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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
youretoastmildred · 12/12/2013 10:00

to the people who don't understand what the OP's husband is suggesting here, and why it is an issue, it is not:

"we like to pop out into the fresh air and have a quick drink and say hi to our neighbours in the pub on Christmas day"

that would be reasonable enough. The OP is trying to interpret her husband's suggestion as amounting to that, which is why she is suggesting ways that they could all do that. But the suggestions are making him mardy. Because they are ruining his real idea which is

"we like to reinforce our sense of, as men, having servants, while going out all free and easy precisely when our women, the ones we own, can't go anywhere, and if they actually physically could by arranging it so, we won't let them anyway because the outing is no fun unless it against a context where people are at that moment working for us to make a delicious dinner that we will come back to and it will be ready the second we walk in the door"

Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 10:00

Okay just read some more of this. How about you book a pub lunch for everyone and then nobody is doing all the cooking or cleaning and everyone gets a break?
Next year make it clear it will be somebody else's job in the family to host accordingly.

curlew · 12/12/2013 10:01

"
I only ask because I know that a lot of women younger than me say "I am not particularly feminist, but I do expect equality" which warms my heart, because thats what my mothers generation and to a much lesser extent mine, fought for and it means we won."

Well, it would mean we had won if they were actually getting the equality we fought for. Or if they were recognising when they weren't....

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 10:08

lessmiss why do you feel sorry for my husband?

wfrances · 12/12/2013 10:08

yanbu
dh family tradition was to got to the pub ,with his dad and brothers while his mum cooked the dinner.
his mum never minded so that's fine but our first Christmas together we had a week old baby, so it was out of the question.
17 years later hes only gone to the pub once and that's when we had a huge family dinner and the house was hectic so all the men (4 of them went out for an hour while 6 of us women did the dinner .
it didn't bother me, on that occasion as they did all the dishes /tidying up ect.
Christmas day is a family day, all together, not some partying away in the pub and the others slaving over a hot stove.

Nettee · 12/12/2013 10:10

I know people who do this and value the tradition.

On the bright side it will only be the christmases that you spend with his family so won't happen every year.

It is only half an hour

You might find you have a cosy time with the women of the family which you value too?

Hope the men do the washing up as part of the deal and that you have a good day.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 12/12/2013 10:13

We have a similar thing in our family.

I'm as anti sexist attitudes as there can be. But I'm 47 and this tradition started before I was born. It doesn't bother me at all. So long as your DH and his family are not generally misogynistic then I think YABU to mind.

But YANBU to be a bit nervous over hosting for the first time. I think that's what this is really about. Have a stiff drink on the day to calm your nerves (just one before ) and enjoy it all

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 10:15

Because you come across as intolerant of anyone who doesn't conform to your own thinking Mister. And you lack appreciation of how cowed and old fashioned it cones across to those of us who are not.

Jinglebellsforthebetter · 12/12/2013 10:16

It won't be half an hour.

OP has every right to feel aggrieved at this. It's a sexist, 1950s style approach to Christmas (though I remember my father doing this n the late 70s/early 80s.

Washing up after is not the same. There is no pressure for a start. Washer-uppers can slope off leaving a job half-done and no one will comment. Unless they are regularly involved in housework, they will most likely put stuff away on the wrong place or leave some muggins to do it.

OP stand your ground WineWineWineWine Smile

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 10:17

'A cosy time with the women of the family' Nettee? LOL!

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 10:19

Because you come across as intolerant of anyone who doesn't conform to your own thinking Mister.

Oh the hypocrisy is breathtaking! Was it not you who suggested that you would walk out on your husband if he even suggested this?

differentnameforthis · 12/12/2013 10:20

It's his family tradition. Christmases are steeped in family tradition.

I wouldn't mind at all if dh did this.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 10:21

Can't believe the number of people still offering solutions like wash the veg the night before, get the turkey ready, do a soup as it's easy. IT'S NOT ABOUT COOKING THE FUCKING MEAL! It's not even about cooking the meal alone, or doing it with just the MIL's help, or even him going to the pub with his dad - it would be exactly the same if the DH had said he's going for a lie down before dinner as that's what he usually does before Xmas dinner and can she make sure the dinner is put on while he's napping.

