Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

182 replies

BeenVeryStupid · 06/12/2013 20:14

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

OP posts:
maparole · 06/12/2013 23:06

It isn't a baby yet; it is a bunch of changing cells that could possibly end up as a baby. At this stage, you could have a "chemical" termination which will affect you no more than a heavy period.

However, if you have started to think of it as a baby, then you are likely to struggle very hard with remorse. Therefore, the advice to get counselling is key. You have to be at peace with your decision.

Ullapull · 06/12/2013 23:08

Being blunt, it's not a baby yet. It's a bundle of cells which would not be viable outside your body. You still have time to make a decision but the sooner you have an abortion the less physically demanding it is. You can have counselling. Your viable alive DD is your top priority here, do what's right by her.

BlackeyedSusan · 06/12/2013 23:19

have you been over to the lone parents board and asked what it is like bringing up two children alone? there are some advntages of having two... the gap between them would be nice too.

you now have to consider the lives of two of your children, one here, one potentially here. if you will feel like you have killed your own child, it does not sound like abortion is an option for you.

ps. though some of you do think the baby is just cells, well to some that is quite offensive. those who lost babies to miscarriage would not consider the lost pregnancy just cells, but a potential life that was much wanted aand grieved for.

AChristmassyJerseySpud · 06/12/2013 23:22

i went to the doctors for a Termination when i was 5 weeks gone. i got the termination at 9 weeks. it was a d&c.

I still think about it now.

DirtyDancingCleanLiving · 06/12/2013 23:28

I don't mean to be mean - really - but yes, YABVVU to ask a bunch of random strangers what to do in this situation.

I would say to disregard almost everything people have written on this thread. Abortion will generate strong opinions and the only 'advice' you will get here will be coloured by the opinion on abortion that individual has.

A random on mumsnet telling you that you'll be thankful you kept the baby in the long run, don't abort, seek help, all will be OK - they're not going to be there for the nightfeeds and stress and the next 18 years of child-raising to support you.

Someone on MN telling you 'it's only a bunch of cells' and abortion is fine and don't feel guilty, it's the best thing for you and your child atm - they won't be there to support you if you can't deal with the feelings afterward and the repercussions of abortion and all that will bring.

The only sensible advice to take note of is go see your GP, get counselling and make the decision that you believe is right, and will be able to live with in the future.

CookieB · 06/12/2013 23:52

Abortion is a big decision. I have been through 1 HmmI am in no way religious. I am totally pro-choice but it still plays in my mind. I have dc so their well being was the most important factor at the time. I don't regret it,but I do think about it everyday & it has been years since I made that choice.

Musicaltheatremum · 06/12/2013 23:58

www.bpas.org/bpaswoman
You would get help and advice here OP. Only you can make that decision.

jellybeans · 07/12/2013 00:04

I wouldn't judge either way but sometimes for some people (not everyone) you think once the pregnancy is over the 'problem' (situation etc) is gone away but there is now a new one, dealing with difficult feelings and potentially the feelings of loss, guilt and others. However sometimes there is not right way and you have to choose from two difficult options. Sorry that is probably not helpful at all.

Doinmummy · 07/12/2013 00:11

I was referred by my GP to Marie Stopes. They provided a counselling session to make sure I was making the right decision for me.

Good luck xx

Doinmummy · 07/12/2013 00:13

Before I went to Marie Stopes I made the mistake of going to an organisation called Lighthouse. I thought they were impartial but they were very very anti abortion and no help at all.

ShinyBauble · 07/12/2013 00:18

Yes, you have to be very careful if you go the counselling route. There are a lot of terrible organisations masquerading as impartial counselling services.

CookieB · 07/12/2013 00:23

You do what is right for situation you are in. Nobody can judge you unless they are in your shoes. Sending you big hugs for wotever you decide. Xx

Caitlin17 · 07/12/2013 00:27

I would have a termination in your shoes. I take the point someone desperate to be pregnant may be upset at the idea it's only cells, but if your period comes on now would you think you'd had a miscarriage or just a late period?

SingingSilver · 07/12/2013 00:40

And to state the blooming obvious, the OP is not desperate for another baby, so that's really not a relevant viewpoint to bring up.

Whether she proceeds with this pregnancy or not makes no difference to anyone else's situation.

