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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 12/12/2013 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FrysChocolateCream · 12/12/2013 12:27

Hear hear, the TheAwfulDaughter. Well summarised.

OP have you broached the subject with your DH again?

Bowlersarm · 12/12/2013 12:31

InSpace -

HE HAS TOLD HER SHE CANNOT GO TO THE PUB. HE HAS TOLD HER TO STAY AT HOME WITH HIS MOTHER TO PREPARE THE CHRISTMAS DINNER.

kerala · 12/12/2013 12:32

Awfuldaughter that should definitely be the last word on the matter. Great summing up and agree with every word

LaRegina · 12/12/2013 12:34

A side issue, but - how can it take just half an hour to get to the pub, have a couple of drinks and get back again? Is the pub next door?

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 12:35

"20 pages of 'parboil the potatoes before you go out'" has had me in stitches. Very frustrating thread Smile

Fleta · 12/12/2013 12:38

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

But then the way we do things (out of 100% my choice) would probably make some of the posters on her gasp with outrage at my 1950s style life.

grovel · 12/12/2013 12:39

FWIW I encourage my DH to take everyone to the pub for an hour before serving up Christmas lunch. After the mayhem of people arriving etc on Christmas morning I love having an hour to collect my thoughts and pull the whole production together without well-meaning "help" in the kitchen.

If, however, I asked DH to stay at home this year I would expect him to do so.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 12/12/2013 12:45

InSpace- I think you've hit the nail on the head there

Scenario one

"I'd like to go to the pub before lunch, it's a bit of a family tradition and I want to maintain it."

"Lovely, let's time it so we can all go " OR "Actually I'm not that bothered, mind if I stay here?"

"Great"

= totally fine. Everyone has different traditions. No need to overreact even if, given total choice, you wouldn't include a trip to the pub in your day.

Scenario two

"I am going to the pub before lunch, it's family tradition."

"Ok, let's time lunch so we can all go"

"No, you are spoiling Christmas. You have to stay here and prepare lunch so it's ready when we get back"

= selfish thoughtless twat, whatever the sex of the two speakers.

Pinupgirl · 12/12/2013 12:52

I had my own thread a few weeks ago about why I don't want to invite my inlaws for xmas dinner and this thread is only adding to my resolve!!-yanbu op and don't let your dh ruin your xmas with his twatty behaviour!

My dh wants to have xmas with his parents as that's his "tradition"Hmm-this would involve him and fil sitting getting pissed while I host.tidy up,entertain kids and mil etc.

Its not going to happen but I'm sure many of the posters stuck in the 50's on this thread think I should just suck it up and get dh to do the dishes insteadHmm

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 13:25

Not prepared to tell OP to continue this argument over a pub visit, or tell her to tell her DH to fuck off, or whatever else choice insults are running thru thread. He said & suggested something OP does not like. These things do happen in a marriage; Its real life. A short pub visit with siblings is absolutely not worth the battle; he'll be there and back before she knows it & in the 1 hour he's gone, nothing major will happen foodwise. That's a short timescale and food preparation will have started in the morning; its not on a schedule to start the minute he leaves the house, leaving OP to do everything. She won't be doing the 'major' from scratch, at all.

I would hope OP & DH try to reach a compromise so they can hopefully have a nice xmas. Better that, than try to wind the OP up into further confrontation.

Yes, her H definetely approached this wrongly and should have asked if she minded. & he shouldn't be sulking either. But people aren't perfect, they don't always think or say as you want them to. & after you've had the argument its time for both to see if a compromise can be reached. After all what use will non-compromise be? From what 0P has said her H is a good man and hardly goes out. If she was his domestic drudge as intimated here and there in Thread, then she'd hardly say he was a good man, would she?Sorry but some seem hellbent on painting this man as a monster and goading OP into prolonging this. Waaaay over the top and I'm glad I don't speak to my 0H in the 'fuck off' etc that some people claim they do. He wouldn't speak to me like that either, & anyway wouldn't get away with it if he did. I could never live like that. I hope OP goes for talk and (hopefully) they agree on a compromise rather than the unrealistic hardline attitude which won't help anybody at all.

BlueStones · 12/12/2013 13:25

On a different note, this "tradition" is the reason bar staff don't get Christmas Day with their own families. Hence I disapprove (apart from the obvious and already discussed sexism of it.)

(sore point; I paid my way through uni with bar work and always had to bloomin' work Christmas Day serving drunk husbands. Never any women in sight that day).

