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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

182 replies

BeenVeryStupid · 06/12/2013 20:14

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

OP posts:
MumpiresRedCard · 07/12/2013 19:37

Have an abortion. People always wade in to tell you that love will get you through it all. But rebuild your life. Don't make your life harder. Do't isolate yourself further. Don't lay yourself open to be judged.

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 07/12/2013 19:40

Don't have an abortion if you don't want to. You can and will cope. Mothers up and down the country do every day. You won't regret it in a few years time, but by the sound of your OP you will regret an abortion for the rest of your life.

SnakeyMcBadass · 07/12/2013 19:57

I am so sorry that you're in this situation. All I can say is that there is no right decision, only what is right for you. Beating yourself up won't achieve anything, so take a deep breath and be honest with yourself. You know deep down how you need this to go. I wish you peace and I know that whatever decision you make, it will end up being the right one.

MumpiresRedCard · 07/12/2013 20:01

Don't have a baby if you don't want one.

An abortion is not for life in the same way as a baby is for life.

curlew · 07/12/2013 20:02

"Don't have an abortion if you have even a nano second of doubt."

No. This is wrong. Anybody would have doubts. You need to balance the pros and cons-and make the decision which is best for you. Whatever you decide you will have doubts, and regrets in the future. You just have to judge which choice will leave you with the least regrets. You can't expect to have none- whatever you decide. Some people don't- but they are rare.

MumpiresRedCard · 07/12/2013 20:04

Curlew+a million.

It's bullshit to suggest that the second the baby comes that outweighs everything else.

I contemplated an abortion at 9 weeks. I didn't have one because I took the path of least organisation in that moment. I often think about how my life would be 'back on its feet' by now if I hadn't had the child. It's got nothing to do with love. It's to do with life. YOUR life.

DirtyDancingCleanLiving · 07/12/2013 20:09

I have to say, in response to so many people saying 'Just get an abortion', without considering how the op sounds in her post.

I know a few people who have had an abortion who have regretted it soundly in months or years to come.
I have never met a single person who has ever regretted having their child(ren). This thought would play a large part for me.

Caitlin17 · 07/12/2013 20:15

Dirtydancing possibly because who is ever going to admit that.
The OP has her already here daughter to factor in as well.

curlew · 07/12/2013 20:18

"I have never met a single person who has ever regretted having their child(ren)."

Haven't you? So all children are loved and wanted and cared for and protected? No mothers are depressed or frustrated or just plain old ordinary miserable?

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 07/12/2013 20:20

I've had an abortion. Also the result of a ONS. I'm not proud of it, but it was without any doubt a good decision for me at that time. I've g

DirtyDancingCleanLiving · 07/12/2013 20:22

Other than with child abuse or abandonment, no I haven't. They are two specific situations, not the 'standard' everyday person I am referring to.

Even those mothers who are depressed, even those who are quite severely so, I have still never known anyone to truly regret having their child. Not one.

monicalewinski · 07/12/2013 20:26

Of course the OP sounds like that in her post, she is looking at her daughter who is already there and projecting everything that she feels, knows and loves about her daughter onto her current pregnancy - which at this point in time could be terminated with little more than some pills and a very heavy late period (for want of a better description).

I would expect that very few women would experience no doubt whatsoever, of course it is natural to question, decide, re-question, re-assess - it is a difficult position to be in.

By reading a variety of responses from the many posters on this thread, she can see that it hasn't been as traumatic for some as others etc and hopefully have a good idea of all the pros and cons when she comes to decide one way or another.

There is no nice way to put it, it is a very stark choice, but it is a choice that has to be faced unfortunately - and a decision that only she can make in the end.

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 07/12/2013 20:27

Yikes phone - sorry - gone on to meet a great guy, we had a dd, married, had a ds. I don't feel guilty. I would have scuppered my chances of Uni if I'd had that pregnancy continue, my life would be very different (and probably not in a good way).

Not sure if this helps at all but at least women in the UK get a proper choice. We have to travel.
Weigh up what you hope for and what you hope for the child you already have. Very best of luck - it's not easy.

cjel · 07/12/2013 20:32

Mumps - I have to disagree that an abortion is not for life. I have come across a huge number of women who are on ADs for decades and suffering with depression and all sorts of issues for life, after an abortion.

