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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 06/12/2013 18:51

You don't deserve anything with respect to THIER son. For fucks sake OP......back off. The relationship between a mother and child is visceral, you have no idea.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 18:52

Its not so much about asking its about informing in a polite way,

You don't just need to be honest you need to be seen to be honest,life works better that way

NicknameIncomplete · 06/12/2013 18:52

Just because u will be married to his dad it doesnt mean that u can do what u want.

You sound like u are trying too hard and it sounds like u would prefer if his mum wasnt around as then she wouldnt be 'interfering' on your relationship with ur partners child.

needaholidaynow · 06/12/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/12/2013 18:53

Op you sound so immature I wonder if you should even be in an adult relationship.

deepfriedsage · 06/12/2013 18:54

That's my first comment, I was agreeing with about half a dozen to a dozen others who to varying degrees find your over interest in this child not sounding like a normal level.

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 18:54

You really think that having a piece of paper will automatically entitle you to respect??

Vintagebeads · 06/12/2013 18:54

The thing with trust and respect is you earn it.

Try and look at it from her POV. Her DS may well be talking about you in glowing terms,lots in common and so on, so she is bound to feel defensive and jealous.
As a mum you want to be the main female in your child's life and having to share it with a younger,more fun version who doesn't have to do the discipline or hard stuff is a tough pill to swallow.There is more to parenting than Rugby matches,

Try to be a bit kinder, than she needs to get used to it.

pianodoodle · 06/12/2013 18:55

Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Of course she does - he doesn't need another mum of any sort he's fifteen and if you are trying too hard to push for that sort of a relationship it will be obvious and probably not welcome.

You can get on with him etc... without trying to be another mum. it's not necessary.

LucilleBluth · 06/12/2013 18:55

I actually think if the DS was DD the responses would be worse....who wants their daughter bonding with another mother figure and giving her what she wants.

cosmickitten · 06/12/2013 18:56

Op respect and trust aren't earned by a wedding. Keeping your partner's son's mother in the loop, respecting the parenting decisions made by her and your partner (you don't have to like the decisions or agree with them but you must realise those decisions aren't your to make) and working cooperatively to build relationships will earn you respect and trust.

Getting married is easy being a good step parent is hard!

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 18:58

If you think it would be different if the ds was a dd you obviously have never seen a thread about bra shopping or haircuts.

Original poster
Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 18:58

BruthasTortoise
OP how long have you known your DFs son for?
__

I have been in a relationship with his dad for nearly 4 years, but it's only since I moved in with him last year that I have really got to know his son. Before moving in with him I only really met his son briefly on a couple of occasions.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 06/12/2013 18:59

If I were you, Beth:

  1. I would not underestimate potential divided loyalties that you might be setting up for your DP's son. If that young man knows that his mum doesn't like you, no-matter whether he really enjoys going to rugby with you or not, he will start to get pressure from his mum that you have no control over, and you are potentially causing that difficult situation for him. I am sure you wouldn't want that, if you care about him ...

  2. I would not "fight fire with fire". It isn't a competition, it isn't a question of whether he likes your company or not, at the end of the day, there is some animosity there, and you would do very well to acknowledge it maturely, and be prepared to back off. Stay friendly, but do not initiate any further events or outings with him.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings (as have many posters also done before this post), but you really need to get into the real world, not remain in your own hermetically sealed world, where everything is lovely between you and DP's son. There are other external influences at play here, other people around that were there before you came into your DP's life. You could also be (unintentionally, I'm sure) setting up future issues for your DP if further animosity and barriers are generated from your actions (that you do have a choice to control).

Please take this from someone who has been a Step Mum for 7 years and has had to deal with a similar situation

scallopsrgreat · 06/12/2013 18:59

OP why didn't your fiancee tell his ex the plans regarding the rugby? He should be the one dealing with the relationship with his ex, not you.I don't think you should be doing any consulting. He should be the one sorting this out.

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 18:59

See I think that his Mum probably is jealous - I know I would be. But, I don't actually think the OP has done anything wrong and if it came to choice between my kids having a stepmum who actually liked them and wanted to spend time with them or one that didn't I would, logically speaking, want them to have the former. I think the mum has to find the confidence in herself as a parent to realise that the OP can never usurp her - the child is staying with the OP and his DFather at most 6/7 nights a month, the Mum is the one actually raising him and all ye rugby matches in the world can not possibly change that.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/12/2013 19:00

Beth, may I (again) ask what the 'timescales' here are?

How long have you been in a relationship with your fiancé? How long ago did you meet his son?

Your OP suggests that you have been in a relationship with your partner for (maybe) 4 years and that you met his son quite some time ago.

"My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement"

However, your other posts suggest (to me) that this is a relatively 'young' relationship. That you are still at the stage of being quite 'territorial' about the relationship. Still trying to establish your position, IYSWIM.

tinkertaylor1 · 06/12/2013 19:00

OP as you are quickly learning - AIBU is not the place to discuss step-parenting. Your dammed if you do, your dammed if you don't!

Best advice - head over to the step parenting boards.

