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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

182 replies

BeenVeryStupid · 06/12/2013 20:14

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

OP posts:
LEMisafucker · 06/12/2013 20:43

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 19, lucky for me i had supportive parents and met DP when DD was 2. I was able to go back to college and subsequently university, helped to make a stable life for DD1. I could not have done this if i had another child at the time.

FalalalalalalaFiggy · 06/12/2013 20:48

Again not to start an abortion debate but at 4 weeks it is not a baby and doesn't have a heartbeat think like that, think quickly get to Marie stopes for advice and counselling. Be kind to yourself OP.

monicalewinski · 06/12/2013 20:49

Go to the gp as soon as possible, and start the process.

You need to talk through all the options, including termination to get things less clouded in your mind so you can make a decision.

If you opt for a termination you can access counselling to help you deal with it, and at this early point it really is just a couple of pills to stop the process - if you leave it longer it can become more traumatic, but it doesn't have to be if you get the right support.

I have had the medical (pills) termination and also the surgical (d & c), many years ago (2 stupid mistakes late teens/v early 20s) and I can honestly say that I have never regretted them. I had many moments of 'what if' when they were still fresh, but now nearly 20 years on and with 2 children who were conceived planned in a loving, stable relationship I do not regret at all - I am confident that the decisions I made back then were the right decisions and for the right reasons.

Even if you decide not to terminate, by going straight to the dr you can at least stop the turmoil in your head and make a more rational choice. Good luck with everything xx.

ProphetOfDoom · 06/12/2013 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imalama · 06/12/2013 20:55

Just wanted to give you another hand to hold, OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I would recommend going to see your GP as soon as possible. They will be able to put you in touch with a councillor and give you the relevant information you need to make an informed decision.

I would say this though. Yes, you are pregnant, but it's still only a bunch of cells. It is not yet a baby. I know people who have had terminations, and while they have been difficult, not one regretted it. Good luck with your decision.

curlew · 06/12/2013 20:58

Go to the gp now. Start the process- you can always stop it again, but if you decide to go ahead you need to do it as soon as possible, while it's till a matter of taking some pills.

Just think- if you had known that the condom had failed, you would presumably have got the morning after pill. There is very little difference between that and now.

thenamestheyareachanging · 06/12/2013 21:01

Don't do it. I have to say that to counteract all the "don't think about it as a baby and just do it" replies. I'm saying don't, because it doesn't sound like you want to. It sounds like you are panicking about what another baby would mean for you and your little dd. But there are positives too, don't forget that. A sibling close in age, and all the joy you've had from your dd doubled....

Don't do it if you have doubts, because it can't be undone. I really, really think you should see a counsellor to help you get this straight in your mind - and 4 weeks, you have time to think about it, don't do anything hasty, at least.

EllaFitzgerald · 06/12/2013 21:05

You haven't been an idiot at all. You used protection, you've just been incredibly unlucky and found yourself in an awful situation. Only you know the right thing to do, but I'd echo the advice of others and get yourself to the Dr's as soon as you can. You don't have to make a decision yet, but the earlier you go, the wider your options will be. Wishing you well.

flyingspaghettimonster · 06/12/2013 21:19

Sorry you are in this awful situation.

I had an early termination after a condom burst and the morning after pill failed. It was a very tough decision for me as although I am pro choice, it was not something I ever dreamed I would ever have to do.

I weighed my options. I knew if I kept the pregnancy I would most likely end up a single mother if three, back in England with no friends. It would be hell. I never even finished my degree so was unqualified for any well paid job. My existing kids would grow up thousands of miles from their loving dad and poor as dirt. The alternative was a termination (it was my husband's not a one night stand... But we were in divorce talks at the time).

Think hard about how you will cope emotionally. I found it had a profound affect on me. I was deeply upset even though I knew logically that there was no brain or nervous system yet, it was early. I still kept projecting my own feelings onto the child I would not have.

There is little support out there for those who terminate for non medical reasons. I found I couldn't grieve openly like I wanted to because people don't think you have that right with a termination. There is a website I found that had other women in my situation though - pm me for a link.

It took two years before I was able to put it behind me. It was the right choice for me and my family. Our marriage recovered and we had a third child that could never exist if that pregnancy had continued. I am happy now and would not have been happy living the other life.

One other thing - you have to go into your doctor appointment ASAP about it and be very confident in your choice. Over here in America they force vaginal ultrasounds on you and make you look at the ultrasound and try to guilt trip you a lot. I was a sobbing wreck by the time they were ready to give me the first pill and they nearly refused as they didn't believe I was willing.

Sorry for so much personal info - but every person has their own story. For me an abortion was the hardest and worst decision of my life, but the right one. You do get past it and there are people who can talk with you about it afterwards if you have regrets and sadness.

