to go to the work Christmas party and leave my pfb?

[BocaDeTrucha]

At my weekly breastfeeding group yesterday, I mentioned going to my works Christmas dinner. It felt like a tumbleweed moment and was meet by a barrage of "oh I couldn't leave xxx for that long", "I'm just not ready yet" etc etc. Ds is 12 weeks and bf with the exception of one bottle before bed which dp always gives him. I left him alone with dp when he was just 3 weeks to go shopping and to have a bit of space and left dp with bottles of expressed milk just in case.

I know each parent is different but am I really doing something so wrong leaving my pfb for 3-4 hours and should I be feeling more attached?

It's illegal to advertise infant formula - a support group isn't advertising/promoting.

Someone was right earlier saying this thread had gone a bit off the subject. I only wanted a bit of reassurance that I wasnt being a crap mum by choosing to leave my phone with his dad whilst I went out.... And thanks to those of you who have reassured me and wished me a good time.

Discussing the rights and wrongs of a bf group should be started elsewhere. Other than the odd comment here and there it has been a great support for me in a foreign country where I know very few people and have no extended family at all..

Haha.... Pfb, not phone.... I wouldn't dream of leaving that with him!! (still getting to grips with one- handed typing whilst bfing a wriggling baby)

It's responsible parenting to ensure that your DH has plenty of hands on time with his son. It is simply not the same when you are hovering in the background.

Have fun at the party.

Well OP, with all due respect if you start a thread in AIBU it's not unusual for it to take a few twists and turns. You may have started the thread, but you don't own each and every post which is in it. This is a public forum and if people are being deliberately nasty in relation to women who don't want to leave their babies (for whatever reason), then other posters have the right to reply to that. Women who attend breastfeeding groups were called various nasty names and those people who have found attending these groups useful weren't going to sit on their hands simply because you feel it wasn't appropriate on your thread.

That said, I hope you have a lovely time. Nobody has any right to make you feel bad about doing that.

Go go go!

You need time alone to maintain your sanity and a sane mummy is a far better mummy!

x

I still reiterate that (24/7 breast feeding babies excepted ) it is incredibly sad that some mothers just won't leave their PFB with the baby's own father. I would love to explore the reasons why women won't do that?

You get endless threads on mumsnet about how fathers aren't taking a proper role in caring for their own children but you still get some mothers who feel they have to be 'in control' of their children at all times. Why?

If it isn't about lack of trust or selfishness, punctasticusername, why does the man not get time with the baby all on his own?

Just seen your post Ragwort and it is the thing that I don't understand either. Why isn't the man doing everything from the start on his own initiative, other than breast feeding?
It appears to me that the woman has to be the one with control and then when they finally surface they moan that the man doesn't do anything! Why would he start after about 3 years when his wife can't even go out for an evening when the child is a baby? Why does she need to issue instructions as if he is a babysitter?

I agree Satin but I would love to hear from one of those mums their reasons, I mean it genuinely, I don't want to call anyone a martyr but why are so many women not prepared to let the father take full responsibility for their own child .

It never even dawned on me not to leave our DS with my DH - and of course I didn't have to leave a list of instructions.

I think (someone tell me I'm wrong) that some mothers really can't accept that anyone else can look after their baby.

My DH was hands on from the start. I didn't have to tell him anything, we were both clueless together!
I was asking a real question, wanting an answer-
If you trust them and you are not selfish, why would you not leave them with their father? What other reason could there be?

Anyone? What other reasons?

I wonder if it is a biological thing rogwort the need to care for the offspring and women find it difficult to transfer carenot that i had that instinct i was a leg it kind of new mum and gave dh his role and let him get on with it he was more than capable

Wow Satin you're not going to let this go are you!

I think mrsjay is right. Instincts, hormones etc all play a part. A woman's body has been through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and a man's hasn't. It's natural to want to keep your baby close, especially in the early weeks. For some women that time period is longer than for others. Why? I don't know, maybe breastfeeding prolongs it? Perhaps it has something to do with the mother or baby's personality?

What I do know is that women who don't want to leave their babies shouldn't have to justify why to anyone, any more than women who want to go out for the evening should. To label people one way or the other as selfish or irresponsible is nasty whichever way you look at it. Surely a woman should be able to mother her child as she sees fit, without criticism from outsiders especially other women.

Not really, Tailtwister I just feel so sorry for the men who never get time alone and are always supervised. I don't think women would like it if they were never alone and could only do things under supervision. I am all for fairness. Women appear to want a lot from men, endless threads are on MN about men who don't pull their weight, who can't even pick up towels etc but then half the time the woman wants the control and can plead hormones!
I agree that women who don't want to leave their babies shouldn't have to justify it, but neither should they make it a virtue and make others feel guilty.

women like it or not have that bond with their babies that dads do not even if the dads are hands on a mothers bond is stronger and I agree however a mum decides when to leave her baby shouldnt be judged same as the mum who is fine with it, I think it only becomes a problem for mother and baby when baby is a bit older and mum still can't/wont let go

The thread is about women making other women feel guilty- that is what is wrong. OP was quite happy until others made out they were better mothers and she shouldn't want a few hours off.

Satin

Sorry to keep you hanging, was offline most of yesterday

I'm not honestly sure I can answer your question in a way that will incline you to change your views, but I'll have a stab.