My friend is in a very similar position as you, roughly the same age too. The ex hates my friend for no good reason. Non what's so ever! She is jealous that she is younger and her son genuinely likes her.

She has a fab relationship with her SDS and he confides in her about a lot, girls, college ect which he cant talk to his mother about.... She see's it as a young aunt type roll.

The SDS is old enough to choose where he spends his time but I would back off a bit just to not make him feel he will be choosing between you and his mum. I think its nice that you have gone out of your way. Others will all ways pull you to pieces on here though with regards to step children.

to those that suggested it was creepy, shame on you and your disgusting minds. This is why I stay away from AIBU. You will be the same people screeching ''you must take on a sDs and not exclude him and look after him on your own ect.. if you want his DF''

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/12/2013 19:00

You do sound as a pp said positively gleeful about this.
You're the young funky 'step'mum and you are trying to buy his affection by being the cool one.
You are showing absolutely no regard for his mum at all, she's the one who's going to have to go through the tough teenage years and you flattering his ego could turn him against her.

Owllady · 06/12/2013 19:00

As the main carer in my children's lives I want to know my children are safe, where they are and happy
That's just normal
I have teenagers
If my aunt had agreed to have any of my children and then buffered off for a few days without telling me but l e ft them with her best friend, who I don't know. I would fetch them too

??

Are these threads deliberately goading?
It doesn't matter the poster is younger or anything, it's about a parent being is a her child was left with a stranger
And yes I know dad is parent too but vice versa I doubt his d staying Sith mums stranger boyfriend is an attractive prospect either

It's called bring a normal person and parent

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:01

I think what's annoying people is your airy dismissive ness of your fiancés mother and her feelings.

You seem very keen on people acknowledging YOUR status as his father's fiancé/a stepmother to be etc, but you clearly have no respect for this woman's status as his MOTHER.

It sounds as if she's a perfectly good one. He doesn't need a mother "figure". He's got a real one who was looking after him when you were still making do with a Tiny Tears so how about you give her some of the respect you think you deserve? Hmm

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:01

OP

I think you do need to listen to the women here with experience and/or children. At 25 I might have seen things as you do, but that's why you came on MN, to gain a different persepctive

Loopytiles · 06/12/2013 19:02

Oh dear OP. YABU.

You keep talking about how you will be married, deserve respect blah blah. That means nothing in terms of your role and relationship with the son, who is 15 and doesn't need another mother.

It is not letting things develop "naturally" to engineer loads of time alone with him (rugby, giving him lifts every day - don't you have a job? - him staying when his dad is not home), or to get all competitive "he wants to see me".

How long have you been with your fiance?

Is he doing the whole "my ex is so unreasonable, you're an amazing stepmum" bollocks?

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:03

*fiance's son's mother, not fiance's mother.

TalkativeJim · 06/12/2013 19:04

She is not jealous, OP - she is concerned.

I would be too in her shoes. You're showing a stunning lack of awareness of how to approach these new relationships in your life, and if I were the boy's mum, I'd be seeing you as something along the lines of a rather disturbing older teenager who was clearly immature, and acting in a rather strange and boundary-pushing way. In short, not a great influence. You aren't acting one bit like you are of an age where you can be seen as responsible and an 'equal adult' to his dad. That would probably entail: being polite and friendly, getting to know his son slowly, acknowledging that the age gaps actually do make things a bit strange and for a 15 year old, possibly quite difficult to handle - so you make sure an appropriate distance is maintained to reaffirm the point that you are his dad's 'generation', not his. And of course, you make a point of trying to get to know his mum at least enough to offer a friendly greeting and to ensure that - as any, erm, 'mother-figure' would - his mum feels confident that you are a responsible adult in charge of what is still a child.

You've done the opposite. You've tried your hardest to make his son your mate...instead of your stepson. You've presumably not made any attempt to get to know his mum, and your first interaction is demonstrating to her that you will try to go behind her back concerning her son (!) You've made noises about being a 'mother-figure' - which makes you sound utterly ridiculous, because if you were a mother you'd see that everything you've done so far has been really, really far from what a good, sober, 'mum' figure type of person would do. So, you seem silly as well as a bit rude and inappropriate.

I don't think she thinks you fancy her son - although there's no reason at all why that would be out of the question and I'm sure the thought has passed through her mind. She's probably more worried that you seem like the type to give him alcohol when his dad isn't there, or get him to try out a joint. That's how you're coming across - young, a bit silly, irresponsible, and not exactly the kind of person you want around a 15 year old you're not related to.

There's a lot of good advice on this thread, and the first thing I'd take from it is - just stop with the 'mother-figure' thing.

He's 15, you're only ten years older. Nobody in this scenario is ever going to see you as a 'mother-figure'. Your partner and his ex are two people with a child who is an older teenager - believe me, when it comes to relating to their son, any 25 year old is going to seem like a generation below them. Even if your partner is only 36.

If you don't back off, I doubt his mother will ever take you seriously, and she certainly won't be supportive of her son spending a lot of time with you.