Also What I meant by don't do it if you have doubts was from the point of what the OP was saying in her OP. She is against abortion and already thinks of 'her baby'. if SHE goes ahead with a termination I have no doubt that unless she has lots of counselling(not just one or two sessions) she will struggle for years with her decision- based on what she has said.

Junebugjr · 07/12/2013 20:38

Much hugs OP. The hardest thing about this is that there is no 'right' black and white decision. If you have an abortion, your life will go on as it is, if you chose to carry on with the pregnancy, you most likely cope, although things maybe harder for a bit.
I've had a Tx, it was the right choice for me, I still feel strange at times when I think about it, but then I think I wouldn't have the DC I have now if I had continued with that pregnancy.
Talk to someone who loves you about this. Be kind to yourself.

curlew · 07/12/2013 20:39

"I have come across a huge number of women who are on ADs for decades and suffering with depression and all sorts of issues for life, after an abortion."

A huge number? How many? How do you know why they are "on ADs for decades"? And how many women do you know who are suffering from depression and all sorts of issues after having children? Or just in life- regardless of childbirth or not? You just can't make unsupported statements like that.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 07/12/2013 20:40

She used a condom and is breastfeeding, they should have been adequate precautions

Sorry, not commented on the thread but just HAD to reply to this - breastfeeding is NOT a method of contraception!!!! Seriously can't believe anyone hasn't picked up on this post and pointed it out yet!
Do people seriously believe it is? It really isn't.
As for OP, only you know what to do in this situation, nobody else can make the decision for you.

ShinyBauble · 07/12/2013 20:54

But they used a condom, so she didn't rely on breastfeeding as a contracptive...

tiredlady · 07/12/2013 21:03

I have to correct you cjel.
There is no evidence to suggest that having a termination will cause significant and enduring mental health problems. The vast majority of women have terminations, and after a brief adjustment reaction, generally get on with their lives.

Having a baby however will cause anywhere between 10 - 15% of women to get depressed post natally, even when that child has been planned and longed for. PND is no laughing matter. The risk to woman's mental health is greater should she chose to have a baby than terminate a pregnancy.
None of this should influence the OP of course. If you really want another baby OP, have one. If you really don't, terminate. It is as simple as that.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 07/12/2013 21:06

Good post, tired lady.

MumpiresRedCard · 07/12/2013 21:17

Well here's ONE person.

I regret having my second child. It was lunacy to bring the child in to the World. LUNACY. I've been judged for being a single parent, judged for being on benefits, judged for being unable to work, judged, judged, judged.............. I do think about how if I'd stopped at one, I'd have a job, fewer responsibility, I'd have maintained more friendships, wouldn't have had to relocate, wouldn't have been such a burden on my parents, might have met somebody else, would have so much more life balance.

I am content. I love my child. But it is nonsense to suggest that there is some sort of universal truth carved in stone that nobody ever regrets a child.

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 07/12/2013 21:19

It's not 'as simple as that'

What a ridiculous thing to say.

tiredlady · 07/12/2013 21:27

"All mothers never regret having their children", is one of those myths put out there, along with "All abortions are harrowing and will haunt you emotionally for ever".

Both are bollocks.

OP, have a baby if you want a baby. Don't have a baby because you feel abortion will scar you for life. The implications for the rest of your life are much greater if you have a baby than not

Mia4 · 07/12/2013 21:28

OP, I would honestly not come back to this thread. If you are thinking on abortion then some peoples opinions could be very hurtful, you should also not take other people's experiences as you own-they could well look at their older DCs and be happy, you may not feel that, likewise they may have aborted and felt fine and you may well be very upset.

You need to talk to someone, Marie Stopes is a good start. Just don't let anyone here, or the man you are/were seeing's opinion sway what you want and feel. Unless you 100% make this decision you will always qusetion it-whatever you choose.

One thing my sister did was to write pros and cons down one evening then go back the next morning and look over it some more. The first time the cons far outweighed everything else so she aborted. The second time it was the pros, she struggled through but doesn't regret either decision. If she went by her partners choices she'd have a child she really didn't want with an abusive wanker and would be without a fantastic child she loves with all her heart despite dad fucking off.

cjel · 07/12/2013 21:30

In my years many years of experience I can definitely say that my evidence of over 40 years is as I stated. I can only say what I know.