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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 18:32

Not offering information such as this instantly makes you look dishonest for what ever reason,it just does.

And you don't get to be treated like a step mother when its older teenagers because that's a title and affection that they give you,you don't get to just decide it yourself or force it.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 18:32

I do think the op is being too pushy - but I think the mum is ott as well. The kid is 15 - you don't need to be appraised of every little thing when they are in the other parents care.

I would go crazy if I had to tell DS's dad all my plans with DS and if he vetoed them.

Original poster

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 18:33

I'm finding it hard to accept the idea that his mum needs to be informed whenever I'm to spend time with him. I am going to be married to his dad and we are going be living together for at least a few days per month. Usually every other weekend and the occasional weekday. I just want there to be a natural relationship between me, my soon-to-be husband and his son. Having to inform the ex-wife whenever my future husband isn't around makes me feel I'm doing something wrong.

And to describe when we are alone in the house together as 'sleepovers' seems ridiculous. It's his dad's house and I live there! In fact it's going to be OUR house. I am going to be married to his dad!! I want the rugby to be a regular fixture between me and him (his dad isn't into it) and it's just more convenient if he stays over after we've got back from the match. Sometimes his dad might not be there....is that such a big deal?

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 18:36

Bruthas

I would seriously doubt anybody would think sinister things you've been around since sdc was 4 and from most of your posts you sound sensible and honest.

Its very very different when the adult has not been around dc since early childhood and that adult does not give of a impression of honesty

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 18:38

and that's your problem op.

You don't get to decide.

puntasticusername · 06/12/2013 18:39

Op. Seriously. You need to listen to and act on the excellent advice you've received on this thread, or there's going to be an almighty fuckup somewhere down the line.

Ev1lEdna · 06/12/2013 18:41

You find it hard to accept that his mother should know when he is with someone? She is his MOTHER of course she should know who he is with.

I would be pretty annoyed if my 15 year old was meant to be with his father and was with someone else instead. For all your pretensions you are his father's fiancé not the boy's stepmother.

If you think these rugby dates aren't a big deal then I suggest you speak with his mother nicely and in a non-confrontational way about it. She is entitled to know and it may be a big deal to her. Wanting to spend time with your fiance's son doing something he enjoys is commendable but the aggressive way you are discussing it here gets my back up, never mind his mother's. I think what you really need to accept is your place in this relationship; you are not a mother figure and she IS his mother.

longjane · 06/12/2013 18:41

Why on earth do you want a date night with you step son .

Original poster

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 18:42

Sockreturningpixie
^and that's your problem op.

You don't get to decide.^
__

But who does? I think it's up to my fiance's son to decide if he wants to spend time with me, especially if his dad is fine with it. It's obvious to me that he does want to spend time with me and his mum needs to stop interfering. Is this really such an unreasonable position?

OP posts:

heartichoke · 06/12/2013 18:42

Yes, OP it's a big deal.

deepfriedsage · 06/12/2013 18:43

I agree, a twenty five year old adult arranging sleepovers with a fifteen year old child, being way too interested in the child than is normal, would concern any parent.

heartichoke · 06/12/2013 18:43

And an unreasonable position

SantanaLopez · 06/12/2013 18:44

His MOTHER is not interfering, you are.

Owllady · 06/12/2013 18:44

If I assumed my son was staying with his dad and found actually he was alone with someone I did not know very er well, I would be concerned too. Why had your partner not told the boys mum? Or talked to her?

wannaBe · 06/12/2013 18:44

very ott responses on this thread.

If the df had a fifteen year old daughter who she was spending time with, taking shopping etc would the responsc' ses be the same? No didn't think so.

Yes the comments about being a mother figure etc may be somewhat misguided but just because she is a 25 year old woman whose partner has a fifteen year old son doesn't make that sexual or sinister. People need to amend their twisted thinking somewhat.

As for the op needing to check with the mother whether it was ok for the boy to stay over, presumably that house is the boy's home too and he should have the right to stay there even if only his dad's fiancé was present. If she knew he was meant to be staying over who else is in the house isn't relevant.

When you separate from your child's other parent you do lose some control over what they do for part of their time - that is one of the downfalls of being a separated parent. I don't imagine somehow that the mother would like to be dictated to by her ex what her son is and isn't allowed to do when in her house.
And the fifteen year old isn't far off being of an age where he can do what he wants. If the mother keeps throwing her weight around like that she isn't going to do herself any favours.

Original poster

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 18:45

Okay, I accept at the moment I am, as far as his mother is concerned, just one of his dad's girlfriend's and perhaps I should consult with her a bit more (or my fiance should). But when I marry his dad in the new year, I think I will deserve a little bit more respect and trust.

OP posts:

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 06/12/2013 18:46

OP you seem to think your romantic relationship with his Dad gives you some kind of special status in this boys life. You're engaged to his Dad, you haven't helped to raise him and you won't have any say in his life. Be friendly but respect his mothers boundaries. She's not 'the ex-wife'. She's his Mother. She raised him and loved him and decides what is in his best interests until he is old enough to do it for himself. Find someone else to go to the rugby with. Make him feel welcome at his Dad's, give them space and time together and otherwise back off.

SantanaLopez · 06/12/2013 18:46

No, OP, you have to earn respect and trust. You don't just get it.

Original poster

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 18:47

*deepfriedsage

I agree, a twenty five year old adult arranging sleepovers with a fifteen year old child, being way too interested in the child than is normal, would concern any parent.*

Stop describing them as sleepovers. I am marrying his dad and I live in what is his dad's home. His dad's home is his home, as far as we are concerned.

OP posts:

Gingersstuff · 06/12/2013 18:48

His mum needs to stop interfering

Seriously? He is this woman's son and he is FIFTEEN. A child, not an adult. Though it appears that you are the one acting like a child here. With your attitude, I'm not remotely surprised that she's going all Mother Lioness on your ass, I would do the same.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 06/12/2013 18:49

No, a wedding ceremony will not earn you respect and trust. Time , maturity and respect for other people's boundaries will do that.

Ev1lEdna · 06/12/2013 18:50

If the df had a fifteen year old daughter who she was spending time with, taking shopping etc would the responsc' ses be the same? No didn't think so.

I'd still want to know who she was with and spending the night with - is that really unreasonable??

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 18:51

Just reassure her by letting her know plans as she has asked, at least to begin with. It's her son. Stop banging on about your rights, stop being so openly gleeful about possible incidents of jealousy.

Be calm and civil and keep her in the loop.

When you've all settled in to the new routine, if she's a reasonable person she'll unclench about needing to know every detail.

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 18:51

OP how long have you known your DFs son for?

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 06/12/2013 18:51

You won't have any kind of natural relationship with the son if you continue to antagonise his mother. Why create a drama? As for thinking you deserve respect by virtue of being married to his father! It's not a pissing contest.

She is his mother. You are completely out of line encouraging the son to do things you know are annoying his mother. Where will it end? A big family row with the unfortunate son in the middle? Wonderful.

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with the mother, ask her what she wants. Tell her you want a relationship with her son but you are prepared to respect her boundaries. If that means no sleepovers with you alone, so be it. I'm sure you're mature enough to accept that.

And accept you will never be any sort of mother to a teenager who is only 10 years younger than you.

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