It's about the ASSUMPTION that she would fall into line with his suggestion that he can do what the fuck he wants and that she has to accept she's not invited. His mother never uttered a peep about it in 40 years (or however long she's been with his dad) so he's not expecting his wife to. It's the assumption that she won't mind being the wee wifey at home getting the food ready when he's out enjoying himself. If it was another day apart from Xmas day when they are hosting his parents, or he'd presented it better - i.e. asked if she minded (not that he needs permission before you all jump on that but because it's the polite thing to do) then I'm sure it would have been fine.

I base my expectations on how I want to be treated on how I would and do treat others. I would never suggest what the OP's DH has as I would not like it being done to me. Maybe I'm hard line but unless you expect respect you won't get it. If this tradition continues as I said before in 20 years time it'll be 3 generations of men down the pub before Xmas dinner. If you have a daughter and if I was that daughter I'd be very pissed off with you as my mother allowing that while I'm expected to stay home with the women in the kitchen. It's not about wanting to be at the pub (I wouldn't) but I will fight for my right to be at the pub and to make my own choice accordingly.

differentnameforthis · 12/12/2013 10:24

clam Op's MIL said she would do the food of op wanted to go. She obviously doesn't want to.

Not everything a man does is sexist! He is allowed to pop out for a drink with his dad, as part of a tradition without being sexist.

ViviPru · 12/12/2013 10:24

Precisely, Tabliope

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 10:25

I may have missed something, but as far as I can see the OP has only posted twice on this thread and both posts seemed quite calm.

On the other hand bits of this thread are like chucking out time on a Saturday night...

Is it something to do with putting the word pub in the thread title?

ViviPru · 12/12/2013 10:26

I've never witnessed such steadfastly spectacular missing of the point as there is demonstrated on this thread

Nettee · 12/12/2013 10:29

Why Not LessMiss? The men are going to have a nice time together in the pub why can't the women have a nice time together?

Unless the OP does not like her MIL.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 10:29

I think it is sexist. I don't think the DH's sister will be going if she comes for Xmas. I think it's clear it's just the men. Because if the pub trip wasn't just for the men then one of the solutions/compromises made by the OP so she and the MIL could go would have been accepted by the DH. And he didn't like either. The MIL has been conditioned clearly in my view. She doesn't want to kick a fuss up. She's in the middle. She doesn't want to upset the men in her life but equally I would say she gets the OP's point, which is why she said you go. The MIL is beyond having an opinion. I've seen this mirrored in my own parent's marriage. My mother would do anything to keep the peace.

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 10:31

Certainly Mister, I would walk out on a man who treated me that badly. Thankfully, I've never been in the 'hang onto your man at all costs' brigade.

And I wouldn't be 'grateful' for him being a 'good husband' the rest of the time.

How else is a husband meant to behave?

I feel you and I have slightly differing expectations from our marriages.

Nettee · 12/12/2013 10:34

After all at a big family Christmas there are always spinter groups - those that fancy a walk after lunch, those that get involved in washing up in the kitchen, those that have a chat and a sit down while others play a game.

This is just a preplanned splitting up of the group down gender lines. Yes it is probably sexist and I can understand the OP not liking it as it is not her tradition but maybe embracing her DH's traditions some years would be worth a try and she might even find herself enjoying it.

pianodoodle · 12/12/2013 10:34

cosy time with the women of the family

Confused

Yes they could do each other's hair and make themselves look nice and pretty by the time everyone gets back Wink

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 10:34

And agree tabliope.

I expect there wouldn't have been a problem if he had discussed the plan for Xmas day before announcing what he was going to do infront of his mother.

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 10:35

Nettee I dont agree with the division of men and women. I like doing things together with my DH. That's why I'm with him.

My idea of a 'cosy' time isn't spending it with just women. Id rather spend it with people. Of both sexes.

No way would my mother have put up with my father going down the pub either!

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 10:35

I'm with you there Less.

This is being seen as a minor point by so many - but what it signifies is so much more to me - assumptions and expectations foisted by someone onto someone else, disregarding their views completely. That is not over-thinking something.

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