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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
newmum001 · 06/12/2013 19:05

Basically what you're saying is that his mother should respect you when you're lying to her about having her son stay over when his dad isn't there. You're saying she should stop "interfering" in your relationship with her son. He's 15, far far too old to ever view you as a mother figure. He's nearly an adult. As you say he's a great kid, maybe you should respect the woman who brought him up, maybe you should be the one who stops interfering.

JumpingJackSprat · 06/12/2013 19:05

Im so sorry you have had some really stupid and hysterical responses op. Suggesting she is basically grooming her 15yo step son to be? ! Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

There is a step parenting section on the forum. .. Don't let the responses you have got here put you off. There is a very strong anti step mum feeling on the rest of the forum and you will never get rational balanced responses as a step mum else where on here. It shouldn't be that way but there you go.

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 19:07

Good post, Jim, and especially good point about the alcohol etc. That seems very feasible.

Original poster
Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 19:07

ADishBestEatenCold

To answer your question of timescales, I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for nearly 4 years. I first met his son maybe 2 years ago, but it was only briefly, a quick hello etc. It wasn't until a year ago, when I moved in with his dad, that I started to get to know him properly.

I don't want to just be some woman who's living at his dad's house who he has no connection with.

OP posts:
imalama · 06/12/2013 19:08

No, a wedding ceremony will not earn you respect and trust. Time , maturity and respect for other people's boundaries will do that.

Amen to this. OP, the more you post on here the more unreasonable you sound. There has been some great advice which you don't seem willing to take. Don't come to the internet asking for advice and then flounce when people say things you don't want to hear.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:08

Beth

But you don't need to rush it

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/12/2013 19:09

tinkertailor, my ds has confided in me about girlfriends, uni, things he can talk to 'his' mother about. If he couldn't I'd have done something wrong, we can talk about anything.
Why would a younger woman know how to discuss those things any better than his own mother?

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/12/2013 19:09

Ah. I see I crossposted and you answered my questions when you posted a reply to BruthasTortoise.

So at four years a long term relationship with your partner and you have had regular contact with his son for well over a year.

In that case, I just do not understand why you are behaving the way you are doing and adopting the attitude you appear to be adopting.
I had assumed you were being this way because the relationship was quite 'young' and you were perhaps (and understandably) feeling a bit insecure, but if not that, then why?

It's not coming across well, at all.

wannaBe · 06/12/2013 19:10

I wonder how many people on this thread are separated from their children's fathers.

Because once you are separated it's not the same - it just isn't. when your child goes to contact with their other parent you have no say in what happens when that child is there - none. And unless the child offers up the information, there's a good chance you won't find out what happens when your child is wit their other parent. The parent could, e.g. hire a babysitter and go out for the evening. or get their parents to come round and stay in the house overnight while they go out. or, shock horror, allow their partner to stay in the house while they go out. There is no rule which says that that parent's contact time is for that parent to be in exclusive contact with their parent - it's just that it's the time they spend in that home.

There are even some who feel the other parent doesn't have the right to contact the child while on their time. Now that's not something I personally agree with, but I've seen it said on here many a time.

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 19:10

I don't think you will just be "some woman", I'm sure you will deepen the relationship in time. You've got your whole married life to support this young man, get to know him and be a friend to him, and provide backup to his parents. It really doesn't need to be ramped up in this drama-creating way just because you're getting married.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:11

yes, MadBusLady. That's what I think too

Owllady · 06/12/2013 19:11

Nope not anti step mum at all
Just normal manners, behaviour, courtesy etc
Acting like a normal human being
Wouldn't go amiss in most life situations tbh

Op partner has been the biggest arse not discussing it with sons mum. Normal behaviour to do so, no?

Sigh

Think of the boy
He's 15 poor kid

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:11

Nobody is suggesting she's grooming him Hmm

However she does come across as very try-hard and determined to be cool and fun and just better than his boring old real mum.

Thinking about it, it IS grooming in a way. Not for sexual purposes though; a different type of gratification.

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 19:11

It all seems to be about what you want. Not actually doing the best thing in this given situation. You sound a lot younger than you actually are.

cloggal · 06/12/2013 19:12

It's lovely you are trying hard to be a positive part of your fiance's son's life. I think it was unreasonable for you and your DP to not inform his mother that he was going away - not the kind of behaviour that will foster trust, which is what this is about. I agree with whoever said up thread that you should try and speak to his mum, and think of yourself in a caring adult role rather than as a parent - he clearly is happy to trust you and that's a very precious gift he has given you. Don't throw it away by being anything less than completely respectful of his mother and her place in his life - you will regret it and it could ruin what you've already built.

Good luck OP, can't be an easy situation.

Owllady · 06/12/2013 19:13

So wAnnabe, you would b e on if your son went to your ex and it turned out your ex was not there at all but your son had stay e d the whole weekend with his girlfriend who you have met once or a couple of times?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 19:14

I actually feel for you, OP, walking in to this situation at 25. It's a minefield but the best thing you can do is be patient, be kind, be empathetic. Don't stamp your foot and demand respect. There is a preexisting family here, respect that.

Also, do me a favour. Print this thread out and put it away somewhere. When you have a child of your own, take it out and reread it. When you know that burning, physical, unrelenting pain that comes with worrying about your child, you will understand a little of what your DP's DS's DM feels. I have been around other people's children loads and it came as a shock to me when I had my own.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 19:14

I agree wannabe.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/12/2013 19:14

Do you see your Fiancé as a 'Father Figure', Beth?

pinkdelight · 06/12/2013 19:14

Some good advice here, grooming hysteria aside. Drop the rugby fixation, take a step back, let th

Owllady · 06/12/2013 19:14

I mean ok not on, tablet is on auto

pinkdelight · 06/12/2013 19:15

Th

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:15

MrsTerry

I agree with that too.

OP

Put aside any comments that make you feel defensive, but can you see there is a different perspective to this?

Smoorikins · 06/12/2013 19:15

You say that you deserve respect, but you don't seem to be giving your fiancees ex-wife any respect. She raised the boy, and it sounds like she has done a great job.

Its lovely that you get on so well, but this is a big deal to the boys mum. You don't have children, so you may not truly understand the depth of a mothers love, or how traumatic it must be if someone seems to be trying to step into your role.

Things will go better if you respect the mothers wishes, and don't rush things. There's no need, it sounds like you hope to be around for a long time.

NicknameIncomplete · 06/12/2013 19:15

You have only been in your partners childs life for a year and u think that makes u a mother figure to him.

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