To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

[BeenVeryStupid]

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

Just to say Kaida - no-one is pro-abortion, they're pro-choice. That would be like me referring to pro-life as pro-forcedbirth.

"All will have their own agenda - those who've had an abortion or are pro-abortion politically need to minimise and justify in their own minds"

That is such an offensive thing to say. Nobody is pro-abortion.

I agree, offensive and uncalled for.

My mum managed to bring two children up single handedly with no family support (her mum died before my sister was born n her dad died when I was 15 months) my dad passed away a month before my grandfather.

She managed it was a struggle. My point is people find themselves in situations they don't want to be all the time but they cope.

You have to make the decision that's right for you and only you can decide that.

Regardless have a (((hug)))

A very difficult decision for you to make :(

Hormones a plenty doesn't help either does it!

Think of it this way - you will cope either way, because you have to.

People posting can give you lots of different 'experiences' to think about, but none of us can tell you what would be best.

My view is that from what you have posted, you would really struggle to come to terms with having an abortion.

If you keep the baby, your DD would have a sibling close in age (if you are single you might not get this opportunity in the near future exactly how you would choose it/plan it if you could) and I think you would cope better emotionally.

Some people struggle to accept a pregnancy and worry about all the 'what ifs' when they have been planning to get pregnant, so it's not surprising you feel this way - just remember how you felt when you found out you were preganant with DD, (seemingly) the same as you do now, that abortion is the only option - it wasn't and you cope just fine!

4 weeks ago would make you 6 weeks pregnant, barely. It's not a baby. I had a termination at 18, there was no longevity in the relationship I was in and I don't regret it for a minute, although I will always remember that I was pregnant that extra time. You have a daughter to consider, I agree that counselling is a good idea. Good luck, OP x

Oh and 2 of my 3 (one due any day and small age gap to the second) have been unplanned.

I want to second what was said up thread. Having an abortion doesn't mean you will be haunted and traumatised for ever more. Make sure you are sure and make the choice we, as women, hi. It's your right to choose. You used contraception for a reason, it failed. The way I see it is you made your decision not to have another child at that point. A termination so early is basically inducing a period. It isn't pleasant but the choice is there.

People saying it isn't a baby, that is your opinion, not a fact. Not to ignite an abortion debate but to point out that when life begins isn't a definite fact, there are many different opinions and no definitive answer.

Heartbeat is very early. People think just because it's not detected on ultrasound until 5 weeks that it's not there, which is a fallacy. beats at 22 days from conception

Your gut knows this which is why you're having such a hard time with the idea of aborting your unplanned pregnancy.

I've looked after women who have never got over abortions. I've also looked after women who repeatedly abort and treat it like its just a normal part of everyday life. It sounds like you'd really struggle with it from what you've said.

I was always really afraid of having 2 children. One is hard enough work. But now I am there it is actually easier in some ways. For example, baby number 2 is mesmerised by child number 1, which helps me enormously! And don't forget they grow up and become much more independent. The really dependent years don't last forever. Even now my 3 year old gets himself dressed, including zipping up his coat and putting shoes on, and brushes his teeth, gets out his cereal etc. of course he needs prompting when he gets distracted by his toys but my point is he's only 3 and already is incredibly so much easier.

I don't envy you your situation and I do sympathise. No one likes to have a huge decision facing them with such enormous consequences either way. But you have to live with yourself and from what you've said, an abortion would be destructive for you psychologically and emotionally.

You need to go and talk to someone in real life - whatever decision you make you need to be convinced it is the right decision for you...
Whatever decision you make will have consequences ...
If you choose termination you might regret that and always wonder 'what if'. You have to be convinced in your heart it is the right thing to do.
If you chose not to terminate and your life is difficult you might blame the child...even if you don't mean to...
MY DD1 was an accident and really bad timing but my circumstances were different - I had no 'genuine' reason for a termination. She is almost 13 now, knows she wasn't planned. It did screw up my career plans (currently a SAHM, more or less unemployable, she has a younger sibling so it is more complicated than just having DD1). I have never consciously 'held it against her', although I do (privately) sometimes think 'what if'. The other day she was being really obnoxious and difficult (teen hormones) - we were arguing over her not doing her school work properly and why she should. She said a few nasty things to me and I said something like 'if it wasn't for you'....she was absolutely devastated - I was furious with myself... I told her I wouldn't swap her for the world etc and I mean it - but do worry about the long term consequences of my stupid, unthinking comment... and realised how easy it would be to damage a child emotionally if you did never really want them.

I have also had an abortion at the time it was the right decision. I FORGAVE MYSELF before I did it. The doctor / abortion clinic were sensitive. I felt a bit numb for a few weeks but no guilt. Be kind to yourself.

There is no heartbeat yet - it's cluster of cells at this point. Get the termination and get on with your life with the child you do have.

Don't get emotional about this, it is a problem to be solved.

I have been in your position and have never regretted it for a moment.

I've been thinking about you a lot, OP. Please go and get some real life support and counselling. My heart goes out to you having to make this decision.

