To think that visiting times on the postnatal ward are fine

[elliejjtiny]

Disclaimer: I've been stuck at home with puking DC for a few days so have more time to think about trivial stuff than normal .

Visiting times on the postnatal ward at my local hospital are partners all day (something like 9am to 9pm) and everyone else 2:30pm-5:30pm, 2 visitors per bed. No children except siblings of the baby and they can only come at normal visiting times. Children weren't counted in the 2 visitors rule thankfully so DH could bring our 3 older DC at once.

In NICU/SCBU parents and siblings are welcome anytime. Grandparents and other close relatives (not sure how they define this) can come 2:30pm-5:30pm but only with parents permission (this rule came in quite handy when MIL wanted to visit DS4 the first time I was allowed to go down to NICU after only getting a quick glimpse of him when he was born).

I was at a toddler group last week and some of the new mums/pregnant mums were having a whinge about how strict the visiting times are. Bearing in mind that most healthy 2nd+ timers are discharged straight from delivery suite so most of the women on the postnatal ward were quite poorly or their babies were.

I was in for 3 days recovering from c-sec and TBH I only wanted DH and the DC's to visit (antisocial emoticon). Because DH was looking after the DC's and DS3 in particular doesn't really do sitting still then I only saw him and them for 15 mins or so every day. I survived and so did the lady in the next bed who was also on her 4th DC so in the same situation. These women at toddler group were moaning that their friends children weren't allowed in and their friends were only allowed in 2 at a time. The mums of newborns had only been in for about 12 hours too .

TBH after a few of the other women's visitors had been pointing at me and speculating in loud whispers why I didn't have any visitors and why I didn't have a cot beside me I could have been quite happy to have all visitors banned (told you I was antisocial!). One of the other women whose baby was in NICU got her DH to bring in a big "it's a boy" helium balloon to show everyone that she had had a baby after a few nosy people asked if she was still pregnant and was the antenatal ward full?

IMO although it doesn't suit everyone I think there must be restrictions on visitors so that there is relative peace and quiet for new mums to recover.

[grumpyoldbat]

Everyone would have to have their own room for that to work higgle. Trying to sleep in a cramped room with 19 other adults and 10 babies only one of which is yours and you only know one of the other adults. All this while in pain, unwell and on a heightened emotional state. I feel sick at the thought of it.

Before anyone says I know pregnancy and birth aren't an illness I know many women are fine after giving birth. However the way I see it the current system of discharging asap means those who are kept in are generally the ones who are unwell post partum for some reason.

[LittleBabySqueakSqueak]

At our hospital it's 10-8 for partners and 6-8 for anyone else, 3 at a time. I think that's fair.

I was in 10 days because DD was prem, jaundiced and had feeding problems. DH didn't start his paternity leave until we came home, so that he was there when we really needed him. On the days that my hormones weren't telling EVERYONE to go away, I was so glad of visitors, even if all I did was cry on them. My parents, PILs and the one close friend who came, all work, so if the hours had been pre-5.30 I'd have seen no-one except DH for a week and a half. It was the lowest I've felt since I was treated for depression some years ago, and the contact I had with family and friends kept me from tipping over the edge.

[PansOnFire]

There were supposed to be restrictions on the postnatal ward where I stayed with my DS for 2 days, unfortunately the visitors ignored it and the midwives turned a blind eye.

My DS was born in the early hours so DH went home after an hour or so. As nice as it would have been to have him with me it was also better for him to go home and get some rest. He came back early the next day so I could have a shower, whilst he was there the ward was so busy and despite it only being visiting time for partners there were whole families in our tiny room.

I ended up getting really hacked off when a few children were playing with the empty cot opposite me and cracking it. The parents just told them to leave it, they didn't even think about reporting it event though a baby would have been put in it at some point. They were crowded round the bed of a woman who's baby was in the NICU, they were loud and shouty, spent the whole time stuffing their faces and the poor woman barely spoke to them. I think they thought they were being 'supportive' but the woman clearly didn't want them there and neither did any of the other mums in that room.

My family waited until the allotted visiting time, by which time the family next to us had gone leaving only the mum. My mum and dad came to visit so there were the four of us and the baby; ironically, the woman next to us then got on her mobile phone and complained loudly to her friend about the 'loud visitors' in the bay next to her who were keeping her awake! I bit my tongue though, her LO was in the NICU and I think that's good enough reason to BU.

My experience of the postnatal ward was less than positive. The toilets were disgusting and miles away from my bay, the midwives responded to the buzzer by saying they'd be back and then never came back. I blame the night staff for my failure to be able to breast feed, I asked for help 3 times and wasn't given any. I got DH to bring in a bottle and formula the next day because I thought he was starving to death, none of the them told me he'd take breast milk eventually.

