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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 10:36

In fact, even my grandfather wouldn't have dreamed of pulling a stunt like that!

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 10:37

I agree that Xmas day often involves splinter groups, but I can't recall being told which one I could join since becoming an adult.

Nettee · 12/12/2013 10:39

They could do what ever they liked - sit down with a glass of wine, go for a walk, talk to each other. Yes it is a bit of a false division and I agree that the OP's DH should have discussed with with her first before announcing it in front of his parents but I doubt it was a premeditated plan so that she couldn't say she didn't want to.

I like doing things with my DH too but I also like doing things with other people sometimes.

LaRegina · 12/12/2013 10:40

I am struggling a bit with this one - on the one hand the husband nipping out for an hour shouldn't be a biggie, but on the other the fact that it's so the 'men' can escape to the pub for a quick one while the women stay at home and prepare their meal makes me feel a bit icky.

Yes it's a 'family' tradition but so what - lots of old sexist bollocks is stuff that could have been filed under 'tradition' - doesn't make it ok in 2013 though.

I would say if there's going to be a nice little piss up before Christmas dinner, all of you should be involved. Why not all help get the veggies prepared then just leaving the oven on low with the turkey cooking while you have a few drinks together, then do the rest when you all get back. If dinner ends up being later, so be it.

Having said that though, when we used to go to DH's parents for Christmas day (pre the DC) we would all have to traipse down to the pub before dinner - I don't really drink and don't like pubs much (this was before the smoking ban so they were just stinky smoke holes dens IMO). So I would rather have stayed in the kitchen/in front of the tv to be honest!

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 10:43

They could do what ever they liked - sit down with a glass of wine, go for a walk, talk to each other.

... or they could go to the pub...

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 10:43

I feel you and I have slightly differing expectations from our marriages.

Well yes, quite.

LaRegina · 12/12/2013 10:43

Another point - I do remember (many) years ago during what would have been my earliest Christmasses my GPs would stay over and my dad & granddad would go to the pub Christmas morning and roll up (half pissed) in time for dinner. But over the years my mum got more and more annoyed with being the little woman in the kitchen and it stopped happening by the time I was about 9 or 10. Fair enough, that was the 70's; it was still a very sexist world then. Would be nice to think that things have moved on a bit.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 10:49

Nettee - please reread the OP - the DH has not invited his wife. This is not a splinter group that's just happened. She's been given her instructions of what is expected from her on Xmas day from her DH. Agree with Merrymouse.

Can those arguing this not see that basically this is the fundamentals of feminism - equality and having a choice? That choice has been denied to the OP by her DH. Maybe the potential future daughter would prefer to be at home decorating cupcakes for Xmas dinner dressed in pink. That's fine if that's her choice. To be told though that's what is expected of her and the all other women in the family is taking away her choice. Something that feminists have been arguing for all along!

bluecheeseforbreakfast · 12/12/2013 10:52

Gosh that sounds perfect to me! Make sure your dp does the lion's share of the morning preparation, get your dp to put it all in the oven, wave them off to the pub, sit down on your sofa with a nice glass of wine and enjoy the quiet before the storm!

I always find an excuse to have some quiet time on Christmas day, walking dogs that I dislike is a popular choice. Christmas day can be so full on, take any opportunities you have for a rest.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 10:56

But sometimes I go out with my women friends and husbands/other halves are not invited because we just want it to be 'women' (wont use 'girls' in this context as i know its irksome!) Thats no big deal? is it?! i have essentially denied my DH the choice to come out with me, but you know, he is a big boy and somehow manages to deal with it without too much drama.

Nettee · 12/12/2013 10:59

I realise that this is different because we are talking about Christmas day which is supposed to be about the family but do you think that stag and hen dos are also sexist and outdated and we should stop doing them because actually we want to enjoy spending time with our friends rather than just our friends of the same sex?

whatever5 · 12/12/2013 11:00

Yes it's a 'family' tradition but so what - lots of old sexist bollocks is stuff that could have been filed under 'tradition' - doesn't make it ok in 2013 though.

I totally agree.

My mum would have been happy to let my dad go to the pub while she finished Christmas dinner in the 60s and 70s. I'm certain she would be very annoyed if my father tried to do that today though. She would also have a go at my brother if he was that sexist towards his wife.