I have to come to really admire Caitlin Moran's stance on abortion. I was shocked when I first read the chapter in her 'How to be a Woman' book - she was happily married with two kids, financially secure, etc, but chose to terminate her third pregnancy simply because she was happy with her family as it was. No apologies or excuses offered, no residual guilt because she knew it was the right choice for her. And I think that's much healthier for women than feeling that we need to punish ourselves for making what can sometimes be the only sensible decision.

OP, this is a bit controversial but I would suggest you don't tell the guy if you are getting an abortion. A one night stand with a condom used; unless he's unusually emotionally mature, you may face a shitstorm from him and possibly his friends - trying to trap him, making it up for attention, you couldn't be pregnant because of magical condom, blah, blah. Just bear that in mind, it could be fine, it could be a load of extra crap you don't need.

YouTheCat · 07/12/2013 00:49

What Ulla said.

bordellosboheme · 07/12/2013 01:18

Well if you are against abortion, don't get one. You will manage. Hugs

paxtecum · 07/12/2013 05:32

OP: Do not go adoption route.
Giving up a baby for adoption will mess your head and heart up forever.

I was anti abortion, but then realised that life is not quite so simple as that.

Whatever you choose to do will have consequences in the future some greater than others.

I would advice you not to tell friends / family in RL if you want this to be kept quiet. Especially don't tell the 'father'.

Sometimes life is completely crap, but you will get over this.
Best wishes to you.

sashh · 07/12/2013 06:20

Take a good long look at your dd.

What would you do for her?

Go talk to your GP, start the process. The clinic will be able to put you in touch with counselors.

rabbitlady · 07/12/2013 06:38

being blunt, it is a baby. it isn't a bundle of cells its a potential human being. you already know this. you will always have responsibility for this baby whether you give birth to it or not.
but, be kind to yourself. you have this decision to make. you're putting a lot of thought into it. make it with prayer, if you are a believer. make your decision for good, clear reasons, write them down, keep them. always stick to them.
whether you go ahead with the pregnancy or not, you will be able to do so knowing you made the best decision you could, for yourself and your children, at the time.
situations in life aren't perfect. you can't do anything more than try to do your best in whatever the circumstances are.

BadgerB · 07/12/2013 06:38

I almost had an abortion when unexpectedly pregnant and in a dire situation. In the end I couldn't do it, and muddled through; it was difficult. Now I look at nearly adult DD and think I'm SO glad I allowed her a life. She is a joy to me.

MistressDeeCee · 07/12/2013 06:42

In your heart, you know the decision which is best for you. You know what you can cope with, and what you can't. Do what is best for your life. If that means abortion then get all the help and support you need in RH, counselling, support services etc both before and afterwards. Good luck

Kaida · 07/12/2013 08:09

Agree with the PP who said this is a bad place to ask. All will have their own agenda - those who've had an abortion or are pro-abortion politically need to minimise and justify in their own minds, those of us who are pro-life are not going to ever support an abortion in your circumstances. Personally, of course it's alive, any kid who's learned the criteria for life (MRS GREN anyone?) can tell you that, and of course it's human - individuals don't change species midway through their development! S/he is an individual already with unique DNA that in the natural course of events will be a younger sibling to your DD.

You don't sound the type to be fine afterwards if you aborted, and having felt like this before re. your daughter and made one choice, I think you'd struggle to justify making the other choice this time. As people have said, you need to be able to live with your decision, and I think you'd struggle to.

Get over to the single parents' board and investigate what life would be like. I think your thoughts of aborting are based on fear, the same as when you were PG the first time. That's not the same as a reasoned, sound judgement.

saintlyjimjams · 07/12/2013 08:26

What mistressdeecee said - go with what you feel. I always think for this sort of decision the response that will leave you with least pain - the right decision for you - is the gut reaction, not the head one. Listen to your gut & then act. Good luck

cjbk1 · 07/12/2013 08:59

yes; sorry not just cells esp. as someone said at nearly eight weeks there'd be a heartbeat and as for Caitlin Moran; I'm having an unplanned 4th baby and just looked at my others and thought 'how can I have you three and not your brother or sister?'

MuffCakes · 07/12/2013 09:00

OP at the end of the day you will have to live with this forever whatever path you choose.

1 you will muddle through, it will be hard and you will be stressed but it's not the end of the world. (I have 2 17 months apart brought both of them up single handedly and I had them both before I was 20) It will be hard you will be frustrated miserable and lonely but it's not forever.

2 you terminate, it's a potential baby not an actual baby yet and you go back to how things are. Yes you have to live with your decision but this early on its not the worst thing ever.

If someone said to you right now would you take this pull and make it all go away would you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread