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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that visiting times on the postnatal ward are fine

247 replies

elliejjtiny · 17/12/2013 14:21

Disclaimer: I've been stuck at home with puking DC for a few days so have more time to think about trivial stuff than normal Smile.

Visiting times on the postnatal ward at my local hospital are partners all day (something like 9am to 9pm) and everyone else 2:30pm-5:30pm, 2 visitors per bed. No children except siblings of the baby and they can only come at normal visiting times. Children weren't counted in the 2 visitors rule thankfully so DH could bring our 3 older DC at once.

In NICU/SCBU parents and siblings are welcome anytime. Grandparents and other close relatives (not sure how they define this) can come 2:30pm-5:30pm but only with parents permission (this rule came in quite handy when MIL wanted to visit DS4 the first time I was allowed to go down to NICU after only getting a quick glimpse of him when he was born).

I was at a toddler group last week and some of the new mums/pregnant mums were having a whinge about how strict the visiting times are. Bearing in mind that most healthy 2nd+ timers are discharged straight from delivery suite so most of the women on the postnatal ward were quite poorly or their babies were.

I was in for 3 days recovering from c-sec and TBH I only wanted DH and the DC's to visit (antisocial emoticon). Because DH was looking after the DC's and DS3 in particular doesn't really do sitting still then I only saw him and them for 15 mins or so every day. I survived and so did the lady in the next bed who was also on her 4th DC so in the same situation. These women at toddler group were moaning that their friends children weren't allowed in and their friends were only allowed in 2 at a time. The mums of newborns had only been in for about 12 hours too Shock.

TBH after a few of the other women's visitors had been pointing at me and speculating in loud whispers why I didn't have any visitors and why I didn't have a cot beside me I could have been quite happy to have all visitors banned (told you I was antisocial!). One of the other women whose baby was in NICU got her DH to bring in a big "it's a boy" helium balloon to show everyone that she had had a baby after a few nosy people asked if she was still pregnant and was the antenatal ward full?

IMO although it doesn't suit everyone I think there must be restrictions on visitors so that there is relative peace and quiet for new mums to recover.

OP posts:
BigBirthdayGloom · 19/12/2013 11:43

Oh, yanbu at all. I didn't like the overnight partners either. All night long the couple opposite speculated about what their baby needed. It was all I could do not to shout "you could try b**y feeding him" over but I knew they were just working it out. Trouble is, while they were working it out, my baby was sleeping and I couldn't.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 11:48

chunderella. We can't stop them. It would be against their human rights. If they're not in prison its not up to us to decide where they can and can't be. I know, don't agree with it but our hands are tied.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 19/12/2013 11:55

Well that's as good a reason as any I've heard for banning all partners overnight Viva.

Though I suspect from the little I know about human rights law that it isn't quite correct as a legal analysis from whoever did the legal review. For example, sex offenders can be banned from school premises whilst children are on site and their 'human rights' honoured by allowing them to attend teacher meetings, etc at other times.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 12:08

I think it depends what level or something. There have been times when partners who are sex offenders haven't been allowed on the postnatal ward at all due to their status. Others have been. I don't know who decides or why some can and some can't.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 19/12/2013 12:15

I stayed one night after dd was born. I was sorry DH had to go as early as he did - am sure it was before 9pm - but not sure if this was partly his decision (think we were a bit unclear about the rules/ visiting hours)

But I was happy enough to wait till I got home next day before entertaining visitors.
I agree that there is a balance to be struck generally.

Onesleeptillwembley · 19/12/2013 12:27

I agree apart from one thing; visiting times for others should be in the evening. Most people work.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 12:41

hmmm I can't actually remember what I wrote but my guess is that it has been misinterpreted. I also can't imagine why it was deleted and MNHQ haven't contacted me about it which is odd.

I needed my partner because I had lost a lot of blood and couldn't get up to pick the baby up without sliding onto the floor. I was struggling to hold her up to boob etc.

I did get in a side room eventually but even then he wasn't allowed to stay. Having to listen to your newborn screaming for food when you can't get out of bed to pick them up and the midwives are nowhere to be seen is heartbreaking. When my partner was allowed in we coped absolutely fine.

Why is it assumed that women are perfectly happy to stagger about leaking bodily fluids as long as it is only strange (and sometimes drunk abusive violent) women that see them but everyone panics at the thought of a strange man?

Men are actually human beings too. We are the same species and I don't feel any different about a random woman seeing me bleeding than a random man.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 12:43

viva some women are sex offenders too. Some women are violent and shout abuse in the ward.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 19/12/2013 12:46

It isn't anything to do with 'strange men' for me IceBeing. It is about not being able to avoid fellow patients being present, but limiting others. I would feel the same about a female partner being there.