I ended up back there with sepsis when the midwives who did my home visits failed to act on my symptoms of infection. At least I was given a side room this time but I was told to stop crying so many times that I felt as if they hated me. Thank god for the lovely midwife who pushed and pushed for a consultant to come and see me and for the tests I needed to be carried out. I feel that if the ward hadn't been overrun with visitors in the first place then the midwives might have taken more notice of me and my deteriorating health whilst I was in there the first time. As it was, it was all about the children running riot and the loud and opinionated visitors, I really hope they change this or at least follow the rules about when to let them in and how long they can stay

[flyingspaghettimonster]

That was the best thing about my third kid's birth - it was here in the states so I had a private room - no wards here. A fold out chair bed and bedding provided for dad and space for all the visitors I could wish for. Private en suite. It was fecking awesome - and the nurses weren't so overworked and actually came as soon as you called for them with drinks, pain meds etc. I had to be dragged out :)

[primigravida]

FlyingSpaghettiMonster- that sounds like the difference between my first and second birth. First in England on a loud noisy ward where other women's partners stared at me as I hobbled to and from the loos only hours after giving birth and no-one helped me with my baby whatsoever. I was lucky that he latched on well, but it was still embarrassing having my curtain pulled back in a room swarming with strange men when I was half naked learning to breast-feed.

Second baby I was lucky enough to be in a different country with a private room and ensuite and plenty of help from midwives to help sort out my baby's latchs.

First time I stayed only as long as I had to wait to be discharged and the second place, I considered paying to stay a fourth night (the first three were free).
There needs to be more help for mothers who have had c-sections. English maternity wards are dangerously under-staffed and partners are not the answer.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

No way, I was in for a month with ds3 and that was bad enough without having to put up with 24h visiting times.

A few partners were allowed to stay and were given private rooms.

[CrispyFB]

I'm on a due date forum populated mostly by Americans, and one of them complained that they had changed the brand of free wipes they get when their baby is born to a cheaper one, and a whole load of others chimed in agreeing it was appalling, disgusting etc.. what is the world coming to?

I nearly died laughing.. if they could spend an HOUR on an NHS postnatal ward..

[GalaxyDefender]

A month, Moomins! I was in for two weeks and crawling the walls by day three, I don't think I'd have survived a whole month!
My hospital had a policy of keeping ALL first-time mothers in for a minimum of three days anyway, if they hadn't we probably wouldn't have been stuck there (whole other thread tbh). Watching the mum with three other children come in, stay for an hour and waltz out nearly killed me

I was put in a private room after DS started yo-yoing in and out of SCBU, and I was so grateful. Even in twos and threes, other people's visitors felt like intruders to me on the ward, and I felt like my visitors were intruding on everyone else! At least in our own room it was quiet and I had more privacy and didn't feel like I was encroaching on anyone else's space.

YANBU OP, people whinging for longer visiting hours are selfish, even if it's for the "right" reasons for them personally. Visiting hours need to be kept short.

[greenfolder]

I spent 5 days following dd 3. By day 3 I wanted to kill people by day 5 I just discharged myself. Visiting was I reckon 10 til 8 for partners,which meant that rounds etc could be done. No one including partners from 2 til 4 and then Genera visiting from 5 til 8. I am pretty assertive and several times got midwives to kick out those who outstayed the hours or had too many in. But God it was grim

[TisTheSeasonToBeUnreasonable]

I spent far too much time on antenatal wards before giving birth where I appreciated the restrictive hours as meant I could rest properly - however:

DS2 was prem and born early evening and whisked off to scbu before I even saw him, I sent DH to scbu with him so "he wasn't alone" bit he returned 30mins later as they were still trying to stabilise DS and didn't want us seeing. I spent that time showering and dressing And moved to postnatal ward where my DH was warned visiting times were over and he would have to leave! We explained neither of us had seen our baby yet but were met with "rules are rules he can return at 8am" - by which time DS would be 12hrs old . eventually after I pointedly asked how it would look if the hospital were refusing to allow parents to see their poorly newborn on the basis of visiting hours alone - they agreed to let him stay until he had seen DS.

Now we were on a private ward ESP for scbu parents, one other mum who was reading, we were very quiet and respectful - just wanted to meet our son!

So whilst it may of seen entitled to some to "flout" the rules, and I know we were very lucky to be able to see him after 3.5hrs wheras some scbu mummies wait longer, surely some common sense and flexibility is needed.

[TisTheSeasonToBeUnreasonable]

This may if been the reason I convinced the surgeon and doctors to discharge me under 24hrs after EMCS - I wanted to be at home with the babies

[grumpalumpgrumped]

Thank god for my visitors, having been shoved in what was essentially a store cupboard with a bed, they returned to find that I had been missed off the system and therefore been not seen, given a drink etc. When I was discharged we were all turfed out of bed into the day room, where we waited 3 hours to be discharged, trying to breastfeed in a packed room, not fun. DH finally complained when I burst into tears.

[Daykin]

I think visiting hours are far too long. You've already had nine months of interrupted sleep, then probably missed a nights sleep to give birth and had to share a room with up to 6 newborn babies then you have someones else visitor wittering on two feet away from you for 14 hours a day.

I had someone else's charming DP telling me to shut the fuck up when I was in labour on the ward. I was in labour on my own and had this moronic teenager opening and closing the curtains every 2 minutes.

