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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

182 replies

BeenVeryStupid · 06/12/2013 20:14

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

OP posts:
curlew · 07/12/2013 22:43

No, cjel- you were sharing your "experience", not your "opinion". You do not have to say where your opinion comes from- you do have to say where your experience comes from.

And believe me, the OP is very much in the forefront of my mind.

cjel · 07/12/2013 22:48

I shared my 'opinion' and how on earth do you think a person develops their opinion - Oh I know by experience and no I do not 'have; to say where my experiences come from either, People say they have had all sorts of experiences on here and are not hounded to prove where and when they had them as you are hounding me.#

I was saying the exact same things to a poster on here a few months ago and she had an abortion and I am still in contact with her as she struggles to come to terms with it, she hasn't posted publicly again but chose to pm me so I could help and support her as she read my posts clearly and understood that I am completely non judgemental unlike you who are like a dog with a bone. You can go on at me all night if you want and I still won't tell you my cv.

KiwiJude · 07/12/2013 22:53

Is adoption not an option? (Have only read the first page so may well have missed this being discussed on other pages)

monicalewinski · 07/12/2013 22:57

I'm in no doubt that there are countless women who struggle with the emotional fallout after a termination, but there are thousands that have one each year; it is a minority of women that suffer hugely afterwards, but the majority feel relief and move on.

It has to be your own choice though, and you have to own that choice, which is why rl support & understanding is key and the earlier the better. Procrastination and a later, surgical termination is more traumatic than an earlier medical one.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 22:57

Its bollocks because its based on a small sample of women you have come into contact with in some capacity.

You have not come into contact with all the others who have coped. The OP thinks she might not cope - she may or maynot its up to her to decide and yes basing a decision on counselling/research/thinking it through is what she needs to do.

What you said was strongly worded referring to negative outcomes, whereas other views were related to being able to manage the emotions. The latter is more positive (and I stress in relation to ability to cope not the choice this is entirely personal and circumstantial)

The Op needs to try and way up all the stress of being a new mum/single parent against copign with the emotional fall out. Either way is doable we all now that but it is what is right for OP that matters.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 22:58

Bottom line is OP wants to have an termination but is scared of emotional fallout - she needs to question whether this is enough of a reason to base any decision on.

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:04

Of course I have come into contact with both, Some posters here tonight are making strange judgements about who I meet.
I have only ever said to OP to get proper counselling ( and I didn't mean pro life I meant 'proper') before her decision, At the time I posted my first post a lot of what I read was along the lines of get it done you will be fine and move on and I felt i wanted to help OP by saying the most important thing was to make sure it was the right choice for her.
I also think that because of my experience I AM in a position to point out there the negative outcomes can be huge so to make sure that the decision is right.

Of course it was worded that way, it was about negative outcomes - that was the point.

laughingeyes2013 · 07/12/2013 23:08

Curlew - was your 15:05 question to me?

If so, the answer is in an NHS hospital.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 23:10

Your intial post was not balanced in this respect.

My thoughts are with the OP who sounds scared and must be tired and all over the place. I wish you well.

flyingspaghettimonster · 07/12/2013 23:12

I am not sure the point is being made that you can have regrets without wishing you could go back and do it differently. Do I wish I never had an abortion? Yes. Would I change my decision if I had the opportunity? No! If anything it would be far easier to decide with the hindsight of how much better my life became afterwards, and knowing that ds3 wouldn't exist if that choice had not been made.

The pros and cons is the way to go. Whatever you decide you will make it right for you.

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:22

My frist post just advised if unsure don't do it. Get loads of good counselling to make sure first. How is that unbalanced?

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 23:31

because of the strong terms you used re life long

flying you put it well - I would say that is much my experience. I regretted being pregnant but not my response to it,

TreaterAnita · 07/12/2013 23:31

OP I hope you are still reading. I despair at how often these threads, when someone is clearly seeking support, turn into needless moral debates.

Firstly, you're not an idiot, get that out of your head right now. You got drunk, you had a ONS, you were very sensible to use contraception, the fact that it didn't work is not your fault.

Secondly, very few women go happily into a termination (voice of experience) but they do what they need to do with the best interests of themselves, their existing children (as in your case) and the needs of the potential child in mind.

You have found out very early. Go see your GP on Monday. Whoever they refer you to must, by law, counsel you to make sure that this is a decision that you want to make. If you have any doubts then engage in that counselling seriously and make sure that it's what you want to do. If it is, then do what you have to. You may very well feel extremely sad afterwards, that's entirely normal, but you need to live your life in the best interests of you and your child.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 23:44

treater no one is discussing the morals of such a choice. We have been disucssing the usefulness of some posts but not from a moral standpoint.

LEMisafucker · 07/12/2013 23:52

Oh For fucking fucking fuck sake just give the OP some support and adivce - do not judge, walk a mile in her shoes etc...........I'm pro life but recognise the position the OP is in and it is not easy, i would have to go against my own beliefs if i found myself in this position. Of course, i would not want to upset anyone with my "tone" but fucking hell

differentnameforthis · 08/12/2013 00:13

She used a condom and is breastfeeding, they should have been adequate precautions

Breastfeeding IS NOT a contraceptive, I know plenty of women who have fallen pregnant while EBF. Also, the op stated that she was having irregular periods, which means her fertility has returned.

differentnameforthis · 08/12/2013 00:30

I'm having an unplanned 4th baby and just looked at my others and thought 'how can I have you three and not your brother or sister?'

