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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

182 replies

BeenVeryStupid · 06/12/2013 20:14

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

OP posts:
curlew · 07/12/2013 21:36

"In my years many years of experience I can definitely say that my evidence of over 40 years is as I stated. I can only say what I know."

Experience doing what?

cjel · 07/12/2013 21:37

Listening to women who are suffering !!!

curlew · 07/12/2013 21:39

Where? What organization do you work for? What are your qualifications?

cjel · 07/12/2013 21:40

Time I bowed out, sorry OP curlew isn't helping.

tiredlady · 07/12/2013 21:41

Well, in my 20 years as a MH professional I have seen hundreds more women suffering with post natal depression then with post abortion depression

tiredlady · 07/12/2013 21:41

than not then

tiredlady · 07/12/2013 21:42

Sorry OP
This debate is probably not terribly helpful to you right now.
Good luck with whatever decision you choose

curlew · 07/12/2013 21:48

OP, if you're still here, please ignore cjel. She is claiming authority she doesn't have.

Whatever decision you make you will almost certainly have doubts before and regrets after. You need to think very carefully and clearly about the balance of regret. Find somebody in real life to talk to- somebody genuinely impartial. Then decide. All you can do is make the best decision you can with what you know at that moment, for you and your daughter. I wish you well, whatever you decide.

formerbabe · 07/12/2013 21:49

I know I would have an abortion in the ops situation. I think having a second child as a result of a one night stand when you are a single mum is madness to be honest. Many women are antiabortion in principle, but when they are in a bad situation they soon change their mind. Saying all that, its your decision. Think of what's best for your family right now.

ISawStrattersKissingSantaClaus · 07/12/2013 21:50

Curlew merely wants you to clarify this 'experience'. That's not being unhelpful, experience doesn't necessarily equal relevance, and I can't understand why you won't say.

ISawStrattersKissingSantaClaus · 07/12/2013 21:51

And fwiw, I too would have an abortion.

cjel · 07/12/2013 21:51

I do have authority but choose not to discuss it with you here curlew. As Tired and I have both said this isn't helping op.If you read my posts all I suggested was counselling for OP so she would know she had made the right choice for her.

Also don't know on whose authority you can tell OP who to ignore - weird.

formerbabe · 07/12/2013 21:51

Also I would like to add that many women have abortions and never suffer any mental health problems as a result or have any regrets.

There most certainly are women who regret having children (do a quick internet search on it). They just don't discuss in public.

tiredlady · 07/12/2013 21:56

I would be interested in what authority you have cjel.
Are you a MH professional?
If so, you will know that referrals into secondary mental health services requesting treatment for post abortion depression are vanishingly rare.

curlew · 07/12/2013 22:01

"I do have authority but choose not to discuss it with you here curlew."

You don't have to discuss it. You just have to state it so that if the OP chooses to take your advice on board she knows where it's coming from. As others have done.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 22:02

It can be sad, mixed feelings but I think you need to balance this with the responsibilitiy towards your own health (coping) and to your DD. I think we have to make choices based on what is best for our current sent of circumstances.

I have done it, it makes me feel sad but i do not regret it as i would in no way have the happy family life I have now. I did not allow it to become a big thing emotionally. Its my body I'm in charge of it.

Each to their own set of cirumstances. It must be your decision. It is possible to get through it and do it whichever choice you make.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 22:10

cjel - how way man? even if that is true which is think is bollocks your view is probably skewed if you works with such groups of women. What about all the women who get on and are secure in their choice who you dont see. It is dangerous thing to be saying and scaremongering. some gentle diplomacy and sensitive options put for OP to make a choice. you mske it sound like she doesnt have one.

girliefriend · 07/12/2013 22:13

Op I have been in your shoes and can totally relate to how you are feeling.

I have had one dd on my own and know with absolute certainty I could not do it twice, my dd was the result from a ons and it is hard hard hard Sad

Good luck with whatever you decide.

cjel · 07/12/2013 22:19

Read OPs 2nd Para, She herself says 'I know I will regret it' Posters were saying she wouldn't and that she'd get over it.I merely offered another opinion which is based on my experience, that lots don't find it so easy to get over and she will be better off getting counselling before hand so she knows she has made her right choice.

It is not helpful to discuss my qualifications I feel that I must be one of he only people who read what she said about her fear of regretting it and not just telling her that she should go ahead with it and she will get over it.

Just because you haven't had my experience and don't agree with me doesn't make my knowledge wrong.

cjel · 07/12/2013 22:21

Feeling - How can my view be bollocks if I am working with real people who are dealing with these things? Are their feelings less valid just because you don't here of them

curlew · 07/12/2013 22:25

Nobody is saying she won't regret it. That would be a foolish thing to say. It's a matter of balancing regrets.

Why won't you say where you work?

cjel · 07/12/2013 22:26

Because I see no need too

gordyslovesheep · 07/12/2013 22:28

my experience is probably the polar opposite of yours Cjel

Doesn't make me wrong either

The OP needs to seek unbiased advice and counselling

Contact BPAS OP and good luck x

curlew · 07/12/2013 22:29

Then the logical assumption to make is that you work for a so called "pro life" organisation. It is very unfair of you to pretend to be unbiased when you are obviously not.

cjel · 07/12/2013 22:36

I haven't said she shouldn't, just that she was saying she would regret it and I felt the need to point her in the direction of counselling, then some posters wanted to start to know what the qualifications and authority that I had to share my views. Curlew seems to need to see peoples certificates before letting them share their opinions, I am not the only one she was asking.

I don't work for any pro life organisation and am not pro life my self, I have not pretended to 'be' anything. All I have done is share my opinion to try and help the poor OP who you seem to have forgotten in you anguished efforts to read my CV.