Ghostofsmokeyjoe · 06/12/2013 21:27

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. I had an early medical abortion in October. Like you i didn't think i ever would, until i found myself in the situation, and i was also worried about how i would feel afterwards.
I was upset for a week or two, but i have been fine and able to look at newborns and pregnant colleagues etc.
it was the right thing for me to do, although the process itself and decision aren't pleasant, but only you can know if it's right for you. But it really isn't true that all women who have abortions suffer massive guilt. In my situation it was the best decision I could have made and i haven't regretted it.
Also i agree with Curlew, better to start discussion with GP sooner rather than later. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Mama1980 · 06/12/2013 21:29

I echo what everyone else has said, you haven't been stupid just very unlucky.
I think you need to talk to someone in real life, qualified to help. The sooner you do the more options you have speaking purely practically.
We each have our own stories. I am totally pro choice, but fwiw when faced with the choice (I was advised to terminate for medical reasons) I could not do it despite having two older children and my partner leaving me. For me i could not have lived with myself, but I would never judge anyone who made a different decision.
I wish you all the best.

McFox · 06/12/2013 21:32

So sorry, this is a terrible position to find yourself in. I agree with the others who have recommended counselling - you need to talk this through properly before you make a decision. In my own experience I went ahead with an abortion once and have never regretted it. Sometimes the consequences of not taking that decision are worse.

sutekidane · 06/12/2013 21:41

Please don't decide based on everyone's posts saying how it didn't bother them afterwards. Decide based on your own thoughts and feelings and decide after speaking to someone unbiased who will talk it through with you.

ShinyBauble · 06/12/2013 21:55

You will not be killing a child, it's a zygote. At four weeks gestation it's a microscopic bunch of cells with no consciousness.

There is no need to feel guilt for an abortion. It should not be about the needs of the potential life over your needs and your actual child's needs. Of course, if you decide you want to have the pregnancy that's great too, but make sure you are doing what you want to do, and not acting how you feel society would want you to act.

Original poster
BeenVeryStupid · 06/12/2013 21:57

I think I'm finding it harder because my instant reaction with DD's pregnancy was should I have an abortion, I couldn't go through with it in the end, but if I had she wouldn't exist, I would have killed her when she was a tiny little fetus, so that's clouding how I'm thinking of this pregnancy if that makes sense.
It's about "6 weeks" into the pregnancy now as we slept together 4 weeks ago isn't it? :s
But I can't go through another pregnancy, or look after another baby. I will phone the doctors tomorrow morning and try to book for monday, I just don't want to have to think until then. Or at all.
With DD I was hoping I would miscarry until about 20 weeks, as awful as that sounds, but I wouldn't change her now. I feel like whatever I do it's the wrong decision.

OP posts:
MuffCakes · 06/12/2013 22:01

OP I am going through almost the exact same thing! My dc are older though.

I can't tell you what to do but I thought it over for a few days and have now booked initial termination consultation. (phone my are you can self refer)

I wish I booked it as soon as I found out as I have to wait till wednesday before I can get booked in for treatment. It might of been a few days earlier other wise.

I would book termination appointment (you don't have togo through with it) and then take a few days to think about it.

MuffCakes · 06/12/2013 22:03

And there should be a 24hour booking line OP your normal dr doesn't deal with it, all they will do is give you te booking number to ring.

DeWe · 06/12/2013 22:05

If you really don't want a termination, would you consider going full term and offering them up for adoption? Would that be another possibility?

Lots of ((((hugs)))) for you.

Afuffypuff · 06/12/2013 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 06/12/2013 22:09

Go to your GP and get some counselling, only you can make this decision and you need proper support with this. It is no small thing

WaitMonkey · 06/12/2013 22:23

Look after yourself and your dd.

katherinelilyflower · 06/12/2013 22:43

Go to your GP and get some counselling

With respect this is not practical. Counselling waiting lists are long and the OP does not have the luxury of time. If she is going to terminate, the sooner the better.

I sympathise OP but this is a decision only you can reach.

ShinyBauble · 06/12/2013 22:49

That's a good point katherine. In some areas it can take weeks to get a GP appointment, then there's the wait for a hospital/clinic appointment. If someone has made their decision, it's best to just get on with it really.

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2013 22:50

I'm sorry that this isn't helpful, but if you know for certain you can't cope with either an abortion or a baby, you should have used better contraception and/or used the morning after pill the next day.

Basically your period is two weeks late. There have been plenty of times when most women's periods have been late. There's no need to feel bereaved by taking a tablet now.

I daresay I'll be flamed, but it's a fact.

ShinyBauble · 06/12/2013 22:53

She used a condom and is breastfeeding, they should have been adequate precautions, unfortunately they weren't in this case, but who would think to get the MAP after having used contraception?