I do understand your comment about needing help with the baby. I have recalled on here before having to scream blue murder for someone to come and help me when DD1 threw up all over herself and was choking and I couldn't move to get to her because I was immobile and they had pushed the crib too far away. But to me that is an issue about staffing. There is a balance to be struck between allowing those on post-natal some peace and quiet and expecting family to compensate for staffing levels being poor. Though I do agree that private rooms are rather different.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 12:52

I don't think there should be any visiting from people other than a designated family member who is supposed to actually be useful.

DH and I went into the baby business as a team. We got through the pregnancy together (I really only made it because of his support), we did the labour and birth together (except he got kicked out the operating theatre when things got really dicey but I was unconscious by that point too). He helped get DD her first BF while I was still coming around.

Then he got sent home.

Because men can't be trusted on a maternity ward.

It is totally shit.

Ubik1 · 19/12/2013 12:53

I remember finding an enormous spider crawling up my dressing gown when in the loo, but was so out of it on morphine, I just wandered over to the midwives station and said: "Should this be here?" and they were like Shock

Then someone knocked it off me and killed it with a mop. The squashed spider stayed there on the floor for most of the day...

Ubik1 · 19/12/2013 12:56

Icebeing - you have never been on a 'party ward,'

Honestly it's a fucking nightmare. People sat about texting, popping out for fags, slumped in chairs flicking through the telly channels...shouting over to each other, bringing in takeaways, it's like a big bloody day out for some people, in and out, in and out...

If everyone had single rooms then partners staying over would be a different matter

Jebus · 19/12/2013 12:57

9-9pm for partners is fab for an option my dc dad wasn't allowed in until the set visiting time 1.5hr twice a
Day slots.
Hospitals are so boring if your staying In for a few days.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:01

IceBeing, yes they are but we can't turn them away can we? If a woman is in labour she needs to be cared for by nhs staff regardless of whether she's a sex offender or violent. Men.....not so much.

soverylucky · 19/12/2013 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IceBeing · 19/12/2013 13:07

viva well yes but turning away the people who are breaking rules or have a reason not to be let loose on the ward should apply to all non-patients. Not only men.

I think in general hospitals need to be clearer about who the patient actually is. If I am having further surgery and bags of blood then is it reasonable to leave the baby with me rather than with my partner? If the baby needs to stay in hospital (mine did due to an infection) then surely she is a patient and had the right to have a functioning adult stay with her in hospital rather than an incapacitated one?

TarkaTheOtter · 19/12/2013 13:09

icebeing you're husband wasn't sent away because he was a man, he was sent away because he hadn't just given birth, he was a visitor not a patient.

TarkaTheOtter · 19/12/2013 13:10

Grr your

TarkaTheOtter · 19/12/2013 13:10

Although your last point about the baby being a patient too in some cases makes a lot of sense.

marzipanned · 19/12/2013 13:11

What if women were allowed only one visitor per day (or maybe one adult plus one child so siblings could come in) but that visitor could stay for 24 hours except a 2 hour rest period?

Just thinking out loud, the only person I want visiting is DH so maybe I'm being very short sighted but I really agree with IceBeing's paragraph about being a team.

It also feels like a bit of a Catch 22 - getting rid of visitors overnight allows for 'peace' on the ward (inasmuch as that's possible with newborns whose mothers who may be physically incapable of looking after them in the way they'd wish) but surely it's easier to cope with other people's annoying partners if you've got your own one there to take care of you?

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 19/12/2013 13:11

But Ice, isn't that a different question? That's about whether facilities should be available in NICU/SCBU wards for parents to stay overnight. Which could apply whether or not the mother has been discharged. Saying it means that partners should be allowed on post natal would just be a half-hearted bodge solution that wouldn't help lots of parents for a lot of the time.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/12/2013 13:15

Turning away people should and generally does apply to all non patients. Women aren't allowed to have their sister or best friend stay overnight with them on the postnatal ward. And it isn't all or even mainly about not been trusted, there's loads of posts from women here saying they just wouldn't be comfortable with others staying overnight.

Wards are crowded enough already.

marzipanned · 19/12/2013 13:15

Sorry x-post with soverylucky... I do agree with you re the disturbance and allocation of funds. I just hate the thought of first night with new baby without DH. When I told him he wouldn't be able to stay he was also horrified - think he'd expected a private en suite or something :)

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 19/12/2013 13:16

Marzipanned - the thing is, yes, there will generally be noise on a ward overnight. But what partners/visitors overnight bring is chatting, discussions, extra background noise (twice as many people moving around, twice as many people mucking about with phones, etc, extra demands on resources like loos, ), extra people taking up space, partners popping in an out of the ward being buzzed in and out as they go to the cafe, have a cigarette, go outside to make a phone call.

Yes, you are a team. But at the point you are in hospital you are also a patient, and I don't see that it's really that different to being a patient for other reasons in terms of the logic of banning overnight visitors. Of course, the ideal would be private rooms for all with space for partners to stay....

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 19/12/2013 13:17

Sorry, cross post there Marzipanned.

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