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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go to the work Christmas party and leave my pfb?

198 replies

BocaDeTrucha · 12/12/2013 10:55

At my weekly breastfeeding group yesterday, I mentioned going to my works Christmas dinner. It felt like a tumbleweed moment and was meet by a barrage of "oh I couldn't leave xxx for that long", "I'm just not ready yet" etc etc. Ds is 12 weeks and bf with the exception of one bottle before bed which dp always gives him. I left him alone with dp when he was just 3 weeks to go shopping and to have a bit of space and left dp with bottles of expressed milk just in case.

I know each parent is different but am I really doing something so wrong leaving my pfb for 3-4 hours and should I be feeling more attached?

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 14/12/2013 14:28

I just wish that sometimes when I am getting a hard time for pointing out that many women prefer to look after their own babies than have a career that I could have some back up and not everyone saying that women don't have special qualities! I also get fed up with those who moan that the man doesn't help when he hasn't been allowed sole charge for the first year and is expected to click in when he is finally allowed to. ( or he can't even select clothes for them without being told which ones etc!)

puntasticusername · 14/12/2013 14:35

Satin yeah, I do see where you're coming from I think.

SatinSandals · 14/12/2013 16:07

I am sorry-I am not putting it well! I have just been on so many threads where people get upset that it is assumed that the woman is the baby carer when they think the man can do it all except bfeed and then I come on here to be told that the woman gave birth, she is more suited and hormones kick in. I agree, but where are these people on the other threads when I need them?!
The other threads that annoy me are the ones where the man is useless but the woman assumes control and wants the man to do it all to her specifications. If I do something I do it to my specifications and if DH doesn't like he can do it it himself! Therefore I don't tell him how to do anything.
There are many times in my life when I have been dying to do something and haven't been allowed to because someone assumes control-they then eventually let you do it, when the novelty has worn off and you are supposed to jump to it and do your bit. In reality you think-you assumed control you get on with it! I think it is a bit like that with a baby, if you assume total control then you can't expect the man to do his fair share later when you happen to want him to.
Probably putting it badly again.
Perhaps people on here don't wander onto feminist threads.

SatinSandals · 14/12/2013 16:12

I really don't judge people who like yo stay worth their babies or people that are happy to leave them. I think people should do what works for them and their families.

This is the important thing and people who say 'oh I couldn't possibly leave my baby' tend to sound judgemental.
Each to their own. If OP wants to go, then go and it is no judgement on how good a mother she is, you can be glued to your baby at all all times and still be a terrible mother!

Tailtwister · 14/12/2013 20:09

This is the important thing and people who say 'oh I couldn't possibly leave my baby' tend to sound judgemental.

OK, so these women who genuinely couldn't leave their babies have to lie to make sure they don't offend mothers who do? I guess that's the way forward then, because if you don't then you will end up being called nasty names like has happened on this thread.

The chances are that OP read far more into what these women said than was actually meant. I seriously doubt any of them set out to upset her, but if she is confident in her own decisions then surely it shouldn't bother her one way or the other. Unfortunately, some people have taken it upon themselves to be downright offensive to some groups of mothers on this thread and that pisses me off.

I never left my babies because I didn't want to. I wanted to be with them more than I wanted to be out. That's not a judgement on people who feel differently, just a fact. Their father had lots of input and time with them, settling them after feeds, taking them out in the pram etc. Just because I didn't leave them in the evenings or overnight, doesn't mean I was selfish and didn't trust him.

I don't care what other mothers do one way or the other, but find it a bit rich when people harp on about 'judging' other mothers on threads like these, but then do exactly the same thing back.

Whistleblower0 · 14/12/2013 20:48

Tailtwister it is seriously unhealty to never be apart from your child. There you go. Perfectly prepared to say i'm judgeing people like this.

WoTmania · 14/12/2013 21:28

I think a lot more is being read into those mothers' words than was probably meant. They wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to leave their babies at 12 weeks. They weren't necessarily judging the OP.
Some posters on here however are begin really judgemental about not wanting to leave a small baby.
DH did loads around the house and with our DC when they were babies but I still wouldn't have left hem at 12 weeks. SO what, other people are more than welcome to leave their babies for a night at that age. There's nothing unhealthy about not wanting to leave them either. DD didn't stay away overnight until she was over 3, she happy, confident outgoing and more than happy to stay away the night now.

WoTmania · 14/12/2013 21:29

she's happy not she

Procrastreation · 14/12/2013 21:56

They're just jealous they've not been invited anywhere that requires dressing up & leaving DC!

