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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 14:37

differentnameforthis

can you read? Seriously op only posted twice and has explained...that she is not allowed to go. She asked if she could go. It would "spoil" everything.

Please everyone stop saying she can go. This is why it is rude and sexist. She is not allowed to go. She is only allowed to cook dinner with MIL

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 14:38

THE ARGUMENT IS BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN TOLD IF SHE GOES IT WILL SPOIL EVERYTHING.

crunchypower · 12/12/2013 14:59

Yes but if the husband goes it will spoil OP's Xmas. Just go

Aberchips · 12/12/2013 15:05

Not sure why you particularly want to go OP - it will just be full of men escaping from their families wives on Christmas Day. *runs for cover

QuintessentialShadows · 12/12/2013 15:14

Personally, I would LTB. Take the kids off and spend Christmas with your own family, wherever that is...

If my presence during Christmas is spoiling it for people, then clearly that says a lot about what people think about me.

No way would I skivvy and work and cook to make a great Christmas dinner for people who think my presence Spoils the occasion.

What a dick your husband is.

Is he not thinking that HE rather spoils if for YOU, by bugging off to the pub and telling you your present is undesirable?
He has firmly put you in your place, has he not?

ViviPru · 12/12/2013 15:26

telling you your present is undesirable?

She cant do anything right can she?!

QuintessentialShadows · 12/12/2013 15:27

I wonder what I typed to make auto-correct change it to "Present".

ViviPru · 12/12/2013 15:38

there is no rhyme nor reason to the mystical ways of the autocorrect

pianodoodle · 12/12/2013 15:46

And another thing (if it hasn't already been mentioned)

Why was he able to manage for the past two years without this "tradition" if it's so important to him?!

He decided - no - insisted they have Christmas on their own, now his family are invited and the wife has been "informed" of how it's going to happen. Not asked...informed!

BasilCranberrySauceEater · 12/12/2013 16:33

He sounds absolutely horrible.

As Freya pointed out, for 2 christmases in a row he insisted on doing without this tradition.

Now suddenly he has to have this tradition and if his wife joined in, her being there would spoil it for him.

His wife's presence would spoil Christmas.

That would be enough for me to want to LTB tbh. If me being in the pub with someone is enough to spoil their christmas, WTF is he doing married to me?

And to cap it all, the OP is now too scared to raise it with him because she knows he's going to kick off again when she raises the subject next. He's made it so clear to her that any mention of it will result in merry hell, that she can't raise it. What does that sound like? When you make your partner too scared about an issue to raise it with you? It doesn't sound like a reasonable, equal relationship to me.

BasilCranberrySauceEater · 12/12/2013 16:37

Basically her presence there will spoil things for him because it interferes with his image of himself relaxing and enjoying himself while his skivvy wife does all the hard work bits of getting the christmas dinner ready.

It interferes with the pater familias image he's got somewhere deep down in the unconscious recesses of his brain.

The OP's role is to fit into his image, not to inconveniently spoil things for him by reminding him that she's a human being who might not want to slot into his fantasy of a perfect christmas day by behaving as his servant.

Sheesh, I can't believe so many people are blind to what he's saying about how much he values Lettucelamp.

pianodoodle · 12/12/2013 16:46

basil

I agree and I'm a bit about all the various suggestions as to how the OP could go along with it as they miss the whole point of what is being proposed plus the fact that she was just "informed" of what was expected of her!

MysterySpots · 12/12/2013 17:02

I don't think that he meant that iher going would spoil the trip to the pub but that her raising the fact that she was unhappy with the expectation that he should go the pub 'spoiled it now'. Slightly less unpleasant but still pretty childish and bratty.

Mim78 · 12/12/2013 17:20

Does the op have kids? I got the impression not.if so that makes it 100 times worse as she is supposed to entertain them as well as cooking.

IloveJudgeJudy · 12/12/2013 18:02

On a bit of a tangent I worked with a person in their 20s who always left just their mother at home, cooking the CD dinner while the rest of the family (father, colleague, colleague's BF, brother and bro's partner) all went to the pub. I asked her about it and she told me that her mother didn't mind.

