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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
AngelsLieToKeepControl · 06/12/2013 18:10

You won't be any sort of a Mum to him unless he decides he wants you to be.

I am 6 years older than my oldest stepson (7 years older than the other one) and I did everything I could not to tread on their Mums toes AT ALL.

They were old enough that they didn't need any sort of parenting from me and although I was technically their Stepmum they didn't call me that for years.

Stop forcing the issue, consider her feelings in everything too, and whatever relationship you have with him will come naturally, whether you are his Stepmum or his Dads wife or his friend.

You do sound like you see Step Mum as some sort of status you can brag about or a bit of a novelty rather than thinking about how it effects everyone involved though. She will be his Mum forever, you are only involved for as long as you are with his Dad, keep that in mind when she gets defensive, if it all goes tits up she will be the one picking up the pieces. Of course she is being protective.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 18:10

I don't know any 25 year old soon to be married people who consider 15 year olds to be anything other than children, not potential sex partners which I assume all the "creepy" comments are referencing.

Do you know any 15 year olds with crushes on 25 year olds? Because I don't think I've met a 15 year old who hasn't had a crush on someone older. I'm not saying the mum was right, just that the OP isn't being sympathetic to how she might be feeling.

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 18:10

But surely it was Dads responsibility to inform Mum if that's the way they co-parent? The OP only needed consent from the parent she has contact with and the child's willingness, both of which she had.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 18:11

Coola

That's a really interesting post

needaholidaynow · 06/12/2013 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 18:12

No,the girlfriend has wilfully excluded the mum by not discussing sleepover
That is provocative,and could have been avoided with polite can he stay over call

Canthaveitall · 06/12/2013 18:13

YABU.

I think you are well intentioned but naïve.

He is a 15 year old boy only 10 years your junior. He is beyond needing a mother and you are overstepping boundaries. I think you are doing it for the right reasons but nevertheless you are overstepping boundaries.

I can see it's a difficult position for you to be in but I think you need to put your own feelings aside and ensure you only see him when his mother knows and agrees. There would be little point having this fantastic relationship with your step son if it's undermined by your relationship with his mother.

I imagine his mum is not jealous but feels it is inappropriate that you want to spend so much time alone with her son when he is at such an impressionable age. Think about it. Would you not see it as odd if your 15 year old daughter was spending time alone with a 25 year old man under these circumstances? When I say odd, it's not an accusation but you are leaving yourself open to one.

Is it possible for you, your fiancé and the his ex wife to meet up and agree what is acceptable for you all?

15 is a difficult age. Soon to be an adult but still so much like a child. His mother is in all likely hood feeling incredibly protective of him.

I commend you for trying so hard though as I can see it would be easier for you not too. In a few years he will be an adult so this will all be academic anyway as he can do what he likes then.

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 18:14

Yes, it is a bit odd to want to be a mother figure to a 15yr old who already has a perfectly good mother.

HorsePetal · 06/12/2013 18:15

I agree that a 15 year old girl staying the night alone with a 25 year old man would be unacceptable - I don't think that 'creepy' would be too strong a word in that scenario.

But in this scenario - still not sure. OP I think you are trying too hard to 'win him over'. Buying a signed Rugby shirt is a nice gesture (I'm sure you meant well) but it's recall as if you are trying too hard.

You are not, and never will be his mother - he has a perfectly good one already Grin so maybe back off a little?

I do think you mean well but you are quite young yourself and obviously don't have children of your own - if you did then you would know you have overstepped the line.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 18:15

I respect DS father to make his own decisions in his time with him. If that included his partner taking ds to see a favourite sport while he was working I'd think that's nice

perlona · 06/12/2013 18:17

Bruthas; that's a dangerously naive attitude, I remember being fifteen and many of my friends had 25 year old boyfriends, men in their twenties were often chasing us. My mother once sent me off to her forty year old friends for the night because I was upset over something and he wanted to cheer me upHmm, guess what he was after?

Women can be just as predatory as their male counterparts, they're just more likely to be trusted. I would be suspicious of a 25 year old, seemingly desperate for the attentions of a teenager and going behind their mothers back for a 'sleepover'.

mrsjay · 06/12/2013 18:18

No,the girlfriend has wilfully excluded the mum by not discussing sleepover
That is provocative,and could have been avoided with polite can he stay over call

this is all they needed to do,

mrsjay · 06/12/2013 18:19

there is nothing actualy wrong with the dads girlfriend going to the Rugby with the boy but HIs mum needs to know HIs dad won't be there

Monetbyhimself · 06/12/2013 18:20

You sound incredibly naive and , I think , enjoy the drama. You can have a good relationship but you cannot force things and by alienating and provoking the childs mother, you are destined for a difficult path.

Branleuse · 06/12/2013 18:20

id tone it down a bit.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 18:21

I agree that if you really care about him you must engage with his mother and/or back right off.

Interested to know, OP, how the "she must be civil to me" conversation you mention in your original post came about

heartichoke · 06/12/2013 18:22

Coolascmula hits the nail on the head.

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 18:23

If this 15 year old's mum remarries, I wonder how eagerly you and in particular your fiancé will embrace the idea of the lad seeing another man as a father figure? Hmm?

CoolaSchmoola · 06/12/2013 18:23

Newt - I work with teenage boys. Plenty of them would develop a crush on a 25 year old who was interested in them and liked what they liked. Some of them would see the attention as an indication that the feeling was potentially reciprocated. And some would see invitations to sleep over alone without their father their as a blatant indication that the feeling was mutual.

It is down to the adults to set boundaries to prevent such misinterpretation. The OP seems to be doing the exact opposite, her behaviour could actively encourage her DFs son to develop feelings for her. This is more than likely because she is naive. It sounds like the boys mother has a grasp of the possibilities, and she knows her son. The OP is refusing to set appropriate boundaries, and could be viewed as deliberately colluding by not telling the mum. So the mum is setting the boundaries where the op won't.

I have to say the fact that the boys didn't tell his mum may be indicative that there is a crush there. The fact that the OP didn't tell her either could be seen as suspicious. Not that she might start something (although it does happen) but that she likes the attention.

mrsjay · 06/12/2013 18:24

your soon to be husband is expecting to much too he should know you are to young to be his step mum, i am not having a go at the age difference just stating the obvious you are 25 the son is 15

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 18:25

I imagine they didn't tell her because she wouldnt like it....

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 18:26

I'm sorry that happened to you, perlona, possibly I am naive but I'd assume that most 25 year olds don't want to have sex with 15 year olds. I have a 14 year old stepson, who has been resident with DH since he was 4 and I have been stepmum to since he was 6 and it appals me that people would think anything sinister of our relationship which is very much parent/child in nature and always will be.

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 18:29

I think OP is a little too fond of the idea of herself as the cool young step mum.

I also think she'd be thrilled if the SS had a little crush.

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 18:29

Brutha - no one would think your relationship with your stepson would be odd as you have know him since he was teeny tiny.

ll31 · 06/12/2013 18:31

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