DontmindifIdo · 12/12/2013 13:31

God, I can't believe anyone on here thinks the OP would be in anyway reasonable to take her MIL up on the suggestion that the solution to her DIL being upset on Christmas day is for the MIL to do the cooking!!!! I mean, how crap a host do you have to be to even entertain the idea that it's reasonable for the host and hostess to go to the pub leaving one of their guests to cook for them? How does anyone think that would be an ok thing for the OP and her DH to do even if the MIL offered it? (which does sound purely like a "shit, my son is having an argument with his wife over something my husband has caused, how can I fix it?" response)

Because she offered does not mean that actually taking her up on it would be something that any reasonable person with any sort of social manners would do.

And anyway, when the OP came up with "let's all go!" solution, her DH said that would be ruining it, doesn't seem like she'd be welcome anyway.

OP, have hte fight with him now, or have a fight on Christmas day, because you will be angry and pissed off, and hosting Christmas is bloody expensive, it's not worth spending all that money, doing all the work and being really angry and upset all day (which you will be).

(And hte OP won't get time to herself on Christmas day, her MIL isn't welcome tojoin the pub run either so she'll be left alone doing all the cooking and looking after MIL, who will know that her DIL is angry at her DS, it's going to be one of those clenched teeth Christmases)

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 12/12/2013 13:32

I don't agree with OP's husband at all but I have a question.

If it's such a sacred tradition as some are suggesting, why is it only the Christmas the OP and her husband have guests he has decided this simply must happen, and having his wife and mother there would spoil it? (Why aren't more people focusing on that aspect? That's extraordinarily hurtful IMO)

Last two Christmases this man 'insisted' they celebrate alone. The year his family comes all of a sudden this sacred tradition must happen and his wife and mother must not attend as they will spoil it, and the drinking can only happen when the work is being done.

How are people missing the most hurtful aspects here? It's got nothing to do with OP having a drink too. It's that he has actually said her presence will spoil it, this tradition has only become important when there's work to be done with guests, and this tradition can only take place during the time the work is being done.

Other posters may not have a problem with their DH's nipping for a drink on Christmas day, but can anyone say these points ^honestly wouldn't hurt their feelings? Make them feel degraded?

Skin of a rhino if it wouldn't!

I don't know how to make it more clear than that. DH telling me I must stay home and cook for him and his family while he was having fun otherwise I'd actual spoil his Christmas by being a part of his made up, lazy tradition would cut very, very deep.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 13:34

What mistressdeecee said.

Every word.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 12/12/2013 13:35

I see Awful got in first, summed it up much better than I could have!

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 13:42

Mistress, lettuce has tried to come up with compromise suggestions which the DH has rejected. She's not the one taking a hardline - he is. He's not prepared to compromise, she is. All this info is in the original OP.

ViviPru · 12/12/2013 13:53

the drinking can only happen when the work is being done

Sniggering at the mental image of Mr. Lamp puffing out his chest, index finger aloft, declaring the above.

Mim78 · 12/12/2013 13:55

I agree with everyone who has said that the exclusivity of the trip is what they are after. That's why it's hurtful. Otherwise Dh would have accepted one of the compromises. Also key is the fact it is supposed to happen while hard work is being done.

MNHQ
AMyrryChristmasToAllMumsnet · 12/12/2013 13:58

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your reports. We've been through the thread and deleted posts which break our talk guidelines.

Please can we all take a moment to remember Cliff's famous saying at this time of year:
Christmas time, peace, love and Wine.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 14:02

viviPru - like some character from Charles Dickens Grin. Even the name sounds like a Dickensian character - Mr. Lamp. He could be a character from Bleak House, Hard Times or A Christmas Carol Smile.

ViviPru · 12/12/2013 14:12

Christmas time, peace, love and Wine

Yes... for the chosen few who get to go down the pub.
(Sorry - couldn't resist!)

Haha yes Tabliope, Adjusting his monocle as he instructs the women folk to tend the stove....

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 14:16

haha, love the image of him adjusting his monocle. Unfortunately lettuce didn't know she had to bob a curtsy and scurry into the kitchen.

Butkin · 12/12/2013 14:30

I can't understand why anybody would want to divide the family by going down the pub. What is the big attraction? Surely the menfolk could easily just drink (nicer booze at cheaper prices) in the house whilst looking after the kids, helping set the table etc?

I like going to the pub for a family meal or whatever but - as basically an excuse to get out of the job of hosting - no way on Christmas Day.

crunchypower · 12/12/2013 14:36

OP, why don't all of you just go for a drink.
He doesn't decide who is 'invited', and you don't 'let' him go or not. You might end up chatting with the mil down the pub whilst he catches up with his dad but do what. Certainly don't let it ruin your Xmas day.
Regarding cooking Xmas dinner for an hour, with your mil, close to eating time. It's not a chore. You are turning the hob on, maybe putting a few more things in the oven and waiting for them to cook. You'll be fine

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