When she got married and hosted, no one went to the pub. She didn't want them to so that "custom" changed.

No one in my family went to the pub on CD. I definitely wouldn't like it at all.

I think the OP should stick to her guns and bring this up and get it sorted now. It's definitely sexist as he doesn't want her going.

clam · 12/12/2013 18:25

Hmm, well I see this is still all going on - and people are still piling in with "why don't you go along too?" Gotta love MN.

Not sure what this does to my previously robust stance on this issue, but just asked dh what he would think if I told him I was taking all the CD guests off down to the pub while he stayed behind and cooked lunch. He said he wouldn't have a problem with it and it was no different from my usual contribution to Christmas lunch, which appears to be getting pissed on champagne in the sitting room with guests !

My point, however, is that I still don't expect it, and he did concede that we all pitch in and do whatever he asks for (things on "his" patch, I mean - I do all the logistics of table-laying/lists/preparation/clearing up). He has also reminded me yet again of the time recently when I reeled into the kitchen just as he was carrying the last dish to the dining table and asked "Can I do anything?"

pianodoodle · 12/12/2013 19:38

clam

That's like when DH wanders in as I'm washing the last two teaspoons and says "you leave those to me"

To be fair he probably cooked though!

loveolives · 12/12/2013 19:48

It's half an hour?

5HundredUsernamesLater · 12/12/2013 19:50

Do you actually want to go to the pub or is it just that you don't want him to go?
I would think that my partner works hard all year and its his christmas too so if he wants to go to the pub for a while then why not. But then I wouldn't actually want to go with him anyway.
If you want to go then go with him. If you don't actually want to go and it's just a protest on principle I'd say let him go and chill out about it and enjoy your christmas.

fluffyraggies · 12/12/2013 19:54

The husband has told the OP that he doesn't want her to join them at the pub.

caramelwaffle · 12/12/2013 20:07

...and she is to stay behind and make the dinner whilst they are at the pub.

Bowlersarm · 12/12/2013 20:10

....and when she suggested she juggle things so she could go too, he sulked and said she'd ruined everything....

clam · 12/12/2013 20:12

loveolives Well, he's said it'll only be for half an hour, but if they're back within 30 minutes of leaving the house then I'll eat my hat.

5hundred Please read the thread! We've been through it dozens of times.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 20:59

Tabliope no, I'm not saying its the OP that's hardline - I'm saying some posters on thread are hardline and seem to think its 'strong' to see compromise as a dirty word. As unfair as H is being, OPs said he is a good man and doesn't go out much. That doesn't sound as if situation is totally beyond redemption, as it would be if he were generally a cruel and sexist man. Its not always appropriate to fly into an ongoing battle because your man has talked crap/engineered a rubbish situation. Make your point strongly yes, but of course at some stage compromise will come into it - even if one may concede a little more than the other, that's life. Its not always necessary to 'win' outright. Its about balance.

We KNOW his actions have upset OP. & within that he also feels he has a point to make about his wishes too, doesn't he? So what now? After dispute if attempt at compromise is a no-go between a couple then,good luck with the continued battle leading ever onwards to further tension. I feel there are better things to do with a relationship than that.

I'm not one of those insistent on punishment far outweighing the crime just to hammer home whatever point I need to make. That road to unhappiness may well be worse than original situation that could have been sorted out between 2 people who are a couple after all, not mortal enemies.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 21:09

& whilst H going to pub wouldn't be a big deal to me, I understand it is for OP. Generally I'd think any compromise has to be more on his part, to resolve this. Although I don't necessarily feel its wrong for him to have a few pints in pub with his siblings.

Oh..& have we reached the "LTB" stage yet? That's usually best option,isn't it? Throw it all away,charge straight and righteously on to the point of no return given the sheer and utter horror of this situation..a generally good man being idiotic when xmas comes around

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