Sorry, but that is just stupid. Every month my children have a potential brother of sister, I don't look at them & wonder how I can have them & not the others!

Even when I terminated my third I didn't look at them & think that! I looked at them & knew that I wouldn't be the mother I am now if I had had another baby.

I don't like this over justification of having an unplanned baby just because it happened. It's not big & clever to have a baby because you had it's older siblings.

I have never met a single person who has ever regretted having their child(ren) Would you like to met my mother? I was that regretted child. We have no relationship now & she could never hide the resentment she had for me (my father persuaded her to go ahead with my pregnancy) once my father left (when I was 5). My mother was emotionally vacant all my life. I cannot tell you what that did to me, but it has affected all my relationships (friendships inc) to many extents.

wouldbemedic · 08/12/2013 01:26

You've asked for help making a decision. No one can give you that, least of all strangers. It's a very personal decision that only you have the right to make. If anyone can help you, it's got to be a trained counsellor as so many have said.

Perhaps you're looking for opinions that might help you make sense of the part of having an abortion that seems to feel 'wrong'. Or validation that you do 'need' an abortion. You've had all that.

But if I were in your shoes, I'd want sympathy and honest reactions, no matter how unwelcome. So that's what I'm going to offer. I'm genuinely gutted for you - how awful to be landed in this situation again, knowing you can't face the thought of another child. I completely understand that. If I became pregnant again, I would probably face a lifetime of pain and severe disability. I honestly don't know what I'd do. I also can't imagine bringing up my toddler alone. I know I somehow could if I had to but anything harder is impossible to imagine. I have deep respect for every lone parent. To my mind, they're all heroes.

But here, right now, from where I'm standing, I have to acknowledge a deep personal conviction that abortion is morally wrong. It's a life, not just a few cells anymore than we're just bigger groups of cells.

Do what you have to do/want to do, I've no desire to judge you and wouldn't think or feel differently about a friend if they went ahead with it. But don't ignore that conscience within yourself and don't allow anyone to blunt your awareness of it. There are a million good reasons to do many things that are morally questionable. We learn to live with the grey areas in life. But it's never simple and it's always sad. Make your peace with that in both scenarios.

One other point. You've said you can't do another pregnancy or do another baby. I understand that. For the purposes of fair consideration, are there ways it could be made more of an option? I ask because my life as a mother so far looks utterly impossible on paper. I couldn't lift my child at all during the first year, our earnings shrank to zero, and we travelled weekly to another country, complete with baby, for medical treatment. It was a different problem, but it was significant at the time. I coped by planning life like a military operation and ruthlessly going after the choices that would make our situation work. It still sucks at times - many times - but I'm coping despite the difficulties. Without diminishing the awfulness you're going through, there's no doubt in my mind that that could also be you, if you wanted it to be.

Deepest sympathy and prayers. Stay strong.

ninah · 08/12/2013 01:34

I have a strong personal conviction that abortion is NOT morally wrong. Op wishing you strength in whatever decision you come to.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/12/2013 02:49

Wouldbe - abortion is not morally wrong.

Poor OP has posted for genuine advice and got a load of sanctimonious moralising. You should be ashamed of yourselves trying to add to this woman's torment.

OP. My heart really goes out to you. You have done nothing wrong, nothing stupid, nothing shameful - and nor will you have done whatever decision you make. I hope you are getting some sleep tonight. X

MumpiresRedCard · 08/12/2013 09:53

Abortion is not morally wrong.

What is wrong is that an accidental pregnancy falls to the woman. The blame, the shame, the responsibility, the lack of opportunity, the lack of earning power whilst parenting, the parenting costs................. the father may share the financial sacrifice but he can walk away and often does. What is morally wrong is how in our society we still accept that it is a woman's problem basically.

Stgeorgiaandthedragon · 08/12/2013 18:22

I had an abortion at 8 weeks. I do regret it but I can deal with that regret. It's one thing to regret an abortion - that only affects me. Regretting a child who existed would be another matter.

I have to advise against Marie Stopes though (don't know what others are like) - it was awful, a really upsetting experience.

GotMyGoat · 08/12/2013 18:29

Hand hold.

You know what, I used to be absolutely against abortions - you can probably find some old posts of mine on here from a few years back saying as much - but since having my own daughter and raising her I've realised how bloody hard having a much wanted child is, so my views have softened. I still don't think it's a decision to be taken lightly (but to be honest - who does?) But if you don't feel able to raise a child then it's cruel on you and certainly not in the best interests of the potential baby to continue with the pregnancy.

Really tough luck about the condom - it's not as if you had unprotected sex and are surprised that that got you pregnant is it? No contraception is 100%.

bumbleymummy · 08/12/2013 19:03

I agree with the other posters who have said that if you don't want an abortion then don't have one. That seems to be your gut reaction and as much as other people have been able to have abortions and get over it - them telling you that you will also be fine means very little.

As for being a bunch of cells - no. Unless those posters who are saying this consider us all to be a bunch of cells. Also, as someone earlier pointed out, there is a heartbeat at this stage ( 6 weeks gestational age). I'm surprised by how many people don't know that. When I was pregnant with my own children I knew what development stages they were at each week. Perhaps it is easier to not think about that but I believe in making informed decisions.

Tapiocapearl · 08/12/2013 19:49

Follow your gut.

My close friend aborted a baby at 10 weeks. She was severely depressed about it for two years and even many later she would become teary talking about it.