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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that visiting times on the postnatal ward are fine

247 replies

elliejjtiny · 17/12/2013 14:21

Disclaimer: I've been stuck at home with puking DC for a few days so have more time to think about trivial stuff than normal Smile.

Visiting times on the postnatal ward at my local hospital are partners all day (something like 9am to 9pm) and everyone else 2:30pm-5:30pm, 2 visitors per bed. No children except siblings of the baby and they can only come at normal visiting times. Children weren't counted in the 2 visitors rule thankfully so DH could bring our 3 older DC at once.

In NICU/SCBU parents and siblings are welcome anytime. Grandparents and other close relatives (not sure how they define this) can come 2:30pm-5:30pm but only with parents permission (this rule came in quite handy when MIL wanted to visit DS4 the first time I was allowed to go down to NICU after only getting a quick glimpse of him when he was born).

I was at a toddler group last week and some of the new mums/pregnant mums were having a whinge about how strict the visiting times are. Bearing in mind that most healthy 2nd+ timers are discharged straight from delivery suite so most of the women on the postnatal ward were quite poorly or their babies were.

I was in for 3 days recovering from c-sec and TBH I only wanted DH and the DC's to visit (antisocial emoticon). Because DH was looking after the DC's and DS3 in particular doesn't really do sitting still then I only saw him and them for 15 mins or so every day. I survived and so did the lady in the next bed who was also on her 4th DC so in the same situation. These women at toddler group were moaning that their friends children weren't allowed in and their friends were only allowed in 2 at a time. The mums of newborns had only been in for about 12 hours too Shock.

TBH after a few of the other women's visitors had been pointing at me and speculating in loud whispers why I didn't have any visitors and why I didn't have a cot beside me I could have been quite happy to have all visitors banned (told you I was antisocial!). One of the other women whose baby was in NICU got her DH to bring in a big "it's a boy" helium balloon to show everyone that she had had a baby after a few nosy people asked if she was still pregnant and was the antenatal ward full?

IMO although it doesn't suit everyone I think there must be restrictions on visitors so that there is relative peace and quiet for new mums to recover.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:17

I think most nicu/scbu ward have 24 hour visiting for parents so the dad can go when he wants.

I imagine Ice means when a baby needs to be kept in hospital but isn't poorly enough for scbu so is cared for on the postnatal ward.

Sadly the nhs just isn't set up to pander to everyones wishes. Doesn't have the money or the physical resources. You could always go private and I'm sure then men can stay overnight.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:17

maybe it is a separate issue. I am certain that many women are not in a fit state to look after a baby in the first few days. In those cases I don't think the answer is the staff looking after the baby. Not when there is another parent available to bond with.

Is it really so hard to access whether or not a woman is physically/mentally fit enough to be sole carer for her baby? If she isn't then why should the other parent not be allowed to stay with the baby?

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:19

Yes thats right - DD was only a little ill and needing IV antibiotics, she wasn't on SCBU. I was in a worse state than her.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:21

hmm pandering well thats one word for requesting that if I am too ill to look after my baby then either there should be enough staff to do it or my partner should be allowed to do it.

but yes of course the NHS shouldn't pander to people who think newborns screaming with hunger should actually get fed.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:21

Often discretion is used. I've known men be allowed to stay overnight in a single room when they have twins who are been tube fed and mum is knackered. Other occasions when mum is poorly. Normally if mum is so poorly she can't care for her baby well then she remains on labour ward and then the dad can stay 24/7.

By the time they're on the postnatal ward they're generally well enough to manage. Yes they might be tired but not really, really poorly.

The times I've known a mum have to go to ICU the baby is discharged home with the dad.

Pinholes · 19/12/2013 13:21

I think 8am - 8:30pm for partners (les the 2hr rest period from 12-2) is long enough then restricted visiting hours for everyone else (at our hospital it's 2-3:30 and 6-7:30). Having DH there during the day to help with general 'baby stuff', keeping me company and looking after baby while I went for a shower, etc was good but I was ready for my bed by 8:30 and looking forward to the MWs dimming the lights and the day winding down. DH was helping fulfil his side of us being a 'team' by making sure everything at home was ready for us getting out and looking after our other DC. It's what he'll be doing this time too.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:22

we will be pandering to those silly grabby people who want their water placed within reach and help with eating food next.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:24

Don't twist what I said at all Ice, it just negates your argument.

When I'm talking about pandering I wasn't referring to your specific situation which you hadn't even mentioned the details of. Hmm

I was talking about pandering to the general wishs of women who are perfectly fit but would simply prefer their partners be able to stay. Which is what this thread has been about in the main.

bruffin · 19/12/2013 13:24

I was in for 44 days before ds was born and 5 days after. Was dh supposed to be allowed to stay with me all that time.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:24

You're coming across as very silly now.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:24

viva well you aren't the first to insinuate that I wasn't really that ill and I should have gotten on with it...probably I was only tired and lazy - and you won't be the last.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:26

Really? How on earth can I insinuate anything about how ill you were or not when I don't know anything about you. I wasn't talking about you at all.