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 11:07

I do girls nights out and hen parties - I just don't arrange them for the hour before Xmas lunch with my parents assuming DH will cook.

BranchingOut · 12/12/2013 11:08

It reminds me a bit of Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman comes back to the table where John Travolta is waiting and says something along the lines of 'I just love it when you come back from the bathroom and your food is there ready and waiting.'

What the DH seems to be saying is that the pleasure of going to the pub with his Dad is only complete when it is combined with the awareness that:

a) other people are not able to come
b) other people are working at home to prepare food for them
c) they will be returning to find the ultimate comfort food, the meal of the year, ready and waiting for them.

Nettee · 12/12/2013 11:13

Merrymouse - you make a very good point.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/12/2013 11:14

I just read the op and the first couple of answers. It just occurred to me that Christmas is the celebration of a baby boy so in essence of man. The church is the last big bastion of male arrogance so why is it a surprise that Christmas is the time where women work their areas off and men chill and enjoy.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 11:16

mister - nothing wrong with that. But we're not talking about you going out on Xmas day which is supposed to be a family time when you bring up this scenario of women friends going out. Presumably also you wouldn't swan off out with the girls when your parents are coming, leaving your DH to cater for them? And also tell him that rather than ask him if he minded? Completely different scenarios. Of course men and women can socialise individually with whoever they choose but equally the point is you ask your partner if it's convenient that night out of politeness and you don't leave him with instructions to cook your family a meal.

Nettee - I don't know about stag and hen dos. They're fine in themselves although they don't usually take place when you have your family coming round, leaving a partner at home with a member of your family, telling him he needs to hold the fort - unless everyone is happy with that (the OP isn't). Different scenario.

Again I'll say it - it's about choice. It's about respecting another person and asking them what they want. It's not about being in charge and giving out instructions. If anyone's partner kicked a fuss up about a night out with the girls then you would stand your ground if you're not being unreasonable about the timing of or assuming your other half has to fall in with your plans. It's called mutual respect and politeness. It helps marriages work.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 11:18

x post with merrymouse who said it more succinctly.

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney · 12/12/2013 11:45

YANBU because he told you that you and his mum would have to stay home in the kitchen and now he's sulking because you have spoilt it.

Piss off (him, not you). Why should it be fine for him to claim tradition and dictate to you what you have to do while he gets on with it, but you can't tell him that it's not 1953 and he has to pull his weight in the kitchen as well?

squeakytoy · 12/12/2013 12:08

"He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point"

just go to the pub then and stop sulking.

I cant see the bit where he has said that OP isnt allowed to go with them..

QueNoelle · 12/12/2013 12:11

There are two ways of looking at this 'tradition'.

One, he wants to spend the time with just his dad on his own, without you. In which case he INBU because half an hour isn't long to be doing his own thing on Christmas Day, and you're quite entitled to go out for a drink with somebody else or on your own.

Or two, he wants to go to the pub but it's important to him that you stay at home cooking the dinner. In which case he IBVU, for obvious reasons. Surely everybody here would agree that there are lots of so-called 'traditions' that should be allowed to rot in the past.

My dad goes to the pub every Sunday and every Christmas Day. BUT Mum doesn't want to go. She does the cooking and prefers him out of the way until about half hour before dinner is served. There is a fair division of labour though. Mum goes off duty as soon as the pudding is served and Dad serves all pre/during-dinner drinks, greets and seats everyone and does the coffees and clearing up.

So you should get your husband to explain exactly what this going to the pub is about. If it's scenario two he doesn't need much imagination to see why it is so objectionable.

Tabliope · 12/12/2013 12:14

Paragraph 4 squeaky - he was planning on going for a drink with his dad and me and his mum would have to stay behind with the dinner. Suggestions by the OP to compromise so they could all go and so that dinner wasn't delayed were rejected by the DH.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/12/2013 12:16

As it's only half an hour, why not? If you want to go to, then do. I think you are being a bit dramatic

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 12/12/2013 12:17

InSpace - He sulked and said she spoiled it when she suggested joining them. He only wants to do it if he gets to leave her behind cooking the dinner.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/12/2013 12:21

Oh sorry- didn't see that bit. In that case he's a twat and she should tell him to get stuffed

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