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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go to the work Christmas party and leave my pfb?

198 replies

BocaDeTrucha · 12/12/2013 10:55

At my weekly breastfeeding group yesterday, I mentioned going to my works Christmas dinner. It felt like a tumbleweed moment and was meet by a barrage of "oh I couldn't leave xxx for that long", "I'm just not ready yet" etc etc. Ds is 12 weeks and bf with the exception of one bottle before bed which dp always gives him. I left him alone with dp when he was just 3 weeks to go shopping and to have a bit of space and left dp with bottles of expressed milk just in case.

I know each parent is different but am I really doing something so wrong leaving my pfb for 3-4 hours and should I be feeling more attached?

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 11:12

Yeah your probably right giles.

I don't think there should be seperate groups for either, just groups for mums who need support/friends/etc, where yes they can then get BF support or FF support or whatever they may need.
But the idea of exclusive BFeeding groups just doesn't seem right to me.

Cat98 · 13/12/2013 11:14

Lj - ask the women these groups have helped. I'm one of them. I'd say their existence is very 'right'. I'm bloody glad my local bf group was there.

Showy · 13/12/2013 11:18

We used to have what you describe Lj8893. Our local new mother group also included the breastfeeding café. What happened was that a very vulnerable and unhappy new mothers who was struggling with breastfeeding would turn up for specific and very important help and she'd wait around while the health visitor dealt with questions over immunisations or colic or reflux or routines or nappy rash. Her baby would be crying and she'd be struggling to latch on, she'd be crying, she'd perhaps not have the words to explain to a group of people bottle feeding content, quiet babies that she was there because she was struggling. She'd feel overwhelmed and unsupported.

So we separated it out. And when the vulnerable new mum walked in, she knew that every woman there had bfed. She knew that the group was dedicated to supporting that aspect of child care. And she knew that she'd get help from trained counsellors and supporters who'd bfed themselves. And the other group was still there for all the other concerns.

It's addressing a need, not penalising a choice.

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 11:18

It took me a while to get over the guilt that I was having to ff my child. I still get quite anxious and down about it now tbh. There's no support group for that though is there!
And like giles said, alot of hospitals don't give you any guidance of how to make up a bottle, how to bottle feed your baby etc etc. maybe a group that can advise and support you with that is a good idea?

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 11:24

Anyway, none of this is relevant to the thread.

Have a great time OP Smile

Showy · 13/12/2013 11:25

The information about how to make up a bottle/feed a baby should be on the tin of formula. And a health visitor is trained to help with this. A health visitor isn't trained to help with breastfeeding.

I know what you mean about the guilt. I felt extraordinary guilt over having a caesarean and plunged into pnd and ptsd. I found it very hard to hear people talk about vaginal births. But over years and after having counselling/help, I realised that my feelings of disappointment and guilt came from me. I couldn't go round complaining about support groups for people having vaginal repair surgery not including me because they were separate issues.

There may be no specific support groups for ff (and if there were, there'd be a right ding dong about what that implied), but hvs should be trained to help with formula feeding and there is support out there for new mothers feeling anxious. Your hv/midwife/gp should be the first port of call for accessing this support and you must go and address it if you can. A woman struggling with bfing doesn't need support for her feelings alone, she needs a trained counsellor to help her with the myriad problems that can arise with bfing.

And if you think a ff support group is necessary, start one!

WoTmania · 13/12/2013 11:29

Breastfeeding support groups (and charities) are often run by peer supporters or breastfeeding counsellors (LLL, NCT etc).
They exist because many mothers face problems with breastfeeding. These problems may include:

Problems getting started with position and attachment/sleepy baby/breastfeeding after C-section r traumatic birth

Lack of information on what's normal - so feeding on demand, little and often , how to know if you're baby is getting enough milk.

Unpleasant/critical attitudes from family and friends especially wrt feedling in public and not going out and leaving baby with someone else, or frequency of feeding or just general 'urgh'' I don't know why you're doing that'

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 11:35

I completely understand the necessity for the support, and appriciate why a women struggling to bf would rather go to a group exclusively for mothers in the same situation. Perhaps if I had attended such a group than I wouldn't have needed to ff.

But groups that have t-shirts?? That's what comes across as not right to me, that doesn't seem like its a group for BFeeding mothers looking for support but more a group of the sort of people who would judge someone like myself.

My hv is great and very helpful, but I know not all are like her.

I don't think there is a need for a ff group, but there is a need for more support for ff mums. The fact it is illegal to "promote" ff doesn't help the guilt lets be honest!