If you have an issue with midwives not taking you seriously I suggest you complain to that hospital. Its nothing to do with me.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:28

You responded to my comment on not being able to look after DD by saying that in cases of genuine need you have seen the rules bent.

Sounds like you have prejudged that my case wasn't one of genuine need?

Maybe it was an unfortunate cross post.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:32

I did complain.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:32

Ice, My post wasn't answering your post at all and I'm sorry if you thought it was. I hadn't put your name in my post. I assume you mean the 13:17 post.

It was just generally trying to explain that sometimes men do get to stay overnight.

MinesAPintOfTea · 19/12/2013 13:33

I agree that I would have preferred have my DH there, I couldn't easily sit up due to catheter/stitches so ended up staying awake all night when DS sleeping on my chest (sweet at first, but I'd been awake for days and by the early hours I wanted to lie him in his cot so I could try to get some sleep). I couldn't get DS in or out of his cot without help, and when we got home it was another week before I walked whilst carrying DS.

Then there was the HCA who decided we all needed our curtains open and whisked them all open without warning at 8am. At the time I was sat in bed, bfing entirely topless as my nightie was getting in the way.

But there was the other nice HCA who when I buzzed for help getting DS into his fishtank to change him at 6am told me she'd change him, to go to the bathroom to empty my catheter and freshen up then organised an early breakfast for me.

I'm not sure I would have wanted everyone else's partners in the room though so I'm not sure what the answer is until we can afford to go down the route of private rooms which have simple locks (that the hospital staff can always open).

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:34

So no Ice I haven't prejudged your case at all, like I said I don't know anything about it but I'm sorry you didn't get as much help/support as you needed.

I'd be more than happy for all partners to stay overnight if our hospital had single rooms. But we don't and the nhs haven't got the money to build a better unit. I just don't think its fair on other women when there's so many women who wouldn't like it.

Sirzy · 19/12/2013 13:36

Arguing for parntners to be able to stay overnight to help women when they are ill/tired (other than in extreme cases like viva mentioned) doesn't take into consideration that fact that when you are ill or just tired you need rest and doubling the amount of adults staying on the ward is going to make that much worse.

I was quite ill after having DS and the thought of having that extra noise on the ward would have been awful. I was lucky I had a side room, but even then the noise from the ward was annoying - for people who don't get that it would be impossible to rest.

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 19/12/2013 13:45

Icing would it have helped if there had been more midwives available to help?

I think letting partners stay overnight would help some people but then women whose partners are looking after other DC so can't be there will still be stuck.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:49

I do think a better argument would be for more staff who could help everyone. The RCM are constantly campaigning for more funding for maternity services as they say there's a shortage of something like 2000 midwives for the birth rate.

Like has been said earlier some partners won't be able to stay as older kids at home.

Also some partners are bloody useless. They don't help when they're there in the day so can't see them helping at night. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a supportive, caring partner.

Ephiny · 19/12/2013 13:56

I think the availability of private rooms (or not) is the key thing here. On private maternity wards, for example, where everyone has their own room, it's normal for partners to stay. But on a communal ward, it isn't really fair on the other patients, and can make things difficult for the staff because there just isn't enough space and the ward isn't set up for overnight guests.

I don't think anyone is being sent away simply for 'being a man', that's ridiculous. Female partners are not usually allowed to stay either.

grumpyoldbat · 19/12/2013 14:51

ice it's not about being anti-men. Sharing a room with 9 other women isn't great either but they are patients too and therefore have to be there. It's about minimising the number of people who see you in this state, minimising the noise, minimising the resultant heat and stuffiness and maximising the availability of space in what is already a cramped room.

In answer to the person who asked. I don't know about other wards but I had my curtains drawn they just pushed the curtains back until they were touching my bed. At one point I was so desperate for the toilet I had to try and climb over the foot of my bed. Considering I'd had a section it was a very painful, humiliating moment. Then I hobbled to the toilet to find a queue because lots of visitors were using it.

stagsden · 19/12/2013 15:33

Reading this im sooo glad that the hospital i gave birth in had all private rooms on the post labour ward and allowed partners and the mothers, mother unlimited visiting. At least i got peace and support.

It almost makes up for the fact that they sent multiple church groups and a charge for breast feeding support group and the harrasing bounty lady around the ward all day long!

Thankfully other visitors were restricted to 2hrs in the afternoon - although really id have prefered no other visitors than my mom and dh (which my family respected - shame the evil in laws didnt - and yes they really are evil).

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking · 19/12/2013 17:35

Viva, I'm Shock at partners staying 24/7. I'm guessing there won't be any extra staff, or showers/ loos, provided to cope with the extra work that will create?

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 17:37

theseboots. You guessed right.