestal all her life, she and her siblings have had big presents, holidays and days out etc. My kids have had the bare minimum, not even a packet of sweets when it is not their birthdays. DS1 didn't even get an 18th birthday present, she got a car!

It was DS1's birthday last week, my parents sent a small cheque, with his name spelt wrong again! DS1 ripped it up. He can't be bothered with being second best anymore. If you can cope with that, carry on the way you are going.

[Jux]

Have you spoken to your dd and sil about any of this? How do they feel about you having spent so much (besides the inequality issue)? Have you, for example, completely eclipsed their own gift to him?

How do they feel about you already having decided to leave your house to him?

Is there a chance that they might feel they would like to ensure that they care for both their sons themselves, with some help from extended family? How do they feel about you making that sort of major decision without their involvement?

Atm, you sound interfering. Take a back seat. Listen. Ask what your dd needs from you, how you can help. Don't go in all guns blazing, telling her what you're going to do - my MIL used to do that. She never gave me the help I needed, but only the help she wanted to give - fair enough if it had been helpful, but it wasn't (and then I had to be grateful on top).

[Sneezecakesmum]

Dusty. The baby will not be told to fuck off and fend for yourself, but will have the deposit for a house (in today's money)

[sykadelic15]

The house thing... My advice is this. Leaving the house to one child out of many children and grandchildren simply isn't fair. It IS your Estate to do with what you like, but you are running the risk of a very vicious Estate battle, or your GS being ostrasized from his family because of it.

I suggest you sit down and talk to your family about your wishes and see what they think. I also think you would be better leaving the house in a trust for ANY family member in need, with a set "rent" needed to be paid by any family member living in the house.

Or, you could put the house in a trust for the use of the GC for his lifetime and then it would be sold and distributed to the other family members.

Or you could leave a trust fund for medical bills/needs for ALL family members. Then whoever needs it would get the help they need. You could include paying for private care somewhere in there. Selling your house and putting the money aside to build interest being the best for everyone.

I appreciate that you're trying to overcompensate this child for his lifetime health issues, but it's not your responsibility and the other children/grandchildren will be hurt by your obvious favouritism.

[Sneezecakesmum]

Would you prefer I lived with the knowledge DGS 1 ends up in a care home at the mercy of some of the so called carers we see portrayed on TV?

[allnewtaketwo]

"The baby will not be told to fuck off and fend for yourself, but will have the deposit for a house (in today's money)"

What if he can't afford a mortgage or can't work?

[Tapiocapearl]

I think you will find that the council will put lots of money in the direction of DCD1. There will be a lots of stimulating provision out there for him. I know this from experience.

[basgetti]

I imagine it is natural have a closer bond with some grandchildren than others, my Dad has a soft spot for my DS for a variety of reasons. The difference is he would never let it show by spending ten times as much on his presents as his other DGC, or leaving him a massive inheritance at the expense of the others. That is the issue with the OP. She cannot control her feelings but she can certainly control how she displays them.

[IamInvisible]

Who are going to be the carers looking after DGS1 in your home?

[Hulababy]

I just think you need to be very careful with your use of the "special" when refering to your eldest grandchild. When you say things like "but he is my special boy" it does come across as favouritism. And as I sad before I cannot abide favouritism, especially with siblings It can be potentially very destructive - for both children.

[allnewtaketwo]

"Would you prefer I lived with the knowledge DGS 1 ends up in a care home at the mercy of some of the so called carers we see portrayed on TV?"

As you yourself pointed out, the child has parents. Leave your money/assets to them and trust them to parent their own children fairly.

[Tapiocapearl]

You hold an opinion of care homes based on worst case scenario. My experience is totally different.

[TheMuppetsSingChristmas]

The things is, it's not your place to be providing for your grandchild, it's your daughter's and her husband's. You should be leaving your house to them to do with as they see fit in his interests. Unless you've consulted a very good solicitor who specialises in trusts for vulnerable minors, I imagine that you haven't thought through all the potential consequences of such a decision properly. And have you discussed your plans with your daughter and her husband? I'll bet he just loves you if you come across in real life the way you do on this thread.

[minipie]

Wow you're getting a hard time here OP, unjustly I think.

There is no problem spending more on an older child than a baby. Babies don't need or have any use for expensive stuff generally.

(BTW if you think the baby has enough stuff, why not get something for when he is a little older?)

There is also no problem with the fact that you have - for now - a closer bond with your older GC. You've known him longer, looked after him, it's natural. Hopefully that will even out as DGS2 grows up. But you do need to try to ensure you feel equally towards them both - and calling your DGS1 your "special boy" won't be helping with this.

I do think you need to revisit the house question. It could seem a bit like writing off DGS1's chances of any independence. It could also seem like a too-early assumption that DGS2 will be "just fine". Personally I would split your will equally, but speak to the parents and explain that if DGS1 continues to need extra help, you would want him to have a greater share. In other words trust them to be fair according to the circumstances as they turn out to be.

insanity makes a good point: "The other three [ie the DC without SN] already lost out in terms of time and attention from us for that then to have been reproduced by GP's would have hurt dreadfully". It's not really for you to judge whether DGS1 needs more, it's for the parents IMO.

[JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles]

It's fine Sneeze - DGS2 is only 8 mths - when dd was 9 mths for her first XMas she was happy with a springy key-ring that a Santa we visited gave her - though think DSis gave her a moving, dancing pig as well IIRC
I think we gave her a little xylophone which she also loved - it was noisy!!

[Tapiocapearl]

The fairest thing would be to leave the money in equal parts to both your children. They can then decide what to do. It's possible your child maybe a long term carer for your favourite grandchild.

[allnewtaketwo]

Indeed TheMuppet. The child's parents may find it totally unsuitable to care for the child/adult in the OPs house. The child's parents may already have thought through the future and what is required. Leave parenting to parents

[TheCurseOfTinsel]

'stimulating provision'?!

yes, I have spent the last 8 years, and an eyewatering amount of money, avoiding that stimulating provision for my dd.

I'm sorry (genuinely do not want to offend anyone who works in the care industry) but a lot of the provision for severe disability in this country is appaling - low expectations, poor outcomes, a vicious circle of spiralling negativity, with a fair sprinkling of neglect and abuse.

I cannot blame anyone for wanting to keep a relative of theirs out of this type of provision, if they have the means to do so.

And w can only decide on today's knowledge, as it were. dh and I, currently, have decided that our eldest will need more financial provision from us, on current knowledge. of course this may change, and if it does, then so will our plans. the future will always hold 'what ifs?', we can only try to safeguard against the certainties.

[Sneezecakesmum]

I've discussed the house with my own son and my daughter and they are all happy with the decision as they feel DGS 1 s needs are paramount. Obviously things may change and I will take that into account, as well as discuss it with the younger one when he is a young adult.

If there had been no disability involved both GSs would have had equal presents and treatment no matter what.

[allnewtaketwo]

Your perceived needs of an 8 yo baby when he's an adult could easily be seriously wrong

[Sneezecakesmum]

Thank you curseoftinsel. I've also worked briefly in the care industry for the elderly and I would not put a dog in some places. (Some are fine though, so I don't wish to offend any carers who do a good job).

[SqueakyCleanLibertine]

Very sensible advice mini

[allnewtaketwo]

If you leave your house to DGC1, who is going to pay for the carers to enable him to live there?