Whistleblower0 · 13/12/2013 11:36

This thread is not about BF people. You can discuss this at your little groups
It's about going out for an evening occassionally, yknow,with some adult company, and talking about something other than your kids
I think a few of you on this thread might be steuggling with that concept.Smile

Whistleblower0 · 13/12/2013 11:38

Struggling even.

WoTmania · 13/12/2013 11:38

AFAIK usually the ones with t-shirts are to mar out the PSs or BFCs - usually they're part of a local BF network.

Also Lj - you say you still feel guilty etc sometimes. Really sorry to hear that. We all do the best we can for our families with the info and support we have at the time. I's just a thought but people like LLL and the NCT counsellors are trained in telephone counselling; this includes helping mothers who have reluctantly FF to 'debrief'. Would calling one of them help maybe?

WoTmania · 13/12/2013 11:41

Why the sneery tone Whistle?
I think you're just as bad as the 'oh I couldn't possibly leave my baby' lot who often are just justifying themselves because of comments like yours above. It is possible to not leave your baby and still have conversations with other adults you know.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/12/2013 11:42

Well a ff support group may well be of use in deprived areas and areas with low literacy levels. Yeah the instructions are there but you do need to be able to read them.

And perhaps also have people there who can stress the importance of not diluting formula to stretch it out, and some help in ensuring that they are getting everything they are entitled money wise to make sure they can afford formula.

But again I guess that would detach from getting them to bf. It is a tricky one though as in sure that these problems do occur and they could use somewhere to go for help.

Whistleblower0 · 13/12/2013 11:45

This thread has been hijacked by the BF brigade. I'm off [ smile]

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/12/2013 11:51

Not quite I was a ff lol Wink

Shallistopnow · 13/12/2013 11:58

Is over-diluting formula a widespread problem?

There is an official leaflet on formula feeding available from children's centres etc but I know people don't like the fact that you should only make 1 bottle at a time so prob ignore the instructions anyway. What other support is needed with ff? As long as they're gaining weight I don't see the problem. Bf support groups are often run by volunteers so as others have said, start your own!

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 12:03

Its not just about reading the instructions on the tin though.

I had fully intended to bf, but after 4 days of a hungry screaming baby who was clearly not getting enough milk, I sent dp out as soon as the local supermarket opened to get what we needed for ff.

Its taken me 6 weeks to finally feel like I know how to ff, lots of trial and error with different bottles, formula, ways of making bottles up when out etc.

6 weeks and now she's starting to refuse a bottle.

So yes there is certainly more to it than...

"Probably because most people are FFing their baby after 6 months, because they don't need info on how to do it - there are instructions on the side and you just put the artificial nipple in the baby's mouth and away you go."

Shallistopnow · 13/12/2013 12:12

Did you go to a bf support group Lj? Have you thought about getting specialist help with relactation ? It may be possible as your baby is still quite young.

WoTmania · 13/12/2013 12:13

Then why don't FF mums start their own groups? LLL for example started when some mothers were at a church picnic and BF and other mothers kept coming up and saying they couldn't, or didn't have enough milk but would have liked to and they realised there was a need for accurate information
The first WAB was simply the questions they were asked the most typed up, with answers, and put into booklet form. Why not do something like that for FF?

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/12/2013 12:15

I agree lj

I'm ine of the lucky ones who had a decent education has family support and can read the tin along side babies who drank well from bottles.

That's why i mentioned about deprived areas and those with low literacy levels who may well struggle to read the tub, and/or be so skint that they have to stretch out the formula. Which can make baby sick, it doesn't take a he you'd to work out that it's measured out for a reason and tampering with that isn't good. You wouldn't double up on medication or take less than needed for that reason.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/12/2013 12:15

Bloody phone. Genius too work

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 12:16

Because as others have pointed out, its illegal to promote ff, so having a support group would probably be seen as promoting it and I don't fancy getting myself into that sort of trouble!
I do think that there should be more support out there, but not in an exclusive ff group way.

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 12:23

shall no I didn't, purely because the advice and support I got in the hospital was pretty dire (apart from 1 fantastic scbu nurse) that I was worried I would get the same rubbish and it would stress me out further.
I have thought about getting help to relactate but tbh I don't want to put myself or my baby through the potential stress, and I am lucky I have a very good hv who has given me some great advice ref bottle refusal.
If I have another baby I will certainly give BFeeding another go.

Shallistopnow · 13/12/2013 12:27

Don't SMA, Aptamil etc provide ff advice on their websites? They seem to give bf advice so surely they do for ff too!

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/12/2013 12:33

Again, no use if you can't read or don't have a computer. Are you deliberately missing the point.