Kaida

Your post is ignorant in every sense of the word. It is also insulting and unhelpful.

And heartbeats are meaningless, I've see more than one rabbit hearts beating in a lab, the rabbit most certainly wasn't alive.

As I understand it there is an electrical pulse which will become a heartbeat long before there is a heart. Some cells which will become or grow into a heart are present.

OP, many sympathies. You are in a very difficult place simply because this decision is not an easy one for you to make. Personally I think the quality of life for you, your DD and any future children you have is a very important consideration and a very valid basis on which to contribute to your decision. I have had a termination, I felt very sad about it, but that wasn't the same as regretting it. And later when I had a baby I knew that I had made the right decision for me in waiting until having a baby was the right decision.

Suppose you had become pg through non-consensual sex - would you still be struggling in thinking about a termination? If not, then I suspect your reasons are to do with feeling responsible for being pg and that you are obliged to go ahead. My belief is that having a baby should never be a punishment for a moments carelessness. If however you would struggle with a termination if you had not consented to sex or contraception-free sex, then maybe your feelings are about abortion per se, and you will experience a more lasting guilt.

How would you feel if you had a mc now? Sad, or relieved?

It really is worth seeking counselling but be very careful who you seek!

I felt sad, but not guilty, and even through the sadness I felt relief.

@BeenVeryStupid - perhaps some of the personal experiences on here can help you to make some sense of your situation better. I certainly hope so.

In terms of what to do... you sound very conflicted indeed. And nobody else can tell you what to do. This is a decision that you have to make yourself and take responsibility for.

It sounds like whatever you do could be the wrong decision. Which also means that whatever you do could be the right decision. Once you have made the decision, you will need to have confidence in it. Whether that involves grieving or becoming a mother again.

I wish you all the best. You are not alone.

Peace&Light from

Chin

Lovely post chin.

I agree, all the experiences shared on here are something you won't be privy to in real life - whilst an overwhelming read in your position it shows the many different reactions and feelings that people have had to being in your position.

Hopefully you can read them all and then come to a decision that you feel comfortable with - whether you carry on with the pregnancy or not.

As someone earlier said, you will cope with whatever you decide because you have to - but you need to speak to the dr so that you have access to all the facts and to rl counselling & help.

Poor lady.

In your shoes, I'd have a termination.

"I've looked after women who have never got over abortions. I've also looked after women who repeatedly abort and treat it like its just a normal part of everyday life. It sounds like you'd really struggle with it from what you've said."

In what context have you looked after them?

I really do feel for you. I have recently had an abortion. I have 3 kids and got pregnant by more BF of 3.5 years but he did not want it and I could not face bringing up 4 children on my own. The actual process was fine, the clinic were professional but kind and have helped me immensely. I found out early on like you and chose to have a medical termination and was able to go home whilst the pregnancy terminated.

It is only 3 weeks since my abortion and I feel very sad about the whole thing but I do know I made the right decision.

PS. I am not saying you should have an abortion, it really is up to you and as a 40 year old woman with 3 kids who took contraception seriously, I do know accidents can happen. Only you know whether you can go through with it or not but I just wanted you to know it was not as terrible as I thought physically though it has been/is emotionally difficult.

If a termination feel right you should do it. Have you mentioned it to the father? He might not be interested but equally he might be very supportive. I agree with the others though - not a baby yet just a bunch of cells and you have to do what's right for your dd.

Oh, poor you. It sounds a very difficult decision for you indeed. I agree with other posters that this probably isn't the most helpful place to ask. Do you have friends or family who might be able to help you think through your feelings on this?

Fwiw, I think some women regret their decision to abort a pregnancy, and others never think of it again, except perhaps with relief. I don't think there is a "right" way to react to it, and I'm not sure that you can necessarily predict exactly how you will feel afterwards. I think all you can do is try your best to make what feels like the right decision for you and your DD, and then get on with things - whether that is to cherish the existing child you have, or to bring up your DD and the new baby as well. I also think that somewhere reputable like Marie Stopes should be able to provide you with a bit of counselling to help you to make your decision.

Also, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but when your current pregnancy is over (whichever option you choose) I suggest you get on some kind of additional contraception. It sounds as though you are very fertile and I think it would give you a bit more security and peace of mind. That isn't meant to sound judgemental or hectoring, so I hope it hasn't come across that way.

Good luck OP. I think you should trust yourself that you will make the right decision for you and your DD, and that you will come to terms with the consequences of it, whatever they are.

From my experience, If you don't want an abortion then don't have one. I know too many people who have years of depression and breakdowns because they did when they weren't sure. Get as much counselling you can before you decide anything. Ttalk it through as much as you can until you are drained. Don't have an abortion if you have even a nano second of doubt.

Get to a good counsellor.

I don't think debating when cells become "a baby" is helpful. You get a very different definition if you move over to the miscarriage boards, for example. What matters if how the OP feels about it - if she gives herself "permission" to have an abortion, will it all be put behind her? I really don't know the answer, but there must be counsellors who know how to help (obviously check they are not ant-abortion ones, unless that is the kind of support you want).