For me (and obv I'm the only person I speak for here), it was as a pp said I think - I simply felt this overwhelmingly strong urge to stay with my baby. I don't know where it came from - partly to do with breastfeeding and partly general mummy hormones, I'm sure - but there was no denying it. And I just had to go with it, or I would have been incredibly unhappy.

There was nothing consciously martyrish or selfish about my behaviour. I know it did appear that way to others sometimes. Like you, some people looked at my behaviour and made a couple of great flying assumptions about the causes of that behaviour. I found that patronising, unsympathetic and very unhelpful. I was desperate to be a good mum and here were people slagging off my best efforts?! Yeah, thanks, I needed that!

I also resented that they were putting themselves at the middle of the situation and making it about THEM, rather than my DS. They wanted to look after him because THEY wanted to look after him. It didn't seem to be about what was best for him. My inward response to that was sod off, grow up and get over it. You're the adult here.

With hindsight, possibly I could have done more to try and counter the feeling a little sooner, and push myself to behave differently. But at the time, I didn't want to, it wasn't causing any problems and it would have caused me a lot of stress to try and change. My wonderful DH Got It completely and we worked things out in a way we were both happy with - he got the time he wanted with DS. So if he, I and DS were all happy, that was enough for me.

You mention women "wanting it all" - wanting help with the baby and then complaining because no one else does things right. I'm sure it's an issue with some people, but not me, so if that suggestion was directed at me then you can, with the greatest of respect, stick it I listen to DH quite a bit on parenting matters as it happens. He's a wonderful, instinctive father whereas I tend to get myself tied up in knots through over thinking stuff.

Finally, the one up man ship thing - again, I'm sure some people do this, but I don't. Everyone parents in whatever way works best for them and I would never attempt to suggest that the more hours you spend with your offspring, the better mother you are. Each to their own.

Does that make any sense?

Tl;dr - some mothers just don't want to leave their babies. That's simply the way it is for them, they don't think it makes them better than other mums, don't go looking for sinister motives that don't exist.

By the way, my Velcro-motherhood did resolve itself naturally - he's nearly three now, has been very happily attending nursery and staying over with DGPs since age 10 months or so. I have no issues at all these days with palming him off on others

satin i currently do not leave my baby at night because -

it is the one time he seems to get having me and I bf.

I already work long hours and as such I don't feel right about leaving him day and night. Also my breasts would likely get sore and I have had mastitis when I have not fed before due to being too long without feeding.

I am not judging others - each baby and mother is different.

FWIW my first would not take a bottle so ff or expressed milk was not an option - it did not stop me working full time - but even then I did not like to go night and day without my baby,it is just me.

I have had millions of nights out before kids so am not that bothered.

A christmas party is not top of my list - it is just that for me to leave the baby at night it has got to be something pretty amazing - like friends and a glass of wine or an amazing concert, not for a work function!

By the way I am seen at work it seems like a party pooper - but it is my choice. Funnily the ones who are judging me are the ones who do not have children - I wouldn't be able to drink and it is pretty horrific when you have kids that still wake in the night to go -

5am bf

6am shower

6.45am out the door

Work 8 to 6 pm with 20 mn lunch

Pre Xmas party drinks 6.30 to 7.30 pm

Xmas Party 7.30 pm to midnight

Home 1.15 am

Up at 5 am or earlier

then do it all again...

I do not judge others at all, but I think people who judge me just don't know my lifestyle.

If you're happy then do it.

Your BF chums would lynch me - when DD was 12 weeks she had already had 2 overnighters with my parents!

I also went back to work when she was 18 weeks. I did feel it hanging over me throughout my maternity leave, but was really glad I didn't leave it longer.

Two of my friends and I had our babies within 10 days - theirs were 9 and 12 months when they went back to work. I would have found it so much harder at that point.

Do what works for you and your family and remember no one can make you feel inferior (or guilty!) without your consent.

Enjoy your party!

Go for it OP - I left my 5 week old PSB (precious second born ) to go to my office Christmas do this week. She survived and so did DH - in fact I came home to a quiet house and DD had one of her best sleeps to date. I was in agony of engorgement by the time she needed a feed from me though!

Has anyone considered that the women at OP's breastfeeding group were just stating the fact that they couldn't leave their babies yet? Why shouldn't they be able to say that? If OP is confident in her choices then why should it matter what other people think anyway. I seriously doubt any of the other mothers care particularly whether OP goes out or not. It's her baby after all, not theirs.

The reason that I keep banging on about it, I realise it is tedious, is because of the double standard on here. I am constantly told that the father is the equal parent and why on earth should the mother be the one to give up her career or go part time, why is it assumed the mother will be the carer? Why can't the man do 50% and both work flexi time? Etc etc etc. when I say that I adored being at home with a baby and small children and it beats any career and I don't want to share maternity leave etc I am denigrated.
I realise those are different people, I hope so or it is very hypocritical.
I wouldn't leave mine at that age but then I don't like work parties so it would be a great excuse!
Whether the women meant to make her feel guilty or not is questionable but it comes over loud and clear that they think they are a better mother. I can see the mother might not want to go, but the baby is quite happy with Dad if he has done the carrying in a sling, the bathtimes , soothed when crying etc. And although I loved it I did let him have equal care when he was around, without issuing a single instruction.

puntasticusername. That was a thoughtful post and I agree. I really don't judge people who like yo stay worth their babies or people that are happy to leave them. I think people should do what works for them and their families.

I'm a bit about those that don't let their partners do anything then complain about them not helping. I have seen this happen.