Whistleblower0 · 14/12/2013 22:18

Yep. I think there might be such truth in thatprocrast

puntasticusername · 14/12/2013 22:50

Huh. This is the second time I've seen this particular Thing on mn in the last few days.

op question;
responses, some helpful, some judgy;
someone points out that mn is supposed to be about supporting other parents, not judging them, and that it's generally advantageous if people can refrain from getting their knickers in too much of a twist because another parent is doing things differently to them;
there's a backlash of "sure, that's a great rule in general, but you know...I'm still going to judge people about because I REALLY do think that in this case my own point of view is actually the only possible correct one - that's reasonable, right?".

Honestly? Is that really how it is supposed to work?

SatinSandals · 14/12/2013 22:53

OP read enough in it to it to doubt herself and wonder if she was abnormal to leave the other equal parent in charge and go out for a few hours.

Cat98 · 14/12/2013 23:04

Whistleblower - that is utter rubbish. Sorry but it is.
How is it 'unhealthy'? I presume you're not talking about the first 18 years btw ...

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 14/12/2013 23:42

cat - I'm with Whistle, I honestly think it's unhealthy for one parent to be permanently attached to a child. I've written up there ^^ about my friend who didn't leave her baby at all - not even with his Dad for over a year. The first time she left him (with dad - who was desperate to have the DS on his own) she spent the day crying and carrying round a photo of her baby (clutched in her hand, not jsut in a purse to sneak a glance at)
That isn't healthy.

monicalewinski · 15/12/2013 00:03

There's extremes all round to be fair.

If you are perfectly mentally rational you make these decisions with a level head. Go for a night out, leave the baby with someone else for a few hours, or just feel that "do you know what, I actually want to be around my baby coz (s)he's amazing".

Everyone has a wee bit of unsureness one way or another at times, but generally it's all ok.

Sometimes, due to pnd or just general hormone driven irrationality, you get fixated on particular things and presume that people are judging everything you do - even though they really probably aren't; the worst time in my life for completely overthinking every comment and well meaning bit of advice was the first few months after my pfb - as it turned out I had pnd, I took every opportunity I could to hand him over to my husband so I could get away from him, looking back I was so desperately unhappy and struggling.

With my 2nd, I was a completely different person - I went out if a good offer presented itself, or I would say "thanks, but I really just want to have a night in with the baby" and it was all good.

SatinSandals · 15/12/2013 07:31

I think that second children have it much easier, the mother is more relaxed, they are handed around more and they just have to fit in- much healthier for them. I was my mother's pfb, much easier for my siblings!

Cat98 · 15/12/2013 18:01

But how are whistleblowers comments any less mean than saying its unhealthy for the baby to be apart from its main carer at such a young age?
Many people believe that, to be fair. And there is some kind of biological evidence pointing towards this.
I am not saying I agree - especially if baby will be left with dad. But I don't think you can say its unhealthy, and even if so it's certainly not unhealthy for the baby.

WoTmania · 15/12/2013 18:12

I don't think anyone has said it's unhealthy to be away for a time at that age, have they? Just that mothers shouldn't feel the need to justify themselves either way and that it's also fine to not want to go out.

Cat98 · 15/12/2013 18:21

That's what was believed to have been implied in the op and all the people slagging off bf groups :(

Whistleblower0 · 15/12/2013 18:54

Cat but you see BF groups are the exactly the sort of place that one would be discouraged from doing anything remotely interesting or independant of the 'family' not surprised at all that it was such a group that this happened to the op.
I"m afraid they attract the dullards, and some..

Cat98 · 15/12/2013 19:21

Again- judgemental and tarring all attendees with the same brush. You're not listening to the alternative pov so I'm out.

WoTmania · 15/12/2013 22:25

Mmm, nope, none of the BF groups I've been to have been full of 'dullards' (that lovely sneering tone again).
Often though they have mothers who's MILs are telling them to stop BF because they want 'their turn' feeding the baby. Or telling them they should go out for the evening and that they are precious and over involved if they don't want to. Or telling them their milk isn't good enough. Or that their baby feeds too often, or for too long etc....

No one should be pressured to go out and leave their baby before they feel they and their baby are ready. Plenty of time to do stuff independently once your babies are a bit bigger. No time and they'll probably be in school F/T, doing after school clubs and you barely see them.
Each to their own really - either go out if you want to or don't.

puntasticusername · 16/12/2013 08:30

Wow, whistleblower, that really is some world-class judging and generalising you've got going on there. Well done. Nice one.

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