[spritesoright]

This is not a good thread to read when I'm about to have my second baby. Flashbacks to first birth and being on the postnatal ward. The fact that everyone else seemed to have established feeding and I hadn't seemed deeply affronting and I was so emotional and vulnerable.
Praying for a better experience this time round...

[elliejjtiny]

Definitely more staff needed on the postnatal wards. I didn't have the problems that some of you have had with trying to look after a baby just after a C-section but I did have to shuffle through 2 wards and 2 long corridors to get to NICU 22 hours after my C-section. I got pushed in a wheelchair the first time I went (5 hours after C-section) but after that the midwives were all too busy to do that.

I hated the way I had to do all that after major surgery. By the time I came home I felt like I'd been to some kind of bootcamp and DH was knackered from looking after the DC's and rushing to and from the hospital. He has AS too so people asking him for updates was making him stressed. I kept getting texts saying "Hope you're having a nice rest" and "Enjoy being pampered" which just made me feel worse. DS4 is 6 months old now and my mum is still annoyed that I wouldn't let her come and visit me in hospital. I was anaemic and in horrendous pain, I just wanted to curl up and die, not make small talk about how it was different in the 80's.

[elliejjtiny]

Although maybe if I'd let people visit they would have seen I was neither resting or being pampered. I think I'm going to turn off my phone for the duration when I have DC5.

[moominleigh94]

This thread is making me dread giving birth. I'm terrified. I don't know the first thing about having babies, let alone looking after one. My family all live hours away so I don't know when I'll get to see them, and the thought of my OH having to go home at 9 scares the shit out of me Are people really rude enough to crowd around someone's bed so much that they're in your space too? Are you not allowed the curtains or something?

[DirtyDancingCleanLiving]

Moomin every first time mother feels like that. For the first couple of days you treat them like china...after a week you'll have baby in one arm, be making a drink with the other whilst talking on the phone at the same time

[DirtyDancingCleanLiving]

I preffered being on a ward with ds1. We were in for 3 days due to me needing blood transfusions and df would come and go for a few hours but not all day. I think I would have been really lonely stuck in a room on my own with baby.

I didn't even really speak to the others on the ward but as a first timer I still found it comforting to know they were there, even if other babies crying etc was a bit annoying.

[Pinholes]

I remember DH trying to dress DS when he was about 3-4hrs old. He had a vest in one hand and was sort of hovering it over DS, trying to catch his arm with the arm hole. The MW directed him to catch hold of DS arm and guide it through the hole. DH sort of loosely grasped DS arm with the gentlest of gentle touches, like he was made of butterfly dust and would dissolve if handled too roughly, and vaguely waved it in the direction of the armhole. The MW had to do it in the end and, to our inexperienced eyes, it looked like she was breaking him - vest over his head, armhole, other armhole, tug vest down, sprea legs and fasten poppers, heft baby, hand to dad. We were but within days were handling him exactly the same :o

To be fair to the hospital where I delivered, the staff were fantastic. I stayed two nights both times (first time a VB, second time EMCS) and they were great. At each shift change over the MW assigned to my bed/bay came to introduce herself and reminded us all to buzz if we needed anything or to pop to the staff station out in the corridor (the ward had half a dozen bays of four beds each plus half a dozen single rooms). We were told tea/coffee and snacks (mainly cereal and fruit) are the day room, help yourselves but a HCP would pop round every so often and take an order then bring them round the bays. With DS, my first, they showed me how to bath him, clean his bum, etc. I bottle fed him and they showed me how to do that, how to wind, etc. With DD I BF'd and someone came to help me with that too. She was sick all over me one evening and the MW assigned to my bay brought me a cup of tea and then took her for a good hour while I got a shower and fresh PJs, she sat at the station doing her paperwork with DD cuddled in :o

It was the hoardes of visitors (including my own) that pissed me off, evenings were lovely and peaceful!

[Redbird12]

I didnt have any issues with DH only being able to visit in the daytime but the visitors rule of 'other children of the mother only' was more difficult. DSS was desperate to see his new brother and after staying with PIL for over 24 hours whilst i was in labour/giving birth, DH didnt think it was fair to leave him there longer. He had to beg the midwives to let him come in to meet his new brother - otherwise he was going to have to leave him in the car whilst he limited the time he spent with me himself.
I understand if there is a rule against children per se but to discriminate against step children seemed very unfair.

[elliejjtiny]

Redbird12 your poor DSS. The siblings only rules should include step siblings as well, I just assumed they did. It's not your DSS's fault who gave birth to him.

[PenguinsDontEatStollen]

I am with you OP.

The hospital where I had DD1 was partners most of the day, but not until about 11am onwards. Other visitors had a set window, but can't remember what it was. Siblings could come in the partners bit as well as later, but there was a limit on total visitors at one time (think it was two adults plus siblings. Children not allowed unless siblings. Am fairly sure a sibling was a child of either parent of the new baby).

I don't have an issue with that. I can understand that there are circumstances - such as a father waiting to meet his baby who has been rushed to SCBU after a night birth- where arrangements should be made. But there the dad isn't 'visiting' as such.

I couldn't stand partners being on a ward overnight. People think they are quiet with visitors. They bloody aren't.

[snowed]

YANBU